Are you able assert yourself when the situation demands? or do you give in....?

@kiran8 (15320)
Mangalore, India
May 20, 2010 10:54pm CST
Friends, most of us would try to make relationships work even when there are adverse conditions.But there are times when certain individuals can be very dominating or trying.Some people tolerate this and go on suffering such attitudes from others rather than be assertive.They would rather give in to others demands than be assertive and have their own say in any given situation. Whereas , there are some other people who are always assertive in any relationship... I personally would like to do my best to maintain any relationship, may be even put up with a certain amount of aggressive behavior from others if it balances out.But I can be assertive if the situation demands, however that would be the last step that I would take ... How about you all friends? would you prefer to give in most of the time or would like to assert yourself...
2 people like this
9 responses
@bhanusb (5709)
• India
21 May 10
Hi kiran, I'm always not assertive. Sometimes submissive. Those whom I don't like I try to avoid them. I don't want to go any clash. It's better to remain far from those whom I don't like. It helps not to break relationship.
@kiran8 (15320)
• Mangalore, India
22 May 10
Hi bhanu, what you say makes sense . I agree that it is difficult to maintain relationships and one wrong word the whole thing turns sour.But sometimes when you are being taken for a ride or being taken for granted it is better to assert yourself than give in and mentally suffer more ..
• India
22 May 10
Hi kiran, yes I am able to assert myself most of the times in my life.When I am sure of something and determined to have my way, I do make sure that I do so by all means.I hate people dominating others and make them do what they want.I also hate too much of interference in anyones lives , which can lead to frustration and a breakdown in the relationships if one is not careful !
@kiran8 (15320)
• Mangalore, India
22 May 10
Hi sumant, You seem like a person with strong ideas and sure of yourself.I agree that too much interference can harm any kind of relationship and leads to frustration and resentment.thanks a lot for your response, all the best and happy mylotting
• India
24 May 10
Kiran, it depends entirely on us as to how much another person can influence our actions and thoughts.If we are in control of ourselves it is not easy for others to do so unless we are convinced of it.For ex: A person might want to be controlled to a certain extent by someone he loves, and, that too only after realisingf that there is happiness for both in doing so.Other than that One has to be in control where manipulation or dominance by others is concerned.
@kiran8 (15320)
• Mangalore, India
24 May 10
Sumant, I am in total agreement with you.But I see it this way.We can put our foot down in some situations and with certain people because we are not too bothered about the consequences that follow.But with others we tend to be careful about how we deal because they matter to us and we do not mind putting up with certain amount of attitude from them..
@dawnald (84069)
• Shingle Springs, California
21 May 10
I don't like conflict, so I sometimes find myself saying yes when I really should have said no. Then I ask myself, "why did I do that?" I'm trying to speak up more and be truer to myself, but it's hard to undo habits that I've had all my life.
@kiran8 (15320)
• Mangalore, India
22 May 10
Yes I understand.I heard someone wise say that as children we get conditioned to be docile and a child is exposed to more negative words like 'No' , Dont do it and the rest of it since the time he/she begins to understand the implications. It is only natural that we should grow with the feeling hat we should please all, and when you finally begin to assert yourself you become the villain or the vamp...
2 people like this
@kalav56 (11497)
• India
22 May 10
KIran! This is what I too wrote in my subsequent comment.Oncce we become assertive people don't like it because we have never established apattern earlier; so they canot tolerate it.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84069)
• Shingle Springs, California
23 May 10
Yeah they don't understand the change in behavior.
1 person likes this
@kalav56 (11497)
• India
21 May 10
I am also a bit like you Kiran! [THis is all for outsiders and not for one's spouse because in thIS context we , who, belong to the patriarchal system have to give in to the man's fair demands. If we don't there is no point fighting ; we jUSt have to walk out.That is a decision thAT is individual.So I exclude that from our conversation.] I keep placing an inordinate value on relationships to the extent of being beaten [even by select very close relatives].I am now totally cheesed off with " need based relationships" and I blame myself for not being fully aware of the nature of people. I just turned a blind eye to what stared me on the face and used to give in [but this I used to do after protesting].My husband used to tell me "you are willing to just injure but not hurt". What is th e use ultimately? We say things and keep doing thngs for the sake of maintaining relationships. We end up fools. Dominating people get the upper hand because we want relationship.They do not want it.Or it should be on htier terms and conditions. It is good that you can be assertive if you want. I am trying to be, but I do have difficulties where my emotions are involved. Emotional detachment goes a long way and also a bit of hardheartedness that would not yield to "What would happen to my reputation ?' would also go a long way. We must all obey our conscience and talk to people the language they can understand [they may not like it but it is their problem]-this last sentence is wishful thinking Kiran because I have a long way to go- I am sure you are also talking about some relative of yours.
@kiran8 (15320)
• Mangalore, India
21 May 10
Hi kala, thanks a lot for your response.I agree with you that need based relationships do take a lot out of you.But at the same time we cannot help having them and go through with them..I think it is nature's rule about the survival of the fittest.Even among us humans it prevails, physically and mentally stronger people tend to dominate others just because of their forceful personality.It depends on us - how we are going to counter that without hurting or getting hurt.It really is a toug act to maintain...It can be relatives or friends too...But it is much easier with friends, because you become close friends only after having gone through different stages in your relationship..
@kalav56 (11497)
• India
21 May 10
With friends, it is generally easier because we choose our friends. Once we know we have difficulties coping with the nature of a friend, our interactions reduce; but with close relatives this does not happen and here it is not a survival of the fittest Kiran.it is just exercising power for the sake of it.We are all not dependent on anyone and we just look at interactions from a relationship point of view. But some people are just power mad and dominating and this is very irritating.Once we assert ourselves, the camraderie in the relationship reduces and this is something I find difficult to stomach.Why should it be "we will maintain cordiality on my terms and conditions" from one side?
@kiran8 (15320)
• Mangalore, India
24 May 10
I know what you mean kala, I guess some people with domineering traits resent anyone countering them and showing that they can stand upto them.I feel it is a very childish trait where a person always likes to dominate and turn things to his/her advantage.It is utter selfish behavior thats all...
@balasri (26549)
• India
21 May 10
I am a true Arian.You can guess what type of person am I from the following traits.These are 100% applicable to me. Leadership qualities are the forte of Arians. Courage reflects from the readiness, for action, in the people born under Aries. You will be pushed into a novel region due to your desire for excitement. Your confidence makes people follow you while you lead. You fight for anything which you believe to be important. It is not that Arians are intrepid. You remain committed to face your fears and defeat them. Difficulties may creep in due to impulsive actions. You could suffer due to false commencement as you do not collect sufficient information beforehand, probably due to your impetuous nature. In fact, you Arians are very good at starting things that you start working on your next project even before completing the previous one. Your maturity persuades you to slow down your reaction time to take time to think about the consequences of your actions.
@kiran8 (15320)
• Mangalore, India
21 May 10
Hi balasri I too am an Arian...Is that what it truely says about arians But what is told about impulsiveness is 100% true...and about not collecting enough information and starting another project before completing the previous oneThose seem very immature traits right?
1 person likes this
@balasri (26549)
• India
22 May 10
Immature ,Yes.But isn't it too late ?We can't wither change our star or choose our parents.
@kiran8 (15320)
• Mangalore, India
24 May 10
LOL yes I guess it is too late , but a person can be immature even at 80....It all depends on the situation.We keep on learning and undoing our mistakes all our life..
1 person likes this
@charylady (424)
• Philippines
21 May 10
i am the kind of person who tries to avoid confrontation. so most of the time i just back off and let people have their way. sometimes i resist passively and if i can't really stand the situation i leave.
@kiran8 (15320)
• Mangalore, India
21 May 10
Hi charylady, thanks a lot for your response.As long as you are able to put up with such a situation it is alright, but if you are always at the receiving end and if it frustrates you then I would feel that the need for asserting oneself becomes necessary at least some of the time ...all the best and happy mylotting
• Philippines
22 May 10
i have not been pushed to my limit yet. most of the time i think it's not worth the trouble; no need to stress myself out :)
@kiran8 (15320)
• Mangalore, India
24 May 10
Thats good You need lots of patience to do that and not everyone can be so...all the best and happy mylotting
@med889 (5954)
21 May 10
There are times in my couple where I will easily be accepting my fault and say sorry but there are times when I will never be doing so in a discussion when I am not to be blame so there's goes the fight and arguments until one is not abandoning. It happens in a normal relationship and I am happy that me and my partner we have both undergone many arguments to be able to still be beside each other.
@kiran8 (15320)
• Mangalore, India
21 May 10
Hi med, thanks a lot for your response I agree that there are bound to be many arguments and fights between 2 people ...As long as one person is not being taken advantage all the time, it continues to be a normal and balanced situation...Thats when the question of being assertive comes in - All the best and happy mylotting
@sender621 (14934)
• United States
21 May 10
When I was younger, I was quick to give in.Going against the crowd was not easy. Now that I am older and wiser, I have learned to be more assertive. Certain situations just call for it. You can't let people walk on you because you were afraid of confrontation.
@kiran8 (15320)
• Mangalore, India
21 May 10
Hi sender, I feel that I too am becoming more assertive now, having experienced enough pain and humiliations.I have also noticed that , at least now I am not taken too much for granted.It still happens but not too often..Thanks a lot for your response and happy mylotting
• Singapore
21 May 10
Hi kiran, I'm non-confrontational by nature and give in most of the time in a relationship. But some things that happened recently which made me think about what I'm doing. I'm not doing justice to myself nor to my daughter under my care, if I do not assert myself. My partner took advantage of me during the times when I gave in and I remain quiet. But enough is enough. After some incidents happened which made him realize all the mistakes that he has made, I began to assert myself. We can be at loggerheads sometimes, but I stand firm on my belief. As such, he's got no choice at the moment. I know that one of these days, he'd be pushed to a corner and retaliate. I will be ready for any consequences. He knows that and it terrifies him. He has hurt me enough and I realize that I have not been assertive enough all these while.
@kiran8 (15320)
• Mangalore, India
21 May 10
Hi Sydney, I guess most people who are balanced do give in , because they want to maintain the good relationship.But it can lead to serious consequences when others take advantage of you, especially your partner.It happens when you have had enough and retaliate inmost cases.I feel one needs to be firm about certain things in life so that one is not taken advantage of...Thanks a lot for your response and happy mylotting