If you aren't married or weren't married when your children were born....
By mommyboo
@mommyboo (13174)
United States
March 24, 2009 9:29am CST
... are you going to tell them? There still seems to be this stigma attached to people who are not married, at least to some people. I'm not talking about when the kids are little, because they don't really care then. BUT... if it was never discussed and your kids ask when they're older, will you admit that you aren't married or tell them you had them before you married?
Our daughter was born before we got married. It doesn't bother me and I don't see why it would matter to her - I also intend not to have too idealistic views and 'expect' her to get married first, if you know what I mean. Clearly if it's not a good idea because she's not in love or doesn't want a baby, that's one thing but in general I'd not expect her to adhere to something I didn't care about lol.
5 people like this
11 responses
@cynthiann (18602)
• Jamaica
24 Mar 09
I am a lot older than you are and came from a different generation. Ther was not the freedom and I had my children after I was married. I have never regretted this at all. having said that, I do not think that there is a stigma at all these days. My eldest grand daughter knows that her parents had not married and it is not a problem for her at all. Blessings
1 person likes this
@mommyboo (13174)
• United States
25 Mar 09
Hmmm. Are you from my parents' generation? My parents are in their early 60s. I feel even if I came from that generation, I would still believe that it doesn't matter, even if many people felt it did.
I am however grateful to be living NOW instead of 100 years ago. I am sure I'd have all sorts of problems were I to have lived back then.... most of the problems caused by other people and their narrow minded opinions lol.
@yogeshgrover22 (8)
• India
24 Mar 09
If I stuck in such kind of situation then I would like like discuss with my girl friend and I would like to accept her decision what ever she decide I'll accept it...
@barehugs (8973)
• Canada
25 Mar 09
Well, where I live in Ontario Canada there is no stigma attached to unmarried couples. In fact, 3 out of 4 of my boys are living together with a partner and No one thinks anything of it. It seems obvious to me, You are the one who is carrying the stigma, and my advise is to come to grips with it, and realize you are 50 years out of style with your beliefs. Just relax and let your daughter do her own thing. I'm sure she will be stigma free, because she is from a younger , more knowledgeable generation.
1 person likes this
@mommyboo (13174)
• United States
25 Mar 09
I don't have a problem, I brought this up because there are many others, mostly with religious beliefs, who keep claiming it is wrong. Just look at some of the religious based discussions around here, you'll come across it shortly.
Did you not happen to see that I wasn't married before my daughter was born? LOL! If we had decided not to get married, we would still not be married. I know some couples who have been together 17, 18, 25 years or longer yet are not 'legally married'. I suppose in some places that constitutes common-law, but I hear that is not exactly the same. It seems the same to me but what do I know...
@checapricorn (16061)
• United States
24 Mar 09
[i]Hi mommyboo,
If ever I am in this situation, I will not hide any it from my kid/kids. I will be proud having them and it means no regrets and that is life. I also want them to be open-minded about things in life![/i]
1 person likes this
@mommyboo (13174)
• United States
25 Mar 09
Thanks! I think this is an excellent and tolerant view and it cheers me to see that the first response I got was such. I have just seen too many discussions lately where people are so very narrowminded and stress-inducing with the way they think and what they expect from their kids. No wonder kids are getting migraines and depression and anxiety these days.
@moonlitmagikchild (22181)
• United States
24 Mar 09
i think you need to be honest with your kids and the degree of honesty being dependant on their maturity.. kids have a way of finding out that kind of thing anyways so i think its a silly thing and sending the wrong message if you do hide it
1 person likes this
@mommyboo (13174)
• United States
25 Mar 09
Hehe. Yeah, I was thinking in terms of how kids are with each other and thinking of how maybe a friend or someone who wasn't a friend making an innocent or not-so-innocent comment and having the kid wonder....
Kids, like adults, will ponder what-ifs to the nth degree... and sometimes come to horrible conclusions that are no where near related to the truth lol.
I think it is worse if you find out that your parents were married but did not love each other! I mean we can tell our daughter that she is definitely here out of love.... and that we are here with her out of love. That is absolute, we are married now but even if we weren't, the rest would still be true and be why we are all here. That is the secret of life, and the best reason.
@lynnemg (4529)
• United States
25 Mar 09
I wasn't married when my oldest was born, and I was never married to his biological father, he knows this, and I am not ashamed of it. Yes, he is still young, but if he brings it up when he gets older, I will be honest with him.
Now, with my youngr two kids, I was married to their biological father when they were born, but we divorced when they were still real young and din't understand it. If they ever question what happened, I will also behonest with them.
There is no sense in lying to our kids about things that may or may not effect their futures. I think it is better to be honest with them.
1 person likes this
@erica1221_112 (275)
• United States
24 Mar 09
If my kids aske, i will tell them that i had them before we were married. I will explain it to them too that we always planned on getting married, we were just waiting until we could afford it or at least try to afford it. I was 21 when i had my oldest daughter & almost 23 with my second daughter. I was still young, i think they would approve of me not being married til i was 23. i hope.
1 person likes this
@mommyboo (13174)
• United States
25 Mar 09
I really think that it won't matter to your kids - as long as they don't encounter any mean people who tell them otherwise. I am glad that for the most part, general society seems to be much more accepting of normal occurrences and things that just happen to people instead of being like it was 100 years ago where if you weren't married when you had a child, you were as bad off as a criminal and hidden away so people wouldn't 'know about it'. I have nothing but contempt for the people who made things that way back then lol.
@Ravenladyj (22904)
• United States
24 Mar 09
Yea my kids have always known that I wasnt married to their father...we lived commonlaw and though its similar its NOT the same..they also know that I got married to their little brothers father AFTER Tyler passed away....Its not a big deal...at least not to me/us it isnt...
@momtrying2makeit (3270)
• United States
24 Mar 09
I agree with you. SOme people feel it is not right but to me why get married if you are not ready or get married because of public pressure right?
@mommyboo (13174)
• United States
25 Mar 09
Hehe. Getting married due to public pressure or any 'reason' other than your own to me is the WRONG reason lol.
I am one of those crude mean people who believes if you make any decision for any reason other than your own, you are a sheeple and sheeples are BAD people lol.
The only way that a decision is a good one is if you come to it on your own and are not influenced too much by the views or ideas of others.
@newzealtralian (3930)
• Australia
6 Apr 09
I believe in being honest about such things. Lying or hiding the truth can be more harmful than the truth itself.
I don't believe that couples should wait until they are married to have children. Our 5 have been born without us being married, and they are just as normal as the kids who's parents waited for marriage before having more kids.
@mermaidivy (15395)
• United States
25 Mar 09
I don't think I would tell them if they asked when they were small because I don't know what they w9ould think in theyir little brain. They probably would figure it out once they get older but then you can explain to them and they could understand.
@chuan258641xing (108)
• China
25 Mar 09
do evrething natural is the best ,don't think it too much, you are not god or someone who know everything may be your thoughts are wrong but remmber don't just consleder youself
