Why is it that when you dont take crap from people you as supposively selfish?

United States
March 4, 2009 2:28am CST
my family are all doormats and believe for some reason that if you stand up for yourself and dont take others cruelty that your automatically SELFISH! im so sick of it! there have been people/friends/family members that have treated me badly and well they will never change and so i just make sure im not around them much (if at all) that way they dont have a chance to harass me to where there is a huge conflict or something.. believe me these people arent all tore up about not seeing me and at the MOST they may just mention im not there but they seriously do NOT care they just want to look like they do.. well that makes me selfish apparently.. because if they are family my family believes i should just take whatever cuts/insults that they throw at me and just think that "they didnt mean it" even though its every time i see them.. constantly through the whole time and been going on for years! when i lived with my parents i of course had to put up with these people and just smile or try to not kill them when these people would attack me but now that im grown and have my own life why should i subject myself to that?? then there are like past friends that i have had.. one in particular that i had been friends with for like 10 years or so and we just totally grew apart and she just became really judgmental and would make comments to me all the time.. she didnt like my husband.. she didnt like my life choices (as in leaving the church) and etc and made it known all the time how she felt.. i mean i can see her telling me once or something but our friendship turned into NOTHING but her always ragging on me.. i end the friendship and my family blames me! i was almost raped and was very upset about it.. my family blames me for how i dressed when i was wearing jeans and a tank top and did nothing to ask for it.. when a guy tried to molest me when i was little i was lying.. etc.. so i dont get it.. how does standing up/getting out of a situation or avoiding it completely to where no more drama happens become a BAD thing on my end?? and why do they put up with it so HAPPILY when it happens to them?? dont they realize that the negativity these people spread just will end up effecting you whether you notice or not? since when does "i will not be a victim" mean "i am the most selfish person in the world"? does anyone else know people like this?? am i missing something? please share your experiences!!
4 people like this
14 responses
@spoiled311 (5502)
• Philippines
4 Mar 09
hi moonlitmagikchild! well i also don't like to be mistreated, because some people, especially those that i dunno, have been treating me unfairly in the past. i dunno, it is just that for some reason, people push me around in public places, step on my feet, etc, without even bothering to say i am sorry. when once, i asked the lady to stop pushing me, she told me that it was my fault because i am small. i dunno why some people are that rude to me. anyway, there are times i would stand up for myself, sometimes, i just keep quiet. i just think that sometimes it is not worth the effort. that i would get more unfair treatment if i did. but well, i guess there is a difference between meekness and forgiveness. i just think that it is not selfishness. some people are just rude and inconsiderate. period. no use trying to blame yourself. just take care of yourself and get these people out of your system. God bless you!
2 people like this
• United States
4 Mar 09
i think some people are just hateful and no way of getting along with them so that its best to just avoid them.. sometimes standing up will solve it but some people just dont get it and its a waste of breath where as avoiding may just solve it easier since they will never "get it" anyways
1 person likes this
@tessah (6621)
• United States
5 Mar 09
it isnt selfishness.. its self preservation. whether people are blood kin or not.. the way they treat you should be what deems whether or not a person is worthy of being one you keep close. if someone cannot be decent to you.. they havent the rights to be in yer life..its that simple. do i know folks like this? yeah pretty much all my relatives. LOL i just got a lecture from one of my younger brothers a couple of days ago in fact about mending fences with my father. he was calling me heartless and cold.. unfeeling etc etc. the one who is unfeeling, is my father.. thus i dont have anything to do with himanymore because it was damaging MY life and those around me having to watch me go thru it everytime hed say things to insult and cut me down. lifes too short.. time is too precious..and there is no reason nor any need to spend it around people who make you utterly miserable just because you happened to have the misfortune of being born within their "family" tree.
1 person likes this
• United States
5 Mar 09
AMEN! im so sick of people thinking that if they are related to you then you automatically have to take whatever they do to you and be ok with it..
@tessah (6621)
• United States
5 Mar 09
well you dont have to be OK with it.. doesnt matter WHO the person is.. if they treat you terribly.. they dont care about you.. so wtf is the point?
1 person likes this
• United States
5 Mar 09
I understand how you feel; I've been told that am mean or I don't forgive. I think people are us to dealing with others bull and they take the concept to forgive and forget a little to far. God says to forgive and forget not let the person come back into your life to harm you again. I feel that it's acceptable to be a doormat and excuse others who do wrong by you. Am told that am to prideful and unforgiving because I refuse to allow people who treats me mean a forever pass to come into my life to hurt me. You are fine the way you are don't be a doormat for anyone.
1 person likes this
• United States
5 Mar 09
yeah i hate it when people feel that if you forgive you must let them re-offend!
• United States
5 Mar 09
yeah that annoys me like no tomorrow but in society if you say you forgive , but doesn't allow the person to re offend then you are accused of not really forgiving the person
1 person likes this
@zweeb82 (5713)
• Malaysia
4 Mar 09
Well, maybe sometimes we may be too blunt & people may think we're too sharp? HahahaI totally understand what you mean
1 person likes this
• United States
4 Mar 09
well i try to be nice at first but after awhile i will snap at people which is why if i know its gonna be a continual thing i avoid them so i dont go off on them and it look like its my fault lol
1 person likes this
@zweeb82 (5713)
• Malaysia
5 Mar 09
Just be yourself as there are these kinds of people around everywhere. We don't have to please everybody. Just as long as we give them the due respect, don't react to their crap & our conscience is clear, we have peace with ourselves. People can always say anything. Doormats have to guts to stand up so they'd expect you to be like them, hell no way!~ HahaI have a very strong character as well & I don't put up with crap & can be VERY blunt so many times I'm being labeled rude & arrogant / lack of humility
1 person likes this
@mommyboo (13197)
• United States
25 Mar 09
OMG. Well... first of all, this is called self preservation, a healthy sense of SELF respect, and is not selfish. Second of all, what is this about taking crap from people or being doormats?! Why does anybody think this is a good idea or somehow okay? GOSH! I get reamed by friends who call me 'mean' or say that I blow up about things. You know what? I am not frigging MEAN. I do speak my mind though, and I expect people to do their job - if your job is to serve burgers, serve me a burger, do not ARGUE with me, just take my money and go away! If you're providing a service and I want my fence painted white, do not ARGUE with me about painting it OFF WHITE. Just paint it white already, take the money, and SHUT UP!! I am really nice at the beginning. It's after folks argue or start questioning me, that the dam breaks. I can't stand it! I don't know what is wrong with people. I know when I worked for an employer, especially in customer service, that I had BETTER do my job, because if I didn't and a customer complained, I might find myself without a job!! Why can't this be the SAME expectation now?? Do you think perhaps they are inwardly jealous of your ability to stand up for yourself? I've had people say with awe 'I don't know how you can do that... be all mean like that and not care'. I usually respond that it only takes practice and then you can be a master just like me. I refuse to be a doormat again too. And I refuse to let anybody get away with treating me like crap when all I expected was for them to do WHAT I'M PAYING THEM FOR!!! With the economy the way it is, don't you think that everybody would be grateful for every dime they have a chance of receiving?? GRRRRR. Appreciate it already! Complain about me to someone I don't know on your own time lol.
1 person likes this
• United States
25 Mar 09
yep im with you.. if i am buying something i want what i want and thats it..
@kprofgames (3099)
• United States
24 Mar 09
I don't have an experience here, but I can simply state: You've have risen above their potential and they are resentful because you aren't JUST LIKE THEM.
1 person likes this
• United States
24 Mar 09
thats a cool way of viewing it
@lynnemg (4536)
• United States
5 Mar 09
I used to be the type who let everyone walk on me, and frankly, it really sucked! It took me a while to figure it out for myself, but once I did, I realized that if I wanted to be happy, one thing I had to do was to stop letting everyone walk on me. Now, I am a lot more confident, not selffish at all, I would give the shirt off my back to help someone if they truly needed it. No, a person is not selffish when they stand up for themselves, they are just tired of being kicked around. Sadly, many people do not realize that a mean rumor that holds absolutely no truth started bt on emean individual can cause problems you don't even expect. These people honestly believe that since it is only a rumor and holds no truth, no one will believe it. In the end, they end up hurt worse than they would have been had they just stopped the rumor or conflict to begin with.
1 person likes this
• United States
5 Mar 09
yeah rumors can ruin people and relationship and even kill!! the power of the word spoken is insane sometimes
• China
5 Mar 09
it is really a serious topic,it reminds me a campaign launched by antitheists in Spain which arouses heated debate , they put a slogan on lots of public buses, say: ''God never exist just enjoying yourself'' , it is very interesting and fresh to some extent ,religion is more like burden than relief, which oppresses people from doing they like,
• United States
5 Mar 09
yep. i hate how people use religion to abuse others and make themselves feel better when they are in the wrong
@HansonFan (1659)
• United States
5 Mar 09
Oh dear, that's horrible. I have had the problem with friends like that just recently and I got the same thing. I started standing up for myself to one of my "friends" and another one kept doing things like saying "We need to talk"...uhm..you are not my mother and that had to stop. It didn't and she got an earful. Now I have dropped all my friends like that and am pretty happy with my life now. I know people are like that and use their "friends" that way, but I can't believe your family. That is wrong to do to a family member! Mine is far from perfect (my mom expects me to support her when I graduate college...boy will she be surprised! lol) but if I told them I had almost been raped they would have done something about it! At least you realize what is going on and know that it is YOUR life, not theirs. However, it can't be easy to have no support ( except for your husband I assume). I hope that you find many more good friends in your future and I would live by the saying "Friends are the family that you get to choose!"
• United States
5 Mar 09
yeah my family was always obsessed with family and how family is everything but yet i have found more supportive people and less headaches away from family rather than in it.. seems like the people obsessed with family will put up with anything to keep the family intact which doesnt help anyone
• United States
5 Mar 09
wow you remind me of myself... these people make you feel like your the problem when its really them. They have no respect, and you should never stop standing up for yourself because in the end its all about you no one is going to take care of you like you so put yourself up high... if you don't get along with certian friends then that means they were not suppose to be apart of your life. You are right by not hanging around such ignorant people. my mother always said put yourself in the presense of good people and good things will happen to you ... those who bring you down should not be apart of your life...
1 person likes this
• United States
5 Mar 09
your mother is soooo right!! i have noticed when i settled for less than great friends in the past its always ended up screwing me in the end..
@hanasays (212)
• United States
4 Mar 09
Well, generally, nobody wants to be called "Selfish". A lot of people consider being selfish to be a very bad thing (and often rightfully so). A lot of people know that the easiest way to strong-arm or guilt a person into doing what they want is to call that person "selfish", especially when they know that the person is essentially a good-hearted person and considers being selfish a very bad thing. So they think it's an easy way to guilt them into caving and bending to their will. That "trick" used to work on me a lot, until I got really sick of it. I decided that no, not letting people walk all over me is not "selfish". The people calling me selfish because I won't let them treat me like a doormat are the selfish ones. I'm sorry to hear about your best friend, and how your family treated you over the rape/molestation. That's very wrong of your family. Rape is not your fault, and blaming it on a woman's clothing is what a coward does. As far as I'm concerned, I should be able to walk down the street completely naked and not worry about being attacked. People, men included, should be accountable for their actions - there is a thing called "self restraint".
• United States
5 Mar 09
figures.. and it makes sense that its the perfect wording to try to control or guilt some one into something or caving.. yeah i just love how no one is responsible for their own actions.. its always some one elses fault.. i mean how ignorant are we that we just see something and do whatever pops into our head without being able to stop?? what are we animals??
@uath13 (8204)
• United States
4 Mar 09
Your being selfish because your not giving THEM someone to push around & bully...GEZ don't you get it? ( offers moonlitmagikchild an axe ) Here, have fun & smack them in the teeth.
1 person likes this
• United States
5 Mar 09
i know how inconsiderate am i?? lol
@HelloMickey (1656)
• Hong Kong
4 Mar 09
hi moonlitmagikchild My family are slightly similar as yours, I can accept what they are now. My father likes to laugh at me and makes fun of me, and always tell me what I should do in my work/life, if I try to stand up for myself, speaking out what I prefer my life and what my dream is, then I am the one who are so narrowminded to take other peoples' words so seriously. That's just not fair. I have tried to speak/act like them, this time I am about to put up a quarrel, as I am now the one who is thought being so mean to say something making others upset. Same as you, some of them always think that "they didn't mean it", but that's not true. After so many experience with them, I am so afraid to show my true feelings with them. I will just smile when these people would mock at me. I thought it so hard and I finally understand they are a kind of inconsiderate person! Or they just like hypocrites?! It doesn't matter. But I find out how to get along with them. You just need to agree with them like an idiot, they don't need your opinion, they don't want what you need, they just want their needs. Once you start to pretend that you appreciate their ideas, they will then recognize you are in their circle, and then they will finally stop blaming you.
• United States
5 Mar 09
it will be hard to humor them since i disagree so much but then again you might be right with some of them
@sharay (2776)
• India
4 Mar 09
i have had such experiences with quite a few people in my life too, i normally dont walk away from them, but always speak back which my family did not like just like yours, they say, "they are after all elders and just listen to what they have got to say no matter you like it or not", but i have always stood by myself and have never encouraged people to talk to me that way and sometimes, yes i have to toelrate them because of my family, but just for a while, after that i just walk away from that place, which is an insult to them, later i found that that was more effective than to debate with them
1 person likes this
• United States
4 Mar 09
yeah i mean i will the first couple of times try to just let the person know to back off and that it was offensive but you can tell pretty quick if they care or not and if they dont and keep doing it just staying away seems best