How do you forgive?
By vanny
@vandana7 (98944)
India
March 24, 2010 2:21am CST
From yesterday - this question is eating my head.
What exactly is forgiveness? Do you walk up to the person smile and say - hey I have forgiven you - come down for dinner we will watch your favorite movie even if it drives me nuts.
Or you just forget about it (which is easier said than done) and get on with your life
or resolve the problem - by highlighting to the errant where, when, and why an issue hurt - till the person realizes it and feels sorry - and then move on.
I for one find forgiving an unrepentant soul very difficult. What about you? I think that is like telling the devil go on hurt me, I am in god's team so I have to play martyr! That sucks. Either god is not equipped to save me, or I am dumb enough not to see the weapons he has given equipped me with.
Please dont generalize your responses. We are not talking about kids fighting, or family members being rude. We are talking of pain as great as what Jews must have experienced in holocaust.
6 people like this
33 responses
@dawnald (85135)
• Shingle Springs, California
24 Mar 10
First of all, some things, such as the Holocaust, are unforgiveable. Second, I don't believe you are under any obligation to forgive somebody who is unrepentant. And last, even if you do forgive somebody, if what they did was so hurtful that you can't be a part of their life any more, you are under no obligation to tell them that you have forgiven them. In a case like that, forgiving them is more something you do for yourself, a necessary part of you moving on with your life, than something you would be doing for them.
2 people like this
@vandana7 (98944)
• India
24 Mar 10
I agree - but I would like to know when can I say to myself - I have forgiven this.
It has to be different from forgetting, or ignoring, isn't it? What is the criteria that tells me that I have forgiven this person? We do have adversaroes/rivals in schools, and colleges. But as time passes, all those disputes fade from our memory. That is forgetting. In some situations, we are hurt, we avoid a person and we can still be at peace in company of another friend. That is ignoring or avoiding the persecutor.
But there must be a way to differentiate forgiveness from these ways. And what is it? When do we say we have forgiven a person and nto we have forgotten or we are ignoring or avoiding the person? Hope you at least are understanding what I am asking! :( I am not very good at expressing myself. :(
1 person likes this
@getbiswa2000 (5545)
• India
24 Mar 10
Hi Vandana,
Forgiving is rather a series of positive and realistic thoughts and it doesn't depend on whether the person is repentant or not. There are a few basic steps that should be followed here,
Step 1:Why should I forgive him At the very first stage you decide whether it is justified to forgive the person. You analyze the reasons because you wouldn't want them to be weak. People may have different reasons to forgive, but the most common is that you have to forgive for your own sake. This means, by the entire forgiving process you will get stronger and will be elevated to a higher plane. You totally understand how much you may have to endure in this process, but you know there is always a good result that you will get at the end. So you decide to forgive and then stick to it. No matter what happens, you don't look back. Forgiveness is a process that cleanses your soul in its entirety.
Step 2: Who gives him right to do this? When we are hurt or resent in any way what some other person has done to us, we actually turn blind. We, for some moments totally forget that we are human beings. Human beings are fundamentally deficient. I mean, we are unstable and imperfect. This is so inherent that very few people can go beyond this. The next logical thinking would be that if I am imperfect myself, the offender has every right to be imperfect too. This is a realization of union. A person at this stage finds no difference between the offender and himself. This is quite an elevated state of mind and can be achieved by having pragmatic understanding.
Step 3: What should I do with him? Once you are in the process of forgiving you start looking at it from a much broader point of view. The person may have to repentance about what he has done, but that is because he has been totally ignorant. If he hadn't been so he wouldn't have done that thing to you in first place. Ignorant people don't know how to value the most precious things. For, they don't understand what is really precious. They are the real looser so there is no use in hating them or keeping a grudge against them. What sensation do you have when you see a person in distress? Its pity, no doubt. The man who has repented for his sins has become quite wise in the process. But one who still haven't realized what he has done is the one to be pitied. You should pity them. This person can't be an object of any other feelings like remorse, regret, revenge or anything that strong. You pity them for being ignorant and forgive them for being it.
God bless you
1 person likes this
@vandana7 (98944)
• India
24 Mar 10
dear bro I tried kindness and pity and consideration. That only infuriates them more - why aint she getting mad and prompts them to do more harm! Eventually banished them out of my life so that I dont have to live with those thoughts everyday - I get chance to forget them. But society is so terrible. They try to reconcile. They use devious means - feelers - to reconcile. People are always advising why dont you. Now - if we dont tell - they think it is ego. If we tell, we become cheap. Why cant we be left alone?
@getbiswa2000 (5545)
• India
24 Mar 10
No, we don't. There is no need for any such demonstration. The attempt to demonstrate it will rather foil the sincere purpose behind it. When you shift your attention to your disposition it always increases the risk of harming your inner strength and then you end up in acting according to other people's wish which is not the objective here. What we have to do here, we have to care less about how we are going to treat that person. We should make sure that we've forgiven that person from the core of our heart and have no grudge against him anymore. Rather a feeling of kindness and pity will be appreciated. The rest always comes out fair. You don't even need to control or think about it. Whatever you do afterward will always be justified.
God bless you
1 person likes this
@sudiptacallingu (10879)
• India
24 Mar 10
Well, I cannot speak for the Jews but on a personal level, I am a second generation refugee i.e after partition, respective families of my parents were hounded out from their ancestral homes in Bangladesh by Muslim fundamentalists and they landed in India penniless. So when I hear of friends or acquaintances talking about family wealth, about gems and jewelries passing on thru generations, or family property and land…well, I have nothing to say simply coz we have no family wealth…everything my parents’ families had, were left behind…they just managed to cross over safely with their lives just like millions of other Hindus and Punjabis. So when I hear today’s politicians talking of secularism or Muslims talking about how peaceful and tolerant Islam is, you can very well understand my inner feelings. Even then, I know that today if I meet a Muslim on the streets, I just cannot haul him by his collar and beat him up for the past…does that mean that I’ve forgiven and forgotten? Maybe not…but I’ve certainly accepted the situation and moved on though the embers are still there within.
Similarly, in many cases, its in our own interest and our own inner peace that we must forgive (even if that means we were weak enough or dumb enough not to fight back) and forget and move on. Accepting a situation or accepting the fact that yes, I’m weak and stupid, sometimes helps a lot in calming a troubled mind. We cannot win every battle and more importantly, we must chose our battles with care otherwise we lose focus of life and waste our time on frivolities. Yes, sometimes it seems that God is an excuse of the weak, of the dumb, of failure but we have to focus on our priorities. Being a martyr certainly does not feel good but sometimes that’s the only way we can play the game…best would be to learn from past mistakes and avoid such people who are known to always exploit and hurt others.
1 person likes this
@vandana7 (98944)
• India
24 Mar 10
Hi Sudiptacallingu, your situation is quite similar to the jews - the only difference is you were not there in some concentration camp. I can really understand what it feels, especially with Telangana problem looming large out here. We too fear backlash. You said - "best would to learn from past mistakes and avoid such people who are known to always exploit and hurt others". This is also what Sai baba mentioned.
I think somewhere - we go wrong there. Remember our ancestors lived in caves, and hunted? Well, we stopped hunting because we learnt a new way of getting food. Now none of us hunts. We face these problems because god wants us to find a right solution to it. I am not sure forgiveness is the solution. If it were, we would all be moving ahead - leaving behind such feelings. Nor is going ballistic about it the right way. There must be another way. Just cant identify which way it is. :(
Having said that - I also think forgiveness is a part of this solution - not the whole solution. What do you think? A solution would be such that it would make the person who is hurt feel at peace and quiet, and the person who'd hurt realize he/she'd hurt, and therefore, owed to bring in that peace. Dont you that is the sort of outcome you'd want?
@sudiptacallingu (10879)
• India
25 Mar 10
Yes, that would have been the ideal situation but you see life is so full of grey areas that you cant really specify who’s wrong and who’s correct. The Muslim backlash that my parents faced in Bangladesh was the outcome of many issues, all intertwined and growing thru centuries. Also, I think that a person who wrongs another, has his/her own inner demons to fight with. I cant really believe that when a person kills or hurts another person, the perpetrator has no guilty feelings…ever! I make exceptions only for cold-blooded murderers and rapists. And then again, even if the guilty is punished, we cant always forgive just because the person has been punished…forgiveness is something which we ourselves have to nourish in our minds…it has to become a way of life…both for our own inner peace and also to help us cope with situations and move ahead.
Revenge is a very negative feeling and though there’s a saying that revenge is always sweet, I think forgiveness is bother sweater and strengthening.
@vandana7 (98944)
• India
25 Mar 10
Yes, grey areas. Inner demons - yes. Possibly. Only when they are alone do these demons surface and torment them, so such people crave for company. :) Cold blooded may also not be that cold blooded I think. They dont know how to divert their mind may be, frustrate and give in to such thoughts may be? As possibly they feel that is all that they can do - a self condemnation or self contempt? :( In all probability - their first sin was a mistake, that they couldnt forgive themselves for! Remember most of these serial killers are extremely intelligent, and therefore, they must have their bars pretty high for themselves. But this thought only came after reading getbiswa's comments below.
But as you rightly pointed out - punishing them the way we do is not going to remove the hurt! It is the hurt that keeps on reminding. So we need to address that!
Revenge - nothing we humans can do can be good enough revenge you know. We will never get a persmanent satisfaction with what we do. But when god does it, not only do the lessons reach the unrepentent sinner, but also give immense and perpetual relief from pain to the one who suffers. We just have to wait our turn for that kind of relief from god's court. In the meanwhile, forgiveness would only help us.
@Buchi_bulla (8298)
• India
25 Mar 10
Sometimes silence talks a lot than real talking. If you want to forgive a person, just keep quiet. Your silence will be a big punishment for him and make him realise his mistake. Instead, if you talk about it, the more you talk, the less your forgiveness will have value there.
@Buchi_bulla (8298)
• India
6 Apr 10
Hai Vandana, sorry for the late reply. I was a bit busy. Well, I had a tough time with my mother-in-law. Since I was a soft spoken person then, I did not back answer her and patiently endured all the injustice meted out to me. The result was that I had all the depressions, disappointments accumulated in my stomach. Whenver I thought of her, a self-pity was coming over and tears were coming out of my eyes continuously. I always used to think, I should have talked like this, behaved like this, back-answered like this and some heavy feeling in the stomach was pressing me always. I felt I should come out of this otherwise I will go mad. I went to a counseller. He said, go to the sea, think that your MIL is standing before you in the water. Tell her loudly to go away leaving you alone and that you have forgiven her. Visualise that she is going back step by step into the water and finally disappering. You are out of this depression. I did it and lol, I am free from that mental torture. So this is also a way of forgiving people.
@vandana7 (98944)
• India
6 Apr 10
Hi Buchi - I am so sorry you suffered so much. You seem so wise and so soft spoken. I am glad you have managed to get rid of that feeling. And I actually liked your way of forgiving. :) I will actually try it. :) Thanks for sharing it. Wish you'd given this before. It would have got the BR. :)
@vandana7 (98944)
• India
28 Mar 10
May be I didnt really express it well here. How do you start the process of forgiveness in you? Well, if the person has done irreparable harm to you, and is not repentent, the process will be very difficult. At least for me. But I must move on. Revenge brings only temporary satisfaction. I need permanent solution. So I am looking for ways and means to start a process that will help me overcome my pain - and in due course hopefully it wont hurt anymore. I would also like to know whether it is incumbent on the victim to proove to others that he or she has forgiven by being very cordial, which is not always possible. In which event, is it really forgiveness? Hope I got the question right this time. :)
1 person likes this
@6precious102 (4043)
• United States
27 Mar 10
I believe when you forgive, you make a conscious decision not to hold that offense against the offender any longer. It's as though it never happened, so it's never mentioned again to anyone, and it doesn't matter if the offender asks for forgiveness or not. Forgiving can be difficult, but it's more damaging to the one who refuses to forgive that to the one who seeks forgiveness. I truly believe that those who hold grudges cause physical harm to themselves.
@6precious102 (4043)
• United States
31 Mar 10
If a person is a murderer, even if he is remorseful and repents of that deed, he still must suffer the consequences of that deed. However, I've never read in the Bible that God said one sin was any greater than another; but He did say that "all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." -Romans 3:23. I've also never read in the Bible that all sin must be forgiven except the sin of murder. God sacrificed His only begotten Son, Jesus, so we could have forgiveness of sin and the promise of everlasting life. Forgiveness was a conscious decision on God's part just as it has to be a conscious decision of our part - even forgiving someone who killed someone dear.
@6precious102 (4043)
• United States
30 Mar 10
If your forgiveness is sincere, whatever the past offense was will be wiped from the slate and there should be no problem socializing with the former offender. It's the same thing that happens when God forgives us - "As far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us." Psalm 103:12
In the prayer Jesus taught His disciples to pray, there are these words: "Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive thous who trespass against us..." It is my understanding that is a request for God to forgive us to the same extent as we're willing to forgive others. If I want God's full forgiveness, I must be willing to fully forgive.
@vandana7 (98944)
• India
31 Mar 10
In your first response you mentioned "forgive one who seeks forgiveness". Yes, that is definitely understandable. But one who blatantly continues with sin? What do you do to such a person?
As to our father in heaven - as we forgive those, who sin against us, - I dont think I killed anybody to seek god's forgiveness for that. So does it imply that I shouldnt be forgiving somebody who has killed someone dear? Since we are comparing. :)
@Roseo8 (2947)
• India
24 Mar 10
For me its not easy to forgive one who has caused considerable and deliberate pain...And why should I?I am very lenient when it comes to forgiveness for silly mistakes or some unrealised mistakes....But forgiving some one who does not seem to realise the mistake or do not repent is not something I will accept.....Time is a good healer of wounds but there are some wounds which need to be dealt with sternly and strongly,not by yielding ,but by protesting and standing up for what is right on your part,come what may...........
1 person likes this
@vandana7 (98944)
• India
24 Mar 10
I go a step further - a mistake is forgiveable - even if the person doesnt realize it. But not repenting is not! Rose I too feel god wouldnt be putting so many of us through such situations if forgiveness was an acceptable solution to him. Standing up for right makes sense but it does become a pyrrhic victory of sorts. Many people who dont have time to think things through just walk away. Some of them might be good friends. :( So we again lose! But may be that is what god wanted to do. :( Or is it?
@kalav56 (11464)
• India
24 Mar 10
Vandana! I am with you.I too find it difficult to maintain old camraderie with unrepentant souls or people who pretend to care for their own needs.I change my subsequent attitude and behaviour and approach them with a clear mind with no expectations [if it is a close relationship it gets very difficult].With a better objective minsdet and an unwillingness to get exploited[better awareness sets in when we are alert]I jsut have fun if it is such a company.But, I feel that the number of transactions should and would reduce.This ensures our self-respect.
@kalav56 (11464)
• India
24 Mar 10
But one thing! These people who have hurt others deliberately and have no regrets whatsoever, [ they have cleverly pushed things under the carpet forgetting things] need to be told a t least once how they did hurt us.We have to give them a piece of our mind if we have to maintain our individual peace.We can take the relationship thereon where we ourselves would define relationships in future.If they were doing it earlier, now they cannot.
@kalav56 (11464)
• India
25 Mar 10
Vandana! I am unable to follow what you have meant by "For our personality to bloom, may be God expects us to find us a solution to situation and tell others of it."
That apart, I feel that , unrepentant people would still continue to be what they are.We have to tell them , but we can have no expectations that they would repent.If they had the slightest bit of guilt in them they would have mentioned it earlier.So, even when we say things we are only asserting that we are aware of what they did and the fact that they were pretty callous .In this way we are preserving our peace.Now, after doing this ,whether you are going to tolerate their company or put up with them depends on the bonding you had earlier with them, their desire to mend relationships.If they do not care then we do not care.Why invest in a relatonship which we know would definitely be onesided?
@vandana7 (98944)
• India
24 Mar 10
I have to agree with with my need to tell these people how they hurt me. When they are unrepentant, the need to make them appear as unrepentent. May be it is not forgiveness that is expected of us. For our personality to bloom, may be god expects us to find us a solution to situation and tell others of it. What do you say Kala?
@sid556 (30960)
• United States
25 Mar 10
hi vandana,
forgiving can be the hardest thing in the world. You have to do it without worrying about whether or not the person feels sorry or not. I forgave my ex for all the violence and for raping me in front of my oldest daughter and for not helping me raise our kids and a ton more. It took a long long time for me to get beyond my anger and my so-called need for an appology from him. More infuriating was that as long as I was angry, the more he defended himself which made me angrier as there was no real defense. I had to find a reason to forgive him and move on because the anger was just holding me to him. I dont know if i really forgave him but I did find a place where I did not need his appology and I just knew that what happened was his problem. I can be in the same room as he is. He feels worse about what happened than I do. I know that now.
@vandana7 (98944)
• India
25 Mar 10
Hi sid, that is painful! Very painful indeed. You rightly said anger just keeps the link alive! And we do so very much seek that apology! Well, that is a good way to put it - his problem! Ok - so I can also think like that - it is their problem. In fact, I used to think like that. Somewhere in between I changed. Now I have to change back. Thanks for bringing me back sid. You are admirable. :)
@zed_k4 (17589)
• Singapore
25 Mar 10
Hiya Makcik..
Forgiveness comes from the heart.. and being said to the other party. But my take on this is in the heart the person receiving it is not willing to forgive, the chain is broken there and then. Meaning that it's up to that person to deal with God, is what I think.. because even God is all forgiving, so I don't see why humans shouldn't find it in their hearts to forgive one another. But if evil through and through, then it's best to avoid this kind of person.. and let God judge the individual instead.
@zed_k4 (17589)
• Singapore
26 Mar 10
For the forgiving part, oh yes, I so agree. We should inculcate that forgiving habit for sure. Though we can never be God for sure..because God is all forgiving whereas as for us, we humans tend to make mistakes all the way.. but to repent is the best feeling ever..
Society is too adamant on punishing sometimes, even in non direct circumstances, it's a circus totally out there.. I just wish to avoid the circus at times. And I pray that I'll never be a person whom can't see and differentiate the good and the bad ever. Thanks, Makcik..
@vandana7 (98944)
• India
25 Mar 10
Hi anak saudara, god is not fallible as humans. Therefore, why cant humans do it, is like elevating humans to the level fo gods! I think somewhere - even if we forgive - the chain remains broken - unless the other person repairs the harm as far as he or she can. Dont you think it is obligatory on the part of the society to make it peaceful for the victim like that, rather than asking the victim to let go of the pain and get on with life?
@bird123 (10632)
• United States
25 Mar 10
We are all children of God. When one hurts me, I forgive pretty quickly for to not forgive only brings more pain to myself. From here we are all different. I know that the only way people can hate or do evil is because they do not understand what their actions mean. I proceed to point them in the right direction. Sometimes they are so blind that it does no good but it is important that the truth is out there regardless of how painful that truth is. Sometimes, this works really great. God knows what I'm doing and sends help from other people who also point the way resulting in resolution, learning and growing for all involved, which would never have happened if the trouble had not started in the first place. God works in complex ways. I have found the best direction is to forgive quickly, love unconditionally, and work on getting the truth and light out there for the learning and growing. Sure, I get drama with my interaction. Most of the time, I also get results. Wanting the children of God fixed is far more important than hating them!!
@bird123 (10632)
• United States
26 Mar 10
Trust will be an issue but that isn't the real question. Would you go through great adversity in order that someone else will see???? You carry more influence than you realize.Lost people are placed around those who can point the way.Change often comes slowly. You might not see the change but you might have them pointed in the right direction when the final person shows up to change them.Very true that this is not an easy thing to do. Few things worthwhile come easy. You probably already know this is the way I do things. Long ago, I decided that some adversities are worth going through. Trying to avoid all drama is useless energy spent. We are all at different levels. You might not be ready. We all choose our own direction. Perhaps, I've given you a different view to consider. You are more capable than you realize.
@vandana7 (98944)
• India
27 Mar 10
Hi bird, I have been so positively influenced by this discussion. Many of you all have give such profound responses. I have started halting the negative - non forgiving me since the day I started this process. Though I am not sure I will ever reach trust or unconditional love level, but I do think I will be able to walk out of these negative emotions. Thanks a lot. It has helped. 
@vandana7 (98944)
• India
25 Mar 10
I am not sure I seek revenge though I have used that word before. For indeed there can be no revenge that would be fitting enough. But god has done his bit in one case, and I feel sorry enough for the innocent who had to go through it. Is it what I wanted or would have thought of. No. This is not the kind of help that makes sense. May be because the person was not repenting god resorted to this. Loving unconditionally when the person is not repentent is a tough call bird. Getting to the truth is what I tried and did manage to expose these people. That was about 3 years ago. They expect to come back now in my life through some other way. Trust is missing. In any event, indifference is what reigns, as I have people whom I love.
@gracefuldove (1668)
• Malaysia
2 Apr 10
hie vandana, to me forgiveness is not easy. you have to decide what you want to do, forgive the person and move on with your life. or you choose not to forgive the person and keep on nursing the hurt that person causes you. in fact, if you remember the hurt and played it over in your mind, its very painful indeed. it waste your time and energy and do you no good. decide to forgive the person in person, if the person is the forgiving type or the type that can see reasoning and has a warm heart. better go with a friend if need too. if these both suggestions are not workable, then turn to God and tell GOD that you forgive that person. ask God to forgive you too to release you from this burden. He will and you will feel a calm and peace enveloping you. God undesrtands your grief and pain and God is in pain seeing you suffering. thus take your burden to God and ask Him in His wisdom to grant you grace, mercy and favours. do not worry or be anxious too much as you will be down and out. and remember to forgive yourself in all this. GOD is there for you. have a good day vandana and count your blessings and be a blessing to others.
@vandana7 (98944)
• India
2 Apr 10
Hi gracefuldove, that was a very sweet response. :) Yes, it is indeed very difficult to forgive everything. Most people make it sound so easy because they are looking at something that is small and forgettable. But try telling a person that he should be forgiving the Nazis even though his loved ones went to Auschwitz, never to return. I think most people sweep all that pain into some corner of their brain and move on with life. Some painful memories are ruminated so many times that it becomes difficult to forget them. When we are young, we do have differences with our friends, we may at times have sworn enemies as well. But as we grow older, we forget - we've not forgiven, but we've forgotten. So over the period the pain becomes less significant. Offering it to god as you suggest is the best solution. I tell myself - fine if it pains just surrender it to god. For getting justice, dont keep reopening the papers again and again. Let god get time to study the case and arrive at his conclusions. The punishment that he chooses to give will definitely be the better than what I can think of. So I shouldnt waste time thinking what would be the most appropriate punishment for such people, instead I should look forward to a better future. That is the way I handle my pains. I was not always like this, but this is how I have become. I dont think that qualifies as forgiveness. I think that qualifies as an aggrieved approaching god and seeking relief. But god is taken as a friend in front of whom woes are poured out, which is just fine. :)
@saphrina (31552)
• South Africa
24 Mar 10
Sweetie, let me put it this way. If forgiveness doesn't come from the heart, then you can forget about it. I cannot forgive very easily. I won't apologise, invite to dinner or smile at that person. If someone hurts me, all hell breaks loose. And i am tired, to keep looking where me heart went everytime. It is tiresome, you know. TATA.
@bystander (2292)
• Philippines
25 Mar 10
i express forgiveness in word and in deed. for me, words are not enough when forgiving somebody who has committed you wrong. forgiveness should erase all traces of bitterness and anger, thus words should be complemented with action like kindness and the same level of warmth and love towards a persons seeking forgiveness.
@bystander (2292)
• Philippines
29 Mar 10
if i forgive, i impose no conditions. having conditions, even reservations, is no forgiveness at all.
@anitarei321 (548)
• Japan
29 Mar 10
by not feel hurt,not easy but trying to forget with not talking about it,pretend nothing happen and do as normal,like when i got fight with my ex husband we don`t talk at the moment but when time to wake up in the morning i said good morning and prepare food that he like and just forget yesterday like nothing happen he always say...i don`t know about you why you can do all nice thing after we did fight talk last night and i just smiling over now walk for today to tomorrow:)to forgive is just by forget,show love and care and make sure the person know that you really forgive them if not no point we do all thing:)right...
@derek_a (10874)
•
25 Mar 10
As a Zen practitioner, I do not see forgiveness as something you do, but something you can be. You can be forgiving, but you cannot make it happen. First of all you have to be willing to forgive, but being willing is also a state of being and not something you do.
In Zen, we live with the question of "how do I forgive?" and that is all that we can do, and then one day, we may realize that we have forgiven, but to define it, is beyond our mind's capacity. It is only something the soul can understand. _Derek
_Derek@vandana7 (98944)
• India
28 Mar 10
Hi derek, that makes a lot of sense, indeed a lot of sense. :)
But since you mentioned that you are a Zen practitioner, I will take this liberty to ask a question of you. I have quoted this example elsewhere in this discussion, but I will repeat it anyway. Suppose I was driving - and my cell starts ringing. I lift the cell, and before I realize I kill somebody.
Now wouldnt the people who lost their loved one find it easier to forgive me if I went out of my way for the rest of their lives to be nice to them? If I understood their pain, and stood there in silence listening to them cursing me, calling me names, and whatever - knowing fully well that they would not have uttered those things had I been a bit more carefull? Wouldnt they be more forgiving when they realize that it was not because I was really indifferent?
I think it would be right on my part to forgive somebody who had wronged me and was genuinely sorry for it. But expecting me to forgive somebody who has wronged me and is not sorry for what was not a mistake but a deliberate crime - it is unfair - and I think forgiveness does not happen in that direction at all.
@jdyrj777 (6530)
• United States
25 Mar 10
Most things i just let it repel off me like water on a ducks feathers. Major things like a unrepenting cheater is a whole other story. You can forgive an repeat cheater but that doesnt mean you have to continue to allow them to be a close intimate friend.
@JudiAnn (10)
• United States
25 Mar 10
Forgiveness in not just laying down and taking it. To forgive is to pass your problem on to God, and trust Him to bring justice to the situation. It doesn't mean you need to be best buddies with those who hurt you, but be civil to them. It means going on with your life and not allowing the wrongs of the past to haunt and hurt you. Forgiveness is for your benefit. Nursing grudges harms your soul more than it harms the person you have the grudge against. Even if the wrongdoer has no remorse, forgiveness will heal you. Living well is the best revenge. Forgiveness is not allowing the past to cripple your future.
@vandana7 (98944)
• India
28 Mar 10
Hi JudiAnn, couldnt agree with you more. As I was mentioning to Balasri, in god's court, it is god who chooses to punish, and make the person realize how bad he or she has been - especially if the person is deliberately closing his or her eyes to the sin. I dont think there can be anything that I can do which will ever give me a lifetime relief from the pain - so the need for revenge and grudges are essentially temporary phenomena - real relief walks in only when the person who has hurt me realizes where and when he or she went wrong and feels sorry about that and tries to repair the harm as far as he or she can.
At times people do not realize immediately, - but then when they do, it is incumbent on them to restore peace.
I also agree nursing grudges is harmful for us. It delays the judgment process from god's end. God possibly gets confused - now what exactly should I do to give relief here? So ideally - offering pain to god - and moving on is right. That doesnt mean we are defeated in any way. It just means that it is god who will take the decision. We could be the lower courts, and the case now is in Apex court kind of thing.
I dont think forgiveness is feasible without the victim feeling sorry for the errant. In fact, in my opinion - there is no forgiveness without that.
@sanjana_aslam (4187)
• Malaysia
28 Mar 10
hi v ..
i dont forgive or forget ... i just move on with other things ... there are too ooo ooo many things that me and my husband argue about as we have difference of opinion on many issues related to our life and future ..
what i learned over the years of my life not to let those things to spoil my today and now .. let what happen yesterday be a history and lesson ..
in regards to the pain, yes until today i can not forgive my hubby listenng to his mother and delayed my wedding for 15 years, cant forgive his sister for calling me mistress during those years and the mother for telling him i had bad intentions to marry him .. but i dont want those things to spoil my 'now' i just "TRY" dumping those memories in far away corner of my mind until it rots
cheers
@blue65packer (11826)
• United States
25 Mar 10
Try forgiving a father who is a bigot,a racist,opinionated,thinks I don't believe in God because I don't attend or belong to a church? I will never forgive him for never saying he loves me,blaming for things while growing up I didn't do (thanks to him I still struggle with self-confidence and self-esteem),treating my mom like crap,treating my older brother and sister like crap, and saying the Holocast never happen! He even said if it did the Jews deserved it! No way I'm I going to forgive the devil's brother! Even if I did I'm sure he would be so happy he'd fill himself with pride and arrogance that he'd brag about like he won the health vote like Obama did! This is why I struggle with and really think God is laughing at me right now! He has given up on me! I really believe that! So you can see why I can't forgive and refuse too!
@magtibaygom (4858)
• Philippines
27 Mar 10
Here is a simple truth about forgiveness: To forgive is to forget.
