I Screwed Up, How Can I Win My Husband Back?

United States
February 9, 2009 11:56pm CST
I'm going to be honest here. My husband left me 3 months ago because I had really bad anger outbursts very often. I would get angry easily from things that he said or done. I would always take things that he said the wrong way, or misunderstand what he actually meant. I called him awful names like "stupid fool" "slow retard" or even "crazy dog." I'm aware that there's no excuse for my behavior, and ever since we've been separated, which is 3 months, I realized how awful I treated him, and that I wanted him back because he really is a good man. I went to see a psychology and she diagnosed me as "severe depression" and she started me on some anti-depressants right away, and within 3-4 weeks I started feeling and thinking more positive. The anger inside of me just gradually went away. Me and my husband were struggling throughout our marriage. We had several evictions, living in only trailers with no water or lights. I was very depressed and I feel so bad now that I took it out on him. We've been married 3 and a half years now with 2 kids and I want him to know that I got help for my problem and I want him to know that I'm not that woman anymore. We still talk because of the kids and I know he still loves me because even though it's hard for him to take me back, he said one week ago that it would hurt him to see me with someone else or to know I'm with someone else. Plus he told me this all the time while we were living together. I don't want to appear desperate, so what can I do to get him back to show him I changed. My friend said I should pretend like I have a new friend guy, NOT a boyfriend or relationship, but just a friend I'm spending a little time with. I know he will get jealous because he would be thinking that it could turn into more sooner or later. Maybe once he knows how my new friend feels about me, which is all lovely things, then he'll believe that I changed and be more open about giving me another chance. I can't think of any other ways that will work. Can you think of any more ways I can get my husband back?
7 people like this
26 responses
@stevelvis (394)
• Philippines
10 Feb 09
Hi lovabunny. Me and my wife also had a fight when one just said something not so good to hear. It's natural to have an argument sometimes because we want to defend ourselves that we don't mean it. Being humble and kind is better than proving yourself perfect. If both of you get angry, it's a waste of time to argue because believe me, you will say many bad words that you will be sorry later on. Pride is the culprit, we are afraid to be judge as stupid or a bad person. Remember that you are speaking to your husband, the one promised to accept you as you are and same with you, no matter what, you made a vow to each other. When one says sorry, accept it and say sorry also when you yelled at him. That way you expressed you don't want to get angry with him but have a harmonious relationship. I think it will be worst if you make him jealous over another guy to win him back. You must show that your mind is only focused at winning him back. How would he believe that you are not that nagger anymore when you are seeing someone else? Don't hurt him coz he's been hurt already with your anger outburst.
3 people like this
• Canada
10 Feb 09
First, congratulations on getting the help you needed :) As someone who has had anger management and depression issues in the past, I applaud you for recognizing that you needed to be assessed for your issues. I hope you'll continue feeling better all the time :) As to your husband... I don't think it's a good idea at ALL to listen to your friend's suggestion. I mean, you want to get your husband back because you love him and you hope he still loves and wants to be with you. Why would you play mind games with him to accomplish that? It's not fair to him and it's not good for you. Do you really want him to come back to you because he feels "jealous" of a non-existent male friend? I'd think you would want him back because he genuinely wants to be with you :)... not because he falls for a charade or, basically, a trick. You should try very hard to re-establish your relationship on the basis of honesty. I would ask if you could get together for a conversation or even start out gradually on the phone. You said you still talk because of the children so it shouldn't be so hard to arrange. The first thing you might want to do is apologize for all the names you called him and for your temper outbursts. Be specific. Explain that you sought help and you had a genuine problem that needed treatment. Let him know that you are following the treatment because you feel better and you want to stay better. Show him how your life is improving. Ask him if he feels ready or interested in trying to rebuild your marriage on a much stronger base. If he agrees, I think you should take it slow. He's not going to be convinced overnight that you have changed (I know this from my own experience, too). Be patient. If you really love him, he's worth waiting for... let him come back because he can trust you... and love you again. I wish you all the luck in the world.
2 people like this
@redberry (178)
• Philippines
10 Feb 09
I totally agree with "thinkingoutloud". Seeking professional help was a great thing to do, and I really admire you for owning your faults. It is better to be straight with your husband and tell him exactly how you feel. He won't know what's in your head unless you tell him yourself. It is a fact that you two have already established a relationship so opening up to him won't be a problem. and Yes, you should take it slow. Taking your husband back will definitely be a step-by-step process. As I have understood you really said harsh and hurtful words to him, words leaves deeper wounds than physical ones. So, give him an honest and heartfelt apology. You could also do sweet little things for him whenever you have a chance to see each other. It's like; this time around you will be the one courting him. so that you can win him back. Good Luck!
1 person likes this
• India
10 Feb 09
what i feel is ,you should trust in GOD first.by doing so most of ur anxiety vanishes.then u can invite ur husband to dinner.in this way u can tell to him that ur sorry without saying it to him,be natural.regarding ur depression ,try reading bible u will feel the change belive me it really does.GOD will definitely unite u both so don't worry,i will also pray for u.
1 person likes this
• Singapore
10 Feb 09
Go read about relationship abuse.. you are actually abusing the relationship with your hubby when you are with him.. The good news is, you have sought help and attention, i believe that there is still hope.. You doesn't necessary need have to rush these things.. Your husband have been bearing with you character and attitude for years, its like a volcano has just erupted after several years of enduring, and to repair this relationship definately takes time. Take things easy, change yourself, let him know that you have changed! for the better. Expand your social circle, gain confidence, no matter physically, or mentally. Your friend is right partially, you have to go out and know more people, but this is not to act as a show for your husband, this is to gain confidence in yourself, and knowing more people doesnt harm. When your husband knows that you have change for the good, with such confidence in handling your life well, he will yearn for you and take action sooner then you know.. Cheers and take care!~
@brew2x (3094)
• Philippines
10 Feb 09
Hi lovabunny! I'm glad that you are better now and I hope that you will continue to have that positive attitude. I don't think your friend's idea will work out well. If you will pretend to have a new guy friend then your husband might think that you are going out with that guy, he might just forget his feelings for you and consider moving on and finding his own girl. Why don't you just tell him that you are sorry and you have changed? Don't think of your pride anymore. As the saying goes it's better to give up your pride to someone you love than lose that someone because of your useless pride.
1 person likes this
@JHEZ924 (119)
• Philippines
10 Feb 09
hi, If I were in your case, I will show him that Im really changed for good. You said that you know he still love you, its very easy for you to win him back especially that communications are still there. For me, its not a nice idea that you will tell him about the new guy friend. It might lead to a not nice result. He might think that for a less time you easily got a new guy friend, who eventually might be your boyfriend. Never risk to that kind of idea. I think its better that everytime you talk to your husband, let him feel that you're still in love with her and you change becuase of love, because of him, because of your family. Isn't nice for him to know that even your separated there's still love between eash other? If you really want to win him back, talk to him with your heart and I know that everything will be alright.
@us2owls (1681)
• United States
10 Feb 09
lovabunny - I would strongly advise against doing what your friend suggested because you would in essence be LYING to your husband and that would not be good. I would suggest that you talk to him - maybe get someone to watch your children and you and him go out someplae. See if you can get him to go to marriage counselling with you and try to work things out. If he is being truthful he still loves you. I hope things work out and he comes back and you can have a happy life together.
1 person likes this
@srganesh (6344)
• India
10 Feb 09
Don't go for silly cinematic ideas.Just have a good friend of yours to be a mediator between you and your husband and try to explain the treatment you got and the changes you had and the love you still have for your husband.That will be a real help in this event.Select a best friend to handle this problem.Cheers!
@KUSHANK55 (2437)
• India
10 Feb 09
hi dear it is really sad that your husban is away!! good that you realize that it was only you who has to be blamed for it!! never mind when you have really understood the problem beter resolve it the way you wish to and make an effort to meet him and better offer your appologies to him. may be you learn and mend your ways and live happily thereafter!! all the very bes for your future life!!
@sharay (2769)
• India
10 Feb 09
The only best and honest suggestion i could give is, just talk to him about everything that is there in your heart, in person, whatever you have posted here in mylot including all the other hidden feeling in your heart for him, this way, i am very very sure you will find out how much you both love each other and keep loving more and more, whether you follow this or not, please dont follow your friend's suggestion which is too dangerous to experiment, otherwise, you are again going to take his love for granted, which is goign to make things even worse
1 person likes this
@lucy02 (5017)
• United States
10 Feb 09
This one is easy for me. Don't play any games. Just sit down with him and tell him the truth. I think he will be happy to hear it. He may be thinking all this time that its been his fault. I am on antidepressants too so I know what a difference they can make. I said worse things than you probably when I wasn't taking mine. Its your brain chemistry. Until you diagnose and treat it (like any other illness) there's not much you can do to control it.
• India
10 Feb 09
i admire u for the talent u had about the love. .the way u replied for her problem is nice . .have falled love with any body please reply me. .u r fascinating to me
• India
10 Feb 09
i admire u for the talent u had about the love. .the way u replied for her problem is nice . .have falled love with any body please reply me. .u r fascinating to me
1 person likes this
@lucy02 (5017)
• United States
11 Feb 09
Thank you for the kind words. Don't worry if you have failed in love. Most of us fail many times before we find the right person to love. You are very young. Enjoy your youth. Love will come along when you least expect it.
• Philippines
11 Feb 09
Before the 'winning him back' process, it's best to evaluate yourself first. Are you ready to be with him again? Will you relapse with the outbursts? It's good to reconsider everything first becuase it's too much if you hurt someone twice. After reevaluating yourself, you should be patient with him, be calm and just be nice to him until he takes it upon himself that he'll think you're sincere and actually come back. He'll come back for you, I'm sure. Just be nice and don't keep it as a mere play; being nice is a way of life now. Good luck and happy MyLotting!
@mariposaman (2967)
• Canada
11 Feb 09
Someone is giving you bad advice on pretending you have another man or using any other deceit. This will only hurt you husband and is basically dishonest. You want to focus more now on your positive and healthy attributes now you have had professional help. Trust has to be earned and I am sure in time with your new found mental health things can only get better. I have little advice on how to accomplish this however other than tell him what you told us, that you would like to try again and that you are not the woman you once was. Stay away from the mind games. I wish you all the best, you children and you deserve a better time.
• United States
11 Feb 09
I think you can invite him on a day out with the kids and focus it on the children and not the both of you. Let him see how you've changed for the better. When you feel comfortable enough that both of you have gotten closer, maybe then you an open up to him about the doctor's visitation as well as your improvement because of the anti-depressants. I don't think flaunting another man around him is such a good idea at this point. He might think that you have moved on. Though on the other hand he might get jealous and let his ego take him. Though this could be a double edged sword. I think spending days together as a family is the best idea.
@sdwfstone (130)
• China
11 Feb 09
Don't worry He is yours when he is the right man.
@sudalunts (5526)
• United States
11 Feb 09
Congratulations on getting the help you needed. I do not think you should try to treat your husband, you want to begin things right with him. I think you should ask him over for dinner, and afterwards have a good long talk with him. During his visit, I am sure he will be able to see the change in you. Let him know how sorry you are for the way you used to treat him, and that y ou are a changed person and would like another chance. If he really loves you, I am sure he will give you another chance, it is all up to you.
@silverglint (2001)
• Philippines
11 Feb 09
I don't think that pretending that you have another guy is a good idea. It can do more bad than good to your relationship with your husband, and you will only hurt him more and push him furthur away. It can even come to a point when your husband gets so hurt that he would rather move on than to find a way to get back with you. I suggest that you take it slow, start from scratch with your husband, like spend a few hour with him once in a while, rekindle the friendship and rediscover the things that you loved about him. Honestly, I don't think that anti-depressants are enough to solve the problem, you have to look for the root of the problem and I think that the reason you are able to shout at him and call him names is because you have lost respect to your husband. That happens when he is not able to meet your expectations of him. The best solution here is to forgive him and also ask him to forgive you for expecting to much of him that he is not able to meet it. Love should not be conditional, you should love your husband no matter what, even if he is not able to meet your expectations like provide enough funds for the family.
@busyB4 (875)
• United States
11 Feb 09
There are lots of good responses here many of the same things I was thinking. I would NOT try to make him jealous, as he may think he has lost you then too and go looking elsewhere. Plus like someone said that is LYING to him and that is not what YOU would want from a marriage, and he would figure out it was a lie too. THe truth always comes out in the wash! I think your best way to win him back is to meet him somewhere one on one and tell him the things you have just told us. That you messed up, how good he is to you and what he means to you, how you have been treated for your depression and that you would really love for him to give you another chance at things BUT you have got to be sincere and stick to your word. He may be depressed too from the things and ways you have said and done to him also. Dont expect him just to run back. It is hard to find that there is a "change" in someone unless it is proven long term. Good things take time and might be good if you could just "date" and refind the things that put you together to start with. Good luck! (i'll get off my Dr Phil soapbox LOL!)
@makingpots (11916)
• United States
10 Feb 09
Think about whether you would want him to tell you that, only to find out later it was a lie in order to win you back? Wouldn't you feel manipulated? Why not just be honest with him? Don't think of it as appearring to be desparate but maybe vulnerable instead. We all have to allow ourselves to be vulnerable to move relationships to the next level sometimes. Don't blame the depression, or yourself, or him for any of this. You had a problem and didn't know how to deal with it. Now you do and you are dealing with it. Won't he want to take someone back who is honest with themselves about things.... and honest with him? I know I would. Best wishes with this.
• India
10 Feb 09
to solve ur problem first of all u should be concern about the mistakes made by u earliarly . .not do all the mistakes and wont repeate it again.. to get ur husband back to u ,u to another guy is a wrong option ,if that troubles u ,or ur husband may permanently get away 4m u by seeing that guy with u. . u should be patience . .and make ur husbend happy or make him belive that ur psychological state is correct . .u promise him that u wont make him angry in any time. .