Am I Over Reacting??...I need all the help I can get!!!! SERIOUSLY!

United States
June 26, 2009 2:12pm CST
Ok my Fiance and I have been engaged for almost a year and will be married in November. We have resently bought a home for the three of us. Myself, My Son, and My Fiance. Well this is where the trouble started, I've heard other people say "after I Do a man thinks he owns you" well before buying our home things were pretty near perfect never a fight only miner disagreements that were discussed and talk through, never harsh words or loud voices. Since buying our home he has become more harsh, aggressive, we fight over stupid small things that normally wouldn't matter. He seems to disregard me and doesn't include me as far as finances, out of town work schedules, simple "how was your day honey" things... we don't talk anymore. We have always prided ourselves for how strong we are together and how happy we are just being together. But this morning pushed too far... Three days ago he was texting his buddy which he doesn't text that often so of course I asked "who ya texting babe?" He replied his friends name and said they were talking about maybe trying to get Tool concert tickets. I said oh ok and didn't think about it again till this morning when he recieved a text message from his buddy asking if my fiance could re-emberse him the money for the ticket to the concert because he bought them all together for seating purposes. I asked my Fiance when the concert was and he told me August in San Antonio, Texas. I told him to get the dates so I could get a sitter lined up and he replied "I only got me a ticket.!.! " Totally stund I came un-glued!! Not only did he not discuss this purchase with me (which I am barrowing money from my parents to pay our electric bill because he was sick and didn't work for a week!!!) on top of that he doesn't include me like I'm not aloud to go so he shouldn't bother discussing this with me, and lets not for get that we live 5 hours away so he will be going with 5 other men who are all SINGLE but they will have to get a hotel room and stay the night!! That's just not cool with me!! I am pretty laid back when it comes to him hanging out with guys, a few cold ones after work that's fine with me and I do totally trust him as far as cheating this has nothing to do with trust it is the fact that we are scraping by and I feel like he is thinking heck yeah she's getting money from her parents so I can blow the money that we still don't have and on top of that totally disregards me and doesn't include me!! I threw a fit and told him how I feel about it. Am I Over Reacting?? HELP!! Our Future is Depending On It!!
5 people like this
16 responses
@OConnell87 (1045)
26 Jun 09
if he is like this now, as soon as you get married he will be worse and the thing is once married its harder to leave, i wouldn't marry him..give him an ultimatium either he changes or your gone
4 people like this
27 Jun 09
I agree. He either has to change completely or he will just continue and get worse.
2 people like this
• United States
26 Jun 09
Run, Run, Run for your life! You will be sorry if you marry him, for sure. That's not the way to treat your fiancee' and the person who supposedly love you and wants to marry you. He's going to get worse, especially since he's showing you this side of him now. Is the house in both your names? He just sounds like he still wants to be free and single and just go and have a fun time no matter what the consequences. I mean the LEAST he could have done, was asked you if you minded him going. Even that though I think is lousy, but at least he would have asked. And how is he going to pay for the ticket? No way, no how, I'd be gone. It's only going to get worse.
3 people like this
• United States
26 Jun 09
Yes it is in both of our names... I just don't know... where do I go from here??
2 people like this
• United States
26 Jun 09
Did you put money in towards it? Like alot of money?, or is it in just both names? I don't know what to tell you as far as "where do I go from here". All I can tell you is "Do you want to live like this all your life"? You said he's changed since you bought the house, well, some people cannot handle the pressure of responsibility, and that's exactly what a house is. Plus you, and your son. It's something that should have been thought through maybe a little more and if this is the outcome already for such a short time, I just don't see it getting better for you. And I don't want to see you stuck your whole life. This is your decision to think about.
• United States
27 Jun 09
Thank you TongueInCheek! I've been married a couple of times but never did they act like this BEFORE we were married. I just think it's going to get worse and I feel bad for this young lady and the child. You could almost see what's going to happen before it does unfortunately. Some guys just don't fair well with responsibility and that's what he sounds like to me. I want to get married but still be single is the jest I get out of all this. So sad.
2 people like this
@SomeCowgirl (32255)
• United States
26 Jun 09
To me it sounds as if he wanted to have a guys night out, or weekend out or whatever time the concert is, and thought you had assumed that that was the case because of you asking and not saying anything else. Either that or maybe he feels that he wants to see them and you wouldn't want to. Or even so far as to say he wants to go but knows that money is tight so didn't ask you to go. He may feel more laid back about the money then you. I think the first thing to do is to sit down and talk to him about the way you feel. Tell him you were hurt about him going and yet your not being invited, and tell him that your worried about the money. How do you feel your parents will react if they knew he was going to a concert? On a side note in regards to your statement about "after 'I do' the man thinks he owns you". I don't think that that statement is completely true. I think communication and open communication is the key to happiness. I know that my fiance and I have had a lot of disagreements because of mis-communication and we try to work that out, and we do work the things out that we need to. We work on a this book we call "our workbook", it's christian material. If your interested just tell me and I'll tell you about the book and who it's by. If not, well that's fine too. Have a wonderful day and I hope you get this all worked out. Congratulations on your engagement! We're getting married in September.
3 people like this
• United States
26 Jun 09
Thank you for the positive feed back... I am not a man hater at all I am the only girl out of 9 kids so I have always been one of the guys and very loyal when it comes down to it. But my hunny has changed some what since we bought our house which is understandable we are both stressed but he is over stressed, my son is 5yrs old so I have been a parent for some time and have plenty of practice but he on the other hand is new to this. He has taken on alot and his life has changed drastically over the past year so I do take this all into acount when I say this. He has been crazy scared that we are gonna have enough money to make it. Its our 1st electric bill, which we haven't even recieved yet and have no idea how much its gonna cost yet he has pushed me into asking my parents for $400 just in case its really high. Our house is old and not energy efficant at all. Then he spends this like its nothing no big deal!! And then springs on me that its in San Antonio which is 5 hrs away from us.
3 people like this
@SomeCowgirl (32255)
• United States
27 Jun 09
Oh I never thought you were a man hater. I'm sure things will ease up once you get used to the bills and you'll be able to figure out how to manage the money easier. It's just new to him, everything that's new is scary at first. You sound like you really do appreciate him and understand though.
1 person likes this
@robert19ph (4584)
• Philippines
27 Jun 09
hello allinlove09, In my own opinion, you must be thankful that he is acting that way that you're still engage and about to be married. What I meant is, for as early as now you discovered his real color and intention to you. Seems to me that he is only up to something. Maybe he loves you but he loves you in some other way. Before tying the knot come November, I think you need to think a million times before it's too late. I guess, there is somebody out there better than him. He doesn't deserves your love.
@kerriannc (4280)
• Jamaica
27 Jun 09
Don't marry him give him one of the rooms and let him know that it is over. He is not the child's father and so you need not to pressurized yourself. He is irresponsible and he will not change. That was not about any buddy either he has his agenda and so now that you have both the house together he believes that all is well and he can do anything he wants. He is disrespectful him. Stop slaving for him and let him know that it is over but you will share the house. He lives in one part and you in one. I know that Love is not an easy thing to forget but start doing it now. The next thing you know after marriage he starts sleeping out and doing things that are not right in the eyes of man and God and always remember you need a good father figure around your son.
3 people like this
@underdogtoo (9591)
• Philippines
26 Jun 09
All I know about life is that it thrives on imbalance. If everything were in constant equilibrium then the universe would probably decay. Some days are perfect and suddenly, something comes along to change the balance. Work then needs to be done to bring back some kind of ideal normalcy until the next destabilizing thing or event comes. This would tend to make our lives more interesting.
3 people like this
• United States
26 Jun 09
There may be warning signs or there may be adjustment conflicts I know when someone is upset about something everything can appear in a different manner than when we are calm so I suggest don't do anything until you have had time to calm down and consider all the facts. Maybe right out a list on each side put down different sides of it maybe ways he has changed for the better for the worse do the same for you perhaps you are seeing things differently for maybe this is a huge step for you also I mean there is so much more riding on this than a house you have that a marriage but then also your kids life I am not trying to freak you out but what I am saying these things could be weighing on your mind in ways you are not even clear on and this can alter the way we percieve things I am not saying he is in the wrong if you have a problem then I have to say you both have a problem if he or you are unable or unwilling to work on it to discuss it and come to an understanding then yes if you can not move through it the worst thing would be ignore it and more forward then figure out a way to move on but if you both have the desire to work through it then do that a marriage involves much more work than buying a house now comes the hard part it is up to you guys where you take it
3 people like this
@clutterbug (1051)
• United States
26 Jun 09
Hi, I would definitely take the 'hotel stay' as a red flag, as something similar to this happened to me many years ago. My guy at the time wasn't "cheating" in his mind, but I later found out that he and his buddies were watching dirty movies in the room. I was disgusted, because to me, that is cheating. I hate to say it, but when someone really loves you, you will know it beyond a doubt. Feeling uneasy is a sign. I don't think you are over reacting at all. If he still wants to be single, he shouldn't hold you in a position like this. I sometimes listen to Dave Ramsey, the financial guru, and I've heard him tell people to not buy anything big (like a house) together until marriage. I hope all works out for you. Just keep your eyes peeled.
3 people like this
• India
26 Jun 09
figure out a good time and talk to him about the recent developments in your relationship. make sure you do not sound like you are complaining. see if there is something which is bothering him and try to see things from his perspective. then, you can take a call. to think about leaving him would be thinking negatively. you should be giving both of you'll a good chance of making it.
@elitess (5071)
• Ipswich, England
26 Jun 09
Hi there. I read you post and thought at the situation. I don't know what he was thinking but no matter what was on his head (even a night with the guys) he dealt with the matter in the wrong way not telling you anything about it. I can't tell you what to do, but i advise on trying to get a better communication going with your guy, or else your marriage won't be to great. A good communication will help no matter in what direction...
3 people like this
• United States
27 Jun 09
Why don't you test him. Plan a night out with your girl friends. See what his response is. Maybe he just wanted a night out with the guys. I agree he should be more responsable with money. But see how he reacts if you were to do the same thing. In this I think you will find out if yall are equals in his eyes. I really hope everything works out for you.
2 people like this
• United States
28 Jun 09
Do not play head games with the guy!!!! That is so immature.
• Indonesia
27 Jun 09
I am or anybody else don't have any capabilty to make judgement. To summarize and conclude just base on story (even both sides, or more sides) still won't make us eligible to decide or pushing you to choose between limited options. So, i think i'll share my own experience like yours, only that i am the man. We're just got married.. move in to our own home (3 days -4 nights driving from our familiar neighborhood), an old cheap house, abondoned for quiet long. A month after, i started to yell at her, throwing things (but not at her.. and yes, oftenly we fight over "where is my coffee.. you bought a month stock of sugar and yet my coffee is bitter.. yes, the shop attendant is a girl, i told you i went there to buy a screwdriver.. yes there are other shops... i told u i need it to fix our coffe-machine.. what u mean it's not broken, you're the one who's been complaining about it... etc")..we both started to think that this won't work, this won't last... then she started to share, talked to people.. then, she move-out, went back to my mother-inlaw.. In 8 years we've been through this over and over.. We gain a lot from each of it.. we realize now that those stupid-useless things that starting the fight are worth a family.. we understand now that what happened was.. we're not prepared for changes... we were shocked.. married,moving and living together are big changes.. and yet we still expecting or demanding something should'nt have to change.. That's selfish and useless.. because in every change everything on it are changing too.. And,we cannot be well-prepared for changes.. we are entering a new world that are created by us and only for us and nobody has ever been there.. not even a couple who's just celebrating their hundreds years of marriage or someone who has been in marriage hundreds time.. because they were living their own world of marriage and gain knowledge from their own world that they've walked through. We just need to understand that things have changed and things will always change... that we're the one who's making the change... and to live through it, both need to accept it.. That are what me and my wife can summarize from what we have been through.. to inspire you to identified what is going on, what's causing it, how to work it-out, and else.. Take care..
@skysuccess (8880)
• Singapore
27 Jun 09
allinlove09, I believe this is where it is as real as it can get here. I think a lot of times we hasten our thoughts and expectations that the other party will be looking out for us and that problems within will remain minor always. Well, let's not forget that it will those big problems, issues and arguments where people will really learn and grow from. I am sure you are aware of the terms like Make or Break or Swim or Sink. I feel that the intense difference here being the lack of mutual understanding and false expectations. We need to realize that before we can really be truly mutual and well co-ordinate, there must be painstaking efforts. It is like choreographing a dance where partners will have to work for hours and even years to perfect the seamless co-ordination and moves on the dance floor. Making it a flawless performance, so similar to your relationship life, going back to the basics, beginning and drawing board are no unfamiliar to any successful relationship. None of us are born perfect and certainly mutual for one another. We just have to work with an extra heart and effort towards mutuality. Your man, may have committed insensitive mistakes and poor with his wealth management but who is perfect in these areas. However, reacting in the spur of the heat isn't going anywhere either. I mean where is your resourcefulness, your charming and flirty where it will get him on his knees. So, attitude is really important here. I just feel that there are times where we will come to a stage where we just need to retreat to our own corners to cool down, reflect and come up with better solutions for the problems between the both of you. Do what you need to ensure that your message reaches the other end, have it in writing and then call for a personal session without any distraction to let the both of you speak your minds out. Look at how the both of you can resolve the current real problems which is affecting the both of you and the relationship. If it is finances, then so be more astute with one's wealth and finance management - speak your mind here, when he should feel guilty for being spendthrift without considering for the family and have the cheek to let you ask for money from your parents for some utility bills. If it is some habits, then see if there are any concrete ways to overcome or bear with it like spending wisely and not commit rashly to some overgrown peer pressure. So, what if it is a front seat ticket of a Tool's concert when you can ill afford, his friend is just a marvel too, to be asking for a reimburse at such a time, as if your man does not have the integrity or credibility to pay him back. What a friend huh? I tell you, if I have this proposition, I would not hesitate to ask that friend to look for another partner. The concert is not as if it will be the last performance that it can be more important than a happy and well family. The both of you just need to evolve (slow to temper at your end and more common sense at the other end) and resolve to change for the future of this relationship. Cast it in stone if there's a need as relationships should only get better when the both of you are working and striving to be better with yourselves. I hope that the both of you will be able to work things out and I just look forward to your wedding in November. P.S. Ask him not to reimburse his friend so soon, if his friend cannot accept it, have him sell it to someone else. Egos and front seat tickets aside, he can think and have less of such a friend. Sorry, I just cannot stand people downtrodding people who are downtrodden. It is just me, hope you understand.
@lynnemg (4536)
• United States
26 Jun 09
I do not blame you one bit for your reaction. Mine would have probably been the same. I am married and if my husband did something like that I would b livid. The fact that he didn't even discuss this with you is what bothers me the most. If he wanted to go that far away for a concert with the guys, I think that he should have talked to you about it before making the decision on his own. I am sure that had he talked about it with you, you would be a lot calmer about it, although still upset that he wants to go without you. I think that you should sit him down, tell him exactly how you feel and why, without being accussitory (that will just put him on the defensive and make it worse). Maybe he has a valid explaination, maybe not. Before you make any rash decisions, talk it out. Make your final decisions from there. If you are already struggling financially, I think that it is pretty irresponsible of him to spend money on a concert, and even more irresponsible of him to do about it all the way he has. Will things get better after marriage? Really, that all depends on how well you can put your foot down with him. If you don't set boundaries now, there will me more problems later. For example, my husband is not responsible with money at al. If he has it in his pocket, he is going to spend it no matter what. For that reason, I made sure that he understood in the very beginning of our marriage that I expect him to allow me to pay the bills before anything else is bought. I also made it clear that I will not be solely responsible for making the money to pay the bills. In other words, I am not going to support him as long as he is perfectly capable of working too. Just these few things have made a huge difference for us. We discuss things before either of us spend any money, and the bills are always paid first.
2 people like this
@piya84 (2590)
• India
27 Jun 09
you people dont have money to pay electricity bills and you both are going to marry??Are you kidding??When we borrow money from someone else ,its expected to spend it on urgent needs and not on "guys night out".This shows how careless he is in handling expenses. Other thing ,if he is not ready to tell you about his plans ,this shows he is not ready for relationship/marriage.He want to live careless life like other SINGLE men.It is expected to be transparent and ask another half before taking any decision when you are in relationship.
• United States
28 Jun 09
I agree. He is functioning in a "single" mode. When people are married or preparing to marry, they should be functioning as a "team" or in a "partner" mode of some kind. I would not marry this guy until he understands what is expected in a marital relationship.
@royal52gens (5380)
• United States
28 Jun 09
Between now and November, If I were you, I would be discussing this situation in detail. I would even be having the discussions with a counselor or pastor present. A third party can help guide us both through the conversation so it can be productive and not a big fight. I would NOT pay for the ticket. I would let him figure out where he is going to get the money to pay his friend back. If questioned about not paying for the ticket, I would simply state, "You did not discuss it with me. I am not paying for you to go to a concert when the household bills are not paid". Then do not discuss the situation any further without a counselor present.
• United States
28 Jun 09
Note: How can you afford to get married if you are having difficulty paying the daily household bills?? That just does not make sense. Weddings cost big money. Another Note: When dealing with a difficult situation, there are two things you can do. One is: Put your emotions and feelings to the side. Deal with the situation with a clear head. This is a business situation, not an emotional one. The second thing is: Do not "react" to situations. Stop, breathe, think and then ACT. This method will help you to not overreact to situations. Take some time for yourself. Think about what has happened, how it makes you feel, what you want to do about it, what is in the best interest for you and your child. Then make decisions accordingly. You might be surprised to find yourself changing your course of action. It might not be in your best interest to marry this person. You have choices. You are not married and you are not locked in. You have the option to change your mind on this matter. Consult with others to make sure you are seeing things clearly. You do not have to do things without the advice and consult of experts.