I do not think I am doing anything unusual or heroic

@suspenseful (40314)
Canada
May 20, 2009 4:24pm CST
My husband had a stroke, in fact a series of mini strokes or tias one after that other and now his hands are so wrinkled up, he has to use a walker to get around and we are getting a power chair. I have to help him get dressed, help him to the bathroom, get him into bed and out of bed, and now I have to help feed him. He is still cognizant, so his mind is not going except he will laugh at the craziest things. The other day the home care worker was around so that we could get someone to help him have a sponge bath if I were not in at the time and she said I was doing extensive help. I do not think that I am doing that extensive. After we married, for better or worse. Anyone of you have have disabled spouses, feel the same way that I do?
6 people like this
16 responses
@GardenGerty (115096)
• United States
20 May 09
I was in your shoes many years ago. My first husband became ill at 42. His illness eventually required total care, and he asked me to put him in a nursing home. People often told me that I was doing an exceptional thing, but I did not think so, as I loved him all of my life. All of his life. Even in the nursing home I stayed twenty two hours a day. Even Hospice thought that I was doing more than a hero's job.
@GardenGerty (115096)
• United States
22 May 09
A lot of things go through your mind when you are in that position. Our insurance paid for almost all of his nursing home expenses, and life insurance took care of the rest. When your husband or wife is slipping from you you want something to stay the same, like your home.
1 person likes this
@suspenseful (40314)
• Canada
8 Jan 10
My husband found out he has als or Lou Gehrig's disease. We are staying in our own home. NOw if I can just convince him that I am not made of money and cannot treat everyone all the time, that would help. We are going to the Als center and our friends are coming along and he wants me to pay for lunch. And i already pay the grocery bill, bought the Christmas presents. I will have to stop saving money now.
@mipen2006 (5528)
• Australia
20 May 09
Hello suspensful, I and I'm sure a lot of your friends on myLot really admire what you do for your husband. You're right, we do take our partner 'for better, or for worse, and in sickness and in health,' but there are many who would not be able to do what you do for your husband. Do you get a home carer allowance from the government. In Australia home carers do get assistance, albeit minimal. God bless you.
2 people like this
@suspenseful (40314)
• Canada
21 May 09
Here we get the hospital bed free or on loan. Renovations and much of the equipment such as lift chairs, wheel chairs, etc. are income tax deductible. And also provincial and federal tax free. We are lucky because our house is all paid for because my husband decided to go on the biweekly mortgage instead of a monthly mortgage, and that is in spite of having to help relatives financially when they needed it. Also I was brought up to do my own cooking,and learned to be thrifty. And my husband also bought stocks that he put in his retirement plan. So much of what happened was due to careful planning. We could also get a loan, but we would rather not have to go that route.
1 person likes this
@byfaithonly (10716)
• United States
20 May 09
Well, I don't have a spouse and when I did he wasn't disabled in any way except a major 'jerk' attitude. I do however admire you greatly for all you do and hope your husband appreciates. I'm with you - for better or worse and would expect if I were in that situation I would do the same.
2 people like this
@suspenseful (40314)
• Canada
21 May 09
We can't just leave it for someone else to do what we can do ourselves I would like a break once in a while and I do get them when I take a walk, so it is not as if I am stuck there. I do wish he would get better and we could find a way to reverse the stroke, but it is situated in his brain near his balance center and that makes it a bit dangerous.
@olydove (1209)
• United States
21 May 09
Hello suspenseful, Well I don't know the whole story but it sounds to me like your hubby takes you for granted ( as many men do.) I understand what you mean when you say he was brought up to believe women aren't worth as much as men,.. unfortunately many men have been brought up that way. In my experience, my first long term relationship ( 8 years ) he was the same, blamed me for anything that went wrong, didn't respect anything I had done or wanted to do etc.. I finally got tired of it and left with the kids. I wanted to marry him but he for whatever reason didn't want to get married and well now I'm glad we didn't get married. 5 years later I met my husband whom is such the opposite.. he was brought up by just his mom and is for the most part taking care of me now because I am disabled. I can walk and all that but I have post traumatic stress, panic attacks and more. I am truly blessed because my husband didn't have to marry me, didn't have to take care of me or my boys the way he does, but he does and I am thankful every single day for it. I can say, if the situation was turned around I would do the same for him, so indeed it's not heroic but it does take a very very special person to honor their vows all the way to the " in sickness and in health ". So many just run.. and for that your husband should appreciate you and be greatful. As for the hospital staff whispering comments about you sleeping,.. well they can #$*$&@(!_)%*&! Keep up the good work and know that even though he might not appreciate what you do,.. from all the responses here I see many mylotters do appreciate that you are true to your vows.
2 people like this
@mipen2006 (5528)
• Australia
21 May 09
You amaze me suspensful. I read tour discussions, but mostly don't have anything to add. How you find time to do all the things you do is remarkable. With taking care of your husband and your house, you still find time to be involved with your church activities. On top of all this uou are writing a book! Maybe someone could write about you. God bless you.
2 people like this
• United States
21 May 09
maybe not heroic, but definitely inspirational to others.
2 people like this
@williamjisir (22900)
• China
21 May 09
Hello suspenseful. You are so nice to be so kind to your disable spouse, helping him in every way. It is really very touching and not easy for you. Let me talk about my own parents. My father is very near-sighted and can only see things clearly very close to him, which gives him much inconvenience. My father is eighty-three years old this year. He still enjoys his life a lot in spite of his being so near-sighted. Because he has my mother help him and take so good care of him all these years. My mother is a very considerate and caring lady. She is always behind my father. I love my parents. They love each other. My father often says that my mother is his eyes, which is very vivid. I am very proud to have my lovable parents. Take care, friend.
2 people like this
• Canada
21 May 09
We do what we need to do when the people we love need our help. My husband is going blind. I am already almost blind, so I know what he is going through. I have been able to help him out quite a bit. We work very well together. I'm teaching him how to do things around the house with limited vision. What comes second nature to me is new to him, but he's learning more every single day.
1 person likes this
• United States
21 May 09
NO I don't have a spouse at the moment, still when I took my vows with the man I WAS married to I took very seriously. The thing is I believed he did too, well short story he didn't. Anyways with those vows comes good times, bad times, health times, growing together times, helping each other at times. It all is apart of the relationship you build over the years being together.
1 person likes this
@ckhair13 (185)
• United States
26 Jul 09
My husband had a mild stroke in May, luckily now he is fully recovered, but the whole thing is a complete nightmare...cuz of insurance they sent him to a rehab place that was like an hour away from here...I traveled there every day, brought home his laundry, would do it at like 10pm just so when I went back the next day he would have clean clothes or else he would be mad at me...if I didn't go see him he'd be mad at me, if I didn't bring him the right iced tea he'd be mad at me, once he even told me to go f%$# myself cuz he was that mad at me...I was very hurt inside, but I stood by him cuz he is my husband & I know that strokes can do this to people & I don't blame him cuz I wouldn't be happy in a hospital for 3 weeks either...when he came home he did therapy at an outpatient place & one day I was late picking him up & he was furious with me & acted like I didn't ever do anything for him, that I was no good...at that time I was very upset & crying & had had enough, but still I keep my mouth shut...he is 100% fully recovered & now is his normal self again, thank God....I just always wonder if I would get the same wonderful care from him if the tables were turned & it was me lying in the hospital bed or if he wouldn't care about me as much as I care about him...hopefully I never have to find out...
@Thoroughrob (11748)
• United States
3 Jun 09
You are doing what any married couple should do, caring for him to the best of your ability. I hope they can get you a little help. I do not have a spouse that is disabled, but I do have a son and get the same comments. I do what I have to do. I love him and no matter what it takes, I will learn what is needed to care for him the way he needs to be cared for. I have no choice in the matter in my mind.
@eshaan (6193)
• India
23 May 09
I think its good though not extensive that you are doing all that, and i agree with you that you both had married for being together in bad as well as good times, so though i am not having such problem, but i think i will do the same as such work can be best done by the partner than any other helper or servant, he wont feel comfortable even if you pay and get some other person to do all that for him...so keep up your good work, God is there to see and look after you both
• United States
21 May 09
hi suspenseful...it's admirable that you take such personal care of your husband. that is demanding for sure. i look after my 90 yr Mother but she can get around. i give her meds to her. we have a bath lady come in once a week. Mom can take care of her basic needs but needs someone around. she shouldn't be left alone more than a little bit. i hope you get the rest you need. God Bless your for your Love & Faithfulness to your husband.
• India
21 May 09
You are great dear really! Many will get rid of those things these days.And you are taking care every single minute of your husband as you promised at the time of your marriage.Really hats-off to you dear.Please take care and no problem GOD is there and he will definitely makes your husband walk so that you can be happy ever.And don't forget to pray and definitely GOD will hear your prayer and makes a miracle soon.All the Best dear!!!
• United States
21 May 09
Hi. While I do not have a spouse in need of care, I was A Home Care Specialist for many years. I saw the whole gambet of family "caregivers". Some people enjoyed the martidome role and would not accept help that was available. Some people, like I think you are, gave with love and compasion the help that was needed . were wise enough to take advantage of services available. Then there were family members that just turned their backs. And .then there is those that despite ability to provide in-home care they in their selfish wisdom stick their "loved" ones in "fascilities." Now don't get me wrong, fascilities are necessary. Sadly too often they are under-funded, under-staffed and are not capable of providing the kind of care required for optimum life enhancement. It's often warehousing at best. The people that work there care or they wouldn't be there. They do the best they can. I understand your not feeling nobel, it's as it should be. You are to be commended,supported, and encouraged. Remember to each day take some time for yourself to collect you thoughts and regroup. Take all the help that is offered, ask for more, and make sure you have other things in your life also. Even if that's a favorite T.V. program just for you that you didn't miss. Bless you and remember, I am here if you just need to talk.
@sid556 (30989)
• United States
21 May 09
You are doing well. I don't have a spouse but if I did and he were disabled, I'd be the same, I'm sure. I did take care of my mom full time before she passed and I do understand how difficult it can be at time. hang in there.