three monkeys

@jb78000 (15164)
October 5, 2009 6:14am CST
well, monkey number two really - speak no evil. in open forums there are quite a few things that i think but would never put down. not because i am afraid of an argument (far from it) but because of how they might make someone feel - mainly in my case because they would be undermining something that may be crucial to a person's sense of self. of course this also can happen a bit in real life - to make a trivial example - if a friend has got into a lot of trouble because she did something really stupid and was upset about it i would be unlike to be saying 'well it's all your own fault missy'. so what about you - do you say whatever pops into your head or do you hold back sometimes because you are aware of the way it might make people feel?
3 people like this
17 responses
@Drumman (305)
• United States
5 Oct 09
Sometimes nothing good can come from holding back. Things don't just change. You have to make them change. If someone is having problems because they're being stupid then they need to understand they're being stupid. Maybe if they feel bad enough they'll get their act together. Then their life will be better.
1 person likes this
@jb78000 (15164)
6 Oct 09
well it always depends on the situation and the person. i think you are thinking of somebody that keeps making the same mistakes over and over again - and in some cases it can be worth pointing this out because that may be enough to get them to change. not always though - sometimes doing this will achieve nothing more than hurting their feelings.
@Bluepatch (2480)
• Trinidad And Tobago
5 Oct 09
I always hold back things that might hurt other people. Its not good to hurt others and that is the way we should relate to people. Not hurting them and respecting their feelings.
1 person likes this
@jb78000 (15164)
6 Oct 09
yes there are some things that can be very hurtful and are simply not worth saying for that reason.
@thea09 (18319)
• Greece
5 Oct 09
Hi jb, being prone to sometimes being a little blunt myself I am now considering myself totally virtuous when I see the carrying on which you refer to. It seems the most holiest of types just don't understand when they are actually being total arses and take no regard of where they go around preaching and insulting with their large boots on. Maybe they neglected to take into account the rather sensitive subject which initiated the debate, however I think they just couldn't give a f88k about that whilst attempting to prove their ridiculous points. And I didn't need a pm to know what you are on about. I held back on this one considering the circumstances.
@jb78000 (15164)
5 Oct 09
perhaps we need crass one track mind twerps to make the rest of us look godly by comparison...
@James72 (26829)
• Australia
5 Oct 09
Thanks for stepping up to the plate on that one jb! I've always appreciated those who lead by example.
@jb78000 (15164)
5 Oct 09
and now i am completely and utterly confused. as usual. i have now decided to do something dreadful to those wicked rabbit bullies (you and thea) who delight in making me miserable.
@James72 (26829)
• Australia
5 Oct 09
That movie "12 Monkeys".... Were there even any monkeys in it??? Unrelated I know, but I just thought I'd take take this opportunity to ask. If I were to type down the first thing that pops into my head a lot of the time, I think I'd be in a world of trouble! I definitely hold back at times and even when I do let go a little, I still consider my words very, very carefully before posting them. There's always going to be someone taking what we've said the wrong way at one time or another and as long as I can minimise the risks of this happening, then I'm relatively comfortable to say what I wish to say most of the time at least. Sometimes it can be a real challenge to hold back though, I can tell you; and it's during these moments that I appreciate that we have the ability to think before we speak here.
@James72 (26829)
• Australia
5 Oct 09
Heya mate!
@jb78000 (15164)
5 Oct 09
hiya lamb - thankyou for the most articulate reponse i am likely to get in this discussion considering who the other respondees are. and now on to the first one...james i don't remember there being any monkeys in that. big disappointment really. anyway there are certain things that i think but do not say in certain situations because of the possible effects. mostly though i speak my mind, although i try to put things in a diplomatic way. sometimes. actually not very often.
@James72 (26829)
• Australia
5 Oct 09
If you want "articulate", take up painting!
• United States
5 Oct 09
I dont make a general habit of holding back my thoughts or opinions I may, however, reword my initial thoughts so they are less abrasive and more diplomatic that is unless the person has already raked my last nerve by attacking me or my friends or being rude to me or my friends and on THAT note - do you have an issue with my friend The_Lamb_Lies_Down?
@jb78000 (15164)
5 Oct 09
you not seen the bucket of mint sauce i carry around with me? don't be so silly - i like lamb.
• United States
5 Oct 09
you seemed to be getting a bit snippy with him above I hope there isnt a problem
@jb78000 (15164)
5 Oct 09
right - i'm sending you a f/r to explain wonttakelong - you can delete it straight afterwards if you want.
@artistry (4153)
• United States
5 Oct 09
...Hi jb78000. If you are trying to help someone with a problem that they are faced with, I would think that you would try not to attack, accuse or insult the person who has the problem. You try to modify your words, before you put them down on paper or the computer in this case, and after you modify them, reread them to see if they could be said more sensitively or clearly. I had an individual take an answer that I gave very personally, when it was not meant to be personal at all. But they gave me a bit of sage advice, they told me to use the word one in the place of you, which I try to remember. As things that you are speaking of in general, can be misinterpreted in some cases. I do think that you need to be direct, but aware of how your answers will be taken, and do the best you can, to not cause intentional harm. Take care.
@jb78000 (15164)
5 Oct 09
well misunderstandings do happen. we've already had one here - best thing to do is clear them up as quickly as possible. can't say that i'd replace you with one because that sounds a bit prentious to me.
@thea09 (18319)
• Greece
5 Oct 09
The rabbit only said that because she knew I was the one. I like to use one and it isn't pretentious at all jb, it avoids confusion sometimes. Artistry you didn't offend one at all you know, I leave that to the blue bunny here.
@jb78000 (15164)
5 Oct 09
ok. i know some other people that use it too and it sounds fine. it feels pretentious if i use it though.
@ZephyrSun (7385)
• United States
5 Oct 09
I try to be nice at first but, if someone starts in on me I let them have it right back.
@jb78000 (15164)
5 Oct 09
well if they are launching into you then that is what they deserve. i imagine you still retain some standards though [excepting the times you have called me a poo-head of course]
@ZephyrSun (7385)
• United States
5 Oct 09
Oh my gawd I was kidding LOL
@jb78000 (15164)
5 Oct 09
oh. you know when i called you a stinky plop face i wasn't...
• Australia
5 Oct 09
I have come across two cases just tonight of a commenter calling a poster an idiot - the same commenter in both cases. While my initial reaction might be to THINK the person a fool, I would never post it. I would either leave the discussion or couch my response respectfully, but truthfully. I arrived on myLot quite by accident more than 3 years ago while searching for some information. One of the results was a discussion here: someone espousing an idea which was completely the opposite of what I believe. I joined myLot so I could reply. We engaged in many very lengthy discussions/debates, at totally opposite viewpoints, but there was never a harsh word. On the contrary, all was with great respect and we became very firm friends, both here and via email when we left here two years ago. There is never an excuse for belittling a person. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion and their right to express it - but with respect.
@jb78000 (15164)
5 Oct 09
here's a quick test to tell whether or not you yourself are an idiot: how many times have you called someone else either stupid or an idiot to their face in the last month?: 0-5 = you're not an idiot 5-10 = could be borderline, depends on circumstances 10+ = you are without a doubt a cretin
• United States
5 Oct 09
Does calling your spouse an idiot count?
@jb78000 (15164)
5 Oct 09
if a husband no. if a wife yes.
• United States
5 Oct 09
Well, I try to be honest, but I also try to be respectful and hold back. There are some things that get me heated up, but I try to state my opinion in a respectful way, although I think you can sometimes read the sarcasm, as it still comes across in my words. If I am really unsure and worried about how things will sound, then I try to run them by somebody before I post them just to make sure. I know, that sounds a little paranoid, but I would rather be that than to hurt somebody's feelings unintentionally. I really do not enjoy hurting other people's feelings, but I do at times feel the need to speak out when I think that other people are being rude and potentially hurtful to somebody else.
@jb78000 (15164)
5 Oct 09
same here - and i suspect the same thing about sarcasm leaking through.
@James72 (26829)
• Australia
5 Oct 09
Wankers.
• United States
5 Oct 09
@sunny68 (1327)
• India
6 Oct 09
i do hold back for the moment....and wait for the opportune moment.
@jb78000 (15164)
6 Oct 09
@sunny68 (1327)
• India
7 Oct 09
@celticeagle (122886)
• Boise, Idaho
7 Oct 09
I think is one great use for humor. If something is said with a humorous refrane to it it is usually taken alot less crusially and seriously than if it is just off the cuff. I am an outspoken person but I also have sensitivity to others feelings and try to see things from the other person's standpoint as much as I can. If I am something alittle heated then I am more apt to just say whatever pops into my head but I try to think first and be tactful as well. Try! Doesn't always work! But, we are all only human.
@jb78000 (15164)
7 Oct 09
this is very true celticeagle
• United States
5 Oct 09
I tend to be of the "if you can't say anything nice, then don't say anything at all" ilk....particularly online when talking with people that i don't really know..and i don't know all the details of the situation. i try not to out right tell someone they are wrong...or tell someone they are stupid for beleiveing something they believe, as this is just rude..and who am I to judge someones beleifs. I will how ever state my opinion or beleifs on a topic, with out trying to blittle another persons. Sometimes i will even play devils advocate and give reasons supporting an oposing view, even if i agree with them, just to try and make the person think a little bit about what they think, but never in a way that will make them feel stupid or foolish for saying what they believe. Unless i know the person that is LoL....then i might tease a bit, but only if i am sure the person will understand that i am teasing. I am the same way in my relationships with people off the interwebz as well. If someone is talking about something or asking advice on something, i am not going to judge them and tell them they are stupid etc... even if i don't agree with what thy are saying, but when it comes to close friends having discussions or asking for advice, i am more prone to share my true feelings and thoughts, as i knw that they will respect me for mine as i respect them for theirs.
@jb78000 (15164)
6 Oct 09
so you don't go around telling people that they are stupid for thinking a certian way? goodness no wonder you stay out of the politics section here - you would not fit in well at all. and yes online it is very easy to be misunderstood - in this very discussion i have been misunderstood at least once (i suspect to a degree twice but never mind) - i try to tone down the sarcasm a bit with people i haven't encountered very often but it probably comes through anyway. i have certain real life friends that i can say pretty much anything to but i also have some that i am always a bit more careful with.
@Mickie30 (2631)
5 Oct 09
I tend to say what I feel and speak my thoughts and opinions. Although I do not like hurting people so I tend to think over what I say and reword it to something nicer.
@jb78000 (15164)
6 Oct 09
that's called using a bit of diplomacy - good for you.
@Hatley (164282)
• Garden Grove, California
5 Oct 09
hi jb No I sort of weigh what I say first as its so easy to just pop out something that may hurt the other person , and words are so hard to take back once spoken a loud. the old stupid saw about sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me,is just what I said,a stupid old saw. It is not true and never was. Words can indeed hurt and those are scars' that we don't show but they are there. "She's so bashful" I heard that over and over from my dad as a little kid and it hurt because the adults would all look so disgusted'and frown when they said that. so I figured it was something really bad of me, and it was only years later I learned bashful is just a silly word for shy. And now days a lot of people prefer shy to someone who doesn't know when to stop talking.
@jb78000 (15164)
6 Oct 09
that would come from the 'great manual of dreadful parenting' under the 'how to make a shy child feel shyer' section. sorry to have heard that - i've seen people in action who have no idea how sensitive children can be. i suppose perhaps the only good thing about this is that you are now a thoughtful person yourself hatley.
@miamilady (4924)
• United States
5 Oct 09
Yes, I am very aware that the things I say can have a huge affect on others that I may not even be able to imagine. I've had off-handed things said to me that have hurt deeply. Some people pride themselves on being "outspoken" and "honest". Sometimes (not always) I think they used that as an excuse to be insensitive or even cruel. Yes, sometimes difficult things need to be said, but there are plenty of times when some things are better left unsaid. Thanks for the great discussion!
@jb78000 (15164)
6 Oct 09
there are some people who interpret 'honest' as meaning 'saying whatever comes into my head without once thinking about how it might make others feel'. that's not being honest, that's called being thoughtless.
@dawnald (84074)
• Shingle Springs, California
5 Oct 09
Oh dear, that's it, no more wabbit stew jokes, bad Dawn.... I mostly hold back. It is possible to tick me off though. Yep it is and then I will sometimes say things I wouldn't have otherwise.
@dawnald (84074)
• Shingle Springs, California
5 Oct 09
OK you didn't piss me off today... FLASH
• Canada
5 Oct 09
It really depends on the person. Some people, I know would prefer the brutal honesty approach, where other friends of mine would take it really personally if you said something. Of course, if someone's being a real jerk about it, I might have to give them the 'I told you so' when it backfires.
@jb78000 (15164)
5 Oct 09
yes - some people are a little hypersensitive while others prefer straight talking. i prefer straight talking myself but have no problem with sugar coating what i say for some people.