Is it okay to marry someone that you do not love??

@leyisa (487)
Canada
June 17, 2009 11:54am CST
My friends - Hi. I have a good friend of mine is getting married next week. she has been with her boyfriend for many many years - I think it's almost 10. Anyhow, they have a great relationshiop, have been together for so long and have kids together they decided they may as well get married. The problem is that my friend has told me on a number of occasions that she is not inlove with her soon-to-be husband anymore. She loves him, but she is no longer in love with him. When I ask her why she is still getting married, she says that it's b/c they've been together for so long, they are the best of friends and they are compatible...Even though she does not love him, she feels that the compatibality will be enough to make it a happy marriage....So tell me my friends, do you think compatibility alone is the key to a good marriage? If you do not love the person, will you still marry them b/c you get along well?
3 people like this
22 responses
@carolbee (16231)
• United States
17 Jun 09
Nope, I wouldn't marry someone without being in love. Just being compatable is not always the solution. Too many things involved which make a good marriage. We've been married 40 years, last weekend, and for the most part happy. Had some rocky times but think all couples do throughout a marriage. I've had to learn patience with my husband when it comes to being involved with sports. He coaches softball and travels quite a bit throughout the summer. I wish your friend much success with her marriage.
@leyisa (487)
• Canada
17 Jun 09
Hi my friend - yes, some rocky times are fairly normal in a marriage...I agree with you that compatibility is not enough. My hubby and I are compatible but if I did not love him, I would not have married him. I am somewhat hesitant to give my friend advice on this as I don't want to tell her what to do...however, i'm somewhat worried that this marriage will not last if only based on compatiblity and comfort..
@carolbee (16231)
• United States
17 Jun 09
If this was a friend of mine, I would offer my opinion and that would be the end. If your friend is determined to marry her boyfriend, she might not listen anyway.
• Philippines
18 Jun 09
Oh my Goodness, Getting along for 10 years means that there was love between them. Maybe the reason she is telling you that she doesn't love him anymore,but you get along well is that they are too comfortable with each other that and they find little time to make their union excitement. I myself have spent almost 9 years before we got married. I knew my gf who becomes my wife so well that by I can read her thought by merely looking at her. I guess compatibility is one of the key for a successful marriage.
@leyisa (487)
• Canada
18 Jun 09
Hi my friend - Exactly! they have begun to get too comfortable with eachother and the excitement of the union is gone. I too was with my husband for 6 years before we got married...we now finish each others sentences..it's sick..hahah....
@jbrooks0127 (2326)
• United States
18 Jun 09
It all depends on what her definition of "in love" is. It sounds like she loves him as a friend but her 'in love' may mean she is no longer infatuated with him. She is about where most women are after 9 years of marriage. Compatibility is extremely important in a marriage and being good friends is even more important. So if she did not get married to this man but then found someone that really turned her on would that make a better marriage partner. Maybe for awhile but it is not enough for a long term relationship. Of course if she truly does not love him then she is foolish to consider marriage. It is hard enough with someone you really love let alone someone you don't.
@leyisa (487)
• Canada
18 Jun 09
Hi my friend - I agree with you that compatibility is an important component in a good marriage, as is being good friends. He is a great person and great father. I also feel as though if she hooks up with some other guy, it may be fun but in the end, he will end up being a jerk.
• United States
18 Jun 09
Hi there leyisa I feel this way about this. If she care enough for him to stay for 10 years and keep the relationship going plus they have kids together to me there has to be some kinda of love there. The reason I say this I could not stay with someone just because we are friends. I mean to me this is what love is all about caring, having kids, living together, being there for each other, these are all quailities of love. SO to me there has to be some kinda of love there because that is what love is all about. Take care and happy mylotting to you.
@leyisa (487)
• Canada
18 Jun 09
Hi my friend - thank you for your comment. There is definetly some kind of love there between the two of them - I think she worries that the spark is gone - ofcourse, during any marriage or even long term relationship, after a while, the spark begins to diminish - however, hopefully it will never go away or else what's the point of being married. In her case, the relationship seems to have gotten stale...however, the wedding is all planned, etc...Don't get me wrong - she is NOT unhappy with him.....but she isn't as happy or excited about him as she used to be...
• Brazil
18 Jun 09
some people think that marriage is an investiment. Marriage is a bond an exchange of affections, feelings.
• United States
18 Jun 09
You know you are right, affection, feelings and a bond is what being married is all about. Money is nothing and will not bring any kind of happiness. Thanks for letting this be known as well. Happy mylotting too.
• United States
17 Jun 09
In my opinion, no one should EVER get married if they did not love the other person. There is so much that you have to put into a marriage to make it a long and happy one, that if you enter it for the wrong reasons the end result is divorce. You mention they have kids together. People these days use the 'we have kids' card as a reason to tie the knot. Just because you have kids with that person is NOT a reason to get married. Marriage is A LOT of work and a lot of stress, but it's also a beautiful thing if your marrying for the right reasons. Regardless of the years they've been together, divorce is just too expensive to just marry someone for the heck of it! I guess the only thing you can do as a friend is voice your opinion. I'm guessing the guy is madly in love with her? If that's the case strongly advise her against going through with this. If it happens and WHEN they do get divorced it is going to destroy that man and any good friendship they may have now will be wasted.
@leyisa (487)
• Canada
18 Jun 09
I agree with you - there are many people who have kids together who are no longer on a relationship...yes, the guy is madly inlove with her (from what I can tell)....I will talk to her b/c I think it will be harder for the kids in the future to see their parents get divorced as opposed to not getting married to begin with....
@cripfemme (7713)
• United States
17 Jun 09
In my opinion, no. I wouldn't marry someone that I didn't love even if I loved them as a friend. There's more to marriage than that. I know that your friend and husband are going to hit a bad patch unless he decides that she does love him and I don't wish that on anybody. If she were my friend, I would ask her what she was thinking. Is she desperate or afraid of becoming a spinster? Those are the only two reasons anyone would marry someone they don't love. Although, my assistant suggested a bunch of other ones as she was helping me type this but no of those are acceptable either in my opinion. This is the sort of thing you simply shouldn't do.
@leyisa (487)
• Canada
18 Jun 09
my friend - thank you for your comment. I get the feeling that its a combination of family pressure and not wanting to be alone.both families want them to get married b/c they have been together for such along time - and on the other hand, since s he has been with him 4 so many years, IO think she wouldn't know what to do with herself without him...
@spalladino (17922)
• United States
17 Jun 09
The idea that love remains the same throughout the life of a relationship is wrong. In the early stages love is strong...butterflies in your stomach...romance and all that goes with it...but no one can keep that up forever. Eventually a couple progresses to the point where they feel love for each other...but not that "in love" spark anymore. That has been replaced by being close companions, best friends and someone the other person can depend on. I have known too many people who have left good relationships in search of the "in love" spark that will last. It doesn't...it's not supposed to.
@leyisa (487)
• Canada
17 Jun 09
True - I agree with you that love changes throughout the course of a relationship...however, I would hope that the relationship never gets to a point where you are no longer inlove with the person...Although companionship and friendship is great in a marriage, love should also be there. Ofcourse, on the flip side, there are people who enter into arranged marriages and do not love eachother before hand and yet they seem to have happy marriages....i guess it depends on the situation :)
• United States
17 Jun 09
What's the point of marrying someone if you don't love them? To me for your friend to say they're getting married because they've been together for so long, they have kids, however, there is no love? Love is the element that keeps two together. I definitely wouldn't marry someone if they didn't love me. You said your friend said she loves him, but is not in love with him. The question is why does she love him still? There's no happiness involved for one. If she's not in love with him, she no longer cares or has any affection to him. They are no longer intimate together. And to say if they do have their wedding to say, it would only be an act of deceit since love isn't involved. Therefore, without love, there is no such thing as a happy or good marriage. It will only be a paper marriage in the making.
@leyisa (487)
• Canada
17 Jun 09
Hi my friend - From what I understand, it appears that she does love him..However, she is not inlove with him....She loves him the way you would love a very very good friend...They are still intimite together, however it seems as though they are just goign through the motions. I also feel as though there is a lot of family pressure - parents on both ends pushing them to get married after so long and all her friends pushing her b/c it's "the next step". I thinkg that she feels that this is the logical next step for her. I agree with you 100% - A marriage cannot survive without love.....
@kingxu (44)
• China
18 Jun 09
Love is the key to a good marriage,and marriage without real love can't be long.To marry a man she does not love is unwise,but your friend's situation is quite complicated, she has been with the man for ten years long,and what is most important is that they have had kids together,so your friend have no choice but to marry the man.Hope in future your friend will fall in love with the man.
@subha12 (18452)
• India
18 Jun 09
It is something only the person doing so can judge. sometimes there are other commitments. May be the children together or so. But love is eternal. It can come in any way.
@reckon21 (3484)
• Philippines
18 Jun 09
I don't think so. In your friends case I'm sure she love him before when the relationship is still at early stage. Somehow along the way the love start to fade. Maybe she just want her children to have a happy normal family and she is willing to get married to someone she no longer love. Sad story...
@jazel_juan (15753)
• Philippines
18 Jun 09
for me? nope its not ok..lol i cannot imagine myself loving someone whom i do not love, i cannot imagine yself hugging someone i do not love or taking care of someone i do not love. i married because i love that person and not because i have been with that person for a long time, though it plays a big factor yet it is not the main factor..love is the center of marriage and though many factors play..it is a must, well for me that is.
• Malaysia
18 Jun 09
I would definitely say that I eill not marry to a person that I don't. First of all, this is very unfair to him, and also I am lying to him if I were to marry him. And when time goes by, there'll be a lot of problems exist and in the end, this will not be a last long marriage. For me, I must married with somebody who love me and I also love him as much as he do.
18 Jun 09
omg thats the dumbest question ever...marriage is a sacred bond. you dont mess with that kinda stuff.
• Philippines
18 Jun 09
Oh, that is not a good reason to get married.. There are couples who are made just be broken.. but, if they will try to rekindle their relationship, then I think that she might fall in love again to her soon to be husband..
@btt2005 (162)
• India
18 Jun 09
Without marrying they have loved for 10 years and have kids. Then what for they are marrying now. If it is 10 years of married life then also the love might have been reduced to the present level. So let them marry now. It is not good for going more relationships/partners in one's life. We are not animals. One man one woman, that is good. Do not behave like animals.
@schulzie (4064)
• United States
18 Jun 09
I don't know if it is or it isn't. I think that it is something that is up to that particular couple. I have often heard that it is better to start out as friends and then grow into the romantic relationship. I think that is true too. I think maybe with your friend's situation is that she is comfortable with him now and that is why she thinks she is not "in love" still. Have a great day and happy myLotting!!!
@alindahaw (1219)
• Philippines
18 Jun 09
I think that your friend love her long time boyfriend or she will not stay with him that long. Yes, the passion may have subsided somehow but that does not mean that she is no longer in love with him. A lot of people have this illusion that love ought to be very passionate and all but the truth is, love has many ways of manifesting itself. Having a good relationship is something that your friend should cherish.
@lingli_78 (12836)
• Australia
17 Jun 09
i don't think so and i don't want to do it... why would i want to marry a person that i don't love??? i think it is just silly and it will make me miserable... compatibility is definitely not enough a reason for getting married... there are lots of other things to consider as well and one of them is love... a marriage based on no love won't stand the test of time and it won't last long... that's what i think... take care and have a nice day...