Relationship advice?????????????

@Zelda414 (149)
United States
August 11, 2009 1:10am CST
I know the internet may not be the best place to ask for advice, but sometimes it can be a way to shed some light or help you view things in a different perspective from those who have been there......I am in a relationship with a baby about 4mths old who was premature, my fiance is abusive not physical but he will raise his fists to me n the baby, he tries to tell me how to dress when i go somewhere, he yells at me as if i were a little girl, he will nit pick at me for the stupidest things as if i were a child, he was really like this too much until i ended up in a wheelchair, then at first he was sensitive n caring now hes just a jerk about it n its gotten even worse since we have had the baby, he will threaten to throw the wheelchair away, hates me being in a wheelchair but i have a back n neck injury that just gave out n i get dizzy spells from vertigo n probably the stress doesnt help either one........i try to keep peace but it just irritates me so much that at times i will just blow up at him by yelling back when i cant stand it no more.........i know none of this is good for our premature baby it wasnt good during the pregnancy i just dunno what to do, i want to leave but i dont want to leave the house especially when i can afford it, we arent married so i dont know what the laws are or how it works for throwing him out? any advice? i pray n pray n pray n pray n im trying to be patient n wait on God but God also says use wisdom so you could say im seeking advice from here, legally, n trying to obtain as much info as i can before God answers me an i make a move either way!
1 person likes this
16 responses
• Malaysia
11 Aug 09
Gather your strength dear. Plan your escape. You will not get any better if you stuck in that relationship. Seek help around your area, probably single mother charity or something like that, to support you. Ask God for strength and make your escape before something really bad happen. Good Luck!
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@Zelda414 (149)
• United States
11 Aug 09
Shikaymaru, you are right it wont be an easy task, im giving myself til february or sooner when God answers me to go through n weed through what i dont need n save money n find a place n be prepared as much as possible should it come to this .............ack why me..........
1 person likes this
• United States
11 Aug 09
I totally agree, abuse is abuse no matter if it's physical or mental. Get out now!! there are shelters for women and their children, I should know, I ended up in one 4 years ago. I had to call 911 just to get away from my abuser but I didn't have any children. I know this will be hard for you as I'm sure you really love this man but his love for you is not the right kind of love. He feels your property and that is not fair to you or your child. Think this over and do what is right for your child's sake and yours. Good Luck
@Hatley (164239)
• Garden Grove, California
12 Aug 09
zelda listen to these two,you have to end this thing at once, sure it will be hard but you are responsible for your babies safety and you deserve to be safe,not hurt verbally or physically either. if you have family call them at once, tell them you fear for your safety,I fear for your safety as I know what a controlling battering man can do. some have finally killed their so c alled loved ones.dont wait until its too late,you have to get out of this call the]police as it doesnt matter whether or not you are married, men cannot use their lovers as battering rams, please do this for your sake and your little ones. let us know how it goes.
@jimeny (640)
• Israel
11 Aug 09
Try to have a talk with him, tell him how you feel. The fact that you guys had a baby shows that this relationship is a serious one, so maybe he doesn't mean no harm, he just yell because he's stressed or something and can't control himself. Tell him his behavior hurt you and the baby, and you wish that he'll try and change it. Good luck with whatever you choose to do.
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@Zelda414 (149)
• United States
11 Aug 09
I will try but he thinks he does nothing wrong n is mr perfect. thank you.
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@Zelda414 (149)
• United States
16 Aug 09
ok i got the phone numbers for counselors to have one come to our house, not telling him nothing cuz i see by his actions he will just flip out anyways, i did get a prepaid cell phone for emergency.........im making a list of things to do n preparing with my caregiver............hes getting worse at times.........i spoke to a domestic violence shelter too they said i have to do a one hour phone interview first.............im gonna prepare things here, then get a p o box then line up people to help me move if the counseling brings no improved results n if i have to move then when i move will have the police here to keep peace while we go n file emergency orders first too to protect me n the baby
@Zelda414 (149)
• United States
13 Sep 09
To all, i got out with the baby not in the way i wanted to but with the police to keep the peace n he acted up in front of the police if i didnt cps would of been involved then either get out or lose my son well i got out with the police n now hes letting his oldest daughter control everything, ive got a temp restraining order n temp custody with supervised visitation so next step is mediation, property order n permanent custody...keep me in prayer. we are safe n he dont know where we live.
@kevchua (1004)
• Malaysia
11 Aug 09
Well, since you're not married to him yet, he could be thrown out of the house if he continues to give you problems unless there is a law in your city/country that says once you have a baby, you cannot throw your boyfriend out. If this law exists, then I think there's nothing much you can do about him. Logically speaking, if a person is not legally married, he or she could leave you any time but you could make a report to the relevant authorities because that man has hurt your emotions, and that is abusive. So, in order to avoid further mental pain on yourself, you might want to get help from a women's organisation or some other organisations. I feel sorry at the way you're being treated by this man - he's cruel... sorry, but that's how I feel now.
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@Zelda414 (149)
• United States
11 Aug 09
Thank you, no need to be sorry i should of seen or known but i did pray before getting pregnant a serious prayer, i just guess it wasnt a deep enough prayer to answer all the questions i should of asked.
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@kevchua (1004)
• Malaysia
11 Aug 09
Hi Zelda, no point crying over spilled milk :) What has been done cannot be changed - but make sure nothing worse happens. You've prayed hard, but if nothing's changes, don't blame God for it. You've to continue with life to bring up that baby into a useful citizen unlike the father. Hope things will be better some day so that you could marry him and the child would then have a "legal" father.
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@vandana7 (72355)
• India
11 Aug 09
I am terribly sorry to learn this. I dont understand why girls put up with this. In fact, several times I saw that the girls try to overlook the flaws in their partners even when there are early signs. Pulling wool over others eyes is one thing, but deceiving self? Possibly they hope that it would go away like the pimple on the face. First and foremost, everybody has rights to be loved and respected. Note it is not loved or respected. If the person is denying any of the two ask him to leave. Treat urself well. U owe it to urself and ur baby. The baby will grow up watching this abusive behavior and think it is allowed, and may in future do the same. In all this, I do think u need a more serious kind of protection from this guy if the house is urs. He can try to harm u, especially since he stands to gain. U do need to take help from some social organizations that help in such cases. They will give u the required legal assistance as well. In all probability the guy is waiting for u to die so that he can pocket what is urs. Dump him at the earliest before he succeeds in doing it.
1 person likes this
@Zelda414 (149)
• United States
12 Aug 09
Well he cant be waiting for me to die as he is like 30 yrs older then me, hes about 60s........we dont own the house we are both renting it from a friend of his. thank you i am considering, pondering, and reviewing everyones response as they are all pretty good advice.
• Philippines
11 Aug 09
Girl! What's stopping you? do you still love him? Can't you live without him? You have no where to go? Seek for help from your family, friends, community. Don't take away from them the opportunity to help you. God surely wants them to help you. You may both need a break, a time away from each other, to think, to sort things out. It may be better for you to go to a retreat. If everything fails, dump him. be strong and hold on to God and everything will be fine.
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@Zelda414 (149)
• United States
13 Aug 09
Dhesang, what is stopping me? well a few things, for one i cant go to the shelters unfortunately had to use them with my other who is now 12yrs n they wont let you back at least for homeless shelters, the woman shelters i dunno worth checking into i suppose, im gonna try in home counseling first as suggested by my sons development program they said if nothing else it will serve to help with my custody chances........second we just moved her not to long ago and i need to weed through n separate my stuff as so much is still in boxes, third i may be able to in a couple months just be able to buy nehemiah n me a house which my son instead of us being on the streets so i think im gonna shoot for those goals if i need to get out of this, my mom n dad do know but i cant stay with them they wont let any of their kids stay with them..........friends well those are far n few between n they dont have room for us.
@piya84 (2586)
• India
11 Aug 09
Hello Zelda sorry for saying truth brutally but you have done a horrible choice!First ting why you got committed and had baby with such a man?If you know you might not sustain with this man rest of your life why you made decision of giving birth to baby?I dont know legal rules there in your country but due to baby things might become complicated. Zelda what about your injury?Is it recoverable?If you are recovering then wait a little recovery and dump that man.You need to get out of this relationship as early as possible.
@Zelda414 (149)
• United States
11 Aug 09
Piya, he was a descent man until i ended up in the wheelchair n even wasnt that bad n i figured it was due to all the stress we were under but ever since i came home with the baby well things have taken a turn for the worse.........my back injury no surgery cant really fix it, maybe with time perhaps i might be able to recover somewhat but time will only tell an its been a year already, thank you.
1 person likes this
• Malaysia
11 Aug 09
Sometimes he is too tired that makes him to be like that. Try to find a time to talk to him and understand him more... Sooner u guys going to get married and there is a long long way to go then...
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@divkris (1156)
• India
11 Aug 09
Talking to him is not the best option as it may only lead to more heated up conversation. I think you should tell him that you are not a weakling you don't like his physical guesture of blowing fist and all that. I think the best wayis to confide the whole story to one of his friend who can communicate things to him and instill some ood manners into him. Why don't you take a break and go to your mom's place or some place where you can stay with your baby till you recover from your injuries. Have patience but don't keep tolerating such behaviors from your boyfriend. BTW, did you both plan for a baby? He may also be stressed out because of this new and additional responsibility. Find out from him about it. All the best :)
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@thokius (426)
• Austria
11 Aug 09
Hello Zelda414, I am sad that this happened to you. I know that men often store all of there anger into there partners but it's just unfair. I haven't ever had a divorce so I don't know about the law but you can search the net for it. I guess your boyfriend has lost it. If he can't control his tempar his just to much of a threat for you and the baby. But I think if you go to court you will have a bigger chance of winning a trial. I hope I helped you in some way. Thok
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• India
11 Aug 09
So sorry to hear this…at a time when you need all the love and care, you are having to bear with this! I really have no advise to give but leaving him at the soonest would definitely do both you and the baby a world of good. Your bf just comes across as a complete immature arss*hole who’s done the job but doesn’t want to take the responsibility for it. maybe he has some issues himself…job related or financial? Was he always like this or has he changed just recently? If he’s changed recently, you can just ask him to sit and talk this out with you…maybe he has nobody on whom he can unburden himself and he feels stifled having to take care of the baby and you and his own problems!
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@Ruby722 (797)
• China
12 Aug 09
I am so sorry heard that.If you said is turth.I think there is nothing you have to think about.Just leave that man.Such a mean man.What did he do to you.Hurt you yelling you blaming on you.and beat on you.You said you didn't married to this guy I don't know what your country's legal rule.Whatever it is.I think you need get out of that palce and your baby you can finally find a place.Can't you call you family or you friends for help.Just get out of that place.Hope everything will be ok.Good luck
@Zelda414 (149)
• United States
12 Aug 09
Ruby, yes this is all true unfortunately! he hasnt hit me no, he just abuses me in other ways mostly verbal, emotional an sometimes financially or social but mainly verbal n emotional......im not married to him, i am seeking help but family really isnt all the much of an option........thank you
• United States
2 Sep 09
It really is a difficult situation, especially with a baby and you being in a wheelchair. However, it sounds like you are taking steps to get out of the situation, which is very good. If you do not, then it will only get worse, and he could seriously hurt you or the baby. I wish you all the best, and hope that you can get everything in order and get out as soon as you can.
@Ithink (10618)
• United States
12 Aug 09
I hope that you can get away from this man (if that is what you want to call him). I hate to be brutal in my honesty but these situations normally just get worse, until they do hit. You are already in a bad situation by being in a wheelchair. If your name is on the lease you can get him kicked out. If both of your names are on the lease, maybe you could talk to the landlord and they would help you. You could always go to a womans shelter. You may think that a place like that is for abused woman, I hate to tell you that what he is doing is abuse! You need to do something before he gets worse and it could get worse, it could be a slap next then a punch. It could then get worse and include your child. Please get help, living in a situation like that even for a child is horrible. I know as my biological father was abusive. Take care and please get help.
@Hatley (164239)
• Garden Grove, California
12 Aug 09
Velda your so called boyfriend is an abuser and you have everyright in fact you must do it because you have a baby,you are responsible for yourself and for your baby's safety. c all the police, and call childrens protective service. if you have family who can help for goodness sakes yell help, my boyfriends so abusive I fear for myself and my baby.honey you owe it to your baby to get him out of there. if you sign the order the police can get him out,get any relatives you have to help you, and ask the police for names of the shelters for battered women. the next time he might just go too far and killyou.the law is on your side,call the police,tellthem what is going on and ask for whatever help they can give you. if your mom willhelp you for Gods sakes call her immediately,any friend who would helpenlist them,you must keep your precious baby safe. the heck with your battering man, forget him. get out of that situation at once. good luck I will pray also and God Bless hatley here
@jen14ed (866)
• Philippines
12 Aug 09
no your in the right place the internet is the best place to ask your problem all member of mylot will give you advice to your problem all problem we have a solution of that, try to be strong don't give up and try to talk to him and try to talk to god she will answer you and god you will help you in your problem. just pray and talk to him don't loose hope all problem we have solution for that,all you have to do is be strong and don't loose hope good luck... you will see next week or maybe tomorrow your problem will solve i pray for your problem.
• China
11 Aug 09
You should be lifted as soon as possible and the relationship between this person.