Tired of living by everyone else's rules...

@miamilady (4924)
United States
September 24, 2009 1:33pm CST
You know the saying..."you can't please all of the people all of the time". Yet, many of us still try. Why? What's the point? No matter how hard we try to be there for the ones we care about and to our best for them, eventually it's not enough. I sometimes have to wonder, do they love me for who I am or for what I am doing for them? How do you know if someone loves you for who you really are, or they just love you for who they want you to be? I'm starting to get a warped idea of what love is. Call me jaded. Is there such a thing and unconditional love? Sometimes I wonder if even parens are truly capable of it. How many parents make their kids feel like cr@p because they aren't living their lives exactly how the parent things they should be living it? How many kids don't really appreciate their parents and all that they have done for them? Why do we always have to be judgemental of eachother? Why can't we just accept people for who they are, withough judgement or expectations? Just wondering...
5 people like this
17 responses
• United States
30 Sep 09
i used to try to be all things for everyone. and most times,ended up financially broke myself and worn out. i cut that,and i'm a lot healthier and happier.i wasted too much time trying to please everyone else. that sounds horrible,but i had a lot of leeches. as far as unconditional love..i wonder sometimes if humans are capable of it. i've seen more love in the eyes of my pet than many people.
@MsTickle (25051)
• Australia
29 Sep 09
I think we're supposed to take everything for granted. We are supposed to accept and assume that we are loved for who we are, that we will love our family just for who they are but that seems to be a perfect world scenario. We're supposed to love our children but there are things about my kids I don't like or respect. Some of the choices they have made as adults I am totally against so how can I love them unconditionally. I try to love them and be proud of them but it often feels false and zI feel like I'm being dishonest with myself. I have loved several men and ended up letting them treat me like a doormat before walking away. I don't understand it at all and when I try to figure it out I feel so lost. I think most of us are dysfunctional. Some will just sail through life and not worry about these questions and have no expectations, I sometimes wish I could be that way. I try not to judge people but if people I'm in contact with have no standards or values, or these of theirs traits don't fit with mine, then I have to make a judgement call to limit my dealings with them. That seems like the right thing to do.
• United States
25 Sep 09
I was blessed with parents that let me be who I am. Ever since I was young I would say no And Mean no. I have never tried to be who other people want me to be. I think I wluld be very b!tchy if I tried. People find me kind and understanding and that's me unless someone tries to make me do what I don't want to do. Then the b!tch comes out. I want o have this put on a t-shirt. " Warning , I go from nice to b!tch in 6 seconds" I think the only way o tell if anyone Really loves yo is ask yourself this question. Do they really know the real you? If so, do they love the real you. does he let you breathe. I mean he doesn't smother you. Does he respect your view point ,even when you disagree. Is he there regardless? Those are the signs of true love for me. If you answer no to any of these , then he doesn't Really love you.
@kutedarsu (254)
• India
25 Sep 09
the key is to please people who like you and trust you a great deal. if there is someone who is ever willing to spend their time and energy on you, that is a true friend. be it in any relationship, there must be unconditional love. having said even if your loved ones expect something from you, its because they believe you are there for them.
@Bluepatch (2480)
• Trinidad And Tobago
25 Sep 09
There's obviously a need to set your own standards and try to achieve them. If other people's ways of living are not pleasing to you there is a need for you to try to satisfy your own ways and not theirs. Anytime somebody tries to live in a way that pleases others they end up frustrated. You've got to start pleasing yourself sometime.
@tvb2009 (237)
• Singapore
25 Sep 09
You started a very great topic. I wonder at times too. Why do we have live with such rules and laws. Sometimes i wonder, what will the world be without rules and laws? What do you think? But i believe rules are made to somewhat create a guideline on how to go about doing things and so on. If you talk about why we should live by somebody's rules, i think it is because we want to make that someone happier? I do agree that we should love someone for who he/she is, but different has different views and rules. If loving someone means you have to accept who he/she is for what they are. Wouldn't it be going against your own principle? So bottom line is, we have to compromise. Sometimes, you live by his rules and sometimes he lives by yours.
@jillmalitz (5132)
• United States
25 Sep 09
I think it is human nature to be judgemental. We are judged by parents, siblings, teachers and employers all our lives. We can help ourselves. I tend to be critical and have to work hard not to say some things. When we have kids we judge in the name of "teaching" to our children. In our efforts to make them good citizens of the world sometimes we make them into what we dont really want them to be.
@mansha (6301)
• India
25 Sep 09
Its a very hard thing to do and mostly we also expect something from others so they also expect things from us. For example right now I am fighting a lost battle with myu mother in law...I know its my hubby's duty to keep her happy and take care of her and so is mine but I need my independence too and when its curbed I feel trapped and I wish my hubby would understand that but he expects me to understand how much indebted he is towards his mom so I should be ready along with him to serve them at a moment's notice. Both of us are right but yet we both are wrong, take for an example tomorrow is a festival his mom wants us to come and stay at her place which I find too uncomfortable and I still feel unwelcome there as she will keep taunting me over silly things or try and tell me how to run my house..her taunts extend from my cooking to ny folding of clothes and to my dressing style or dealing with my kids. I try to cover up with a smile and ignoring her remarks and try to minimize contact with her for that reason I want to leave early morning tomorrow and spend the day with her and come back in the night but my hubby says we have to spend a night there, I say you go and I will follow but now I can see tension brewing between us...you tell me who is righter between us.
@worldwise1 (14887)
• United States
25 Sep 09
You've taken a step in the right direction, miamilady, by recognizing that it is futile to try and please everyone. I used to be like that until I learned that it was affecting my health in a negative way. No matter how poorly others treated me I would hold my feelings in. It was quite liberating to discover that I actually could say "no," and not feel like a shrew. I think that I would fit into the slot of unappreciated parent because I've tried so hard to please my children and grandchildren, yet I feel they never have time for me until they need money or something else I can provide. Of course this has led me to concentrate more on doing what makes me happy. Sure, I get a lot of criticism but I can deal with that. I've also learned that family members, and others, will judge you no matter what you do, so it only makes sense to sometimes put your needs above everything.
• United States
25 Sep 09
Well, lets face it, we're all different people and we all have different views on everything, including how people should behave and act. In a perfect world, we'd not have any imperfections and we wouldn't expect crazy things from the people in our lives, however, the world is not perfect and everyone has expectations. The thing is, people should love you for you regardless of what you do and what you can do. There are some people in the world that do care for you and don't expect you to be everything to everyone, but there are some people that do. The trick is finding out who matters the most to you in your life.
@celticeagle (123436)
• Boise, Idaho
25 Sep 09
People are so shallow now days! It is amazing. For the most part I can tell the people that are this way and i don't take them seriously and try to stay away from them. One nice thing about not working now, I don't have to put up with these types. Unconditional love? You bet. Family love is that way I think. If a friend is true there is also this type of love. I believe you keep these type of friends close and the other kind as far away as possible.
@Opal26 (17686)
• United States
24 Sep 09
Hey miamilady! That is such a great question and one that I'm really not sure any human can actually answer and be completely honest about! I have had this conversation with my own mother over and over again and she is going to be 79 and I am going to be 57! She still doesn't believe that I love her for who she is, my mom and not what she does for me. She has helped me out of many jams and we have had a rough life when I was younger because of my father, but that is a long story. But, she will never believe what I say ever! So what is the point! So as you are saying, how does a parent know that their child really loves them for them or a child know if their parent really love them if they know that their parent is disappointed in them? A catch 22? I guess so! It is really a sad situation when this question can't be answered honestly and both mother and child really don't know the true answer and may never know~ How very sad is that?
@dawnald (84075)
• Shingle Springs, California
24 Sep 09
Whoa, too many questions. I think a parent can love a child unconditionally, but expect more of them or be disappointed in them. The love isn't conditional on the child improving, in other words. Many kids don't appreciate their parents, but they still love them. Some people do withhold love though. And I guess being judgmental has a lot to do with our upbringing. If you were brought up to believe something is just wrong or that something should be done a certain way, and you see somebody doing something you consider wrong, it is natural to judge that. It takes a lot more to shut up and be open minded and realize that there are different ways of doing things, than it does to just pass judgement based on how you were taught. When we all DO learn to accept people as they are, well maybe then we'll finally have world peace.
@mentalward (14695)
• United States
24 Sep 09
Hmmm. All I can say here is that you know who truly loves you when you need help yourself. I've been the giver all my life. People have counted on me being there for them. Usually, it's not the other way around. I know my own mother did not have unconditional love because of some things she said that hurt me badly. When my fallopian tube ruptured due to a tubal pregnancy and my husband was "in the field" and I could not get a hold of him, I called my mother. I was doubled up in pain and about to pass out. Know what she told me? "You'd better get yourself to the hospital." I told her that I was about to pass out and couldn't drive. She reluctantly came and took me to the hospital. On the way in, while she was pushing my wheelchair, she said (and this made me stop dying for a moment because it was so incredulous) "Why is this happening to me???" Honestly, I turned around to stare at her because I couldn't believe what I just heard. I told her I would gladly switch places with her. My tube had ruptured, I was hemorrhaging internally and about to have emergency surgery to save my life. I think pushing a wheelchair is much easier than going through that! She was also always telling me that I needed to do this or that. My hair was too long. I should go to church. I should stay married to a wife-beater and adulterer ("Grin and bear it" is how she put it.) Stuff like that. She apparently did not like me at all. No, my mother didn't love me. But my sons do. Whenever I've needed help, which is rare (well, it's rare when I ask for help) they've been right here for me. They don't hesitate. I have a friend I've known for over 30 years now and she has always called me to cry about not having enough money or just needing me to cheer her up. At one time, she would call and say she was going to kill herself. I heard that just one time too many. I said, "Go ahead, do it. Get it over with and you'll never have to worry again." I hung up. She called back 10 minutes later and apologized. She has since been there for me. So, I do have people who love me unconditionally. Well, that's actually a misnomer because love IS unconditional. It there are conditions, it's not love. The only time you can know for sure who loves you is when you have a crisis and they are there for you.
@savypat (20245)
• United States
24 Sep 09
I think I have some answers here, parents want the very best for their children and sometimes they want this so badly that instead of listening and allowing their child to go his own way they try to relive their own lives without all the mistakes they made. Or the parents will work very hard to run a business, or give an education that they can pass on to their children, so that their children will have a better life. the problem is that the child is not given a choice in this and grows up resenting the parents for enforcing their wish upon the child's life. We do need to please all of the people we can by conforming to basic social rules for interaction. If we can do this we will be able to get on with the important parts of life with the least friction. People who love each other often feel that they have an investment in that person and so have the right to expect certain things. Love should be a gift that is given without attachment or conditions, in our society it is very hard to find or even give that type of love.
@Wizzywig (7858)
24 Sep 09
I suppose we all like to think we're giving that unconditional love. I know that my mum would never intentionally make me feel bad but, sometimes an unguarded, spontaneous comment can feel quite hurtful & I daresay, there are probably plenty of times when I've opened my mouth before engaging brain! Maybe the fact that we try so hard to please everyone is what makes us feel they dont appreciate us &, maybe it also makes others just assume we'll try so it stops being any big deal? Sometimes we need to just please ourselves I think. Everyone deserves a break. Hope you have a good weekend and get to do something just because YOU want to
@Archie0 (4667)
24 Sep 09
[i]Hello there Yes i am, i am tired to live upto everyones expectations, everyone has their dreams which are to be fulfilled by me.All have their own restrictions which i need to be followed too.I dont know what i am where i have to go for myself.It all always feels so bad that i dont have anything of mine to do.I want to run in an open sun and breath high feel happy and want that someone who will hold my hand and run with me no maater how the world thinks we are crazy about.[/i]