Do you changes yourself just to please other people?

society dictation, social phobia - To be accepted by the society their are need to changes self to adopt to the dictates of what seem to be as normal to other people.
Philippines
January 13, 2010 9:24am CST
I observe their are people who changes their self in order to please other people and yet they are not happy about it. And some pretend to be happy when in fact they do it just to be accepted by the society being pressure by their friends and loved ones. I have a niece who been a hard headed kid during her younger years. You know when their are parties she get so emotional and very introvert. Could you could classify it as social phobia, as she is pretty yet acts like abnormal as she very nervous in talking or meeting a stranger. When her mom call her to greet new visitor she always hide behind the chair or behind her mama or papa's back. They even grab her hand just to let her comes out from hiding. She is so shy that when she grow up she excel in school, look pretty nerd yet their are only slightly changes. She graduated from college and have jobs but did not last for a long time. She may be sounds and look intelligent and smarter in other ways but I think she need some exposure as she is not confident to meet new strangers. What seem to be the problem/ She have a hard time to have new friends and feel aloof most of the times. Thus, she is often label as have hidden insecurities when people around her misjudge her for being arrogant or snob because she does not know to entertain and just happy to be alone in her own worlds. I always accompany my niece to party and her sibling too encourages her to go out and be expose and yet she seem have a inferiority complex. Well, i do not judge her and maybe she is just shy and time would come she would comes out of her own shell and what worries most her mother think she could not marry as even she is pretty. no guy could see her as she rarely go out of the house. But she is happy in simple things while her other cousin tease her to have a boyfriend and yet she could not do so as she is so shy to talk even to strangers. A lot of her relatives sometimes comes to talk to her over the belt directly like saying"your going to be a spinster if you continue in your behavior and you need to go out for out for other guy to notice you" yet if have no effect n her. Then, she have a cousin who is like her too but changes when she have a boyfriend, then her behavior, the way she dress changes too like she is no longer the same girl we use to know. Their are times they fight with her boyfriend but settle not to have a break up and she reasons out she doesn't like to be alone. Between the two in comparison, my niece is so true to herself she could not be influence but their is downsides if she continue in her attitudes. while the other girl, acts and think just to please her partner and to be accepted by her relatives as coming of age. Do you think changes is constant or inevitable? Do you believe because of the dictates of the society, their is a need to changes yourself just to please other people?
5 people like this
24 responses
@megamatt (14318)
• United States
13 Jan 10
I never change myself to please other people. Either people like me for who I am or they don't. If they do, fine. If they do not, well that's there problem. If they like me for something I am not, then they're really not liking me. If I have to chance myself for a person, chances are that they would not be someone who I would get along with anyone. People put too much value into what others think and thus they lose sense of who they are.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
13 Jan 10
hi megamatt, Well said and i do think the same way it is only fateful that it drives many to desperation while masking a facade to make it appear one is contented and fully satisfy with he/his life but the truth inside he/she is crying or under constant remorse as to oblige the society norm as the right way to do things not in your own unique way but with the way of the others by mean of imitation. Yeah, liking should not be obligatory as when your peers accept who you are and so they should includes the bad things as one no need to worries a lot as she/he already like you which is only a matter of acceptance. thanks for sharing your thoughts.
@AmandaMBF (284)
• Brazil
13 Jan 10
Oh yes!!!!! I've already changed myself to make happy other peoples and i really don't like this. I'm living a life that is not mine! I change my personality because peoples around me can't accept a person that don't likes talk, play, or go to parties constantly! Or who don't like act like an idiot to be popular in friend's groups!!!!!! In my case if i can't change me I can't have social life!!!! But there are times that i don't want social life but my family can't accept this. So I decide to change. But now I think It's not the right decision...
1 person likes this
• Philippines
13 Jan 10
hi amanda, Yeah, I understand where you coming from and i know that their are times that in order to be accepted by the society one need to follow what the other people are doing to be call as normal as when you deviate or pursue others direction like refusal to have a boyfriend or get married some people highly criticize then even pressure you to imitate their action as it is the one that is seem acceptable. Although, some appear to have a freedom of their choice they seem to be a limited choice some are force to have a lives which they never enjoy even in choose of relationship, career, job and so on. thanks for sharing our thoughts.
2 people like this
• Philippines
14 Jan 10
There are people change just to please someone as he or she needs someone in their life as days go by. They needs someone in order to fit it. That is mostly the problems of so many student in college. They need to have peer groups in order to enjoy college, where when you are in group, there are so many people you can talk to and share your problems with, many can help you and you have company. As when you are alone, the loneliness is always besides you and you could not enjoy having a life without friends. Some wants to be alone, but not I am. I can be alone but not for long time. My opinion is, you can be with somebody without changing yourself. You can be with a group by being the true you. I think that is more advantage if you expose your true color to them to know who are the people will accept you. I never do change the way I am with the people I met before and I will never change the way I am on the people I will meet in the future. If I can please them in one try for being me, then I will not forced myself to be accepted instead I will find another people that can be my friend. Although there are many changes that you have to change, but those things are bad attitude you have towards life.
@Fulltank (2894)
• Philippines
13 Jan 10
Yeah, change is constant and inevitable for me. Need to adjust for the ever changing society. If not one would be called conservative and would end up living in the past. If one cannot cope up with the change, one cannot succeed in his life. For example those who does not learn how to deal with computers, will still be living in the past. Those do doesn't carry cellphones and the like would end up missing all the news about their friends and love ones.
1 person likes this
@lingli_78 (12834)
• Australia
13 Jan 10
i guess to a certain extent... but i try not to do it too much because i will feel very uncomfortable with it and it is just not myself... i believe that if somebody want to be a friend with me, he/she should be able to accept me as who i am and not asking me to change to suit to his/her liking... everybody is created unique by God and i think we all should try to be able to accept other people's differences... take care and have a nice day...
1 person likes this
@ckyera (17342)
• Philippines
13 Jan 10
as they say nothing's permanent in this world except change... for me, i think changes should come from yourself and not just because you want to please someone or what, coz if change don't comes from your self will or its just something that you are forced to do, you can't be happy with it and the result will not be good... for me, i don't see anything wrong in changing something about ourselves specially if its for the good, me, i don't change just to please other people, i change for the welfare of many and in the status that i have now, there will always be a need for a change... i have to adapt in the situations and environment that i am with... and with all the changes that i have done to myself and in my way of living, no one pressures me, i very well know myself and although i am changing i was still able to keep my identity as me...coz we also have some characters that are really natural to us and no matter how much we try to change, it will still show... and besides i think without change, life will be so boring and we will be just confined in the same things & situations in our entire life...which i think is not good at all... with your cousin, i think she just need some motivation...or maybe she can also attend some personality development programs and more exposure...
1 person likes this
@kun2349 (23381)
• Singapore
14 Jan 10
haha =D Well, we are all humans, and we have our own character.. If that's the way she is, why change her?? Love will find a way to her, when it's the right time ^_^ No worries about her not being able to find her Mr right, for who knows, the very next time, she goes to any party or maybe anywhere out of the house, she will find somewhere whom she can connect?? haha =D Being an introvert is not a bad thing after all, especially when she's a gal.. She will slowly open up like her cousin, when she's finally attached one day ^_^
• Philippines
15 Jan 10
yup, and that is the declaration of individuality being independent and happy in its own skin away from the dictation of what the society dictates as normal as could be. well, that may be the so-call destiny if ever she could not find it, then love would be the one to find her, if their is any? That the horrible things being introvert always confine to self some happy times get lost when one is too much focus on self indulgence most of the times tend to forget some life purposes and when it is realize time is running too fast already.
1 person likes this
@vandana7 (78295)
• India
13 Jan 10
If changes are essential, I dont mind, but if they are not, I dont compromise. I rationalize, whether or not such changes are essential. At times, we all compromize a bit for people we love. That should not be counted as having changed myself. Change would constitute completely alteratuib, whereas compromise is more tentative or something which when the loved one is not around, would be resumed.
@vandana7 (78295)
• India
13 Jan 10
sorry typo - ...constitute complete alteration, whereas compromise...
@arym72 (49)
• Philippines
2 Feb 10
Change is constant and inevitable...some says change is the only permanent thing in this world.I believe in the saying BE YOURSELF...but if some changes should be made and not in any way alter the real person that u are,then we should change for the better.If i have to change for others to be pleased,I want it to come naturally in me and no one should force me what to do.But do not try so much in pleasing others,remember that the only person who will appreciate and should be happy is you.If you feel contented and at peace with yourself,it will reflect on your personality and aura to others,thus makes you a likeable person.
• Philippines
2 Feb 10
HI! i have been away for a long time but i hope i can still contribute to some of the discussions here in mylot. Well, i think we don't have to change ourselves just to please other persons. It is still good to be yourself or act naturally. But sometimes we have attitudes or behaviors that affects us negatively like the one girl in your story who is very shy. I guess she needs confidence and exposure to be able to interact with other people. Maybe other people around her could help but it is herself that is more responsible. She should have the determination to overcome her shyness.
@paula27661 (15898)
• Australia
16 Jan 10
I don’t believe one should change who they are unless one wants to and it should be for one’s own self and not for other people because that would only lead to resentment in the long run. If your niece is suffering because of her shyness and is unhappy and wants to change then certainly she may need help to overcome her social issues but if she is quite content being who she is then no one else should instruct her how to live and she should be left alone and accepted for who she is. Either way I think that too much pressure will not help her. My daughter is quite shy and she does ballroom dancing which she loves; she is constantly being told to be more out going but it isn’t who she is and that is fine with me.
@Lakota12 (42678)
• United States
14 Jan 10
It is hard on people like that and if someone watches should take them by the hand so to speak and help bring out the person they are not to change them.
@sublime03 (2169)
• Philippines
14 Jan 10
Never. I think every time you do change to please a person makes you become a fake person. You do not have your own identity thus you just please others to bring yourself to hangout with people that will never be your true friends. Other people should not dictate ever on your own identity. Only you alone can determine on what type of a person are you and etc.
@labz211 (16)
• Philippines
14 Jan 10
As they say it's inevitable. We can't really fight it. Their will always come a time when we need to make some changes for ourselves but the decision to make changes must come within. And the purpose must be for our betterment not to become our downfall. Why change yourself or even pretend just to please others. If they are truly your friends, etc. and they truly love you, they can accept who you are and not mold you to person they want. And by being the person who you are not really, there will come a time when you don't know the true you.
@flower21 (766)
• Philippines
14 Jan 10
Your sample story is worth pondering though it never happen to me and i am not shy just like your niece. it is normal to be shy bu in a right way it is better than being rude. though, i could not say she have inferiority complex and her attitude happen because of her childhood. maybe she never receive a lot of attention that she develop such behavior. it is a matter of advices and do not force her and eventually she would meet a nice person who would understand her stand. for myself i do not underestimate a person nor judge and i myself like to be happy with absence of pressure. it is better for me to be stubborn than to become superficial.
@amyson (3509)
• Philippines
14 Jan 10
I never do it as changes for me comes naturally and i feel happy at my present situation. eventually i change to improve myself and not to change for other to appreciate me. if they like me then it is okay and if they hate me their is nothing i could do so to follow their likes as i do only whatever please me.
• Philippines
14 Jan 10
No, i am not that kind of a person who is going to change something just to please someone.I am being contented of what God gives me and I always treasure it. For I am born as a normal person and live freely. Maybe some may hate me, others may love me, but for all of this i still love the way i am because i don't want to pretend as someone just to flatter anyone.Be true to your self, and accept who you are,what you are or what you have....
• Philippines
14 Jan 10
I do changes to benefit myself but not due to the influences of other people as i value myself and whoever like me love me for what i am. acceptance is a right of everyone then if one keep following the dictates of the society one feel empty for allowing other to intervene in one life.
@samire (55)
• China
14 Jan 10
Yeah,I have changed myself just to please the class tescher.Because the teacher decide what you can into the Student Union,in order to be able to obtain better job opportunities,students are beginning to please the teacher ,for example,give gifts to the teacher,asked the teacher to a meal and so on.Therefore,I can only change myself.
@monkeylong (3146)
• Guangzhou, China
14 Jan 10
As far as I am concerned, I seldom do someting to change myself to please others. I think I just need to please myself ,that's OK.I just want me to be a happy man. But sometimes I will do something to chnage me some a little which I will please others.I think both me and my friends will be happy together.So Change or not ,just rely on me.