She Doesn't Remember..... (Very Long) PT 2
By CatsandDogs
@CatsandDogs (13963)
United States
March 9, 2010 11:48pm CST
Now in her defense, she had an horrible accident before I was born, heck before my brother was born. She got on a horse when she was told not to and it took off with her on it and all of the sudden stopped and threw mom off and she went head first into a parked car, the bumper and then slid the whole length of the car under it. She wasn't expected to live however, it affected her memory in a huge way. Then having the stroke and possibly another but small one, her memory is really bad now.
The point I'm trying to reach is this, we got to talking about different things the other day over the phone and I slipped up and said something about when things weren't good back when and she was baffled but I didn't elaborate out of fear and she asked a little bit about it but still, I didn't elaborate but was telling of another situation then today, as we were talking, I gave her an update on a situation and some how our bad years came up and she said she remembers bits and pieces but no arguments between us and was like, she wanted to know what it was about and then didn't want to know but then she asked for specifics. Oh dear me, why can't I keep my mouth shut? Then I told her of some of the things and how she made me feel so unwanted and unloved and how I truly felt that she hated me. She said she can't remember and feels awful knowing she made me feel that way and that she loved me and always loved me. Then she got another call which is probably a good thing for I didn't want to go into detail any more than I already had and I'm hoping she'll just drop it because it's honestly too painful for me BUT I will if she really wants me to.
So there ya basically have it folks. What do you think? Please no bashing!! I love my mother and my father and will do anything within my power for them as long as I'm treated with some decency. Now I don't want my butt to be kissed but I do want to feel loved, that's it. I don't think that's too much to ask for. Do you?
5 people like this
12 responses
@GardenGerty (157494)
• United States
10 Mar 10
I think the advice you have been given about writing it all out is very good advice. Burn the bad memories, keep the good ones, as I have suggested before. Make a memory book for yourself of the best things you can remember. Go ahead and tell yourself how proud you are that you can help, and that you can break the cycle. You can talk to us, we know that you are behaving in a loving way, and that is part of the battle.You have the answer: The family mental illness, the childhood accident, and the stroke. I do not think your mom will bring it up again, she will forget. Was part of the worst time when she was going through menopause? That can be a factor as well. Hang on to all the times that you remember that she has said "I love you."
1 person likes this
@Hatley (163781)
• Garden Grove, California
10 Mar 10
catsanddogs now I can understand more of this and am wondering if the accident did not do some more harm than anyone thought it had, not just her memory but the way she perceived you, and I think you may be able to take some comfort in the thought that she might have some sort of mental problems that had not really been diagnosed and was at that time seeing you with all sorts of anger and malice and this was the injury not your real mom talking to you.I would never bash your parents,its just evident that she might have had some mixed up mental thing that made her see things all wrong at that time. I hope now that she does not remember maybe she can be more like the real mom who loved you and whom you love, it must have been awful for you and maybe now she will be much better. good luck God bless you all.
1 person likes this
@CatsandDogs (13963)
• United States
10 Mar 10
Maybe between the mental illness that runs in our family on her side and the accident both? We have this on again off again relationship, a real dysfuntional relationship but not due to my part but hers. I feel like a yo yo at times and can't give her my heart like I did before out of fear she'll hurt me again and I just can't take that anymore. I still love her, I'll always love her and maybe that's why I hurt so badly and easily because I do love her. When I married the second time, I was 26 years old but it was about 5 or 6 years after that when she turned on me. My husband has no use for her or my dad because of her actions towards me and he won't let go. He'll still do things for them because of me and keeps the peace. He and I had gotten into a huge argument and he said to me "I don't understand why you keep doing these things for her when you know she doesn't love you and you know she doesn't love you!" Can you imagine how that made me feel? I mean, come on! Wow! I told him because of my own conscience, if I don't do it and they die tomorrow then I'll have guilt to deal with for the rest of my days and I can NOT live with guilt! Hubby knows too that I'm afraid of my mom because she can be so cruel but she hasn't been since just before her stroke which is two years ago next month but still, I can't trust her with my heart in her hands. I still love her very much and dad too but I have this big thick wall up so I won't be hurt again. I feel like I'm going around in circles, around and around and around with no real ending to all of this. Please, look at the response above and it'll give you even more....
@zed_k4 (17589)
• Singapore
11 Mar 10
I'm sure you are a very good daughter and for you to type it here in myLot shows that you care very much for your parents. I don't know what she really thinks of you, but in general, I've thought about the fact that sometimes, both parents or either or just doesn't have an explanation to give us why they are cold towards us and stuff like that. A dysfunctional relationship which is on and off like you've said. It sometimes makes me wonder too, the vibe that they give out.
I mean, I've observed the way certain parents treat their children through my naked eyes, and it can be in the mall or on the street when I walk, and I have this general thinking. How they treat each children either the same or differently, there's just no explanation to their actions. If they love, they would love no matter what. Even when the child does something wrong like a crime.. which in my opinion, a parent should show support no matter what. And when they do not love, it will sometimes be reflected in their actions, or that they favor somebody else. And would ridicule and say what they want, no matter what.
It sometimes makes me think too, whether there are parents out there whom plainly don't have a reason for why they 'hate' their children. Hate is a strong word, but I couldn't find a lesser term for it. Perhaps none too favorable or dislike. Just be patient, my friend. This too, will pass and try not to think so much. You are the only one going through this, and since it has hurt you so much, and talking to your mom might not help, you can just jot down on a diary and keep it. You will feel better.
Maybe in her current condition, it's best not to ask her too many questions, lest she gets all confused. When she starts giving you a bad vibe, just stay away from her for a bit and come back once she's fine. Take care..
@AnnieOakley1 (5596)
• Canada
3 Apr 10
It is not too much for you to ask to be treated with common decency, not at all.
I understand. There comes a time when you just have to let things go and move on, so you can enjoy the rest of your time together. It seems that the memory loss has given you an opportunity to start fresh, sort of. Maybe you can now have a happy relationship with your mother. *fingers crossed*
I'm so glad for you, that she said that she has always loved you, since you had felt for so long that she hated you. It is a big burden off your shoulders, I feel that.
1 person likes this
@spalladino (17891)
• United States
10 Mar 10
No, it's not too much to ask, catsanddogs...and you obviously have issues that you need to somehow put behind you. It's hard to do that when your mom doesn't remember but you can at least take comfort in the fact that she reassured you of her love for you. Sometimes you WILL want to talk about things...need to talk about things...and I think it's better to do just that instead of letting something eat you up inside. But, there may be things that you can clear away on your own, too. One way that might work is to write a bad memory that you want to put behind you on a piece of paper and burn it. Tell yourself that it's now gone and see if it goes. It might not...but then again it might. In the meantime, try to focus on the positives of now as much as you can.
1 person likes this
@CatsandDogs (13963)
• United States
10 Mar 10
Yes I do have issues but I'd much rather put them behind me and move forward but I'm afraid she'll ask about them and I frankly don't want to talk about them because she was so near tears when I told her that I actually thought she hated me. I really did. Now on the other hand, I knew mental illness runs in our family. There's no question about that because my grandmother, although I love her dearly, she was a nut case. She wasn't the best mother to her kids, well to her son she was but not to her two daughters and my mom vowed to never be like her and now that my grandmother is gone, my mom has become so much like her that it's NOT funny. In some ways she's worse. She's put my grandmother on a pedestal now that she's gone but when she was alive, well, let's just say it wasn't nice at all. I don't blame my mother for the not so nice times when my grandmother was alive because my grandmother was unbearable at times. REALLY unbearable at times. Now my oldest brother told me about our mother "It's mental. It's mental, to overlook it and it's up to us to break the cycle" I agree with him whole heartingly but it does hurt when she was hateful toward me like she was. I do wish I could just spill it all out and lay things on the table and get it all out in the open but I'm so scared to and I know I'll turn into a babbling idiot if I do because I don't want to hurt her and it will if I tell her all that she's said and how she's made me feel. I'm not one to want to hurt anybody. I'm just not and especially my parents. I just pray to God that she doesn't ask me to elaborate anymore and lets it all go. I know I need to talk about it but I just can't and wish for it to all to just go away. Conflicting emotions at it's best, huh? 
1 person likes this
@paula27661 (15811)
• Australia
11 Mar 10
My mother did and said very nasty things to my sister and I while we were growing up affecting us very negatively and I am sure she has psychological issues that she has never dealt with so my sister and I took the brunt of it. I have to wonder if your mother may have some kind of brain injury from the time she fell off her horse because her temperament seems very unpredictable and volatile. I admire you cats, I really do because I don’t know too many people that would put up with that kind of treatment and still be there to help! I don’t think it is too much to ask to want to feel loved, after all that is what every living thing needs especially us humans!
I don’t know why you would be concerned about others ‘bashing’ you here. I still see my mother although I do wonder why and her memory is very selective; she has chosen to conveniently ‘forget’ how she treated us. I see her because I want my daughter to get to know her grandmother but if she ever displayed her old ways to my child she would never see either of us again! It’s funny how we carry the hurt and they just ‘forget’!
@lwethu (242)
• South Africa
10 Mar 10
Catsanddogs, your discusion is touching as hard as it for you to forgive your mother but I think it's the best thing to do. For you to be happy and enjoy life you need to make peace with her. All families have problem depending on our intellegence with dealing with them, choose to be brave persist despice the circumstance you will enjoy life. I am from a very abuse family but always tell my self that God have a purpose for putting me in that family and he had known from the begin that I will survive and I am the one who can save it.I am from a family of eight and there are times where I feel that my mother does not love me but I keep loving her because his my mother and I have no choice but to love her I know one day she will open up his eyes and see what has been happening all along.
On holiday times I don't always lookfoward on visiting them but believe me I never miss even a single holiday.I am doing this for myfamily because if I act like them one way or other I will be like them and I will pass this to my kids and it will be a family thing, my aim is to break it with the help of our father. I am not ignorant I am aware of the situation.Love your mother while you still have time bond with her you will be suprised by the results she needs you as much as you need her show her love may be his does not know the meaning of love lucky you now have a chance to save your family and live your life with a clear ca....
@Polly1 (12645)
• United States
10 Mar 10
Gee whiz Cats, I hope you feel better getting some of that of your chest. It sounds to me (no offense) that your mom might have some mental health issues, or maybe its because of the acccident. Maybe some underlying head injury, if it affected her memory it could affect her brain and how she acts. I have been communicating with you and reading your stories for a long time now, so I feel I know enough about you and the situation to make a comment, I believe with all my heart that your mom LOVES YOU.. I also believe that she is very thankful for you, she just has a hard time showing it sometimes. Your mom reminds me some of my mom, opinunated and hard nosed, her way or the highway, does that sound like her some. I understand why its hard to keep your mouth shut, you have lots of unresolved feelings and issues. I wonder if your mom does remember more then what she lets on, she doesn't want to face how horrible she was to you. for your own sake you have to find a way to forgive and get pass it, its hard but do your best to put it in the back of your mind, don't let it fester, it will only make you sick. I am giving this advice to you from experience, believe me its easier said then done sometimes. but do it for you. I struggle sometimes putting my feelings to the side, I want to blow up-but what good does it do. Take care Cats, your mylot friends love you.....
@ElicBxn (63233)
• United States
10 Mar 10
You have every right to be treated like the kind and generous human that you are.
You do have a certain amount of responsibility to your parents (that some of your other siblings are falling down on), but you deserve and should expect to be treated with kindness and respect.
People often forget things they aren't proud of, and the accidents and strokes have probably taken their toll as well.
To keep the peace, you should avoid thinking or bringing up the bad stuff, sometimes I know its hard to avoid.
I will say that I have noticed that people who say hurtful things, often really don't think they are that hurtful, unless they are being said to intentionally hurt the person. My mother and sister bickered the entire year I was at the house after I graduated from university, but neither of them remembered it later.
Honestly, it may very well be that your mother was suffering from a kind of personality split, not outside the realm of possibilities, and may have had a minor stroke due to the fall off the horse causing it. The later strokes may have done further damage to the area removing all memories and the negative behaviors...
I do know that when my mom had her first CT scan after her first known stroke, they showed she had had 3 previous ones, we were pretty sure we knew when 2 of them were, but the other one, also the oldest one, we were never able to figure out when it might've happened.
@sid556 (30960)
• United States
10 Mar 10
Hi cats,
I can't imagine why anyone would bash you here. Many of us had bad relationships with our parents. My mom was a pretty cold woman and I can relate to how you might be feeling. In the final months of her life my brother and I took care of her. She also brought up old times and we actually had a couple of conversations about them and how I felt. She did appologize and also explained some things going on in her life that as a kid I didn't see and probably would not have understood. It wasn't an excuse for anything but it did help me to understand her better and not take it all so personal. It was good that we talked. I think that if your mom wants to talk then you should indulge her. Obviously, even if she doesn't remember details she remembers feelings. I think it would be good for you too. you'll feel better getting it out, I think.
@Cutie18f (9551)
• Philippines
10 Mar 10
I think mother-daughter frictions happen quite a lot. I have seen mothers and daughters fighting, exchanging words, etc. I mean, it is not an isolated case. I can only count the number of ideal mother-daughter relationships. Most often the relationship gets better when both mother and daughter reach a certain age. But what I know is that all mothers do love their children. However, there are times when this relationship turns the other way because of circumstances.
@rajbala2707 (17)
• India
10 Mar 10
yes some people have problem of this memory loss/or does not remember any talk so long time.when i go with my family to city with my dog then my car hit with another car.All of us well except my father,because father head strikes to the car mirror then after this he does not remember so long time.After this accident he is irritating from all of us.he hate all of us, i do not why?
