choose love or reality?

China
November 12, 2009 12:06am CST
I am totally in a mess! i am a girl aged 23 and i have a boyfriend. firstly i should introduce my boyfriend, he is from northeasten part in China which is far from my home. He is not rich but has responsbility. I like him but my family do not allow us to be together. I know at least at this time, he is not a suitable husband but he is a fitful boyfriend who can give me happiness everyday. i don't know how to manage this. to stay with him or break up in order to find a boyfriend who is suitable for being a husband. to stand with him or agree to my parents? give me some advice please . thank you.
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20 responses
• United States
12 Nov 09
I guess first things first. How long have you been together? Is there potential? Do YOU love him and vise versa? Your still young, be sure about your options. Think about why your rents' don't like him...they tend to know what is best. Obviously in some cases that's not always true. G'luck I hope that helps some on your decision.
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@agv0419 (3027)
• Philippines
12 Nov 09
If you love each other I don't see any point why you end up your relationship. Sometimes parents are the hindrance for a relationship. I think your parents think if you and your boyfriend going to get married he can't support you and your family because he is poor. Your still young to think about marriage you need to enjoy your relationship as boyfriend and girlfriend for now. If that relationship going to get serious then consider marriage.
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• China
12 Nov 09
thank you very much. we love each other but marriage is vague for both of us. maybe i should enjoy the time we being together and do not think future, but i am 24 years old, i must think about my marrige. it is really a tough problem. i can give him up for my parents, in that case, i think i will be sad. if i continue to get together with him, i will hurt my parents. of course, now i still do not tell my parents. thank you again.
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• United States
12 Nov 09
this all on what you care about most if you really love him or you want someone who can support you if you want both but which do you want most think carefully about what you really want and chose carefully about it
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• China
12 Nov 09
thank you for your advice. both of them are really very important to me, so i am in dillema. all the same, you give me some reminds.
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• Sri Lanka
12 Nov 09
If you believe he is the one You should Go on with him , Also you should explain it to your parents... They shouldnt Like force you to marry some person they want .. Its your life & whom which you gona build your own home with So Its your choice. He did nothing to deserve a break up than loving you ? If you believe that he could build your life then in ma belief I dnt think you should break up ...
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@lindiebiz (1013)
• Canada
13 Nov 09
It all depends on you. You say he is not husband material but is boyfriend material. What do you want, a boyfriend or a husband. If you want a husband and you believe he does not fit who you want for a husband you have to say goodbye but if you want a boyfriend well, you got one.
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• China
13 Nov 09
hahah like a tongue twister. thank you my friend.
• United States
13 Nov 09
Firstly, you do not have to worry about getting married at all at 23. If you are not sure about which way to go with a relationship, do not commityourself to something that is for a lifetime. Give yourself a chance to find out who you are and what you really want. Your parents cannot decide who you marry, because itisyou who has to live the rest of your life. What is a 'suitable' husband anyway? Maybe when he is older he.would be husband material? Doe sit matter if he is.not rich? I would say responsibility is more important. My husband.is not rich but does work full time and supports us ok.
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• China
13 Nov 09
i envy you that you have a wonderful family and live a happy life. yes , you are right , do not judge a person so early. thank you my dear friend.
• Philippines
13 Nov 09
hi., if you really love him find a way to communicate with him, try to solve your problem both of you, try to talk to him and open up coz. if your inlove to each other you can find a way. you can already discission for both of your relationship. and try to explain to your parents why you go with your bf.
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• China
13 Nov 09
that will be necessary, thanks a lot my dear friend.
@GraceZ (6)
• China
13 Nov 09
It really depends on what you care about most.I'm also from China.I know the reality sometimes is cruel.Parents always want their children to live a good life.I believe real love is more important.If you really love him,stay wiht him and you'll be happy.
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• China
13 Nov 09
yea, that is my first idea. heheh thank you my friend.
• China
13 Nov 09
Hi lynnzheng Have a nice day! Your parents love you very much,they hope you have rich and happiness life,and sometimes they thought money is important.but life belongs to you,if you love eachother and have the perfect plan for you two future,i think you can choose love and reality.i'm in dilemma two,but my friend in Beijing,i am in SZ,so we also make a desion ^ Good luch for you!
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• China
13 Nov 09
thank you very much for your kind reply. and i hope you and your boyfriend can be together happily forever.
@msedge (4012)
• United States
12 Nov 09
love - Love is important in marriage.
Regarding this matter,only you and only you can decided for this.I am sure if you love each other and work for your future family then everything will be alright.The important is you both can provide a good and comfortable life for your own family.Educate the kids and give them a better future.Its not a matter of richness, its a matter of how he could handle responsibilities.
• China
13 Nov 09
yea, love is powerful. thanks my friend.
• United States
12 Nov 09
You should leave him. When you leave him explain to him that you need someone with husband qualities and explain what those are. If he truly loves you he'll go out and develop those qualities. If he doesn't you'll be better off and you'll find someone who is what you are looking for. When I got married it took very little time to know she was the one because I knew what I was looking for and I am what she wanted as well. We were morally clean and saved ourselves for each other until our eternal marriage in the Bountiful Temple, Bountiful, Utah. I will never forget that feeling and every time I look into her eyes it's like I'm reliving that moment all over again. It's not whether you agree with your parents or not. It's what is better for you. When it comes to marriage you need to be a little bit selfish but also willing to compromise. Be balanced. Marriage is forever and you need to find someone who has forever in mind. If he doesn't than I don't think he's ready yet.
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• China
13 Nov 09
this is an extreme way to takle the problem. lol. thank you my friend.
@verena (56)
• Indonesia
12 Nov 09
Maybe you just have to wait.. you can stay with your boyfriend while you try to convince your parents that you have the right decision. if you're sure that your boyfriend is the best for you, i am your parents will understand.
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• China
13 Nov 09
this is what i do now . thanks my friend. i just wait and see.
• Malaysia
12 Nov 09
Hi, Lynn! Is he the same age as yours? If yes, you both are still young. Like you said, he is not rich, but he is a responsible man. So, why not give your boyfriend a chance to prove and improve himself?? If you love him, give him moral support, but not leave him for another man, what for if you are not happy? You are only torturing yourself. There were many others who live in different countries and got married. So, if you are really serious about your relationship, this thing should not be in the way.
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• China
13 Nov 09
my dear friend, he is the same age as mine. you are right, we should both give us more time to prove or improve. you remind me that. thank you very much.
• Philippines
12 Nov 09
You need to consider the reality in making decision. You can still love and continue your relationship with that guy no matter what. But if you think that he is not a suitable husband then wait for the right time when can be suitable for you. Discuss this matter with your boyfriend so he will know what he needs to do. That is normal for your parents to disagree with a guy that they think cannot satisfy you. That's why it's guy's responsibility to prove himself to your family.
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• China
13 Nov 09
very reasonable reply. this is a way to solve the problem. thank you my dear friend.
• United States
12 Nov 09
Do you plan to stay with your parents for the rest of your life, or become one yourself someday? If this boyfreind isn't fitting for you, find another one who is. Usually When you really have found the right one, parents will eventually come around
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• China
13 Nov 09
yea, simple reply but useful, thank you my dear mrjburt164
• India
12 Nov 09
When you are in love God is not in your heart.You are in God's heart.So your decession is God's decession.First thing,listen to your heart.Listen to your soul.Most important thing is how much he loves you.Next,In love it is not important how much you love someone?Important thing is how much someone loves you.So take some time.Then make your decession.
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• China
13 Nov 09
lol, maybe this is a good question for myself. thank you my friend.
@jbfong88 (50)
• Philippines
12 Nov 09
It's all up to you girl, when you choose one better be sure, for marriage (or if you're up to it) is not like hot rice once you eat it you just can't spit it out. If you'll ask me, I'd go for the one my heart desires.. Love!
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• China
13 Nov 09
lol, haha you are so humorous my dear friend, in some degree, you are right.
• United States
12 Nov 09
you are the only one that can answer this question. have have to be a grownup and say am i going to live my life for my parents or am i going to do what i feel is right. but you also have to remember that you are young and that you still have time don't rush. i could tell you what i would do but like they say you get what you pay for. what i would do is stay with him if you love him and he loves you than money should not matter. yes it would be nice to have at some point in your life but it is not everything. like i said this is yourlife live it the way that makes you happy
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• China
13 Nov 09
thank you my friend. yes, the only right of decision is in my hand.
@doryvien (2293)
• United States
12 Nov 09
Hi Lynnzheng, Being young and in love is a wonderful feeling. However sometimes it makes you blind, or you prefer not to see the flaws of the person you love. If your parents think that this guy is not good for you, they must have a reason for saying so. Try to see things from their perspective, be rational and logical, and try to look into yourself honestly as well. Do you think you have a good relationship with this guy? Is he worth fighting for? If you are willing to defy your parents for this guy, do you think he'll do the same for you? Is he the kind of person you want to grow old with for the rest of your life? You decide.
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• China
13 Nov 09
dear doryvien, you just say out the point, thank you very much. i should consider this from all aspectives. thanks again
@msq516 (61)
• China
12 Nov 09
why do you think he is not a suitable husband? do you and your parents agree with each other at this point? love cann't mean everything. even at present when he gives you happiness every day, you are quite clear that he is not a suitable husband. take your parents' opinion and your feeling into great consideration before you make the final decision. good luck.
• China
13 Nov 09
thank you for your kind reply and i will consider that seriously.
@mohitseth (568)
• India
12 Nov 09
Love is good when you both are serious for each other.If you both are ready to sacrice your near and dear ones for each other then you must go for your boyfriend.If you have a little doubt in mind about your boyfriend or about your future then choose reality.you will able to forget him with time.dont worry.its time to take decision.happy mylotting.
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• China
12 Nov 09
dear mohitseth, thanks a lot for your advice. actually we have lots of differences such as educational background, group background even love background. we just know each other for several months which means i should know more about him and then make a decision. you know if i give him up now i will be very sad. So i did not tell my parents, i do not know this is right or wrong? thank you again.
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@skysuccess (8880)
• Singapore
13 Nov 09
lynnzheng, First of all, can you clarify what you mean when you say that your boyfriend is not rich but has responsibility? What responsibility? Is he married? Second, what is it that your family is unhappy about him? Is it because he is poor? Or, he is married. I am sorry but your mentioning of him being not husband material just sort of confirm my suspicion here that he is already married. And if this is the case, then I believe that you need to know where you are standing in a relationship with him. But before I go any further, I think I'd like to hear from you to clarify. I am just not comfortable advising without clarity of your situation. So, let's hear it from you then.
• China
13 Nov 09
thank you first my dear friend. he has not get married. he is not rich but has responsbility which i mean that although now he is not rich, he work hard everyday for future. my parents disgree because we live in different palces and very far from each other and i graduate from university but he does not and so on. i am looking forward to your further advices. thank you again.
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• Singapore
13 Nov 09
lynnzheng, Your action will beget consequence to your own action and this relationship. If you are clear about your own definition of how you see this friendship, being a good friend is merely being a good friend. But if you are always within the grey area, you are just making things difficult for yourself and him as you will probably resort to hot-cold treatment to ease the intention. That per se creates misery for the both of you. It is not the perimeters that the world has set for what defines a friendship or relationship, rather, it's your self understanding that will enlighten you on the underlying rationale. Everything MUST come from within - if the acceptance is not genuine from your inner self, the top-to-down demands issued by your mind will not be assimilated into motivation to change your circumstances. Basically you are only trying to dissolve this crisis through artificial pressure, but if it ever hits your breaking point, you will probably implode, especially when you are caught simultaneously in a low emotional state. Learn to know yourself. Speak to someone else you are comfortable with (probably not within your social circle and boyfriend if you fear words might go around) and release some of these closet thoughts. You might actually feel better and discover more about yourself and learn to make better judgment. However, one can only hope to dissolve a karmic relationship through cultivated wisdom and higher realization. Thus the understanding of the essence of Love truly transcends all state because Love per se is pristine - just that our decision in life often draw us towards complication. Sometimes, we live in false dreams; gazing at the surrealistic serial dramas, yet we consciously know at the back of our head that this is not exactly something possible. But we still hold onto a deluded possibility that things might just happen for the weirdest of reasons. Even so, will that bring you real fulfillment? Or more pain and suffering? You got to internalize these questions inside and appease your forbidden love from rebelling. A child will not willingly eat her veggies unless her mother forced it upon her. But there is only so much a mother can do to make her child eat those greens. It would be a whole lot easier if the child understand the importance of eating vegetables and have her accept it as part of her diet from a young age. You are the child. Think about it.