I Fear That MY Good Intentions Have Backfired On My WIFE!

United States
July 25, 2009 2:10pm CST
OK...here is a little background. I responded to another discussion that led me to start this one. My wife's dad has been in poor health for YEARS. Even though he knew his health was declining, he had been ignoring the fact that he needed to make out a will. My wife's mother died a few years ago, meaning that my wife's dad was left in charge of everything they had, which isn't much, but that is beside the point. I know it is probably only going to be a couple of years before her dad dies too, and I knew that he didn't have a will, so I started talking to my wife about the fact that he needed one, because if he died without a will, their things would end up tied up in probate court for months or even years. Now, for the record, I didn't care what he left my wife, or even IF he left her anything when he died. He really doesn't have anything over there that I would want for any reason, so my intentions were NOT to get him to leave anything to her, either for HER or MY benefit. I have enough stuff of my own to deal with around here, so I definitely didn't need any of his stuff piled on top of it to deal with. Since her mom died, my wife already has to pretty much do everything for him and her disabled brother who lives with him. She has enough to deal with from day-to-day, and the God's honest truth is that I was only trying to make things easier on her when her dad dies. What I wanted was for him to sit down and decide who was to get what stuff when he dies. So here is what really happened...He didn't really want to deal with the issue to begin with. My wife pretty much had to pressure her dad, who is in his mid-seventies and has been in poor health for YEARS, yet had never had a will made, even AFTER the death of his wife, to have a will made. In other words, I pretty much made my wife make him do it. I did so in an effort to take a burden off my wife when her dad dies. I never spoke to him about it directly, but GOD I wish I had been there when they did finally do it, because I would have stepped in and put a stop to what ACTUALLY happened. When he FINALLY did have the will made, he didn't do any more than he absolutely had to do to keep his house and stuff out of probate. Put another way (and as some of you may have guessed by now), he left everything to MY WIFE, and is expecting her to divide everything among her brothers and sisters, because HE didn't want to have to deal with it. He said that he left everything to HER because HE didn't want to make anyone mad at HIM when the will was read. So instead of taking a burden off her when he dies, which is what a will is supposed to do for your family, he did nothing more than ADD another burden for her to deal with once he dies! Let me put that ANOTHER way... In an effort to take a burden off her when her dad dies, I have effectively allowed him to fork all of HIS responsibilities off onto HER. The last thing I wanted was for him to leave everything to her the way he did, because I knew it was going to do nothing more than cause a bunch of arguing after he is gone. I am more than a little pi$$ed off at this situation, but I am not sure if I should be pi$$ed off at him, or at MYSELF. Should I have just kept my mouth shut and let everything go to the court system to decide? Would that have been easier on her? Should I start pushing now to have it changed? I need some help with this. Any advice?
4 people like this
7 responses
@mdvarghese (1789)
• Bangalore, India
26 Jul 09
Hi...goldeneagle I can understand you position. Her dad passed his responsibilities to her. Because he loves her a lot and he knows that she can handle the situation.So my suggestion is that you should help her to settle this matter . Happy mylotting
1 person likes this
• United States
26 Jul 09
I think that is what I'm saying...
• United States
26 Jul 09
The other side of the coin is that if you or your wife acts as executor of estate then you are seeing to the wishes of the person and knowing your wife is spending so much time with her father and brother she would know what to do... You could let it as is and divide it up as you all see fit... No need to argue... No need for any more stress either...
@ladym33 (10979)
• United States
26 Jul 09
It is certainly wise to have a will. So you were not unwise to suggest this. It can be quite a bit of work for the person who is responsible for handing everything out once the person passes though. My husband was the one responsible in his family, but since he is the most trusted sibling this was comforting to his siblings. You can help take the burden off of your wife by helping her out once it is needed. Make sure your wife tells her siblings that they must be there when the divy out items. Anyone who is not there can not complain about what they do and do not get. Everyone can take what they want but they must present it to everyone, if there is a a dispute over something the best way to handle it is by flipping a coin or picking numbers. Everyone must promise that they will not argue over the results, they can always make trades at the end of the day. This will not end all arguments but it will keep them to a minimum. The house should be sold and the proceeds should be divided up equally among all of the children. Your wife will need to pay off all medical bills and debts out of the insurance money, savings or proceeds of the house before dividing up the money equally, she will also be entitled to an extra percentage such as 10% for the work she puts in. She will need to make sure she keeps track of all the money that goes out to debtors to show her siblings. It is not easy but you can help her with everything. When my mother in law passed away, I took care of paying all of her debts and her medical bills. I also helped with the cleaning out of the home. I also organized and ran the estate sale for all the items that no one wanted, and dvided up the proceeds to all of the the siblings. Your wive's siblings should know that it could take a few months to get the proper amount of money to be divided out.
@jbg45638 (88)
• United States
26 Jul 09
Of all his children he probably trusts your wife the most. He probably already knew she will to the right thing especially with her disababled brother. If he were to write the will equally her disabled brother would of probably get taken advantage off and then get dumped somewhere by the other siblings. By writting the will in her name she calls the shots and she has already shown she will take care of her brother also.
@lelin1123 (15595)
• Puerto Rico
26 Jul 09
I would definitely have your wife go to her dad to make the changes. That will be to much of a burden on your wife. Then you don't want the sisters and brothers fighting with her. I would get the ball rolling on this right away. I know your father-in-law was making it easier for himself but that is just not fair to your wife at all. Good Luck to both of you.
@kcoregon (302)
• United States
26 Jul 09
Please do not feel guilty. You were just trying to get your father in law to do the responsible thing by creating a will. You did not make him put everything into your wife's name. She can pester him to change the will but it doesn't mean that he will do it especially since it sounded really hard to get him to write this one in the first place. If I were your wife I would have her discuss the situation with her siblings and try to come to some sort of a solution as to who will get what and what not. Selling everything may not be a solution because there are often heirlooms that children want to hold on to. If there are conflicts now I would direct them to your father in law to deal with. It is afterall his things that are being given up. Perhaps if there is some bickering and he grows tired of hearing it he may adjust his will. It seems like he needs this type of bullying to get him to cooperate unfortunately. Good luck to you and your wife.
@bird123 (10632)
• United States
25 Jul 09
Well, at least a will has been made. Tell your wife to have an estate sale then divide the money equally. What's left let everyone take turns choosing an item. The oldest child chooses first then down the line. If there is anything left after all the choosing, give it to goodwill for a tax writeoff. Can anyone argue? Your wife has it all legally. I have seen lots of fighting over wills no matter what you do. This might work out better than you think in the long run. Make the rules. Be firm and never wishy washy or you will really have a mess!!