Would you want to meet your husband's girlfriend?

Singapore
March 12, 2009 11:09pm CST
Recently, when my hubby told me that he was seeing someone else, I was curious about the girl. I wanted to meet him and it was arranged. Although my hubby has told me almost everything I needed to know, I just wanted a confirmation from the girl personally. The final decision still lies with him and we are both waiting for it, hopefully soon. After the meeting, the girl was disturbed (more than I am) and according to hubby, not her usual self. As far as I'm concerned, I pray that they break up so that he comes back to me and our daughter. I know that we can still save this marriage. So if you knew that your hubby/ bf is cheating on you, would you want to meet her? Why?
7 people like this
36 responses
@rocketj1 (6955)
• United States
13 Mar 09
Wow! How awkward was THAT?! I can't EVEN imagine! Were you even pleasant? I know I wouldn't have been! Yes, I would want to meet her but it wouldn't have been an arranged thing by my husband! I would have hunted her down myself and let her know that she was unwelcome in the middle of my marriage!! Did your husband get some sort of thrill out of this? I think he probably did! I would not give him the satisfaction!
2 people like this
• Singapore
13 Mar 09
Awkward? Yes, it was very awkward. Because she is the third party, she felt that did not have anything much to say. I wanted to know her stand, which turns out to be rather vague. I tried to be pleasant, but I also let her know that she has no rights over my hubby. I would have hunted her down if she did not agree to the meeting. It was easy, my hubby knew. As such, rather I create a scene, he agreed to the meeting. Thrill, not for my hubby. My hubby was not around when we talked, but I think he regretted doing that. He was very anxious on the outcome of the meeting. But soon realised that everything is now up to him. We are both waiting for some answers on his part.
1 person likes this
@zabawaus (1730)
• United States
13 Mar 09
OMG what am I reading? I couldn't find anything to say at first time, but after reading i felt so upset. Tough situation , well i will never ever meet my husbands girl friend personally but i am sure i would find a way to see her far away. I cant sleep if i dont know what she looks like / I hope never happens such things. Again sorry !!
2 people like this
• Singapore
13 Mar 09
I'm sorry I upset you. I'm just curious whether other people would take the same steps I did. Like you, I needed to know how she looked like, whether she is serious about my hubby and want to know where does she think this relationship was going. There was some things that was pretty obvious but my hubby refuses to see the reality of it all. I needed her to understand the realities too. She needs to understand and feel that the person she loves is a husband and father. It is not just a figment of her imagination. I think I made it REAL for her, that's why she is disturbed and to a certain extent, she should be.
2 people like this
@lazeebee (5461)
• Malaysia
13 Mar 09
Hi Sydney, I admire your strong and forgiving character. I would not be able to handle it this way. Most probably I don't even want to hope that he would give up the other woman - and I definitely won't meet up with her! What is there to talk about anyway? I just want him to make a quick decision; it's either me or her. So I hope you will be okay - take care and God bless you!
• Singapore
13 Mar 09
Thank you for your compliments. I have to be strong in this matter, when I know my hubby is weak. I still feel that this marriage can be saved, or I would probably not gone to such an extent. I was hoping to hear some things that would make my hubby decide much faster and easier. But he still has difficulties. I just have to wait, hopefully not too long. I'm a wreck inside, only God knows.
1 person likes this
@zhuhuifen46 (3483)
• China
13 Mar 09
Never, for women, we can love one person at a time, while for men, maybe more than one. That is what I heard, and I believe. I do not think you will have same peace after meeting your husband's girlfriend. Since he says they are settled, you might as well give him some time to resolve the issue. Do not squeeze him to the corner by doing anything stupid, and do your own part as well as possible. That might be a better way out.
1 person likes this
• Singapore
13 Mar 09
I don't really understand what you meant by saying "they're settled". There's nothing settled in this issue just yet. He has not made any decisions yet. I'm trying not to push him into a corner, but I would like some answers pretty soon. I'm trying to be very patient.
1 person likes this
13 Mar 09
Well, when mine cheated on me I wanted to see the person who could do that! Like you, I was also curious. I wanted to see what she looked like, the car she drove, her persoality, etc. I thought knowing all that stuff about her would help me understand why he did it. It never did help me understand why. When I found out we started going to marriage counseling, and the counselor specifically told me to stay away from her, that no good would come of it. Myself at the time though had been reading books about letting go of things from the past and moving on. The power of forgivness and such. This was after I went through alot of hate! I was full of it! I wanted to beat the living crap out of her! That's when I discovered everything I was reading, because I felt like crap and was searching for a way to make myself feel better. So I did not listen to the counselor and with the help of xanax I met her. I went to my husbands work on his lunch break and I saw her. I didn't go there to do that, I kind of made an impulse decission. After talking to my husband and he was finished with his lunch I was walking back to my car as she was getting out of hers. So I walked up to her and introduced myself as his wife. I told her I know what was going on and that I wanted to forgive her. I told her I'd appreciate it if she never spoke to him again and leave us alone. I gave her a hug, and told her I forgive her and walked away. Keep in mind I was medicated at that time. But even after that on my way home I felt like a huge wieght was lifted off of me! I felt absoluty great! Even after the medication wore off I still felt good about myself. My husband and I continued to go to marraige counseling and we were never better! He wasn't talking to her anymore, then she got fired from where he worked and I never thought I ever had to worry about her again! Well that's what I thought anyways. Then about two months later, my husband had to be at work extra early the next morning so he was in bed asleep. I was up paying bills on-line and I came to the phone bill. As I was looking it over, I had saw a call from that girl's number. Confused I starting examing the phone bill alot closer. The calls from her, and calls to her went back four months! They had still been talking the entire time and even more than I knew before! I was absoluty devistated! I woke him up and confronted him. His responce was they were just friends and they just talked on the phone. He went back to sleep, so I tried to call her. She didn't answer of course. So I left late at nite and went to a friends house without my husband knowing. I tried calling her from my friends phone and she answered. I asked her about the calls and what was realy going on. She said she didn't wan to tell me on the phone and she'd rather tell me in person?? I was shocked that she would want to do so, but I agreed. She told me where she lived and I met with her the next morning. I was really upst when I went there and to get to her apartment I had to drive through the parking lot of where we went to marraige counseling! I had no idea! You could actually see where she lived from the steps of marriage counseling!! I went in and we talked for a little bit. She went on to tell me that he would come over in the morning before work, and go over there when I was at work. He would take her kid to daycare. Hearing that devistated me to no end! You see at the time we had been trying to have baby for two years. The thought that kept going through my head was picturing him with his little secret family he had and me at home decorating a baby room! So after getting both sides of their stories I fit them together and formed my own opinions about everything. Flash forward to now, I am happily divorced, and living a thousand miles away from him. I met someone that I love very much and treats me with respect. Like I mentioned in the begining about the power of forgivness, I forgave him. We are just friends now, and he has actually met my new boyfriend! The funny part is we all three rode together to court for our divorce! lol I know I could never be with my ex-husband ever agian for all of the pain he put me through. Not only the pain but also everything he did behind my back! So forgiving him has helped me to the fact I'm not full of hatred. I don't dwell on it. I was with him since I was fifteen, and I'm twenty five now so having someone in your life for ten years was hard to let go of, but he's not completely gone as we still remain friends. If I were you I'd tell your husband it's either me or her, there would be no time to think about it! I know it's harder for you because of your daughter, but I still wouldn't want to wait on him to choose. That's not fair to your marriage vows, you, or your daughter. I have no remorse for cheaters after going through what I've been through! So I'm on your side 100%!! Just don't let him take advantage of you or make you think that there might be a better option for him out there...because he married you!
1 person likes this
• China
13 Mar 09
It seems that your husband has been cheating on you for a long time and he doesn't even have the courage to make a confess. Why some people are just so irresponsible and greedy. He has married you, but he still has a wandering eye.
@vickycity (154)
• China
13 Mar 09
No. I will make myself better. and to show my love for my husband. If he want with the girl together just the same,I will give up. because I think love can't reluctant. We also can live well without him. but i will do my best to detention he.
1 person likes this
• Singapore
13 Mar 09
Thank you for your response! I do find that there is a split when it comes to this issue - whether to meet or not. Yes, I'm showing my hubby my love and patience in this matter and he appreciates it. If he wants the girl, what can I say? But I'm not going without a fight for my rights. He is rightfully mine, not hers. I think she knows where she stands, just hanging on, for fun? Not sure. She told me she's ready to accept any decisions made by my husband. She's ready if he lets her go and comes back to me. It's all up to my hubby now. He has to decide.
1 person likes this
@jammyt (2818)
• Philippines
13 Mar 09
Knowing how sensitive I am, I think I'd pass. I know I'd only hurt myself more if I see them together. However, if you say she was more disturbed than you, then she's probably insecure of you. Of course, I'm also hoping that your husband goes back to you and your daughter because I believe in a family that is complete.
• Singapore
13 Mar 09
Thanks Jammy! I'm hiding a lot of emotions right now, and trying to stay calm for the sake of my husband. If he is weak, then I have to be strong. He has been patient when I have been unhappy. I think it is now my way to tell him that I'm there for him, whatever he decides. I'm terribly hurt by all the things that has happened, but since my hubby has been open and honest ever since, it was much easier for me to accept what's going on. She'd better feel insecure of me. She knows that my hubby is not going to let me go. I'm still wondering what she's trying to do. She's hanging on to hopes my hubby gave her. I pray she does what she has to do - let go of my hubby!
@sid556 (30960)
• United States
13 Mar 09
Of course I'd want to meet her. I think it is only natural. She probably felt very awkward because he is still married to the mother of his child. I certainly would. I mean, I know it isn't all her fault and that your husband played his part in all this. Still, she must feel a bit of guilt and/or embarassment. I would. I think you are handling this well. I hope it all works out for you.
• Singapore
13 Mar 09
I was trying to see if there was any guilt, but just uneasiness on her part, that's all. My husband has a lot of part in this, I'm afraid, giving hopes to her as well. I certainly do not know where this is going, but I'm going to continue to show my love for him and pray that they'd break up (whether on her part - that would be easier for my hubby OR on my hubby's part). I hope it all works out for me. Thank you for your response!
1 person likes this
@nanajanet (4436)
• United States
13 Mar 09
Yes. Men do have a natural tendency to stray as I feel that they have it built in and need to fight it. They like the feeling that other women want them and many have said that they love their wives, though. I would definitely get into counseling, though. Without it, it will go back to the same old same old and you deserve better than someone who will do that to you, over and over.
1 person likes this
@lynnemg (4529)
• United States
13 Mar 09
When my ex-husband cheated on me, I made sure I met the girls he cheated with. I wanted to know who they were and what about them was appealing to him. With one of them, I actually sat down in her kitchen, drank coffee, and had a long conversation. I felt that I had to see how the girls differred from me, wht they looked like, their attitudes, anything that may answer the question, "Why did he cheat with her?" Now, if my current husband ever cheated on me, I would want to know who she was, but probably not for the same reasons. I am a much stronger person now than I was before, so I think I would only want to know who it was out of curiosity. I would not tolerate my husband cheating on me at all. Been down that road before. I came to the conclusion a long time ago that if one person cheats, they cannot truly love their spouse.
1 person likes this
• Singapore
13 Mar 09
Thanks lynn for your response! My! Your hubby cheated on you with more than one girl? I think that's unforgivable. I'm giving him a chance because this is his first time. I sat down with her and asked her about where this relationship of hers with my hubby is going, but she does not have a straight answer. It's obvious she is not thinking very far about this matter, seems to me just playing with the time she has with my hubby. BUt I know my hubby has thought far, I feel sad for him because he refused to see certain things staring down at him. But I'm going to let him be for a while so that he could make his decision. In the meantime, I will continue to pray that they'd break up and he comes back to me and our daughter. That's good to know that you are much stronger. I think I will be too after all this. I have to ponder on your last note though.
1 person likes this
@nikky28 (1572)
• India
13 Mar 09
Oh this is tough! I would never meet her as I would be really a wreck and I would hate to meet her. I might meet her to put her down though lol. You are a nice person and pretty practical. And since you say she is not herself since she met you shows that she is insecure about the relationship. I hope you get your husband back better than he was before. Good luck.
• Singapore
13 Mar 09
It's strange but my husband is treating me so much better than before. Communication between is also much better. He lets me know where he is and what he intends to do, he knows he was the one who has betrayed my trust and hopefully see the need to work at it. I also know he's probably doing all this to satisfy a certain "want". So I'm keeping myself grounded, although I can get heady with all the things he is showering me with. As for the girl, she seems disturbed by some of the things I mentioned. I don't think she expected my hubby to still continue to be close and intimate with me. I dropped hints that I get upset when she text my hubby at "special moments" we were enjoying. It depends how you define "special moments" of course and I left it to her imagination. My hubby felt that she is keeping something from him after the meeting. I'm as curious as he is. Thank you for wishing me luck. I need it all.
@angel2009 (210)
• India
13 Mar 09
No!! I would definitely not meet her because there will be only hatred for her in my mind. And there will be no reason for me to meet the person who has broken or is breaking my relationship!! I will not even want to see her face in my weirdest nightmares!!
1 person likes this
@ushassu (34)
• India
13 Mar 09
Oh God.What all happens in this world and what all are persons made to go through.Just now i answered a girl whose lover dumped her and next question i am reading of a husband wanting to dump his wife.First of all why does ur husband prefer her toyou. Is it attraction towards her or dissatisfaction and monotony towards you. Ofcourse everyone wants to see what kind of a girl is her husband attracted to and for whom is she being treated this way but i dont think i have the strength and courage to actually meet her and talk to her, or see them together in our meeting. I think its best to take support of your family and your in-laws and make your husband see sense. Marriage is not a child play of wanting to end at our wish. This is a life long commitment and whther one agrees to this or not, whether one likes it or not it has to be carried out through out life. Also talk over to husband why he wants to marry that girl. Does he feel there is any lagging in you in your nature, attitude towards him or whether he wants you to be more caring, beautiful or what. Marriages can be broken only in case of extremeties and love for another person is definitely not a valid reason enough to break a marriage. Also there is the issue of your daughter. he cant be so irresponsible and immatured to say that i want to marry another girl even when he has liked u enough to have a daughter. If needed try to contact that girl through your family and make her see sense. Personally i cant bear to see the girl myself. It would be too great a trauma for me to just meet that girl.
• Singapore
13 Mar 09
Hi ushassu, I don't know if I wrote in a way you thought my hubby is dumping me for the girl. But he is not. He knows that he has responsibilities with me and our daughter. It's just that he can't let go of the other girl so easily. He needs to decide on this soon, whether to leave her or not, then maybe I will decide on some other things. Divorce is a last resort. There were some family problems, but during that period he went to find comfort in others. But that problem is now resolved, but his problem is now not. It is very funny, but my hubby is trying to make it up to me, by being extremely nice towards me. In fact, he has revealed a lot of things in the relationship which I wanted to know. Communication between us has never been better. We have never been closer. But I don't know how long this will last though. Until he decides, I can't sleep or eat. The experience was an interesting one. I got some information he may be hiding via omission. But I think she was even more traumatised than me. She saw how real I am, not just an imagination of hers. I pray the break up. Please pray for me too! Thank you for your response!
2 people like this
• India
13 Mar 09
hi buddy! cool, i meet that friend, i try to solve the problem to the girl, every problem is soved through open talk to particular person, so no problem, take care bye
1 person likes this
@checapricorn (16061)
• United States
26 Mar 09
Hi Sydney, For sure I will love to meet her, I just want to see her..and if I need to talk to her and tell her that I am the wife and we got kids and I want to save our marriage, I will tell her that!
• India
15 Mar 09
Nopes...In the first place, I wouldn't get married. ;) Even if I do and learn he is cheating on me, I think I would just tell him to go to hell and live on my own. Cheers and happy Mylotting
@Jezebella (1446)
• United States
19 Mar 09
I dont think I would want to meet the other woman. I would be curious about her, but I wouldn't want to see her or know who she is.
@bombshell (11256)
• Germany
14 Mar 09
hmm dificult to answer but if you still love him why not?and its all depens the reason of the sitaution.but when i met my hubby´s ex wife i dont have a problem even the kids
@Ysabel (1201)
• Philippines
23 Mar 09
SydneyHazelton, you are a very strong woman! I don't know if i will be able to handle that situation or if i want to be in that situation. You were able to composed yourself and remain calm in front of that other woman and for that alone, i salute you!
• United States
16 Mar 09
This is pretty disturbing, but if I were in your situation. Yes, I would like to know who she is as well. I wouldn't want to get to know her, but I'd like to see who she is.