Gift advice sought....
By JodiLynn
@JodiLynn (1417)
United States
December 2, 2009 9:40am CST
My family is getting together later this month, at my house...Call it a Christmas or winter party, I don't much care, It's just another day to me. I don't decorate or have a tree. No tacky light displays. No wreath. I just want my family together for a day. ALL of us. Only one of my siblings has younger children (twins, age 10), We (the(2)Aunties & Nanny) gift the young kids, & envelope the older ones, anyone over 18 gets the gift of being together, nothing more.
My Dilemma:
My oldest daughter is in a relationship with a man that has two kids from a previous relationship. The kids are 10 & 2.They have been together for almost 2 years, as a family, sans wedding.
Not to be mean, but am I obligated to buy gifts for the kids, for a holiday I don't believe in or participate in? What about our extended families (My siblings and mother)? What is expected of them come x-mas? Are they supposed to buy gifts for children they've only seen a few times?
My thoughts were this: put together stocking for anyone under 10, with small $5 and under gifts and candies, not from anyone specifically.
My mom is all bent out of shape, she thinks the father will be mad if his kids aren't gifted. I say he shouldn't expect anything from anyone, And that she shouldn't worry about it.
What do you think we should do? Have you ever had a situation like this?
Where do step children or almost step children fit in with the extended families?
5 responses
@purplealabaster (22094)
• United States
2 Dec 09
Well, you asked for opinions, so I am going to give mine, but I don't think it is what you want to hear. I do not think it should matter whether or not they are married. If they have been living together as a family for an extended period of time, then they are family. That is just my opinion.
What does your daughter think about all this? I would think that it would hurt not only her partner's and his children's feelings but also her feelings, especially if she accepts them as part of her family. If that is not how they feel, though, then I guess it doesn't matter. However, if those children are not treated the same as the other children at the party, then they will be hurt, and I do not think that is right. They are children and have no choice in whether or not the adults are married, and it sounds like if they were married then there would not be as much indecision. If you really do not have the money and do not want to do the same for them as the other children, then why don't you do for the other children at a different time. This will not spare your daughter's or her partner's feelings, especially if they find out and have a problem with it, but it will spare the children's feelings, which is more important.
Yes, I have been in this situation. No, I do not feel that excluding any child is right. Yes, it is very hurtful to the children. I have seen it first hand from the looks on their faces. Yes, I wanted to take the adults and shake them and ask them how they could hurt a child's feelings like that. After that, I always brought extra "gender neutral" gifts just in case anybody was that inconsiderate again, because the hurt look on the chilren's faces just about broke my heart.
@purplealabaster (22094)
• United States
3 Dec 09
JodiLynn, I am glad that you appreciate my input, even if we do not agree. In my family, blood does not necessarily mean anything, but I know that is not the case with all families. In my family, there are some people that we are related to by blood, but we do not consider them family. There are other people, however, that we share no DNA with, but they are absolutely family. That makes the question of family so much easier, because it is about our relationship rather than biology, especially since there is a lot of step-relationships and adoption, although I would hope that an adopted child would be considered "blood related" regardless of DNA. In any case, you have very clearly stated that you are not a grandmother, so that answers the question of family, regardless of whether you share DNA with these children or not.
Since they are not family, and you have agreed to get all the children stockings so that they all get something, then I think that you are being fair. If there is any doubt or concern, then you can always tell your daughter what you are going to do, and if she does not feel that it is enough, then she can get her partner's two children something and wrap it to be given at the party with the other gifts. I think it is great that you care enough to put this much thought into it before hand, so that the children's feelings are not hurt at the party. I wish that everybody would be so thoughtful, especially since you clearly state that you "are not Christian" and most of the ones that I have in mind profess very loudly that they are. I think you are doing a lovely thing, even though it might be a pain in the butt for you.
@JodiLynn (1417)
• United States
3 Dec 09
I lack the grandmother gene...it's true.
I AM concerned about making them feel like one of the gang. My Family is made up of *MOM*,2 half siblings & their kids, Husband, my kids, my step son & his mom, my foster children, and brothers & sisters of the heart.
Some family you just get by lottery.
Some you choose willingly.
I love them all, and want to surround myself with them for just this ONE day, and have it be wonderful for EVERYONE. that would be the best gift I could ask for.1 person likes this
@purplealabaster (22094)
• United States
3 Dec 09
I love what you said about family "Some family you just get by lottery. Some you choose willingly." That is how I feel, except that I try to deny some of the ones that were "awarded" to me by "lottery".
I really like how you that the best gift you could have is being surrounded by your family for just one day and having everyone enjoy the time together. That really is the best present ever, and it speaks volumes about your character. You are a wonderful person, and I think you have the "grandma gene" but you just don't know it yet.
That is how I feel, except that I try to deny some of the ones that were "awarded" to me by "lottery". I really like how you that the best gift you could have is being surrounded by your family for just one day and having everyone enjoy the time together. That really is the best present ever, and it speaks volumes about your character. You are a wonderful person, and I think you have the "grandma gene" but you just don't know it yet.
@jb78000 (15139)
•
2 Dec 09
simple i think. have a quick discussion with all the adults and older children involved to decide how to make sure all the little ones that will be there have the same number of presents to open. i think it being anonymous who the presents are from might be a good idea too. the pressure at this time can get pretty silly but if the adults are thinking like children then i suggest ignoring them.
@JodiLynn (1417)
• United States
3 Dec 09
so essentially, I am being forced into buying gifts that I neither want to give or can afford to give, ON TOP of the 4 EQUAL stockings?
I am so over this phrikken holiday already...Ya know, it would almost be easier if I said to hell with the party altogether.
I am so over this phrikken holiday already...Ya know, it would almost be easier if I said to hell with the party altogether.@jb78000 (15139)
•
3 Dec 09
ok, i have fairly strong views on the present giving obligation (i.e. please stop it), but really you can't give certain little children less than others in a gathering. i think all that you can really do immediately is decide how much you can spend and treat them equably.
@jewels49 (1776)
• United States
3 Dec 09
Kids expect presents at Christmas parties, as for step-children fitting in..remember..you asked..I would hope for their sake they fit exactly where all the other kids do. I am a step-parent, step-grandparent, and so on. I have never made a difference in any of them. Kids are kids..My sister-in-law always left her step-chilrdren on the outside looking in and it was heartbreaking to watch.
If you leave these kids out they are going to get hurt, bottom line..I like the idea of the stockings, but not of some kids getting more than the others, it sends the wrong message to both groups of kids, to his that they don't belong, to the others..you are better than them..and they don't belong.
Even if you are immune to Christmas and all that goes with it, kids aren't. Really study the look on a little ones face this time of year when they see the lights and the trees and the wrapped up presents..Pure joy and anticipation makes them light up with excitment, you don't want to replace that making them feel left out on Christmas.
Whatever you do I hope it works out for everybody.
@JodiLynn (1417)
• United States
3 Dec 09
I wouldn't ever leave them out, but I really don't feel the assumed connection with these kids, maybe the younger one just a little, but definitely not the older one. They have two sets of grandparents, plus my X inlaws to scavenge gifts from. Other than the stocking, I just don't feel the need.
Does that make any sense to you? I'm sure I am not coming across the way I intend...sorry :( I'm really not an evil person...I hope....
At 41, I am not prepared to be anyones grand anything. They do not address me as a grandparent (thank gawd!), and to be honest, I don't see my daughter staying in the relationship for the long haul. It breaks my heart to know how hurt she & the girls will be when it implodes. That said, maybe it's self preservation on my part, not getting attached at all, in case of break up??? I'm sure theres deep psychological stuff involved...
STOCKINGS: Equally filled, each with an envelope (just some will be from nanny, others from Santa).
As to not feeling like they belong, they barely know any of us, how could they NOT feel like outsiders when they are still asking "what's your name again?"?
@jewels49 (1776)
• United States
3 Dec 09
I don't think you are evil, not at all. I do think there may be some self preservation stuff going on, and I understand your reluctance to become attached.It's just that little kids don't understand those things, they take everything personally. Good luck.
@sleepylittlerose (1648)
• United States
2 Dec 09
You shouldn't feel obligated to buy the children anything but they will certainly feel left out if they don't have anything to unwrap and all of the other children do. Suggestions would be: Do something small for the kids like you stated make a stocking or tell your daughter that you will not be doing anything for the kids but the other children will have gifts so that she would have the opportunity to make sure they had something to open. Also, if you mom wishes to buy gifts for the children then that is her perogative. If she has the means to fund the purchase and wishes to do so then there is nothing you should say or do about it. Luckily I never experienced anything like this when my husband came into the family with his children.
@JodiLynn (1417)
• United States
2 Dec 09
My husband and I were both married previously, both brought one child into the marriage. Both families gifted the step child. but we were MARRIED. and we had one child of our own together. All 3 kids were bought for, when they were little. Not little anymore, I don't have to pretendI partake of Christmas anymore.
Mother does not have the funds to buy for almost sorta kinda great grand kids, and I don't think she should be expected to.
@sleepylittlerose (1648)
• United States
2 Dec 09
Then certainly do not purchase gifts if you don't partake in Christmas anymore and would recommend the same for your mother if it is going to leave her finacially tight. But I would still tell your daughter of your plans so she can make arrangements/plan on how she will deal with the children.
@hitenkumarp98 (62)
• India
3 Dec 09
ofooooooooo
kids is a relative of "GOD", so never mind with the matter of children, whenever you might t his king of situation, you should only belive in god and always try to keep them happy and joyfull, yeah...you keep kids happy with gifts, chocolate,toys,...........only provide them a full love....adn love......
love have the power to change any difficult situation in easiest one.......
so think by mind, and work by heart
