I just can't figure him out?

Philippines
July 9, 2009 10:00am CST
My boyfriend and I have been together for couple of years now, 10 years. We have a daughter, we own a condo together, everything is together, bank accounts and some stuffs that a legal husband and wife shares. But he seems in no rush to get married. He knows it's important to me. He knows I want it, when I bring it up. It's one of two answers, "it's going to happen" or he says nothing then later says he feels like I am pushing him. Last Valentine's Day he said he wanted to propose, but had no reason on why he didn't. He'll call me his wife or his fiance, but I am still just his girl friend. Can anyone tell me on what the heck am I missing?
6 people like this
25 responses
@dawnald (84206)
• Shingle Springs, California
10 Jul 09
Find a non confrontational way to ask him. Could be he doesn't think the formal marriage thing is important and he just doesn't want to come straight out and say so. Could be a lot of things. But here's what I'm wondering. Is the marriage important enough to you that you would leave him if it doesn't eventually happen? You two are not communicating. And communicating with him clearly about what you do and don't want and by when, and his response, should tell you what you need to know.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
10 Jul 09
As I've just said on my previous comment, this is the hard part for me. I'm really weak when it comes to this. I'm scared that he'll think that I pressure him a lot. I know it's been years but I just can't find strength to push him with it.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84206)
• Shingle Springs, California
10 Jul 09
I'm really weak about things like that too. But it's been years and years. How many years does it have to be before "pressure" turns into a reasonable request. I think he's playing games with your head by saying that and making you fearful to bring it up. But other than this one thing, is everything good with the relationship?
• United States
9 Jul 09
FIRST of all i gotta say....be careful what you wish for....you just might get it... I lived with my husband for almost 11 years before we got married.....it was the same as you describe.....he even told his whole family a couple of time we were getting married and then it just never happened....I was like you wonder what the heck was the problem....and i still am not sure what it was except that possible when you are already doing everything a married couple does then why bother with paperwork? lol But anyway and this sounds cliche i know but after ten years i just stopped caring if we got married or not....didnt mention it any more it just really didnt matter to me though at that point it wasnt a strtegy i just figured it didnt really matter if we got married or not....its just a piece of paper and after 7 years you are considered legally married anyway....and then one day he just takes me to a jewelry store and say lets get married and we got our rings and got married about a month later...... And though we are fairly happy toghether i sometimes kinda wish i jadnt gotten married.....not that i dont want to be with him or anything like that but that piece of legal paper between us now binds us together not only romantically but every other way too....for instance any bills one of you runs up belong to both of you etc.....not so if you are not married..... But anyway...i think if you stop talking about it alltogether for a while he will probably get concerned as to why you dont want to get married any more and decide he does...lol
1 person likes this
• Philippines
10 Jul 09
He just once told me that getting married is just like signing papers, he told me before that we don't need it as he will never leave us, sort of like that. But, ya know, eventhough I feel secured by his love, I do still feel empty without marriage. Most of my friends who have their own kids have been married, I feel like i'm a Loser.
• United States
12 Jul 09
Oh no no no....you are NOT a loser.....men ...all men....will drag their feet as long as they can get away with it......its definately him not you...... but as long as he knows you want to get married to him that is enough security for him.....once you stop mentioning it altoghether ....he will start to wonder why you havent mentioned it in a while and do you still want to be with him and maybe he should ask you to marry him before you get some idea to leave him or something......lol....it takes a little while of not mentioning it....he wont figure it out in a week....but just stop acting like you want to get married at all.....even maybe mention to one of your girlfriends sometime when you know he can overhear you that you really dont care that much about marrying him any more.....if he loves you and wants to stay with you he will ask you to marry him..... men kind of view marriage as a trap....they kind of need it to be their idea or they arent comfortable....
• Philippines
9 Jul 09
Oh my, your a complete family as I might say but it wasn't sanctified through marriage so you are still not considered a legal wife, nor does your daughter. In any which way, your union is not legalize. Sorry to hear this but, i am fearing that something is really wrong with your guy. Ten years??? who would not want to be secured. You are a female and definitely you would need support, but if not married, what law should you hold on to, is he hiding you something? is there another family or what? i don't get it really why you have agreed to continue for 10 years without getting married, be it in court or civil. You better make up your mind, what will happen to your kid? is she using your surname or her dad's? No need to rush??? it's been ten years, what is he waiting for? the end of age? girl, think well, whyyy is he not doing this, what does your parents say? aren't they concern too? sad to say but you are living outside the will of God. I have nothing against you, i respect your opinion as I do have mine too.
• Philippines
10 Jul 09
Well my parents are always asking me on when are we planning to get married. I try to linger the topic when it comes to marriage though because I feel like i'm a loser when it comes to that thing. But i sometimes told my parents that we are still saving for the right time to come. I really don't know but I'm starting to feel numb when I'm being asked on when's gonna be our marriage.
@frogers (10)
9 Jul 09
Is yours a state that recognizes common law marriages? If not, I would start separating all the together stuff. If he doesn't want to be husband and wife and the state doesn't recognize you as husband and wife, then you may be in a financial pickle. Speaking from personal experience, you are taking a big risk having everytihng joined to a man that does not want to be legally bound to you. Maybe he will propose, maybe you will be together forever, but I still think you are taking a big risk allowing him access to everything. Ten years is a long time to sit by patiently waiting for a man to make up his mind. Ten years plus a child is even longer. You either have tremendous patience or tremendous trust where this man is concerned.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
10 Jul 09
You know, I really didn't think negatively in sharing our properties and other accounts. There are those times that he doesn't have his own money that's why I need to support him and I didn't care if he would just use me for money but he actually didn't. I didn't feel that way, because I felt love and passion. Although today, that I'm jobless and all, he still continues to support me on whatever what we're going through and I really admire him for that, because I keep on asking some stuffs and he won't hesitate me to give those even if I can't raise much money right now.
• India
9 Jul 09
hi 1st of all keep patience. it is only you who can make him believe that you are everything for him. it is the love which is missing in your relation. your know the reason and you have the answer with you."attitude" very powerful this word is.
@tjades (3591)
• Jamaica
9 Jul 09
I dont think you are missing anything. Its just the odd way of men. I have close friends who will admit that tney just werent ready to get married whenthey did. They were pressured into it by their fiance, the church, family ect... I guess your main concern should be if he loves you and is committed to the relationship. Once he decides he wants to spend his life with you and is committed to his family he's unikely to hurt you and the marriage is less likely to end in divorce unless something bad really happens. To be honest, thats how I feel now. Maybe another time I'll feel otherwise.
1 person likes this
@vokey9472 (1488)
• United States
10 Jul 09
i know it has been said before, but why should he marry you? the two of you already live together, have a child together and share everything as a married couple would. he has all the benefits fo marriage without the legalities of marriage. you need to tell him that he needs to marry you or get out. you have been together long enough for him to KNOW whether or not he wants to spend the rest of his life with you. right now, if he left, you would have no legal recourse. especially if you live in a state that does not recognize common law marriage. if he decided to stop paying on the condo or the credit cards, guess who gets held responsible? you. if he does not want to pay child support, guess who has to go through the hassle of proving he is the father and taking him to court to get child support? you. tell him it is time. either he loves you and your daughter enough to make it legal by marrying you or he doesn't. better to find out now before any more of your life passes you by.
• Philippines
10 Jul 09
As much as I want to do this, I just can't. I'm weak when it comes to pressuring him with his own decisions. I'm still trying to hope that I'd still have patience if ever we'll be arguing with this.
• Philippines
10 Jul 09
It seems that your partner wants a long term relationship without marriage. My bf also wants the same arrangement. He was traumatized of the divorce of his parents when he was younger so he prefers also the same thing. His younger brother is at that kind of arrangement too, he lives with his gf together and they have bought a house together, they will have a baby soon. I tend to agree with it because I am also afraid of marriage because of the failed marriages of my parents and my brother though I want a long term relationship and a family with my bf as well. I think you should talk to him and let him speak put his feelings towards marriage.
• Philippines
10 Jul 09
typographical error-- let him speak out his feelings towards marriage.
• United States
10 Jul 09
You are missing nothing except a man who wants to marry you.I assume he loves you and your daughter. He doesn't have a problem sharing finances but he must have a fear of marriage or at least a bad feeling. Me,I never want to marry someone I love.Nut I will tell him.So if he Has to marry then we can part.I get the feeling that he will marry you but it will be to keep you or make you happy. It isn't in his heart like it seems to be in yours. I fear he will marry you but then he may feel trapped and will lash out.The best thing to do is to think ,do you want to marry or do you want to be with him.You may not be able to have both. When you know in your heart what you Really want, then sit him down and talk it out.I wish you happiness.Take Care.
• United States
10 Jul 09
Well I'm kinda in the same boat... me and my man have been engaged for 8 years. I think they don't want to label the relationship in a big way. He tells me marrage is a sham and we do the same things and he doesn't see the big deal. Mostly I know he doesn't want to ruin a good thing he thinks marrage will change us for the worst not better. I hope this might give you insite to your man. Good luck.
• Philippines
10 Jul 09
when i first read your thread i felt pity and confused. pity because of your situation and confused why in that status his still not into pushing marriage between the two of you. all i know about guys is they will not put there self into something that they are not ready for. Once and for all 10 years is too painful to absorb that your still his gf and not a wife. talk to him. but if he doesn't give a certain answer. you have to start to go out to that relationship. dont waste your time with that kind of man
@albert2412 (1782)
• United States
10 Jul 09
Here in Texas , if you sign a motel register as "mr and Mrs" or say someone is your wife then you are married by the common law. He would have to get a divorce to leave you.
• Indonesia
10 Jul 09
you must be patient with that condition,, don't hope anything if he don't hope it.. i believe you can solve that problem
@andy77e (5161)
• United States
10 Jul 09
What you are missing is, he has no reason to. Why should he make a public specific commitment? Why should he go on record as saying you are his one and only? See right now, the door is still open. If he ever decides to leave, he can, and he won't even feel bad because he never made a promise not to. See, he's already got you in his bed. He's already had you for 10 years. He's already got the home and the kids. He's already got everything you have to offer him. So why close off the door? Why seal the exit door? Why should he marry you when he's already got you? Why get the law involved? That would make it harder if he chooses to leave sometime. See, if he leaves right now, since you are not married, he could just not pay for the condo, or take all the money out of the bank, and you are pretty well screwed. If you marry, you can legal separate those assets, and he'll have to own up to his debt, and have to share the money. Now why would he want to make that commitment when... he's already got you? Sorry to bring bad news. I do hope everything works out. Hopefully your daughter will not have to learn things the hard way.
• United States
10 Jul 09
Your man just maybe lazy about it. My man is. We are common law married and have been together on and off since 1991. But since we had a child together we have been more committed to each other since our son was born 7 yrs ago. We live like a married couple just like you and your boyfriend does. In 2004 my guy finally gave me an engagement ring. I know in my case that my man is lazy about getting married and I don't push it with him any longer because if he ever make's me mad enough again I can always walk out the door and not worry about getting a divorced..lol.My man call's me his wife also. In the state I live in, me and him are common law married and I even sometimes use his last name as my own last name... Tell him you want an engagement ring and see if he delivers...
• Philippines
10 Jul 09
i really can't say. Have you asked your guy why is it like that? There are possible reasons like for example: he wants it to be a grand wedding and must save a lot of money to grant your wish or he's afraid of getting committed. I hope you and your boyfriend could solve it. Keep loving life!Ü
@smacksman (6072)
10 Jul 09
A lot of the replies here are saying 'it is only a bit of paper' or 'it didn't bother me', etc. The point that I read into this is that he knows that you want to be married. This is not the legal/financial argument - it is simply that you would like to be married. And after 10 years I think it is very hurtful of him not to grant your wish. Trouble is, as you well know, if you rock the boat he may jump ship. Sorry, I'm old fashioned. If he wants a family and all the good things that go with it then he must sign up to the club.
@srganesh (6344)
• India
10 Jul 09
Culture differs from country to country.In my country India,this type of living together is happening here and there.Almost it is the girls who will suffer if they had a break up.Coming to you.I don't think marriage is just a paper work needed for you.Other than that you are living like married people.You have a kid,condo,joint bank accounts and all that.Is he losing interest in you or do you feel like that?That is the reason for you to push him towards marriage?
• Singapore
10 Jul 09
do you love him? does he love you? i guess sometimes simple things such as loving each other is more than enough. be glad that you 2 r still together. rather than being apart.
@lingli_78 (12834)
• Australia
10 Jul 09
woww... 10 years is already a very long time for you guys to live together... i don't understand why he still doesn't want to marry you... may be you can ask him directly for the reasons why he is hesitating and tell him that you want your status as a wife to be legal and clear... there is no reason why he hesitates in marrying you after such a long time unless if he has other motives towards you... good luck... take care and have a nice day...