What should I do...
@introvertedzed (14)
Malaysia
January 2, 2010 12:58pm CST
In a relationship, both party must understand each other's needs and try their best to satisfy them. I kept telling my girlfriend this, but she often failed to apply them.
It is true that i had many expectations towards my girlfriend and so does her. I really want her to be more active in our relationship but she keep being cold and emotionless. She is aware of this, and she did say that she'll change but up until now, i can't see no difference. Sometimes, i got so frustrated and argued with her about this, she then got emotional and cry instead of calmly observe this situation and reach for a solution. I hate when that happen.
Therefore i decided to expect nothing from her anymore, but i still love her and i am not yet ready to end our relationship.
I felt so restless... what should i do?
2 people like this
5 responses
@spalladino (17891)
• United States
2 Jan 10
First of all, welcome to mylot! 
The most important part of a relationship, as far as I am concerned, is acceptance. Your girlfriend is who she is and you're not going to be able to change her by talking or by breaking up with her. You're also putting more pressure on her by insisting that she "perform"...which I know was not your intent when you told her that you wanted her to be more active in the relationship, but that's how it feels to her. Another idea would be for you to set an example FOR her by being loving and attentive towards her and by telling her that you love her for the person she is and will no longer make her feel like she is being judged. Once this stress is taken off of her, and once she feels more comfortable being loved BY you, she may feel more comfortable showing her love FOR you herself.
The most important part of a relationship, as far as I am concerned, is acceptance. Your girlfriend is who she is and you're not going to be able to change her by talking or by breaking up with her. You're also putting more pressure on her by insisting that she "perform"...which I know was not your intent when you told her that you wanted her to be more active in the relationship, but that's how it feels to her. Another idea would be for you to set an example FOR her by being loving and attentive towards her and by telling her that you love her for the person she is and will no longer make her feel like she is being judged. Once this stress is taken off of her, and once she feels more comfortable being loved BY you, she may feel more comfortable showing her love FOR you herself.@introvertedzed (14)
• Malaysia
2 Jan 10
dear spalladino,thank you...
what you've just said had truly inspired me. Thanks for the advice!
I don't know what to say anymore, because everything you've just said is... true. Before expecting her to do what i want, i should first do the same, so that she'll understand. I will try this, from now on.
again, thanks!
@spalladino (17891)
• United States
2 Jan 10
You're very welcome. I learned a long time ago that demanding or even "suggesting" that I'm not doing something well enough...is just enough to make me stop trying altogether. For instance, I'm not the best housekeeper in the world. My husband made the mistake of making a comment about how I missed an area at the bottom of the toilet after I had spent quite a bit of time cleaning that bathroom...and I thought I had done a pretty good job. His comment, while intended to be helpful, made me feel that I didn't measure up to his late wife who was a stay at home mom and knew how to properly clean a house. I was a career woman when we met so a thorough cleaning was not high on my list of priorities. Did my husband's suggestion spur me on to try harder? No way! I didn't touch either bathroom for months. When he made the mistake of asking me about it I told him that he might want to hire someone who can do the job right. He then realized his mistake, apologized and promised never to comment on my cleaning skills (or lack thereof) again. We now have a happy home with relatively clean bathrooms. 
@pentagan12 (757)
• Philippines
3 Jan 10
Yes, you're right. A relationship won't work if there is only one working for it. I don't exactly know what situation you are in but it's really difficult to fight something to work and you know that you are all alone. I understand you because that's what I sometimes feel towards my boyfriend too. Actually, we just had an argument awhile ago which really hurt my feelings. Though it was really painful but sometimes we really have to be humble and take all the pain we feel. I know you love her but you just couldn't understand her some times. All I can say is, never force her to do want you want her to do. Let her realize her own mistakes. Let her change because she wants to not because you want her to. If you are already tired of your relationship, never be afraid to take a rest. If you have done your part and nothing really happens, then give it up. There's no point staying in a relationship wherein you are no longer happy. If you're really meant to be, then destiny will really find its way.
@introvertedzed (14)
• Malaysia
3 Jan 10
hye pentagan12,
Your post really inspired me, thank you.
I want her to be this and that without ever trying to think on her behalf.. I never give myself a chance to emphatize her, that is why i got so frustrated when she were'nt able to meet my expectations.
I ought to think more carefully next time, so that I may notice the why and the how and therefore reach for a better solution.
Thank you pentagan12!!
@introvertedzed (14)
• Malaysia
3 Jan 10
hello bird123
you're right indeed, instead of being judgemental and expect everything from her, i should instead change myself first. Be the example of what i ought to expect from her so that she she could understand what I really want from her. Thanks bird123!
@Genericbe (1376)
• Philippines
3 Jan 10
It is normal in a true love relationship when one person really do everything to make it work and worth having. I understand your efforts for her.
I think you have to patient with your partner. Even you talk it over again about your hopes and expectations in her. It will be useless unless she had realized all what you have said. It is hard to push someone who in the first place not her will at all.
Maybe, we can take in consideration that she has confusions or things in mind that make her feel fear or worry. I suggest you to continue supporting her and try to let her know that you understand and willing to listen in all her worries.
@introvertedzed (14)
• Malaysia
3 Jan 10
hello Genericbe!
Your're indeed right, that is what i've been thinking before i decided not to expect anything from her anymore. It seems useless eventhough how hard I tried to make her understand.
But it is my fault to, eventhough I realize her fear to change, I still force her to do what I hoped for. I should consider her feeling to, her worries, her perspectives.
Thanks!
@felice369 (239)
• United States
2 Jan 10
If a talk couldn't reach any conclusion, or match up any solution, why not separate for while, to calm down and re - think about your relationship. I am not suggesting you to break up with your girlfriend, just take a break, and refresh, re - figure the whole situation, and what the relationship really mean to you and your girlfriend both. Instead of arguing, and crying, it won't solve any problem.
@introvertedzed (14)
• Malaysia
2 Jan 10
Thank you felice!!
We did that before, but instead of being calm and refreshed, I spent most of the time missing her. I thought of her every second, every minutes.
Besides, what i hoped is that she will be around me more, be more active in our relationship therefore i dont think that being separated for a while will do any good at this moment..
