I'm living my mother's life...
By lidiam84
@lidiam84 (151)
Netherlands
November 14, 2009 10:49am CST
Just this morning I woke up and I realized that I am living my mother's life.
My boyfriend is probably the most unromantic person I have ever met. When we first met he lavished me with words and pretty things and now it's all gone.
This year he forgot Valentines day and didn't give me anything until maybe 2 months later saying he was sorry.
Our 1 year anniversary was November 2nd and I'm pretty sure he forgot because when I asked him (november 2nd midnight) if he got me anything he said he had to pick it up the next morning (november 2nd morning) because he asked the place to keep it for him because he didn't want me to find it. At first I thought to myself... "wow, is it gonna be a HUGE present?" In the end it turned out to be just an necklace which I seriously don't know how he could have thought that I would like. It probably would have been the ugliest thing there and probably cheap. I'm not even worth an expensive gift.
Now tomorrow is my birthday. I didn't mention anything because I was waiting to see if he would remember on his own. But last night we had a fight and I blurred it out. I said "do you even remember what Sunday is?". He said "ugh, of course I do".
I've been asking him for two weeks now to please go cut your hair. I like it when he has short hair. Suddenly after asking him if he remembered what Sunday was, he said he had to go to Tilburg to visit his teacher because he wanted to get a deeper explanation on a term he's not understanding.
I do know, his favorite barber shop is in Tilburg. It's 5:40pm and it gets dark early around this time of year, and he hasn't gotten home yet.
I wonder if he went to cut his hair... or maybe when I said that he suddenly remembered and now he went to get me a gift.
I'm now living my mothers life because my father was also liked this.
I lived with a family who never cared to celebrate anniversaries, nor did they celebrate their own b-day, instead they celebrated the ones of their children. My father never remembered their wedding anniversary nor my mother's b-day.
I'm a very passionate person and when it's a special occasion I celebrate it large with the one I love. I throw him a party, I buy him presents I know he wanted and he would like. I would take my time and look for the perfect gift.
I'm busy reading "Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus" and in it Dr. Grey mentiones... "giving too much is tyring"... and yes... I am tired of giving and not recieving. I am worthy of being loved and be showed that I am loved...
I guess shouldn't forget to mention that I am 4 years older than my partner. He's 21 and I am turning 25 tomorrow.
I gave up all my life to come to Holland to live with him. I gave up my little nieces 1st birthday to follow a dream I had created in order to be with him. I never wanted to come study in Holland. I wanted to be with him....
I am living my mother's unhappy life...
Tell me... what do you guys think I should do? Do I deserve this?
6 people like this
9 responses
@mysdianait (66009)
• Italy
14 Nov 09
Hi lidiam!
I was saddened while reading your story. Saddened because you followed a dream but you are not happy. It sounds so similar to my past too. I followed my Prince Charming here to Italy and I thought I was the happoest person on this Earth at the beginning and I ignored the warning signs - just like you are dpoing too. Eighteen years later I could put up with the situation no longer as I was already going through a nervous breakdown caused by trying to make it work and make a negative situation suit me. If you are not happy doing something it will not work out right.
I guess that you have plans for the future too, more long term plans? If you are not sure and at all uncertain then don't go ahead and tie your life to a situation that you do not really enjoy living. Acting the part is not the same as living it fully and will ead to much unhappiness later 
1 person likes this
@mysdianait (66009)
• Italy
14 Nov 09
*blushes* there are lots of typos there - I am at work and this keyboard is not used to me 
1 person likes this
@mysdianait (66009)
• Italy
14 Nov 09
I don't want to sound like your mom but you are both so young...
I think that no-one can decide for you but once you start adding everything up and finding more negatives than positives you are going to have to make a decision. Whatever you decide will affect your future but it is surely better alone than in the wrong company?
Can you discuss things with him and tell him of your doubts without arguing?
2 people like this
@lidiam84 (151)
• Netherlands
14 Nov 09
yes Diana, I totally agree... I mean why would I wanna follow him if it makes me sad? Last night we had a fight cuz I asked him if I were in aruba and him in holland if he would look for someone else and he said.. MAYBE! can you believe that?? after a couple of answers back and forth he said... I thought you meant if we weren't together. If I were with you and you would be far away I would stay in love with you. Ugh... I just hate it...
1 person likes this
@lidiam84 (151)
• Netherlands
14 Nov 09
yes I totally agree... Some of our happiness is entirely up to us. Like I asked him to go see a movie and he said no and I didn't go see the movie. the movie now isn't available anymore so there you see that I could have just gone see it by myself and shouldn't have left his answer stop me. from doing what makes me happy...
2 people like this
@ElusiveButterfly (45939)
• United States
15 Nov 09
Only you can do what is best for you. Some people are willing to give up a lot in order to maintain a relationship. If you are not getting what you need out of a relationship it is time to make certain it is what you want before it goes to far. I wish you the best in whatever you may decide. Big huggers to you.
1 person likes this
@lidiam84 (151)
• Netherlands
16 Nov 09
Thank you! I made it very clear to him and he even cut his hair to look nice for my birthday. He promised he is going to change his ways and be more attentive. I guess what he needed was a shock so he can realize I'm not gonna be here for him like a furniture. Sometimes you just gotta be plain direct!
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85135)
• Shingle Springs, California
15 Nov 09
It sounds a lot like he's one of these guys who knows how to start a romance but not how to keep it going. Either that or his feelings are changing. He is very young, after all. You do have a right to be happy any more and it's possible that it won't be with him. Good luck.
1 person likes this
@lidiam84 (151)
• Netherlands
16 Nov 09
Thank you for the response. Yes I thought so too, that he maybe getting fed up with me. Thankfully he turned around and even cut his hair for my birthday. He said he wants to look nice for me. He also said he is going to try and be more attentive and understanding. We had a long talk and hopefully this will make him change.
1 person likes this
@purplealabaster (22094)
• United States
15 Nov 09
Unfortunately, this is an all too familiar story. If you do not think you deserve this, then you don't. If you do think that you deserve this, then I think you are wrong, because you don't. I think that you treat him the way that you would like to be treated, and if he does not appreciate, respect and love you enough to respond in kind, then he is not worthy of you. The fact that you say that you are living your mother's unhappy life says it all. Think about it.
I would definitely suggest talking to him quietly and respectfully but directly. What I mean is, you do not have to yell or argue, but be firm and stay on point with what you have to say. Do not let him distract you or make you feel bad for the way that you feel. They are your feelings, and you have a right not only to feel them but also to express them. If he does not feel the same way and has no desire to change, then I think that you have to seriously re-evaluate the relationship. Life is short, and if you are not happy, then correct the situation and find happiness, because we never know how long we have. Why waste our precious time being unhappy?
@mysdianait (66009)
• Italy
15 Nov 09
I wonder if the males in a relationship ever stop and evaluate the situation too or do they just plod on regardless assuming that all is well. This makes sad reading and our friend here should be so happy but it is so obvious that she is not and that is oh so saddening and she must sort this situation before it becomes too late to change it
1 person likes this
@purplealabaster (22094)
• United States
15 Nov 09
My first husband was content to plod along assuming that all was well. When I tried to talk to him about things, he just figured that I was over-reacting and things would settle down and my feelings of unhappiness would pass. They did not. He is a wonderful person and I still love him and we are still close, but I think he had quite the reality check when I moved on. Sadly, it was too late by then.
My current husband not only thinks about our relationship but also wants to talk about it. He never realized that people could be close after a divorce, and he loves the fact that my ex and I still get along great. In fact, he has become good friends with him, and they help each other out all the time. He wants to make our relationship the best that it can be, so we talk about things and try to work things out before they become an issue. I hope that our new friend here realizes that there are indeed men out there that are like this, and does not feel like she has to settle for somebody that does not make her happy.
@lidiam84 (151)
• Netherlands
16 Nov 09
Thank you Mrs. Purple and Mrs. Dianna, And yes what I did last night surely gave him a reality check that i don't NEED him and anytime I WANT I can leave. So if he wants me to stay he NEEDS to show it and make this environment a nice and pleasant place for me to WANT to stay in. Otherwise I am moving out because yes, THERE ARE far more better men on the list who are dying and waiting for me to be single!!
For now, those men will have to wait. And I'm going to silently wait and see how this goes. I talked enough, next time something happens again, I won't be talking... I will be walking!
1 person likes this
@abhikmjmdr (779)
• India
15 Nov 09
I think your partner has got too used to you and has begun to take you as a piece of furniture which is always there. What you need to do now is jog his memory somehow by showing him that he needs you and misses you when you are not there to take care of him and his needs.I think you should take a break and go away for sometime and see if this rekindles his desire for you when he finds he needs you and cannot do without you.
@abhikmjmdr (779)
• India
17 Nov 09
Thank you very much for the best response tag.I hope you have a very happy and prosperous life together.
@lidiam84 (151)
• Netherlands
16 Nov 09
I liked your response the best and marked it as best response because I actually did what you said. I went out and showed him I didn't need him. Being alone at night he began to feel very worried. When I came back home around 8AM he gave me a hug and said he was glad I was safe. The afternoon of my birthday he treated me like he NEVER did before and took me out to dinner. I only asked of him for this change not to fade. He said he's going to try and be a better person for me.
1 person likes this
@ladym33 (10979)
• United States
17 Nov 09
There is actually a big differece in maturity between 21 and 25 I think a lot of growing and maturing goes on in those few years. You have been able to be an adult for a few years now while he is still just becoming one. Also men are not mind readers, men are very bad about remembering things and they don't know what we want unless we tell them. You have only been together a year and it sounds like he has been very bad about remembering the special moments. He probably does not realize how important they are to you. You need to sit him down and tell him that you want to be spoiled on special occasions and you need to be spoiled on special occasions and to you these things equal caring and show you how much he cares about you and when he forgets it makes you feel like you are not special and cherished. Don't say it in a mean way, just use it as a moment to teach him about you. Then hopefully he will get it from then on. If he is nice to you and treats you nice on a regular basis then I think it is worth it to give him some time and education on how to treat you like a princess on those special days, but don't expect him to just know, he is a man after all.
@lidiam84 (151)
• Netherlands
17 Nov 09
WAW!, Thanks a lot for the response. Well he did in the end surprise me and took me to a restaurant which was very nice of him. He didn't give me any presents, that goes to show he did remember at the last moment but he treated me very nice on that day and I liked that the most.
I think you are completely right, he is younger and he is learning right now how to be like that and he is after all a man and so I can never expect him to feel or react about something like I would. I guess he just needs to learn.
Thank you for your advice!
@TickleMeBreathless (590)
• United States
16 Nov 09
First of all, Happy [Late?] Birthday!
I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. In my opinion though, you need to do what makes you happy in life. You thought it would make you happy to be with him, but now it's turning out not-so-good. So change it! Tell him openly how you feel, how it really bothers you that you put so much effort into his special occasions and he nearly always forgets yours. Tell him how important these occasions are to you, and how down it makes you feel when he blows them off, or gets you something last-minute. If he doesn't put some effort into remembering these things in the future, then I would leave to find something that does make you happy. You deserve to be happy, to escape the life your mother lived and find someone who thinks like you do, and puts as much effort into making you happy as you do into him.
I hope you had a good birthday, and that you can work this out!
@moondoll31 (48)
• India
15 Nov 09
you just described my life thru yours.what i think is when we were just going around he was scared where i might leave him and go so he'd try his level best to sweep me off my feet but as time went by and he knew i wont leave him he started relaxing and stop being so formal,its as if he was being himself but belive me guys are the least expressive types.deep down he does love me a lot but doesnt feel the need to show me know.thats the only difference.and after marriage i hardly get to speak to him.he goes in the morning comes by 8 at night has dinner watches a lil tv and then goes to bed cause he has to get up early.life has become so predictable and routine that i usually feel like banging my head to the wall for a change.oh well thats life for me.hail to internet coz of which i am alive.hehehe
@lidiam84 (151)
• Netherlands
16 Nov 09
I am so sorry to hear that Moondoll, and yes I guess all men are like that. I showed my boyfriend the other night that I didn't need him and so that made him realise he had to treat me better for me to stay here.
Biggest mistake we do is showing them that after they stop treating us nice we stayed anyways. That just affirmes his thought that he doesn't need to treat us nice anymore because we love them and would never leave them.
But we need to show them once in a while that we are not just furniture and we need attention too.
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