Partners who go off the deep end...how do you deal with it?
By spalladino
@spalladino (17891)
United States
October 14, 2009 7:02pm CST
Some of you may know that my husband is a Viet Nam vet who has PTSD. He's on various medications that keep his mood level and, for the most part, he's okay and a good husband.
But, then there's lately. His grown daughter and her family are having some serious problems. Her husband is abusive and we only learned about this a few months ago when our 15 year old grandson ran away and ended up down here in Florida. We were forced to send him back and he does have a lot of support from his CPS caseworker who talks to him weekly and the staff at his school...and of course there's us. The police were all over the family while he was gone for reasons I won't go into now and the abuser is so afraid of going to jail that he's been a pretty mellow fella ever since.
So, on Thursday the 15 year old took off again. His father didn't hit him...he yelled at him. His 18 year old sister took him in and she let us know what was going on. Unfortunately, this boy has issues and he was verbally abusive to his sister and kept leaving her house and returning all night long. Finally, my granddaughter called her mom and she came to pick the boy up. He was also verbally abusive to his mother and took off again almost immediately after returning home. So, for the past 24+ hours no one knew where he was.
My husband's reaction to all of this was to get angry and he's been taking it out on me...mostly because I won't let him do what he wants to do. He wants to go to Maryland and shoot the father. When I explained the situation to him, telling him that the father is not at fault this time and that the boy obviously has issues...I'm the bad wife. When I remind him that his daughter is an adult and that he can't chain her up and drag her back to Florida...I'm a bad wife.
This afternoon my step-daughter located her son and took him home. They had a good talk and he agrees that he has anger issues among other things and is willing to go into counseling, which she has set up for tomorrow morning. I was very relieved to hear this but was my husband? No, he's still angry. According to him, he's a prisoner in his own home because he still wants to go up there and "straighten everyone out"...it's his "right as a father" to do this and I obviously don't give a damn about him because I don't support this action. Not that I'm actually keeping him a prisoner. He has a truck and two motorcycles so he could very easily leave if he wanted to. But, he doesn't really want to...he just wants to be mad...and to take it out on the safest target...me.
So, for the past few hours he's been either in the bedroom or in his home office and, whichever room he goes into, he slams the door. I've been doing some slamming of my own...subtle messages that he needs to stop messing with me. I TRY to be patient with him because he does have problems and he doesn't deal with stress very well but sometimes it's too much for me to take. If anyone else out there has to deal with a similar drama queen/king...how do you do it? When he's over his tantrum, he'll act like nothing ever happened but I'm MADDDDD!!!
4 people like this
8 responses
@camomom (7535)
• United States
15 Oct 09
I really have no suggestions but wanted to show my support. I think you are reacting just like I would. You ARE being the GOOD wife. Just hang in there. Eventually, he'll realize that he was wrong and you were right. Like you said, if he really wanted to go, he would. I'm sorry that you're going through all this. *HUGS*
1 person likes this
@spalladino (17891)
• United States
15 Oct 09
Thanks camomom...I needed that hug! I guess I was just venting and your response made me feel a lot better. One of the things my husband appreciates about me is that I understand him so well...but right now I'd like to wack him in the head with a frying pan! 
1 person likes this
@camomom (7535)
• United States
15 Oct 09
I'm glad I helped. I know how you feel, Been there in the past. Things will get better.
@dragon54u (31636)
• United States
15 Oct 09
I understand how he feels but what would happen if you let him go? He would probably drive a couple hundred miles then realize that it was no way to solve things. You're making the decision for him and robbing him of that macho thing--he can act on his desire for justice, go for it, then decide for himself that it's not the solution. Then he could come home to a "worried" wife and console her. Men are like that, they need control. They usually talk a big game but when it comes down to acting on it, they see reason.
Apologize to him, that's not hard and it'll save you days of stress. After that, state your opinion but let him control his own actions. He'll more than likely end up doing the right thing.
@spalladino (17891)
• United States
15 Oct 09
The problem with him, and I don't know if it's the PTSD or middle child syndrone, is that he will definitely go all the way to Maryland instead of turning around and eating crow as he puts it. He never admits that he's wrong when he's in a state like this. As I said though, if he really wanted to go he can go...I'm not blocking the door. He just wants a reason not to go and I truly believe that inside he's relieved that I'm not packing my bags and agreeing that we need to go up there.
@spalladino (17891)
• United States
11 Nov 09
Hi Laurie! Fortunately, after a night's sleep my husband was better able to deal with his emotions about this. And was walking on eggshells for a little bit when we first got up since he wasn't sure how mad I was. It's so hard when you know that your daughter and grandchildren are going through hell...I have daughters, too...and I told him that I wasn't mad anymore. My husband doesn't have anger issues...his problems are mainly anxiety and depression...and he is being seen regularly by a psychiatrist who he's seen since all of the trouble up in Maryland came out. Because this situation is a definite stressor his doctor told him that he can call if he needs to talk and he will return his call the same day if he's busy with a patient. The bad thing is that my step-daughter is hiding things from us now. Her daughter, who is 18 and out of the house, tells me what she doesn't and, while the physical abuse has stopped, the mental abuse continues. As far as my husband goes though, I'm letting him believe his daughter. It's easier on him that way.
@Laurie1986 (384)
• United States
2 Nov 09
And what if he doesn't see reason? You're talking about men in general, not men with PTSD and serious anger issues. If he is in a prolonged state of disturbed thinking, then his "heat of the moment" is going last much longer than the typical moment. It might be long enough to drive there and do something he'll later regret--once you shoot somebody, you can't take it back. She's doing the right thing by discouraging him from going. From what I understand of the problems he has, if she calls his bluff it could seriously backfire. You don't do that with the mentally ill.
spalladino, I am so sorry you're going through this. Has he tried counseling or anger management classes? I know it's tough to get him to see reason right now, but after the tantrum is over and he's back to himself, maybe you could try explaining what happened (if he's in a really bad state he might not even remember, which may explain why he acts as if nothing happened) and how much he hurt you, and maybe you could convince him to go.
@ZephyrSun (7381)
• United States
15 Oct 09
Your last sentence is just like me and my husband. Although he doesn't have PTSD, he does think that when his tantrum is over that everything is fine. I'm starting to think men are just babies but, with your husband it has to be different because he actually has an issue. I don't know how you deal with it but, it must be extremely hard.
@spalladino (17891)
• United States
15 Oct 09
Hi Zeph! If he was like this more often I wouldn't deal with it but, normally, he's very stable and his mood is good. Believe me, his doctor and I have worked hard to bring him to a place where his general mood is positive. He calls me a drill sargeant when it comes to his meds because, no matter what, he takes what he's supposed to take when he's supposed to take it.
@ZephyrSun (7381)
• United States
16 Oct 09
That's so good that he does take his meds. I must add that I'm sure it has to be very hard on him with his "little girl" in such a bad situation.
@paula27661 (15811)
• Australia
15 Oct 09
I have not experienced such a situation but I can relate to your husband going off the deep end because mine has bipolar disorder which he takes medication for and has regular visits with his psychiatrist. The reason I mentioned this is because I know what you mean when you say. “I try to be patient with him because he does have problems and he doesn't deal with stress very well but sometimes it's too much for me to take..."
It is all very well to make allowances for them because they have a problem but being with them is bloody hard too! You have analysed the situation quite accurately when you say that he just wants to be angry and to have someone to take it out on.
Men like to ‘fix’ things and get upset when they are unable to. I would let him be and if it gets too much I would get out for a while or stay elsewhere for a few days; that is how I have handled my husband’s ‘episodes’. Good luck spalladino...
@spalladino (17891)
• United States
15 Oct 09
Thanks Paula. He's in a better mood today but the problems his daughter's family are very stressful for him. He used to love hearing from his daughter and now he dreads her calls because it's either a problem or she's covering one up and he can hear it in her voice. You're entirely correct...he wants/needs to fix this situation and he can't.
1 person likes this
@paula27661 (15811)
• Australia
16 Oct 09
I'm glad he's better today, I hope he and your daughter resolve their problems although that may be too much to ask too soon! All the best...
@AngryKittyMSV (4317)
• United States
15 Oct 09
Kind of sounds like my dad when he was drinking. It's annoying AND frightening when this sort of thing happens. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this, I do feel for you. I don't really know what to tell you except to gently suggest after he cools off that perhaps the doctors may need to adjust his meds and maybe provide some valium or something to help him keep calm. Or better yet, provide YOU with some Valuim so it won't bother you when he acts up 
. OK, I know my attempt at humor is completely inappropriate but I hope you at least got half a smile out of it. If it were me, I'd either blow up and make everything 100 times worse (You know I CAN be really immature) but manage to do some sort of damage to him in the process, or I'd just try to avoid him for a while, you know, find a million stupid reasons to leave the house if I could.
I get the silent treatment from my hubs, and I actually hate that more than the drama and door slamming and holes in walls (and sometimes physical violence towards me) that I was accustomed to from the males in my family as I was growing up. At least with them I KNEW whether they were mad at ME or just in a bad mood. At home now I get the silent treatment and I have to really provoke him to find out what the hell the problem even IS, or use my new technique which is to pretend I don't notice or care that I'm being shut out and let him deal with whatever his crap is on his own even if it IS about me.
Anyway, I'm sorry I can't be more helpful, I hope he gets back to behaving like the guy you fell in love with again soon. If you are up to the challenge, it may be worth the effort and risk of more drama to bring up the fact that what he's doing to you isn't fair or right AFTER he's over his tantrum. I don't know him at all so I can't say whether it woudl be worth the trouble or just make things worse for you, but I', the type of person who has a hard time letting that kind of stuff go, even long after it's over. As long as I am hurt or upset, he will have no peace. Another of my many, many character flaws.
. OK, I know my attempt at humor is completely inappropriate but I hope you at least got half a smile out of it. If it were me, I'd either blow up and make everything 100 times worse (You know I CAN be really immature) but manage to do some sort of damage to him in the process, or I'd just try to avoid him for a while, you know, find a million stupid reasons to leave the house if I could.
I get the silent treatment from my hubs, and I actually hate that more than the drama and door slamming and holes in walls (and sometimes physical violence towards me) that I was accustomed to from the males in my family as I was growing up. At least with them I KNEW whether they were mad at ME or just in a bad mood. At home now I get the silent treatment and I have to really provoke him to find out what the hell the problem even IS, or use my new technique which is to pretend I don't notice or care that I'm being shut out and let him deal with whatever his crap is on his own even if it IS about me.
Anyway, I'm sorry I can't be more helpful, I hope he gets back to behaving like the guy you fell in love with again soon. If you are up to the challenge, it may be worth the effort and risk of more drama to bring up the fact that what he's doing to you isn't fair or right AFTER he's over his tantrum. I don't know him at all so I can't say whether it woudl be worth the trouble or just make things worse for you, but I', the type of person who has a hard time letting that kind of stuff go, even long after it's over. As long as I am hurt or upset, he will have no peace. Another of my many, many character flaws. @spalladino (17891)
• United States
15 Oct 09
LOL, I do the silent treatment, too...and I don't look at him AT ALL when I'm upset with him. It's like I'm not acknowledging his existance on this Earth. He's already on wellbutrin and clonazepam (same as valium) so I suggested earlier that he take one. He basically told me that I had no idea what I was talking about...that I'm not a doctor (Yes I am!) but he took one anyway and he's calmer now. I'm going to talk to him tomorrow when he's calmer. I had already told him that I was going to tell his daughter not to let us know what's going on up there anymore and his response was to say that he was going to call her and tell her that...and then he threw his cell phone off of the deck. So, now it's in the yard somewhere...good thing we're not expecting rain because I'm NOT looking for it. I guess the clonazepam helped because he's back in the office putting Harley parts on Ebay. I'm watching them appear on his page from here. (Sneaky, aren't I?)
As far as his meds go, I'm going to really tick him off when we see his psychiatrist in November because he's been skipping is prozac and I can tell that it's not a good idea. He takes it at night and he's up and down all night long. He's also on ritalin, believe it or not, because the wellbutrin makes him tired and he's been skipping the afternoon dose so he's tired and cranky in the evenings. I'm going to rat him out about that, too, and suggest he switch to the sustained released version. His meds are the one thing he depends on me for. He can't tell how he's doing but I can and I do speak up when we're at the V.A. You know me, I'm no shrinking violet. I'm going to tell him tomorrow that, if he can't take the stresses of life without taking it out on me, then I'll start keeping things from him. I can easily manage to take calls without him knowing anything that's going on. I also sicked his little brother on him but he doesn't know it yet. Earlier, when I was seriously ticked off, my sister-in-law called and I told her what was going on and that I was seriously irritated with him. She said that David will stop by tomorrow to "talk some sense into him". You have been helpful, Mare, so don't think that you haven't. Just being able to rant a bit on here and getting some responses from some folks who care helped. If I had called my best friend in Maryland she would have already charged a plane ticket up there and that's not what I want. Most of the time he's a good guy and there are a lot of folks down here who think he fooled the V.A. because I have him so stable most of the time but then there are nights like this one when I want to shoot him and toss his lifeless body in the canal for the gators. My son-in-law pulled a five footer out of there last week so I know there's more who will take care of the evidence. LOL!
1 person likes this
@spalladino (17891)
• United States
15 Oct 09
Hi solared. He's being treated by a psychiatrist at the V.A. but he refuses to participate in any of their PTSD groups, which may actually give him some tools to deal with his frustrations.
@Hatley (163781)
• Garden Grove, California
2 Nov 09
hi well I would sit down and try to calmly tell him that you are also a human being and that sorry as you are for his post traumatic syndrome, do not take it out on you. if it gets worse get the two of you to a marriage counselor and get some much needed help. I have not had to deal with this but have seen others go through the same thing.
@spalladino (17891)
• United States
15 Oct 09
Thank you wolf. I greatly appreciate any support that I can get right now.
