Just got depressing news from my husband......

United States
October 8, 2009 11:31pm CST
He told me on tuesday that he wanted a divorce.... He has since taken a wait and see attitude towards it but he is also moodier than ever right now.... He says I have done nothing but make him miserable for the past 5 years we have been together.... He also said he thought is was on drugs because I have dark circles unuder my eyes and because I don't hold onto receipts when I buy gas etc... I have always been prone to getting these dark circles and have not been on drugs... I told him if he wanted he could get a drug test and I would take it to prove I am not on anything other than cigarettes.... I have gone from sad to angry and back and forth so much in the past couple days because some of the things he said to me have hurt me so deeply I don't know that I can ever look at him the same.... He was very hurtful towards me and on top of it all he regrets nothing he said! He said he will say it again and again if he feels I deserve it.... I don't want to lose him because I do love him but at the same time I don't want to live like this! Any advice out there?
10 people like this
14 responses
• United States
9 Oct 09
I have never been married, but I recently, like in the last month, got out of a 2+ year relationship where he constantly wanted to leave me because of so many various things that i did wrong according to him. It hurts so bad to have the person that you love question and put you down like that. So I know how you feel, and I hung on for so long because I didn't want to lose the love, but finally, I just couldn't do it anymore. You deserve better, you do not deserve a man that is going to treat you so questionably and off of something so flimsy. Dark eyes and no gas receipts is not an excuse to be hurtful and threaten to leave you. From your pic, I assume you have children, and I know that complicates things, but my advice is do not give into his emotional assault on you, you have done nothing wrong and tell him that if he wants to leave, so be it, because you are a strong and beautiful woman and if he cannot appreciate that, then that is HIS fault, and not yours. Don't let him walk over you like that.
2 people like this
• United States
10 Oct 09
My marriage ended in a similar way. Luckily we didn't have children. We had moved to another city for his job, and when he told me I should move back home I was devestated. I tried everything, and cried a lot, but nothing changed his mind. I had a home with a tenant in it, so I had to wait till the lease was up before I could leave. I secretly hoped he'd change his mind in the meantime. The 5 months I stayed there were miserable. It was very strange, we tried to act like nothing was wrong, but it obviously was. I wanted to go to counciling and he refused. He was never abusive, and we parted on good terms, but some of the things he said he felt were very hurtful. A few months later he started seeing one of his employees my "friend". He could have been seeing her all along, I'm not sure, but I know he was attracted to her when we were together. it was a nightmare, but it turned out to be for the best. I really like it here better, all my friends and family are here, and his family is here also, whom I stayed on good terms with. I guess what I am trying to say is, I know the pain your going thru now, but it will be better in the end. You deserve to be happy and you won't be if he doesn't want to be with you. Having kids makes it more difficult I'm sure, if only because you'll always be in contact with him. They deserve a childhood were their parents aren't always fighting, and hurting one another. I feel for you, but you will get thru this in time. I know that doesn't help much but it's true.
@Hatley (164229)
• Garden Grove, California
9 Oct 09
I cannot for the life of me see how you can love him 'after the way he has treated you. He mistreats you if he thinks you deserve it.he fits the pattern of a man who becomes a wife batterer. I would file for divorce and get this over with. He is wanting out so let him get the hell out and let you find a man who will love you the way you are,unconditional love for you with all your good points and bad points. Let him find the woman who will put up with his critical manner, you don't deserve to be treated like this,you did nothing wrong.
• Philippines
9 Oct 09
i agree. i would surely be hurt and sad about that. i did not do anything to deserve that. if talks don't come successful, what is the use of living together with him when it only makes u sad and lonely and hurt? (we don't have divorce laws here and it would be hard here if that comes to me. i could go for legal separation though if the reasons are justified in court.)
@daliaj (5683)
• India
9 Oct 09
It is a sad situation. I am sorry for you. You can have an open conversation with your husband and tell him that you still love him. Please be patient enough to her whatever he has in mind against you and camly reply to it. If you are ready to change some of your habits for him. Please let him know about it. After listening to it, I am thinking about how I am behaving to my husband.
1 person likes this
@ladym33 (10990)
• United States
10 Oct 09
That would be very hurtful. It sounds like he is trying to make you feel bad to feel better about himself. If he belittles you then it gives him an excuse to do what he wants. Have you asked him if he is having an affair? I am not saying that he is but usually when someone becomes really critical like that they are having and affair or are considering having an affair. If that is not the case then he is just a mean verbally abusive jerk. See if he will be willing to go to counceling and try to work out your issues. Find out if he still loves you. Try to work it through but if he proceeds agree to a seperation maybe time away will help him realize what he is giving up. But you need to get down to the true root of his anger and find out the truth of why he is acting this way. Then determin if it is possible to save things or not. I wish you all the best and I am truly sorry you are going through this.
• United States
10 Oct 09
I have a lot of thinking to do.....
@KrauseHome (36748)
• United States
16 Oct 09
Personally I would think that you are way better off without him. For him to ever tell you things like this, and accuse you of things you have not done, this is uncalled for, and personally sounds like he has some issues within himself or is interested in someone else, and blaming everything on you. In reality this is very downgrading for someone to say and sounds a little immature for sure. Wishing you the Best.
@subha12 (18452)
• India
12 Oct 09
I think why should you just withstand this pain? He has no right to be hurtful to you are behave in this matter. I think its better to come out of this if he does not changes.
@vikkiz (519)
10 Oct 09
Take the divorce!!!! and sling him out on his backside!!!! Cant you see he is playing with you??? he is emotionally draining you making you think you need him!!! If he really wanted a divorce he would have left by now and he would have filed for divorce with his solicitor, He is playing you girl!!!! Gte a back bone and stand up to him!! He is pyscologicly stuffing your head up and i know to well as ive been there myself!! I know at the moment it feels like you cant live without him!, you blame yourself for his behaviour, you think you wont find anyone else?? bet im right arnt i??? Well heres the truth yes if he leaves ( or you get the balls to kick him out!) you will feel down and depressed and youll even think about texting/phoning/emailing him???but DONT because believe me it gets easier and you will find someone else and that someone else will love you and treat you like a princess!! If you havnt done anything wrong for your husband to be treating you like this then the simple solution is he is abusing you! mabe not physically but emotionally and he knows exactly what hes doing!!!Please please for the sake of your own sanity GET OUT NOW!!!! it was the best thing i ever did!!!
• Pakistan
9 Oct 09
I think you should try to put everything behind you and move on with your life. He don't care for you and that's the truth. He is only blamming you to satisfy his inner self to prove what he is doing is right. Marriage is about being together in every up and down in life but if one try to get out of it in low times, then he is not worth living with
@dawnald (84075)
• Shingle Springs, California
9 Oct 09
It almost sounds like he's making excuses. You can't make somebody love you. I would back way off the relationship, maybe get some counseling and see what he decides. I'm so sorry...
• United States
9 Oct 09
It sounds to me like you maybe having financial difficulties and maybe the best thing right now is marriage counseling.
@TrvlArrngr (4051)
• United States
9 Oct 09
I am sorry for you. It must be devasting. Even if things are not going well - divorce is always miserable. Maybe he would agree to marital counseling?
@mikeysmom (2091)
• United States
9 Oct 09
i hate to be blunt but it seems he has said everything but what is really going on here and that is that he does not love you. he is putting all the blame on you and you are falling for it. he is the one that is miserable and he wants out of the relationship but does not have the guts to be honest and just say what is really going on. he most likely already has someone else on the side. do yourself a favor and do not "wait and see" what he is going to do and make plans to move on with your life.
@bounce58 (17451)
• Canada
9 Oct 09
I could be naive, but would space be a good remedy at this time? Maybe you just need time away from each other? Granted that this may just make things worse, but at this time what have you got to loose? I think a time off would help clear things. Clear your mind, clear your heart. Here's hoping that things work out for you.
• China
9 Oct 09
hello aithne, I am really sorry for your experience. Obviously he does not love you any more, and he hurts you like that, why do you still want to stick to someone like that? You won't be happy if you always stay in such an situation, and maybe he won't be happy to. so I think it is better that you live happily seperately than living unhappy together. how do you think ??