Had enough of the Domestic Violence & we separated!

@jennybianca (12912)
Australia
November 17, 2009 1:14am CST
This is the news that I am trying to make myself speak out about. I am a victim of Domestic Violence. Four weeks ago we separated. I had enough. I was completely devastated by the whole situation. My Doctor said I should have had a nervous breakdown. I even threatened suicide to my husband, 2 weeks before we separated. The DV had been going on for 2.5 years. Im fairly sure I wrote about it here. It was a case of physical, emotional & verbal violence. I have been to counselling at the DV centre. What truly upsets me is that my ex husband wont acknowledge any of it; he is in complete denial. He is trying to make out that everything is my fault. I loved him very much. He walks away as if he has no feeling at all. My daughter is much happier now. It was really stressing her out. In July of this year she was diagnosed with anxiety & depression. In one incident, she had to pull my husband off my neck (where he had his hands). Anyway, I'm a very strong person & Im finding ways to get along.
5 people like this
19 responses
@rg0205 (2638)
• Hong Kong
19 Nov 09
I am VERY proud to see a woman like yourself with the strength and courage to take herself and child away from such a horrible man. Apart from that, it is great that you are doing everything you can to get help. Such kind of traumatic experiences does leave its mark one way or another. I know because I grew up in a hostile environment. I know you are on the road to recovery and I wish you all the best.
3 people like this
@jennybianca (12912)
• Australia
20 Nov 09
Thank you for your very kind comments. HE is not making the separation easy either. Got an email I didnt like from him today. Im a bit stressed out about it & I might start a discussion about it tomorrow.
1 person likes this
@CatsandDogs (13964)
• United States
21 Nov 09
Domestic violence does not go away EVER unless the abuser wants to change but he/she needs to get help first however, that in itself is a rare occasion. Sad but very true. Another thing, most people don't get out in time to live to tell about it. I was almost one of those people for my boyfriend beat me almost daily. The last time he did me in, he broke bones and that was the end of it for I moved out and never looked back. I applaud you greatly for taking charge of your own life and saying NO MORE! Good for you Jenny!! Good for you!! Keep your chin up high because you have family and friends who love you dearly!
2 people like this
@jennybianca (12912)
• Australia
21 Nov 09
Yes, I understand from the Domestic Violence counsellors, that most abusers never change, because they wont acknowledge what they do. Very sad in my ex hubbies case, as he was a good person beforte all the temper/violence stuff began.
1 person likes this
@CatsandDogs (13964)
• United States
22 Nov 09
That's a control mechanism too, to be nice, sweet and so on to get you to fall for him and once you marry him, he gradually takes control and the real him comes out. Sad but oh so true. I'll be honest, I'm very concerned for you and your well being. By the sounds of this guy, he sounds very revengeful and mean and could very well come after you. Please be careful. I'd hate to hear you got hurt or worse.
2 people like this
@Drsunny21 (558)
• India
17 Nov 09
Sorry...But tht`s gud tht ur separated......I really feel bad when i hear all this......marriage,love are all important and i dont undrstand tht how people can do DV to his wife....please take care and mke sure tht ur daughter comes out of anxiety n depression....May God bless you.....
2 people like this
@jennybianca (12912)
• Australia
17 Nov 09
Thank You. My daughter is doing a lot better than myself. I guess for her, the loss is not so great.
• India
17 Nov 09
Your welcome....Please Take care....
1 person likes this
• United States
17 Nov 09
You should be very proud of yourself for getting out of that situation! There are so many woman that stay with a man like that for so long that they think they deserve it or end up getting killed. I'm very glad to hear that your daughter is doing better. I have anxiety and it is not a fun thing to live with. How old is she? It's nice to see someone who has been in that situation stand up and speak out. You said that your husband acts like nothing ever happend. Not to be nosey, but did you call the police, take pictures, or ever go to the doctor after any of the incidents? I'm not too knowledgeable in this because I have never been in a relationship like that, but my friend was. She ended up having to take in physical proof to prove she was being abused! I was so angry because the cops wouldn't listen to her. On the other hand, I had to deal with this one woman telling me she was abused for 13 1/2 years during her marriage, but didn't bring it up in the divorce. She had no proof and only started mentioning it 8 years later when her ex got remarried and her son said he loved his new step-mom. That woman was clearly (and proven later on) to be lying. I guess what my question is to you, is in your situation, will the cops only believe you and investigate it if there is proof? And are woman like the one I explained the reason for that?
1 person likes this
@jennybianca (12912)
• Australia
17 Nov 09
Yes, at one incident late last year the Police came. They took him away to a hotel & said he wasnt to approach me for 24 hours. He was back within 12 hours. Unknown to my husband, the police called me in the next day, & wanted me to lay charges. I wouldnt, as I couldnt see how that would save my marriage. They made it very clear to me that if ever they were called again, he would be arrested, they would lay charges & take out a restraining order. Ex hubby was not foolish enough to go quite that far again, although he came very close a couple of times this year. He is a Police Officer!! He just resorted to constant verbal & emotional abuse. The Doctor has reports for both myself & my daughter.
• United States
19 Nov 09
I'm so sorry to hear about all that you have been through. It is wonderful to hear that you are finally getting your life back. And he's a police officer?!? The ironic twist to that is, those are the kind of people who feel that they can get away with it. They take on the attiutude that if you were to call the police, those are their buddies, they aren't going to believe you over them. Just stay safe and keep your daughter safe!
1 person likes this
@jennybianca (12912)
• Australia
19 Nov 09
Yes, hes a police officer. I gather it is not uncommon for those in that profession to act inappropiately & thats putting it midly.
@zed_k4 (17619)
• Singapore
18 Nov 09
I really hope you and your daughter will be very happy always. Do take care of yourself, and I'm so sorry for what happened. I can only imagine how emotionally depressed you must have felt, and for you go pull through this; you are a very strong-willed lady. Do take extra care yeah. As long as you are with your daughter, everything will be fine.. don't worry.
@jennybianca (12912)
• Australia
18 Nov 09
Yes, I was and still am very depressed, but improving all the time. My daughter makes a big difference to my life. Thank you for your kind comments.
1 person likes this
@zed_k4 (17619)
• Singapore
19 Nov 09
Do take care yeah..and you are welcome.
1 person likes this
@byfaithonly (10715)
• United States
17 Nov 09
Oh dear I'm sorry to hear about this - the fact that this happened to begin with, not that you separated. Speaking from experience both you and your daughter will be much better off not living in that situation. No life won't be a bed of roses, there will be struggles but as you said you are a strong person and will come out even stronger, wiser, and happier. Will be keeping you in my thoughts and prayer - stand strong you don't deserve that sort of life or treatment.
@jennybianca (12912)
• Australia
18 Nov 09
I remember you as my friend too, Im so glad im back & that some of my friends are responding. My daughter is certainly better off & happier.
@byfaithonly (10715)
• United States
18 Nov 09
I know it's kinda fun when you've been away for a bit and meeting up with 'old friends' for a long time the most contact I had with the world was myLot, I am happy I actually stayed in touch with several of my mylot friends via email or other sites we also belong to... I'm sure you and your daughter will be better off in the long run pround of you for taking the step many women just put up with the abuse for years :)
1 person likes this
@zandi458 (28124)
• Malaysia
17 Nov 09
Looks like your marriage has broken down beyond repair. You have never shown any signs that you were having problems in your marriage. I thought all is well with you. I am no difference from you but am suffering in silence for fear of being a loner in my twilight years. He too often throw abusive words at me but I pretend not to hear them. My home has been a battlefield since the first year of our marriage. My husband is a great drinker and he gets abusive when he is drunk. It must be very painful to be separated when there is still love in your heart especially at our age. I hope when it is all over you will find happiness again. It is even hard for any women over 50 to separate , the fear of starting over, fear of the unknown, mistrust of men in general.
1 person likes this
@zandi458 (28124)
• Malaysia
17 Nov 09
Hi muscle4me, I wanted to leave many times but I could not pluck up enough courage to storm out of my house. Only when he is drunk he becomes a devil otherwise he acts saintly when he is sober. I will forget yesterday's episode when he is sober and remorseful. But since he drinks almost everyday, I have suffered long enough putting up in this roller coaster life for the past 27 years. I have not decided what next to do for the balance of my earthly existence.
1 person likes this
@jennybianca (12912)
• Australia
17 Nov 09
You should not be suffering in silence. I too, was afraid of being alone when I am much older. But I figured that I am still better off not with him, & being alone, than being constantly depressed & crying every day. The other respondant here is exactly right. Drinker wasnt so much the problem with my ex-husband, although it was known to aggravate things. He could be abusive when he was completely sober.
1 person likes this
@jacksong (130)
18 Nov 09
Dear jenny, It's so sad to hear your situation and suffering. And I am glad that you have helped yourself out there by seperating with your hubby, I know it must be a very difficult decision for you to make, you are a tough woman, god bless you. I have seen there are so many families are not so happy, they argue, they fight, they been abused. It's so a pity happened to the marriage which should have been a perfect happiness thing in ourlife. In short, the marriage is so important for all us. Maybe all this are fate, are the destiny. All my best wishes to you. Jack
1 person likes this
@jennybianca (12912)
• Australia
18 Nov 09
Thank you. Yes, to me marriage was very important, plus love & total commitment. I am very destroyed that it failed due to domestic violence.
• United States
17 Nov 09
Hey jenny I am so sorry to hear that. Am glad you were able to the right thing for yourself, even it took a little while. I am fortunate to have a boyfriend who treats me like a princess but I have seen a second person account of this happening. My best friend's ex was a mean guy. She left him with a lot of help and encouragement from us but not before being hurt too much (not physically) in the process. I am sure I don't know how you feel entirely, but I do understand how much courage it takes to do what you did. And please remember that such a person doesn't deserve your love. May God bless you & your daughter and give you peace, you are so entitled to!!
@jennybianca (12912)
• Australia
18 Nov 09
Thank you for for your kind comments. Its comments like that help me keep going, as I did love him & was devastated by the loss.
@mimiang (3769)
• Philippines
17 Nov 09
You had decided it well. It is time to build up your self respect and dignity. Love is not enough. His violence disrespects you.
1 person likes this
@jennybianca (12912)
• Australia
18 Nov 09
Yes, your disrespect comment is most relevant. Thank you for responding.
@cher913 (25859)
• Canada
17 Nov 09
wow, you are best to get out. i hope you do well for yourself and hope you take care of yourself and take time to heal. i hope you can talk to others who have been in the same situation as you have been.
1 person likes this
@jennybianca (12912)
• Australia
18 Nov 09
I went to the Domestic Violence centre for counselling. I dont know if they have a support group for people like me.
@GADHISUNU (2163)
• India
17 Nov 09
You must be complimented for your courage to get out of a painful relatioship despite the presence of love. You are also lucky you have your daughter on your side. What an impression about males your daughter would have!?! hope this experience doesn't traumatise her. All the best to weather it alone.
@jennybianca (12912)
• Australia
18 Nov 09
Yes, thats a good comment. My mother & myself had tried to emphasise to my daughter that not all men are like that.
@coffeeshot (3785)
• Australia
17 Nov 09
Wow Jenny I didn't know this was happening to you. The main thing is thank goodness you're out of there. It must be hard leaving your husband and father of your child but it's not doing you, him or your daughter any good staying around. I have no doubt having to deal with the house and other legalities is gooing to be mega stressful on you but keep reminding yourself that it is better than staying in the relationship. I am glad you are getting counselling and I hope that you regain your confidence and self worth if he took that away from you. From the sounds of it though you seem like a very strong woman so keep your head up and look forward to all the wonderful things that the future has to offer!
1 person likes this
• United States
17 Nov 09
Jenny I know how strong you can be and will survive this final step. No-one should have to suffer at the hands of their mate. I am so very sorry the situation affected your daughter but I pray that things will improve now for you and your daughter.
1 person likes this
@jennybianca (12912)
• Australia
17 Nov 09
Thank you Ray.I am moving forward bit by bit. I kept this secret from my family & friends for 2.5 years. Now I see no point on holding back on the truth. Domestic Violence is an evil curse in our society. He is being so difficult now, with ownership of belongings, etc, that I may well gradually not love him anymore.
@sukumar794 (5047)
• Thiruvananthapuram, India
17 Nov 09
Hope you would be out of this turmoil at the earliest. May God bless you.Be confident.
1 person likes this
@jennybianca (12912)
• Australia
17 Nov 09
It may take quite a while to be out of the turmoil, because we have to do property settelement & he has put a caveat on my home.
• Philippines
17 Nov 09
I'm sorry about what happened to you and your daughter. It's good that you eventually separated from your husband. Something worst than your daughter's depression and anxiety might happen to you if you continue enduring the violence. I hope that your daughter will get better soon. And i hope that you'd find real happiness...God Bless
@jennybianca (12912)
• Australia
17 Nov 09
Thank you. Yes, I could see that worse things could happen if I continued living with him. It was arible decision to make, but we had to separate.
@happy2512 (1266)
• Philippines
17 Nov 09
Just believe in yourself I know you are strong person.If you believe in God then believe in Him ask for strength & surely will be back to normal soon.
1 person likes this
@jennybianca (12912)
• Australia
17 Nov 09
I am a strong person & hope I will get through this. Thank you for responding.
• Philippines
17 Nov 09
To be honest, I am glad that you made a decision to stop the violence by separating from your partner. It must have been hard dealing with all the abuse from the one who's supposed to love you for what you are. Continue to go to counseling, and I hope he also will realize the wrongs he has done to you and seek counseling as well. Good luck and stay positive.
1 person likes this
@jennybianca (12912)
• Australia
17 Nov 09
I think there is no hope that he will realise that he has done wrong & get counselling. Apparently most perpetuators of DV dont want to recognise what they have done. Thank you for responding.
@Hatley (164167)
• Garden Grove, California
28 Nov 09
jennybianca I am so glad you had the common sense and courage to get out of that scene and it will be so much better for your daughter too. Some women feel trapped and stay too long and they lose their lives from that. I have always wondered what ungodly thing made men treat someone they once professed to love that way.I know from all I have read its a power play and they really think of their wives as belongings not as real people. I think the verbal and emotional abuse is even worse than the physical as wounds on the body heal but the internal wounds last for a long time I am sure. you are to be congratulated for being strong and working to free yourself and your daughter from DV.
1 person likes this