Single moms out there...need your help!

United Arab Emirates
December 3, 2009 2:43am CST
How would you react if one day, the father of your kid comes to your place (with his wife and baby) after not seeing him for more than 6 years. My son doesn't want to see him anymore and he already knew that. I don't want to come into details about what he has done after all the my effort for us to become a family. He ruined everything. My hope, my son's future, my relationship with friends and family. He is so selfish. Now, without thinking of my son's reaction seeing his dad's new family, he brought them in our house and said to my mom that he just wanted to see his son. He didn't even give a single penny for my son's expenses, now he's expecting that our son will accept him and his family. Can anyone help me how to handle this situation? I don't have feelings towards him anymore and I just want him to leave us alone, just like what he did 6 years ago.Appreciate any advise.Thanks!
1 person likes this
9 responses
• Philippines
4 Dec 09
If i were you, i would tell him to leave the moment i see him with his family in my house. I would tell him that i am not interested in knowing his family and befriending his wife. I will also tell him straight that we are better off without him and that he has nothing to do with us. If he really want to see his son, he should not bring his family along. He should also give financial assistance to his son. He is so dense.If he does'nt, then he should be ashamed to see his son.
• United Arab Emirates
8 Dec 09
hahaha! this was my initial reaction, to throw them one by one..just kidding! I pity the wife because I can know that within herself,she doesn't want to meet my family. My aunt told me that she was frowning while her husband embraced my son. I wanted to speak to her but never had the chance because they left before I reached home.
• Philippines
8 Dec 09
Well, the wife should understand that her husband has a responsibility with your son and that he has to fulfill it. She should also consider the need of your son for a fatherly love and care if he could not give financial assistance. Maybe, one day you have to talk with your son's father to discuss financial support to the child. Even a little amount only he can spare.
• United Arab Emirates
9 Dec 09
Well, she should understand that my son had never seen his dad for six years. She should be ready whatever 'drama' she'll witness and not give any violent reaction. My son doesn't want to embrace his dad and was hiding his face so his dad could not kiss him. On that particular incident, my ex should realize that he is no longer welcome.
@rosgill (45)
• United States
3 Dec 09
I understand where you are coming from and totally know how you feel. My situation is a bit different as my sons hate their father because of the years of abuse they witnessed and put up with. If you son is 14, by law he can deside if he wants anything to do with his father or not. But whether he does or not, he is obligated by law to pay your child support including back child support. You shouldn't make him see him if he doesn't want to but he needs to tell his father how he feels and why either face to face or in a letter and not to hold back anything in letting him know how deeply he has hurt him. His dad needs to realize the pain he had caused him and live up to it. Your son needs you more than him, to know he is worth everything and is your pride and joy. With my children I have worked hard to turn around the damage my x caused them and it may take years but they know they are loved and how to love and regard him as a waste of space.
• United Arab Emirates
8 Dec 09
Guess what? I am not forcing him to support his son financially. I want him to realize that it is his responsibility. That is just what I hate about him, he's got the nerve to bring his new family and don't even bother to give at least some money. He's just causing pain to my son and that kills me. My son is now 10 years old and I am ready whatever decision he might come up to. All I know is, you are right, he is my pride and joy and I will let him feel that, as always. Thank you rosgill, I wish you and your kids the best of everything.
• United States
8 Dec 09
He may be the father but he has never acted upon that right until now. Technically he needs to earn the right to see him through making it up to your son and to you. I'd get legal advice about this, take him to court for past child support which he will have to pay or they will garnish his check or he will have to go to jail, that is if he refuses to pay. The courts may insist his visitation rights unfortunately. I don't know that there is a way out of that the way the laws are written unless you can prove him a danger to your son. I was lucky because my x never pushed it, he knew I could get him for abuse if we went to court. I personally don't think your son should be forced to see him when he feels the way he does. I think your son needs to really tell him how he feels about him to his face and not hold anything back. That might make him angry but it is how he feels. Still, for your best interest, contact some legal advice, it is usually free. Good luck, I'm on your side.
• United Arab Emirates
9 Dec 09
Thank you rosgill, I have already sent him a text message that it would be better for all of us if he will not come anymore. Now, if in case he will insist to see his son again, I will definitely force him to give financial support to my son. If he can't do that, I will take your advice to go to legal advisors with him, so he will be aware of the consequences if he will visit again.
• Philippines
4 Dec 09
Hi dade, hmmnnn though situation... seriously though, FACT is: HE is still the father of your son, so you cannot deny him the right to see your son. as for your son, the right to know who is father is - is also essential in his growing up stage. for identify, for knowing his roots, for the assurance that at least he has the father and he saw him (that he is not a bamboo shoot - know what i mean?) as to your feelings: you have every right to be angry or whatever feelings you have there to him for what happened to both of you. but let not your feelings influence your child's feelings towards his father. 3rd: bringing his family to your house is out of question. what is he trying to prove. or what is he trying to tell you by bringing his family to your house. i mean, if he wants to introduce himself as the father of your son, he can come by himself. bringing his family to your house is adding insult to the wounded situation. i will also be angry, if i am in your case.. last point: I know that you are angry. just don't let your anger towards the father of your son influence your sons' emotions to his father. God Bless Dade!
• United Arab Emirates
9 Dec 09
Hi Alexysabelle, thanks for your advice. You are right in everything you said. I am not angry anymore. He wants to prove that he is happy with his life. Now if he is, then he should not let my son be in pain by seeing his family. I know on day we will meet again. I will make sure that I have all the strength and guts to tell all his fault,all the pain and grudges so he can leave us alone,forever (if my son wishes, too).
• Philippines
5 Feb 10
wishing you good luck... take care!
@TrvlArrngr (4051)
• United States
3 Dec 09
that is awful. I feel for you and your son. I think he just wants to show off his new family. My ex did this to me after not seeing them for a few years. But guess what? He ended up getting divorced in about a year so nothing changed. He was still messed up. Then he stopped contact with my kids again. It is a vicious cycle. I wish you the best. Try to keep a routine with your son so that when the contact stops again he can deal with it.
• United Arab Emirates
3 Dec 09
good luck to both of us! good thing that kids in this generation are so smart! They can understand at their young age their mom's effort and the things that's been happening around them!
• United States
3 Dec 09
when my daughter was 9 years old the school counselor was talking to her and she told her that my mom (me) was the one that initiated all contact with her dad. very sad that they know exactly what is going on around them.
@maximax8 (30099)
• United Kingdom
5 Dec 09
Your ex is expecting your son to like him and get on well with him after an absence of six years. It is not even as if he has kept in contact and given you any child maintenance. Your son might have trouble accepting that your ex has a wife and a baby. I suggest that you try not to see your ex very often or you will be reminded of past upset. He is your ex and you could tell him that. Your son will be able to see him if he wishes to. It is right he keeps up with his dad if he wants to. Your ex may have to make things up to your son. I know you just want your ex to leave you alone. I hope that things will work out for you. Good luck.
• United Arab Emirates
5 Dec 09
Thanks Maximax..Good I have not seen my ex ( I went somewhere)! I was just about to confront him but then he could not wait for me because of the baby and pregnant wife. I want to tell him that if he wanted to his son, just come alone. No need to bring his family because it will hurt my son's feelings. I don't need anything from him anymore because I've already moved on ;)... Thanks God!
@sid556 (30989)
• United States
4 Dec 09
How old is your son? If your son does not want to see his father than as his mother I think you should back him in that. Any kid that does not want anything to do with a parent usually has good reason for it. For your part in it...just be careful not to say things that are going to turn your son against his dad. It has to be his own reason not yours. I know that is really hard when you have bad feelings towards him and he doesn't help out.
• United Arab Emirates
9 Dec 09
hi sid, my son is now 10..you are right, I should support my son's decision if he doesn't want to see his dad. That very same day, I asked my son if he feels happy to see his dad and if he wanted his dad to visit again, I was not surprised to hear a big no from him. No need for me to say something bad about his dad, because he's aware of all the pain that his dad caused us.
• Hong Kong
3 Dec 09
Hi dadelkoy, It is really difficult for you. To me, divorce means the broke up of a relationship between a wife and a husband but they are still the mother and father of the child. They should love their child as before, though it is not easy to do so as they might live in different places. However, they should try hard to show their child that they love him/her so much. In your case, it is up to the child. It is a father wanted his son to accept him and his new family. What you can do is just explain to your son what his father's aim and asked if your son has any question on it. It will be good to let the son to say it out. Therefore, you can understand him more and try to teach him a proper way of looking at this matter. You do not have to involve too much on it. If the son decided to reject his father because of what he had done, that will be his son's choice. You simply relay the message to his father and tell him to leave your house and that is it. I suggest you not to bother too much. However, you just do not say any bad thing about his father. It would be more appropriate if you pay full attention to take good care of your son and give him more love, so that he won't feel that he is lack of love. He still can live healthily and happily. When he has grown up a bit, please try to explain more to him. God bless you! Everything will be fine. Don't worry too much. It is not worth. Cheers, agonyaunt69 (8:06pm 4 December 2009 Hong Kong time)
• United Arab Emirates
5 Dec 09
Thank you Agonyaunt. I always respect my son's decision regarding this matter. I always let him decide if he wanted to see his dad or not. I am really not sure if my son misses his dad or even if he misses him, my son couldn't do anything because he never gave his contact numbers. He just pops up like a mushroom and disappear. Now that my son is fine without him, he showed his new family to him. I think that is really so unfair! And as a mother, I care about my son's feelings. Although my son is not that vocal about his feelings, I can feel that he is really not happy with it. I will leave all the decision to him and I will not interfere with it. I'll try to be the best parent for him and that's the main thing that I wanted to do. Thank you for the advice.
@sublime03 (1809)
• Philippines
3 Dec 09
That is a very difficult situation to be in right now. I understand the pain you have gone thru and of course it would definitely be difficult to have him see your son. You will need to tell him how you feel about the situation because he will not understand it unless you tell him further. We cannot dictate to you what to do, it really depends on you but if all he wants is to meet him once then so be it. That should let him see how good you raised your son.
• United Arab Emirates
3 Dec 09
hi sublime! I am very proud to say that i raised my son with all my hardwork. My family loves him so much to the extent that we don't not need anything from his dad. I was planning to end our 'love & pain story' but he escaped on that chance! Good thing that my son is studying in a good school and I can provide his needs.
• Philippines
3 Dec 09
Your situation is hard, that's what I see.. I'm not a single mom, but if I'll put my feet on your shoe, maybe the best thing to do is to have a serious conversation with your ex. Although I don't know the reason why you're apart, but if it's only you who gives all the effort, the love and the financial support to your child, I think he is too irresponsible. And now after 6 long years, he'll come back and wanted to see your child, well it's totally unfair. Just talk to your ex and be proud that you can live without him, and you can continue your life together with your son. Children are still the most important to me, rather than husband.
• United Arab Emirates
3 Dec 09
i was planning to talk to my ex on that very same day, but because he and his family came from afar, they did not wait for me. So when I reached home, I had a heart to heart talk with my son and ask him how does it feels like to see his dad again. And ask him if he still wants to see his dad, and he said a big NO. At a very young age, my son remembers everything that his dad did to us. At age 3 my son was begging him to stay,kneeling at him,crying his heart out for his dad not to leave us. But he is really heartless. He left without saying a word and i found out that he is with a new girlfriend. I pity my son everytime I remember those days. And now that we've moved on, he'll come as if nothing happen. and worst of it all, he brought his new family. I can't understand why he has to do that? If he loves his son, he should not bring the whole family that my so was deprived of! I agree, children is most important than husband. ;)