You Don't Want To MARRY ME?!?!?!

United States
September 18, 2009 9:33pm CST
Last night, my boyfriend and I were just chatting about... Life... Work, our daughter, friends, the usual... Somehow the subject turned into what we think about marriage. My boyfriend, live in boyfriend, father of my first child (and only for the meantime), our provider, best friend.... Told me that he doesn't believe in marriage, his exact words were that marriage is just a piece of paper.....My heart just sank, I was lost for words. He than asked me my opinion, I than told him that marriage is not a piece of paper, its a commitment about having a life together, to love each other and always be there for one another. And the arguing started! Going back and forth on our personal views....... At last I ask him, will you marry me in ten years, he said "No, we are fine just the way we are".... What should I do about this? Share your opinions!! How would you take this if you were in the same situation?
5 people like this
24 responses
@spalladino (17922)
• United States
19 Sep 09
This is a conversation that you obviously should have had before you and this man had a child together but, since you didn't, you really only have two choices. You can accept that you will be a live in girlfriend forever...or until he changes his mind for some reason...or you can take steps now so that you are able to support yourself and your child when you leave him. Because, if you want to be married in the future and he doesn't, you will eventually get to the point where you will want to leave.
• United States
19 Sep 09
Well... We have had this conversation before... And he was into the marriage thing... We even had talked about eloping and getting married in Las Vegas before my daughter was born... Before I met him, or knew him, he was engaged before! I don't know what could've changed his mind so quickly!
@maezee (38864)
• United States
19 Sep 09
You shouldn't jump to conclusions. It's not as though him saying this means he isn't in love with you and doesn't want to spend the rest of his life with you. Marraige means different things to different people, simply, and if you think about it..Nothing CHANGES after you get married, except for the legality of it all. Feelings stay the same. If you love your boyfriend, and you're in a loving, healthy, committed and long-term relationship - in my opinion, that's all that should matter. Marraige isn't a road that all couples end up taking.
2 people like this
• United States
19 Sep 09
thanks for your response maezee! I just see marriage as more of a commitment... Or am I thinking about it the wrong way? You are right, are relationship now is good! Well actually its great... But I just don't want to be another girlfriend, my whole life!?!?! lol..
2 people like this
@angryeve (705)
• Philippines
19 Sep 09
Hi prikayjo, well at first when I was reading your post around the middle part, I was saying that it wasn't that bad. Maybe your boyfriend just really don't think it's important since you're living together already and that you love each other. But when you asked him if he'll marry you and then replies to you a statement like that... now that must have hurt, big time. I mean I respect if he doesn't believe in marriage, but he could have at least been more sensitive especially after hearing your your thoughts about the issue.. =( Still it's not enough reason to break up with him especially when you already have a child. Maybe you could talk about it again some other time. Hope everything goes well with you guys. =)
1 person likes this
• United States
20 Sep 09
Hey angryeve! Finally someone that understands how much it hurt me to hear him say that! When he told me that, my eyes were watery! He is not aware of when he is hurting my feelings... And I hate that... But I love him! lol... WEIRD! I respect his issues on marriage and I am a bit bothered by it... But what really gets to me is that, he was engaged before?!?! He just makes me feel as if I am not good enough to even be considered as a wife....
1 person likes this
@angryeve (705)
• Philippines
20 Sep 09
Hahaha, yah I totally feel for you. I'm pretty sure you were about to burst out on tears when you heard his statement. I guess that's one of the reasons why men and women can't stop arguing. Men tend to be sooooo insensitive. And women don't easily forget an arguments.lol Especially if it's a major issue like in your case, about marriage. They just don't understand how insulting it is for a woman to feel that her partner doesn't want to make efforts or doesn't believe on marrying her.. I almost started to think that he just doesn't believe in marriage, period. But when you said that he was engaged before.. tsk tsk tsk..??? That's definitely a major insult, no wonder you can't get over it. I mean I assume he was the one who proposed since he's the guy, right. So he does believe in marriage.. why wouldn't he wants to marry you now?Honestly, I really don't want to get you more angry with him.hehe It's just that, I could actually relate. My ex was like that. I'm glad we're not together anymore. But I still advice you not to break up with him just because of this.=)
1 person likes this
• United States
21 Sep 09
Hey angryeve! I am not thinking about breaking up with just because of this... No reason! But... It just hurts! To know that he was so seriously involved with another woman... And as for me, he just wants me to remain his girlfriend... Men!!! can't live with them and can't live without them! lol...
1 person likes this
@hotsummer (10523)
• Philippines
19 Sep 09
it is hard for people to marry if they don't believe in it. if they don't respect the sanctity of marriage. and it scares some people. but for me i think that ideally people should marry specially if they are living together already.
1 person likes this
• United States
19 Sep 09
Thanks hotsummer!!! For your response.... I think that it might scare him, but I hope maybe late in life he will change his mind, if not I'll make him!!! lol.. j/k. I will just have to wait out and see what life brings!
1 person likes this
@hotsummer (10523)
• Philippines
19 Sep 09
but at least you are still better off than other people who had trouble finding a partner to spend for the rest of their lives for whatever reason they had difficulty finding a partner. or those with partner but are unhappy with their relationship. but i see that you are happy with him only that you wish that you will get married soon.
• United States
20 Sep 09
I agree with you both! Though not recognized by law you can be just as married without a piece of paper. It is how you both feel about your commitment to each other. I know people who get married and the marriage doesn't last more than a few months. I also know people who have been together 25 years who never bothered with the piece of paper.
1 person likes this
• United States
21 Sep 09
Hello martieann... Thanks for responding! Just like you, I know people with the same issues... Married for a few months or years and others who never married and have lasted a long time... I guess there is never a fairy tale ending! I just wanted him, to show me some signs of a serious commitment, other than, a live in girlfriend!
1 person likes this
@coldmoon (1092)
• France
20 Sep 09
Hi prikayo, I'm also girl and I understand what you think, but I'm agree with you boyfriend. Nowadays, marriage has lost its value as a commitment, because the divorce is also allowed. Most of men want to be free, and they stop their single life only when they find the true love; then they'll be ready to tie their life with her. But they never want to be tied. It's the male nature, and your relationship is not romantic any longer if you try to talk about this. I think about the marriage as an assignement of love with responsibility than a commitment of life together. I have known my partner for 8 years, but we have shared our life for 2 years , since our life (house, career, money,...) and our relation (love, family and friend communication,..) became stable enough. Well, it's too soon if you talk about a far future when you still have many things to fullfill in the present. In your boyfriend' circumstance, should he gossip about your life together with him while he hasn't been sure that he can bring to you all that you need? (If he did, I would say that he's not serious) He might think, what will happen if in ten years, he's still zero : no house, no career, no money,..? You seem a very young girl, and you want your love to have a happy ending. But this task is as planning lemon tree from a germ. You must be patient to take care of it before thinking of the fruits. In fact, you want to realize your love without mentioning realistic problems. I hope that you'll change your mind when you have more experiences. Sometime my partner proposes me, but I says that I'm not ready, and I think that our love is strong enough, so we don't need a piece of paper to keep us together. He respects my choice, and that makes me feel glad. If he forced me to get married, may be I'd try to go loose and escape from him. I think that I'm in the same situation of your boy, and be careful, he may have the same opinion with me.
1 person likes this
• United States
21 Sep 09
Hey coldmoon! Thanks for your response... I am not upset about his decision or opinion about marriage, I am more upset that he was engaged, once before... And he decided to break it up with her... With the tone of his voice and the things that he has said... All I wanted was a glimpse of hope, I don't plan to want to get married right away, but later on in life I wouldn't mind it.
1 person likes this
• United States
20 Sep 09
I've done both the marriage and live together thing and each has it's own unique benefits. If you're going to be together forever (or at least think you are), marriage is better. It prevents the horrible situations of him dying and his relatives just kicking you out of your home, preventing you from taking your belongings, or taking his pension because they're the nearest relatives. On the other hand, if you're not sure yet, living together is definitely better, as long as you keep all your finances separately and don't get into any loans, joint or co-signed. At this point in my life, I think I'd rather get married with a prenuptial agreement than to live together. Living together is just too unstable for me. In any case, no matter what you do, you should work and have your own money. Don't be too dependent on him, be as self sufficient as you can, considering that you have a child to take care of.
• United States
20 Sep 09
Hey razzberry, We already have loans, credit cards and everything together, as if we were married! So, Why not get married right? lol...We have separate bank accounts and yes, believe me I have my own money... I take care of what I need to take of.... I just want to feel more committed in us and our family!
1 person likes this
@BStuff (498)
• United States
19 Sep 09
Honestly, this is a decision your going to have to make with yourself. I first commend you for not freaking out big time as a lot of girl I know would have been like . Is marriage something you;ve always wanted? How important is it to you? Will you feel comfortable with the thought of never having it? You need to think about this and make a decision. If its okay then you just support him and you sit down and tell him I'm giving up this for you because I trust and love you but I need you to understand how big of a deal it is that I'm giving this up for you. Or second if your not okay with this and you just can;t see yourself living without marriage (which is perfectly fine I don't honestly think I could) then you need to sit down and explain that to him and let him know if he can;t marry you then your just not going to be getting what you need from the relationship so your going to have to go find it somewhere else. It's neither of your faults just wasnt meant to be. What really matters is that your both good parents and you respect each other. Good luck this is a scary situation It will be okay just got to make sure you get what you need out of life too. NEVER settle.
• United States
20 Sep 09
BStuff! I just want to say thank you! for your advice... No, I didn't freak out! I was just so hurt on how he told me that he won't marry me! I do so much for this man! He is the love of my life! I do love this man with everything that I have, I hope that maybe in time, he will maybe change his mind, but if he doesn't... I don't know what I will do... I am sure that we will talk about the subject again, maybe not to soon! And BStuff! I won't ever settle, its not my style!
1 person likes this
@jlynn00 (16)
• United States
19 Sep 09
Give him time. I feel the same way sometimes. I'm with a man I love very much, and he is also the father oif my first child. Be patient. Maybe he just doesn't have the money right now, or maybe he really is scared to be COMPLetely tied down. Honestly, forget about it so it won't bother you.
1 person likes this
• United States
19 Sep 09
yay! I have found someone in my same situation! I thought I would be the only one! Thanks for responding! And honestly, with all the stories shared, and advice... I don't mind it as much right now! Have a nice day!
@piya84 (2590)
• India
19 Sep 09
Hello there Its not a cultural norm here in my country.If that what culture is there in your country and it is absolutely normal to live like that without marriage then thats fine.DOnt make marriage your ultimate goal if he is deeply committed to you.
• United States
19 Sep 09
Thanks Piya84! I am starting to think the same way! With everyone giving me their advice and stories it is really starting to help me feel better about this whole topic! Have a nice day!
@shia88 (4578)
• Malaysia
19 Sep 09
Hi prikayjo, I can understand your feeling when your boyfriend prefer to stay on your current relationship rather than go step up for marriage. After dating for few years and we find that he is our MR.Right, we would like to go for further step up, into marriage life whereby we can have own family and being together all the time. Since your boyfriend does not believe in marriage and don't want to have any commitment, you should ask yourself whether is this the relationship that you want for yourself. Do you want to go through this kind of life in future,just dating and dating,no marriage at all. Same time, you have to consider your family members, will they agree with your boyfriend's thinking? Marriage is a big commitment ,not only about staying together,but we will be sharing our happiness and sadness together. It is about bringing two families be to together. Before we agreed to marry a man, we have to think and make sure he is the right person to be our soulmate.Never say ' regret ' after married.
1 person likes this
• United States
19 Sep 09
Hey Shia, Well we live together, and even though we are not married, we share our happiness and sadness... Our families have come together, when my daughter was born we were all already united for her arrival. We do live in the "married life" you can say... We just haven't gone through the process.... That is why I can't understand, what doesn't he want to just take this little step... With all that we have accomplished, I would think that this would be something minor!
1 person likes this
@jules67 (2790)
• Philippines
19 Sep 09
Hi prikayjo2436. It seems hard that your boyfriend and the father of your child does not think in the same direction like you. You for sure want to be married and your boyfriend does not. Why would you prolong a relationship with someone whose belief does not agree with yours. You definitely want a family and your boyfriend does not. You cannot definitely have a family with him. It is not use to prolong your agony. I am sure that there are other men who would want to have a family. For sure, you will find someone who would want to have a family like you.
• United States
19 Sep 09
hey jules! I am sure that I can find another man to marry me and have a family with! But I love the man that I am with, I love him with all my heart and I am willing to wait and see if he will change his mind!
1 person likes this
• Philippines
19 Sep 09
maybe he wasn't in the mood to agree to you yet, he simply tried to emphasize how happy both of you are now and refuse to think of future plans. probably it's his way of not making broken promises to you just in case. he'll change his mind soon, don't take personally.
1 person likes this
• United States
19 Sep 09
Thanks letranknight! I hope that your right! Only time will tell!!!!
1 person likes this
@vandana7 (72433)
• India
19 Sep 09
Hi prikayjo, I have seen ur other discussion, in which u have written about ur daughter, and ur boyfriend's suggestion that u all should have another child. Those discussions, read with this mean that ur boyfriend is committed already! Does he need a piece of paper to show you that? And though he says 10 years down the lane he wont consider it, he might! People do change. And this boy is likely to change for better, especially after he realizes that it affects the psyche of his children at school. He seems to be a responsible person considering that he has been the provider, and also ur best friend. His belief or lack of belief in marriage may be because of what he has seen around him. He seems disillusioned with it. Secondly, how many marriages that u know amongst ur friends and relatives that have not made it even to the 10th anniversary? If u consider it from that perspective, he does have a point. Doing something because u r expected to do is one thing, and doing something because u want to do it another. He is doing what he is doing because he wants to do it. I think that is better. Forget the certificate. He will make up his mind on that when ur daughter asks him.
• United States
19 Sep 09
Hi Vandana! I like what you have written... You have truly made me think.... That yes... He must be committed if he wants to add to our family, and is the provider for our family... I never realized it from that aspect. Thank you so much for pointing this out! I really appreciate it! You've made me feel so much better about this! Thanks! There are no other words that I can say to you in order to thank you! Have a nice one! May God Bless you!
1 person likes this
@angelajoy (1838)
• Philippines
19 Sep 09
I really don't get those people who don't want to get married because they believe that it's just a piece of paper. If marriage is not really a big deal, then why can't you do it for the person you love? After all, if you think it's just a piece of paper it would do you no harm. Could somebody please enlighten me on this?
1 person likes this
• United States
19 Sep 09
hey angelajoy! When someone lets you know, please enlighten me as well!
1 person likes this
@juzitou (161)
• United States
19 Sep 09
First,i must say that i am a man,maybe i know what your boyfriend thought easily.For a man,especially for a young man,he maybe think it's not a good idea to marry too early because he thinks the marriage would stop him from being a free person.He may think it's ok to keep the present situation.But for a women,she may feel unwell if she has no marriage,so the contradiction appears.I think you can chat will him at next time,maybe he will agree what you say to you.Good luck to you!
1 person likes this
• United States
19 Sep 09
juzitou, Thanks for responding! Believe me, weill chat about this topic many times! Until I get him thinking about it!
1 person likes this
@mikeowl (200)
• Malaysia
19 Sep 09
If he says that he is fine the way we are, it shows that he is not ready at the moment for marriage. Don't think too deep on the meaning. Sometimes guys are very straight with their words that it might hurt the feelings of their love ones but actually they don't mean it that way. It might just be the other way round.
1 person likes this
• United States
19 Sep 09
Thanks mikeowl! He does have the tendency to say things to straight forward and it can be so mean!
1 person likes this
• United States
19 Sep 09
I dont' think he's saying he doesn't want to marry you, just that he doesn't believe in marriage in general and the fact that he thinks the two of you will be fine in ten years, well that shows he's pretty committed to you. However, if you really want to get married, I can see how that would be upsetting. I think you two will need to have more talks in the future and come to a compromise.
1 person likes this
• United States
19 Sep 09
Hey embattledsparkle, Thank you so much for responding, I know that he does love me and yes, it is enough for me, but later on in life I would like to be more to him... I know that we will have this conversation later on in life... And I hope that he will maybe change his mind!!!
@trisha27 (3495)
• United States
19 Sep 09
First of all, how long have you guys been together and well I believe like as ones has said above that this should have been discussed before you had a baby. Because if your live in boyfriend doesn't want to get married and just wants to be with you as a boyfriend, but you want marriage, then you deserve to be happy and have the marriage you've always wanted. Like my mom always said he just wants to have his cake and eat it too. Marriage isn't just a paper just as you have said, it is a commitment it is a way to express your love in front of your friends, family and God, if you decide to get married in a church. Like I said you deserve to be happy and if marriage is what you want and marriage isn't something he wants then you need to let him know if he's not willing to eventually marry you then you can't be together. If this is something you truely want. I understand that you guys have a baby, but don't stay in a relationship because you guys have a baby. You can still be good friends and raise your child together. If you are willing to stay with him though even though he doesn't want to marry you, then go for it. But don't throw in his face later for him not marrying you. Don't think that he will change his mind, he may and he may not. Most likely not. You have talked to him though and you've let him know how you feel and if you do decide to leave him, if he decides not to marry you then let him in on that. That may just change his mind as well.
• United States
19 Sep 09
Thank you for responding! I am so undecided on what to do?!?! Only time will tell! I love him enough to wait a little while and to see if his mind changes!
@satan88 (586)
• United States Minor Outlying Islands
19 Sep 09
well i don't think anyone can or should force anyone to marry them. i'm not saying you are but i'm just saying that's part of who he is and what he believes in. that being said people can and do change so just try to slowly convert him with subliminal messages and maybe he'll turn around.
1 person likes this
• United States
19 Sep 09
Lol... Good Idea Satan! I will do!