Mixed messages/letting go
By TheRealDawn
@dawnald (85137)
Shingle Springs, California
July 2, 2010 4:15pm CST
It's hard to let go. Even when you're the one who wants the relationship to end, you find yourself engaging in things that you shouldn't care about any more. For example, the in-laws. We loaned some money to the brother-in-law last year, because he's been unemployed and needed some help. Then we bailed him out on his car payment this March. And we agreed not to send him any more money, because we can't afford to. So I found out that R send him some money this week, car payment again. He put it on his new credit card, and his brother is paying him back right away. Still, I was steamed that he did something behind my back that we agreed that we weren't going to do. And then I took a deep breath and realized that it really wasn't any of my business any more. As long as it doesn't come out of any of the (yeah we haven't split them yet) joint accounts, tain't none of my durn bidness. Once I realized that, I wasn't mad any more.
Meanwhile, he still hasn't moved out, we still haven't told the twins, he's still acting like there's something he can do to save the marriage. Morning and night, pretty much every day, he's coming up with something that he thinks will help change my mind. He just doesn't get that I am truly done, and that anything he tries just annoys me and makes me want to get the heck out of here. And I realize part of the problem here is that I am giving off mixed messages. He yaps at me, I mostly just listen instead of walking away. He grabs my hand or blocks my way for a hug, and I just put up with it. Mainly I do that so as not to provoke some kind of an angry reaction. But still, mixed messages. I need to move him out and I need to make him stop all the talking, hugging, etc. In no uncertain terms. Easier said than done. I just don't want to face the dark side of things, that's the problem. But I have to...
7 people like this
18 responses
@Hatley (163772)
• Garden Grove, California
3 Jul 10
oh dawn that must be so hard as old memories etc. will crowd
in but I think since you put the ball in motion you do need
to move ahead. I can see he still does not really get it.
Thats sad but when something is over and the fat lady finally
sung, its time for him to accept it and move out. I imagine you
have had to be the peace maker for so lont its hard to get out
of that mode. I can imagine you don't want to provoke the kind
of action that had sent you finally to a divorce but still
maybe you should tell him no more hugs, its over and please
think about moving out.yes nobody wants to face that anger bit
'but you must do it, hard as it is. I am a fine one for advising'as I was married for 33 years to the man I loved and he always made me smile and laugh. He was seldom ever angry, so I would have no clue as to how to deal with a husband whose anger gets the best of him. altho I lived through the damnable fights my parents had.
2 people like this
@GardenGerty (169477)
• United States
3 Jul 10
Well, we are standing here behind you, wishing you all the best. I also understand how hard it is to face the dark side of things, and I am sure many others do too. Let us know when you are ready. We will be here.
2 people like this
@paula27661 (15811)
• Australia
3 Jul 10
It is hard to let go of the way things have always been done. My sister experienced this when she separated from her partner. He is very bad with money which was a huge issue in their relationship. He earns a lot and wastes just as much and a while ago he booked a very expensive hotel room ($400 a night) for him and his daughter on his visitation weekend. My sister was furious at the ridiculous waste of cash for a child who just wanted to be with her dad and could not have cared less about a posh room with a spa! I reminded her that how he spends his money is no longer any of her business and this is just another confirmation that he is an idiot!
I think men need to be told things very clearly before they ‘get it’ so you may have to be very up front and tell him exactly how it is, although I know you may have to face arguments and conflict but if you don’t he will probably continue to live in false hope.
It’s a tough place to be especially because you have children and you may have to take brutal action in order for some peace of mind and happiness down the track.
2 people like this
@cynthiann (18612)
• Jamaica
2 Jul 10
I am going to be brutal.To be perfectly honest you should look into yourself and think about what is making you not tell him to move out or whatever you planned to do. For example: Are you scared of him? Are you scared if what he may say or do or drag the children in it? Tell the twins now - especially Carey- as he needs time to assimilate the change before going back to school.Wasn't that the plan? Have you found a place to live? When is the house going on the market? Or are you planning to stay in the house for a while? Something is stopping you. You can start by telling him not to hug you etc. Tell him that you are not changing your mind at all. Finis. Maybe he and his brother can set up house together or go back to their Mom.
He ain't going anywhere unless you push him. I am so sorry to be so blunt - you know that I do care for your happiness.
He ain't going anywhere unless you push him. I am so sorry to be so blunt - you know that I do care for your happiness.1 person likes this
@dawnald (85137)
• Shingle Springs, California
2 Jul 10
I just don't want any unpleasantness, I guess. But I realize he isn't going to do anything voluntarily. Yeah I'm afraid he might do something hurtful to the children (verbal). After all, he has in the past. As for the house, I'm staying in it, he's moving out. I may stay in the house for a while, but ultimately I will have to sell it. I'd love to be able to keep the finances together until the end of the year when the big credit card balance gets paid off. After that I can afford things better. But that's probably not happening.
@cynthiann (18612)
• Jamaica
3 Jul 10
Can you get him to commit to a date for moving out?
1 person likes this
@gabs8513 (48686)
• United Kingdom
15 Aug 10
Yes Dawn you do have to
My Ex Husband tried all that before the threats started
I would push him away from me, I would not listen to him, I didn't even flinch when he threatened to hit me
It is going to get tough once you push it all away but that is where you have to be really strong and not let him get to you as he will try all sorts
@sarahruthbeth22 (43143)
• United States
3 Jul 10
Maybe it is my temper? Or maybe I am a b!tch deep inside but the moment I Know it is over. I am not responding to anything, I would not let him touch me. I would start looking for my own place and once I found one I would start packing. One day he woud come home and I would be gone.Just like the scene in the movie About Last Night. they wern't married but she moved into his place, Once it was over, he came home and the apratment looked as though she had never been there. All her stuff was gone all ob his bachelor stuff had returned! I guess I am a cold hearted B!tch! I like that! Anyway , you Have to make it clear it is over or he will think all these " things" he is doing are making you want to stay.
1 person likes this
@LittleMel (8742)
• Canada
29 Nov 10
I think it's harder because he is still living there with you
If you have a child together I can imagine it can be hard too because everytime you see the child, you see him
I never divorced anyone, but I have closed a lot of doors
It's easier because of my personality
I am more about practicality, If I don't need it, I don't want it around me
hurtful people, liars, manipulators, cheaters - I don't need them in my life
I hate clutters
@dawnald (85137)
• Shingle Springs, California
29 Nov 10
Yeah, he has the bedroom and could lock the door if he wanted to. I have the bonus room, and he thinks he can walk in any time he wants and say anything he wants. The other night I got so annoyed, I told him if he didn't stop, he needed to leave. Didn't take me seriously, I think.
@jillhill (37353)
• United States
4 Jul 10
I remember when I left....I cried the day I packed up my dishes...you are right..it's hard to let go of somethings....and my ex brought home a new Mustang...trying to win back my heart..It is one of the hardest things you'll go through as we get used to routines...and he is still in your routine...time to face up and get it behind you so you can start working on your future!
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85137)
• Shingle Springs, California
5 Jul 10
Sometimes it seems so normal having him still here and then he gets in my face. Ugh.
@sid556 (30953)
• United States
6 Jul 10
Hi there Dawn,
He is still there? yes, you do have to get him gone. You really do and I am betting he is really dragging his feet in hopes of turning things around. I lived with my ex for nearly a year after we decided to split. It was ok for a while but towards the end it was starting to get ugly. Once he saw that I was actively looking for a place and had the money to get a place....he got evil. I actually reached a point where I was afraid of him. I hope your ex will be more civil but people do act in ways they wouldn't otherwise when going thru something like this.
@dawnald (85137)
• Shingle Springs, California
7 Jul 10
Last night we were going through the settlement agreement and he couldn't believe, was genuinely astonished, that I wanted him to move out. This morning he was begging me to reconsider again. It's going to be a fun few months...
@marguicha (230350)
• Chile
3 Jul 10
Dear Dawn,
Things will be very difficult for you as long as you both live under the same roof. But unless you tell the twins, he will not move. He has to feel that it´s not his house anymore. And I´m sure that all you are going through is something the children feel and grasp even if they don´t exactly know what is happening. You can´t give a clear message until the children know. Because you are putting an act for their sake. Be careful, sweetie. A BIG HUG!!!
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85137)
• Shingle Springs, California
3 Jul 10
I never thought of that (he won't move until we tell the twins)...
@dawnald (85137)
• Shingle Springs, California
3 Jul 10
Stupid thing is, I'm sitting here waiting for HIM to bring it up. And he's no doubt just sitting here waiting for things to die down...
@marguicha (230350)
• Chile
3 Jul 10
That, my love, means only one thing: you have to do it. And the sooner the better. He´s messing up your entire lives by just being there. And the worst thing is that you are in very different plays but on the same stage.
You are brave, dawn. Kick him out by stopping that role of "daddy takes family downtown to buy things for everyone and eating out". Goodness!!! It´s not even a good title. Too long. There´s an extra character there.
HUGS!!!
1 person likes this
@Janey1966 (24170)
• Carlisle, England
2 Jul 10
Hiya Dawn, so sorry you have to go through all this "pain" but why not cut and paste what you have just written, print it off and show it him as it's obvious you can't tell him what you really think.
Just a thought..
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85137)
• Shingle Springs, California
2 Jul 10
Really obvious. Sigh. I actually do better e-mailing him than handing him something. It's like I don't even want to be on the same continent when I hand him bad news...
@Janey1966 (24170)
• Carlisle, England
2 Jul 10
I do sympathise, I really do. When it comes to telling the twins I don't suppose he's the type to sit down with you and talk to them about it?
No, I didn't think so..
When it comes to telling the twins I don't suppose he's the type to sit down with you and talk to them about it?
No, I didn't think so..1 person likes this
@dawnald (85137)
• Shingle Springs, California
2 Jul 10
I think he will. He already did an end run around me and told Dearra. I want to talk with the twins together while he's calm.
@BarBaraPrz (51819)
• St. Catharines, Ontario
3 Jul 10
Courage, my friend, courage...
(doesn't seem to be a fitting smiley)
1 person likes this
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
2 Jul 10
Well, a good start that you can do as soon as Monday is get the financials taken care of. Unjoin the bank accounts.. take his name off the mortgage if you're keeping the house, make sure none of the household bills are in his name.
1 person likes this
@Opal26 (17679)
• United States
3 Jul 10
Dawn, You are a smart and strong lady and know exactly what you want!
I don't know why you are evening questioning yourself at this point.
You have been saying you want him gone for so long now and you have
started the proceedings, you've already got it planned, (in more ways
than one) so follow through! You need to give the kids time to adjust
and the sooner you do it the better! At least they are off from school
now so the transition can be slightly easier. My family split up and
then got back together, the getting back thing was the mistake! But,
no matter what the separating, to a child is really difficult to deal
with when they love both parents (didn't love my father so that was easier).
I really feel for you having to tell the twins, but as others have advised,
he should be there with you so they don't try to place the blame unfairly.
Nobody said this was going to be easy for ya, but see how many of your
friends are here to let you know that we're on your side! Hugs, Opal
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85137)
• Shingle Springs, California
3 Jul 10
I keep wussing out and he keeps coming back around like things are going to work out. I'm not really questioning myself, more like needing to realize that his promised cooperation is only going to happen if I push (the right way) and that I can't say something once and expect him to "get it", because he doesn't want to get it.
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
6 Jul 10
I've never been through a breakup that involved children, but I believe it would be far harder to do than in a relationship that didn't involve children. That said, I think that you do need to stand up for yourself because the longer that he tries to hold onto the relationship, the more difficult it is going to be when the true end comes for both you and also for the twins. The adjustment period is going to be difficult, but the sooner that he is gone, the easier it will ultimately be for everyone involved.
