She Doesn't Remember..... (Very Long)

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I'm talking about my mom. We had an on again off again relationship for many years. When I got married the first time, when I was 21, we were able to mend our fences, so to speak and all was great! She helped me through my problems with my first husband and even through the divorce. She was there for me when I lost my fiance when our house caught fire and burnt to the ground. She was happy for me when I met my husband now (of 18 years and counting) but something changed in her because she started treating me like an outsider in the worst of ways and I couldn't figure out why. Hubby and I were living in Texas and we would come home to Virginia when we could and every time we came home for a visit, she'd treat me like I was no better than the dirt on the floor. Anything I said she'd counter and this was done in front of others which embarrassed me to no end. I kept trying to "fix" things between us only to get pushed back over and over again. There were times that we had screaming matches which I hated dreadfully but I had had enough and stood up for myself and while doing so, I'd be crying my heart out and not once did she get up to hug me or say she was sorry. I just couldn't figure out what I had done wrong to make her treat me like she did and was constantly crying, once till 4am because I didn't know what I had done to make her turn on me like she had. Later on, hubby was stationed in Arkansas (Army) we'd still go home for a visit knowing full well what kind of treatment I'd most likely get. Now mind you, she was WONDERFUL to talk to over the phone but lo and behold!, not in person. We had gotten a siamese cat that was neglected. His name was Sandman. He clung to us like two or three magnets. We loved him dearly! We went on a trip and took him with us so my parents could see him. Now this cat was so dumb because he couldn't tell which direction was home. I'm serious! He got lost at my parents place because dad had accidentally let him out and hubby and I searched frantically for him. Well in the meantime, mom had gotten herself and me a siamese cat sisters. Once day she was doing laundry and she saw her kitten in the dryer and she got her out but didn't see her go back in and well, she was killed. We all were so devastated. I so badly wanted her to take mine but she wouldn't. Then Sandman was gone but luckily to his tags, someone found him and called. Well dad had told hubby that this person was going to bring him back. When hubby came to tell me what dad had said, I asked when? But he said dad didn't say and mom liked to chopped his head off and said something to the effect of worrying over a damned cat. Oh that really hurt and made me so mad! I mean, it's ok for her to go ballistic over her cat in the dryer but I can't be upset over mine? WTF? And how cold!! So I went inside calmly and asked dad when this person was bringing him back and mom liked to have chopped my head off and I told her that I was asking DAD a question, is that so bad? She went back into the kitchen rambling on. Ok, back to Arkansas, hubby was going to retire so we had to find a place to live and where since we didn't want to go to our home state (bad memories for both of us) so we choose North Carolina. Mom and dad had come down for a visit. Now let me explain something before going on, at mom and dad's house, their phone ALWAYS rang. It was like, trying to get two words in before the phone would ring. They just knew everybody basically. So when they came down to see me while hubby was still in Arkansas about to retire, my phone would ring off the hook and dad and I would joke about it and call it "The NEW grand central station" and mom got really upset! Dad and I were really taken aback and wondered where the hell did that come from but we all just got quiet and let it go. Mom was in "her" mood again, oh great. So it was like walking on egg shells the rest of their stay. Hubby retires and come's "home". New Years Eve '06/'07 WHOA! Mom and dad were down to spend the holiday with us. We met up with some friends at the seafood restaurant and I had begged this girl to please come out to the house because the tension in the air was so thick that one could suffocate and that's an understatement and I told her that something was going to happen tonight but I needed her to be there to defuse the situation but she couldn't for what ever reason. We get home and mom starts in on me. Anything I said, she contradicted me or belittled me but I kept my mouth shut. Mind you, we had a roommate living in the one bedroom upstairs so it was just the five of us so if I left to go upstairs to our 'other' living room, it would have caused a big "todo" so I stayed. Well, it happened anyway because I had had enough and asked her, "How do you expect me to respond to that?" Oh my gosh! That's ALL it took! She went at me like rocks in the wind! I left the kitchen and went to my bedroom bathroom and shut the door to get away from her. She comes barging in yelling and screaming at me and for a time, she'd go out and back in and out and back in. I mean, she was a crazed maniac! Every time she came back, she'd carry on and I'd ask her, what the hell have I done to make you hate me like you do? and again, she'd contradict me. Ok, so I'm the idiot? I called the friend, the one that I asked to come over at dinner, and begged her to come and I was crying so hard that I had to repeat a lot of things but she got the gist of it and came in a hurry. As soon as she got here, mom ran out the back door and took off in her car! She didn't know the area at all because she and dad hadn't moved down here yet but she took off like a ranting raving nut case! Now this friend, called mom on her cell phone and got her to calm down. How? I have not a clue! Then she told her how to get back but mom wasn't having it until she was good and ready to. Then this friend who was having troubles with her own family told us that she was picking her friends and that who ever continued to talk to her parents, she was done with them. DAMN!! What the hell is going on?! I'm getting slammed and dunked left and right and for what reason?! So we showed her the door and told her to never ever tell us who we can be friends with and who we can't be friends with for we're adults too and can make our own decisions. Anyway, dad is about to be sick. SERIOUSLY. Mom had him so worked up that he was very pale and looked like he was about to drop dead but hubby was able to get him in the bed in his zombie like state. But before he was put to bed, I went to him while in the living room and tried to console him and explain to him that I don't know what the hell happened and I didn't mean for it to happen but that mom had gone off the deep end and I've been on the receiving end of her wrath for so long that I don't know why or what I've done. Dad was mumbling things and I did get "I don't know either" There's so much of this that went on for a long long time. I mean a long long time. I don't know why but I kept going back and kept getting my feelings hurt. I guess I wanted my mom to love me. After our last fallen out, which was at her house, I left. Hubby went back inside to try to smooth things over and she wouldn't have it but then threw my past in his face and how I hurt her and how he had no idea what I had done and so on. Now that hurt! BIG TIME! Because I had explained what had happened and why I did the things I did and she understood and forgave me then she throws it in my face through my husband? Well, the next day I told my dad that if it ever happened again that I'd be through finished and done with her because after all this time, I think I've done a 180! And he said "You HAVE!" and said he'd talk to her. Well apparently he had because the next day, when hubby and I came back to finish painting their three bedroom house with an office, she was so nice to me! I mean REALLY nice to me!! She called me her angel and this and that and the other! Sure it felt good but it also made me VERY leery of her so I kept my distance. Then she had a major stroke and damned near died three times but because of dad, my husband, and I, she's alive today because we were vigilantly watching over her to be sure she got the care she needed. Now I am really an angel and she wouldn't know what she'd do without me and so on BUT, there were some mean comments here and there out of frustration but still, they were mean comments such as "I didn't ask anybody for any help and I'm NOT asking anybody for help" So it was kind of like "Well gee thanks for the gratitude!" Or "Did they expect us to do it all?" I could go on forever and ever and never get to tell you the whole story. Here is a copy of what I told to my "sister" friend. It's the truth, the cold hard truth. I have this conflicting thoughts about my mom. In my head I have these thoughts going on on a constant basis which is, "I know she loves me. Does she love me? Yeah, she loves me.... but does she?" Then it's "She hated me for years and put me through hell but never apologized for it. Not even once. Yeah she's called to reconcile but never apologized and now she's nice to me and says she loves me and I'm her angel. If she loves me, why does she love me now when she hated me in the past? Is it because of what I've done? Is it because of what I continue to do? Is it because of the money I've given her? Is it because she knows we're now financially able to help her and can pull away if she gets nasty? Why, all of the sudden she loves me? What would she do if I did pull away?" All of these questions that I can never ever ask because, she'll either get all defensive or she'll play the "I don't remember" game. Sure, she does have an awful memory problem but sometimes I wonder if it's as bad as she makes it out to be. Now don't get me wrong, I love her with all of my being and I'll never stop helping her. Now in her defense, she had an horribl