Being Submissive

United States
June 7, 2010 4:07pm CST
I want very badly to be a submissive wife. My husband and I have gone through alot in our short marriage, but I think alot of our problems is because I am very hot headed and head strong. And there is nothing wrong with that but being married that way hasn't exactly worked so I want to try very hard to become submissive to my husband, and he really does deserve it. My only problem is changing myself to be that way. How many of ya'll submit to your spouse and how do you do it? I just want to try somehting new..
1 person likes this
10 responses
• Mexico
8 Jun 10
Hi Lilly Belle Daisy Rose: I don't know what to tell you. Did you really want to be submissive? I think that's not ok in a relationship because good relationships are based on self respect and respect to your partner. Maybe you have to evaluate if you're being unfair at some points with your husband and you just need to try to be better but it's not ok that you want to get to the point of being a submissive woman. Thanks for asking us this question. Have a nice day. ALVARO.
1 person likes this
@vandana7 (99663)
• India
8 Jun 10
I am not married, so I shouldnt be really answering this. My non-submissive nature to my father's whims and wills is primarily because of his attitude, which is not what is in your case. I too try to tackle it with humor, and at times with tears, and at times verbally. I'd say verbal duels are about 20 percent of our relationship, but any psychiatrist would tell you that is healthy!
• India
8 Jun 10
Ahem!
• India
8 Jun 10
I am not married either. But do you sincerely think that is what its all about? Love you more than yesterday. God bless you
• India
10 Jun 10
@meluan Zada dudh, ghee peene se admi vais ban jata hain
@Galena (9110)
8 Jun 10
you don't need to be submissive. especially not just because you are the woman and he is the man. that's not how life works. if you find that you argue easily, then it may be that you both need to learn to comprimise, and to know when you've gone too far, and always forgive each other for arguments. it takes two to argue, so the fault doesn't lie just with you. you both need to change. it may be that you need to take time to yourself if you feel yourself getting angry, then come back to the situation when you've calmed down. if you do this, he needs to respect when you need that space and not intrude on it. or maybe he has actions that provoke that, and he may need to address his actions that do that. the answer isn't to tell yourself that you need to submit to him. you'll just end up resenting him for that. the answer is to work together and comprimise.
• Mexico
8 Jun 10
Hi Galena: I agree with you, I think Lilly was taught that women have to be submissibe and that's no rational. Both men and women have the same rights and we can't make a difference in this subject. In a relationship there shouldn't be a person that dominates the other one. Marriage is about love and not about domination. And just as you mention there are some other ways that are better to improve a relationship and both parts have to work on it. Thanks for your answer. Have a nice day. ALVARO.
@censae (72)
• United States
15 Jul 10
I think that first of all make sure you understand what the concept of submissiveness is. It sounds to me that you need to explore ways to develop some skills around the issue of self- control. There IS power in compromise. This sounds like a character trait rather than a personality flaw. Changing character is much more difficult than changing personalty. This behavior serves some purpose for you.You have recognized that the behavior can be distructive. It is clear that it is not you intention to be distructive, yet you hold on to it. Are you sure that you are truly communicating with your husband and better yet is he open to listening to your point of view. Are you open to listening to his. If he is the leader or the final decision maker, then he needs to know all of the facts. If he is not open to that, then I would be concerned about his ability to lead effectively or make viable decisions. In a unit, if there is a change in one part then certainly change will occur in the other. Work with it. It is not a whim. It is a life change. Think about the issues of trust and fear on both your parts. Good luck.
@aguas_aj (498)
• Philippines
20 Jun 10
Well, I can relate to you, and same as you, we usually argue when things don't meet the same way we want it to be done. And Honestly, It's usually me who wins, just to skip all the drastic argument.But sometimes, I feel, I'm being overly controlling. So one day, a friend advice me, that my husband wouldn't want to just always follow. I should also try to listen and see the result of his decision for the family. And so I did,What I usually do is simple, to whatever decision he does for us, i let him be carried out and just have a back up plan in case, things get a little out of hand. So far, we are doing good. And more happy and peaceful.. The only secret is, TRY to LISTEN and FOLLOW.. We may not always, get what we exactly want, but we should learn how to clean whatever mess, incase things get little out of our league. You'll get use to it
• India
8 Jun 10
Hi, Its not about marriage. It never was. No matter how many people you mix up with, no matter how many people you live with, YOU as an individual will always come in the forefront. What I mean is that, your individual characteristics will always have a significant impact on every relationship you make. In order to find out the root cause of anger we have to go deep inside you. There I am seeing expectations, a spring from where every negative feelings are coming out. The reason you fail every time to change yourself is that, you just want to change your behavior. That really doesn't stay. If you want that change to be permanent, change from inside. Change yourself, change your self. Change your perspective. Everything you see, everything you desire for is perishable. Nothing really lasts forever. Why do we have to expect from such things? Lower the level of your expectations and you will be more relaxed and sangfroid. If you really wanna hold on to something, it must be divinity. Surrender yourself to God and the more you do that the more flexible and calm you will be. Love everybody, forgive everyone. Every human being is inherently imperfect. Human beings, just because of being humans, can't go beyond these imperfections. You have your flaws, I have mine, and so does everybody else. If we can't forgive, we don't deserve to be forgiven. Let it go. This is the sole key of being happy forever. Learn to detach yourself any moment. Study yourself before even thinking about changing yourself. Take all the responsibilities of whatever is happening to you. Once you realize your mistakes, they are not mistakes anymore. They become your realization. Stop blaming yourself. It is no less injustice than blaming others. Stay happy. Appreciate what you already have and start your day by thanking God for it. Thanks God bless you
@vandana7 (99663)
• India
8 Jun 10
Hi biswa, what you have cited is expectation from within. I will cite an example of how external forces can disturb peace prompting a more rash behavior. My father is 75+. This year he took over as the maintenance person for the building, much against my wishes. In the past he has mismanaged, and others have accused him, and I have had to shell down from my hard earned monies. This time too, it is repeating, on a much higher scale. But my papa has a way of shouting "shut up, shut up", everytime I try to oppose this. He no longer beats, but in the not so distant past, that was very much there, making me sort of defiant towards him. Once he takes up maintenance, he starts imposing arbitrary rules and others hate it. Day before yesterday, my neighbor asked him on what basis has he charged the water amount. Dad showed him the total water consumption, which he painstakingly prepared on Excel sheet. Then he told my neighbor you had guests last month so I have charged you for 12 extra members. My neighbor admitted he had guests as his grandfather was hospitalized. But he said they were not 12 - just 6 - most of them were visitors who had a house of their own in the city and that he himself had taken a room in the hotel near the hospital as the distance needed to be covered! Dad said cant we see? Dont I know what goes on inside your house? That was so rude! He keeps on making enemies and I am left with all people talking behind me as I walk in and out the building. This is the second building that I've started feeling uncomfortable in. We cant sell the house everytime we make enemies can we? I try to lamely tell him - it is possible - dont we visit people who are grieving? He starts shouting, Shut up, just shut up, get inside. :) I do have problems in being submissive at all times to such behavior. Of course, he has blood pressure problems. But he refuses to take medicines. He says they are costly! We can afford them Biswa! I am so tired of these situations.
• India
8 Jun 10
Unlike what some other friends said here, I believe more can be gained in being submissive than being 'somebody else'. Everything is gonna be fine. Take all the time you need. You don't have to focus so much on being submissive. Wisdom will automatically make you submissive. So try to acquire that.
• India
8 Jun 10
@Vandana Just wait for a few more days. I am gonna get a job quite soon. Then we can live together happily ever after. My parents will be more than happy to have another member in our family. I will treat you as one of them. Happiness is a choice, and will make a conscious choice like that. Don't even think that I am kidding. Its an open declaration I am making. When things seem hard to bear alone, we must fight them together. Thats the simplest rule I've known. Will you manage living in a place like Kolkata?
@Hatley (163781)
• Garden Grove, California
8 Jun 10
hi LillyBelleDaisyRose I used to throw things when I got really angry but my sweet husband taught me through his laughter better ways to control my anger. I was never submissive but was more diplomatic and we did compromise a lot both of us, so we did not fight a lot either. In fact I married the eternal optimist while I was sad to sad more of a pessimist but I taught him to just not blindly believe everything any stranger said,and he taught me to be more open to meeting new people too.were you the shy little one when he courted you and married you? if not maybe he loved the you you were then and still are.just tone down the agruments and do some compromising each of you and I think he will be vey happy with you. It is not about being submissive but being more agreeable and more open to other ideas than your own so you can compromise here and there instead of arguing all the time.
@mrfdg1972 (3237)
• Philippines
8 Jun 10
You are just like my wife, hot headed & head strong. I does not bother me though, i love her for what she is. Nway, you dont have to change, you just need a close talk with your husband, WIFE: My dear I am very sorry I know I have been hot headed and head strong most of the times, I want to make up for it, I need to transform myself. I need your help. HUSBAND: Well honey, what can i do to help? WIFE: You need to wake up 5 AM prepare the kids and their meals, fetch them to school and pick up groceries on your way home, after you do the garden you can eat lunch and do the clothes, and when everything is alright you can prepare dinner before you pick up the kids. ( lets see how the husband react to that) I do understand how my wife can be so hot headed sometimes and in reality your hands and caressing are so effective in making us guys just melt.
7 Jun 10
We don't argue that much simply because I have managed to control my hot headedness over the last couple of years. You don't have to become submissive just more diplomatic. If you have something to say to your husband and you know it may cause friction, just try thhinking of amither way to express yourself without saying the first thing that comes into your head. I have gotten round many situations with being clam and making suggestions that would work in my favour. Remember that you have to compromise within a relationship. Another thing I do (which is funny really) I just totally zone out when he is talking to me sometimes and I am getting really good at it now! LOL.
• Canada
8 Jun 10
I don't have a husband but I do have a wife. We encounter problems because the both of us are very headstrong and determined which is something I love about her however it causes a fair amount of arguments. Usually when we fight I end up walking away and laying in the bedroom until she calms down and I calm down and one of us will go to the other and provide comfort and support which will usually lead to the other person also appolagizing and providing comfort then we are all happy and go do whatever it is we feel like doing. This can be challenging to back down but you have to learn to discern when a discussion is going somewhere and when it is going nowhere. I find after arguing so long emotions become very involved and it isn't really about the original point anymore it is both people defending themselves which when that happens the argument is just that.