What do you expect when someone asks you - ‘How are you”?

@dpk262006 (58673)
Delhi, India
August 3, 2010 2:19am CST
I think if someone ask me ‘How are you’, it means that s/he is asking about my well being or if everything is fine with me and hopefully s/he wants to listen to me or would listen to me. However, sometimes, I face peculiar persons/colleagues, who ask me the question ‘how are you’ and within next few minutes, I find that instead of listening to my story, am listening to their stories and I have become the listener, instead of the speaker. I do not mind it but it makes me wonder, whether in fact they wanted to know about ‘me’ or just wanted to start the conversation so that they could turn ‘my attention’ to their ‘stories’. What are your take on this and your experiences on this issue?
5 people like this
32 responses
@paula27661 (15811)
• Australia
3 Aug 10
More often than not people will ask how you are with the hope that if you’re not well they don’t have to hear about it! I don’t ask anymore unless I am really interested in how the person is, being good or bad. “How are you” is said out of habit a lot of the time, just like saying hello. There are people who ask just so they can talk about themselves and they are annoying!
2 people like this
@kalav56 (11464)
• India
3 Aug 10
Paula! Welcome to the discussion.I had written something similar to yours without even looking at this.I am very happy about how we all tend to think in similar lines.
1 person likes this
@kalav56 (11464)
• India
3 Aug 10
oh I think it is the other way round.Mine is not here in this page.
@dpk262006 (58673)
• Delhi, India
3 Aug 10
Hi Paula! Yeah, you are right we come across some people who just want to start the conversation and want to tell their own stories, just by asking how are you. I agree with you that they ask this humble looking question to hear that you are alright, instead of you telling them a long winded story.
2 people like this
@saphrina (31552)
• South Africa
3 Aug 10
Hi Deepak. I always expected that they would listen to what i say when asked, 'how are you.' But, i have learned to rather so 'i'm fine thanx.' as they don't really care or listen. TATA.
1 person likes this
@vandana7 (98526)
• India
3 Aug 10
Yeah, it has become something like that Japanese bowing down to greet! Isn't it? But imagine somebody ignoring my blond! Freaking bad manners!
@vandana7 (98526)
• India
3 Aug 10
By any chance you were referring to Sunny? I call sunny that!!!
@saphrina (31552)
• South Africa
3 Aug 10
They can ignore me, Vannie. I don't owe them anything. I can be just as ignorant. Where's my donkey?
1 person likes this
@kalav56 (11464)
• India
3 Aug 10
Hi Deepak! 'How are you?' is used these days as "Hullo! ."Suppose you ask someone "how are you?'' and the person starts a longwinded story of how she had to wait for the bus in a long queue or bore you with other unnecessary intimate details how terrible would it be?[ This is simply a courteous question that is the opening gambit of a conversation. Now this can continue according to the individual's need of the minute to exchange his/her woes or victories. So, here it is 'first come first served' This is just in lighter vein because some person has bored you stiff with unnecessary stories that you were not particularly interested in. And to the question-- there is no need to wonder ; your guess is right. The 'how are you?' was a starter for a boring main course with insipid side dishes. My experience-- I use this 'hullo followed by a feeble 'how are you? to some third party with whom I am not too familiar with or with whom I am distinctly uncomfortable ;if it is in person it is also accompanied by a weak smile. On the other hand the same 'hullo' is followed by a full-throated enthusiastic 'how are you?' for a friend or a close person.
1 person likes this
@kalav56 (11464)
• India
3 Aug 10
Deepak! I wrote that answer in a totally lighthearted vein but anyway in answer to your question-"Now this can continue according to the individual's need of the minute to exchange his/her woes or victories."-I had written this in the previous sentence of 'first come first served'. Sometimes, some people want to talk and so they approach us and talk ,talk and continue talking irrespective and insensitive of whether we want to hear this or not, whether it would be of interest or not.That is why I joked like that saying ' first come'--whoever is first in getting hold of the unsuspecting listener is the first person here . for your 3rd-- you may not mind and would like the other person to be upfront but that person is embarrassed to do that because the motive is to talk. She/he obviously does not feel like coming upfront and saying 'Hi there I want to talk to you about this; I know it is of no interest to you" because she knows in her heart that it is a boring story with no charm for you whatsoever.
@dpk262006 (58673)
• Delhi, India
4 Aug 10
Thanks Kala for explaining about first come first serve and for the additional inputs. You are right, if two persons are talking and the one who takes charge (by any means) and put the other one on defensive and make him/her listener, s/he would lead the show. I won't mind if she comes and says upfront that I want to share something with you or discuss with you but in a way you are right, she might not be sure whether I would be really interested in 'hearing' her, therefore, she starts the conversation by asking How are you.
@dpk262006 (58673)
• Delhi, India
3 Aug 10
Hi Kala! I would comment point by point: (i) You see, if I ask someone - "How are you?" and if she starts telling me a long winded story, I won't mind, because it was I, who asked her or initiated the proceedings. However, the problem arises, when she is asking me - "How are you" and the next moment, she is telling her own story.........lol! (ii) Shall I take it as - 'First come first' means the person who is asking me 'How are you' is free to tell her own story? or rather allow me to tell mine? (iii) I would like the other person to be upfront and frank and s/he wants to tell me his/her own story, s/he can straight away tell me, I would be happy to listen to her/him, without even s/he asking me - "How are you" Many thanks for clearing my doubts.
@calai618 (1773)
• Philippines
3 Aug 10
"How are you?" for me has someone become a neutral statement. WHenever you see someone you know, it's like a required thing to say. Likewise, the reply "Im okay" has also become a neutral reply. we really dont tell that person whatever we exactly feel at that very moment, right? it's weird that no matter how gloomy or stressful that day has become for you, you are still gonna answer "im okay"..
1 person likes this
@dpk262006 (58673)
• Delhi, India
3 Aug 10
You are right upto an extent that it has become a neutral statement and a kind of boring statement, when someone asks how are you. We should understand that either he wants to hear that we are OK, or he has a hidden agenda to tell us. Thanks for dropping in.
1 person likes this
@calai618 (1773)
• Philippines
3 Aug 10
by "someone" i meant "somewhat"
@allknowing (130088)
• India
3 Aug 10
If it is just a 'how are you' I would only concentrate on that question and would say 'I am fine, thank you and you?' But this is not normally the situation as something more always follows which needs more attention than the mere 'how are you' I would therefore ignore the 'how are you' and go about dealing with something that follows.
1 person likes this
@dpk262006 (58673)
• Delhi, India
3 Aug 10
Hi allknowing! It means you mentally prepare yourself what is about to follow, if someone asks you 'How are you'? I think it is wiser on your part to quickly calculate and foresee what is in store for you. I should take a leaf from you. Many thanks for your practical suggestion. (+ rated)
1 person likes this
@dpk262006 (58673)
• Delhi, India
4 Aug 10
Yes, you are right, it appears a mere formality to ask - 'How are you.' I can understand that you foresee, what is in store, as you are more experienced than I.
@allknowing (130088)
• India
3 Aug 10
dpk - This 'how are you' is a mere formality which has no substance - a mere prelude to starting something else if at all, and as I said one needs to wait for that which will follow. I don't calculate but from experience I suppose we all know that it is a done thing.
1 person likes this
@tomitomi (5429)
• Singapore
3 Aug 10
Hi dpk! I would rather greet as much as I would like to be greeted, at least with a Hi! The first time you meet for the day would be one of the best times no matter how many mornings you have met at home or at your work. And it doesn't have to be just in the morning though. It's not just basic civility. It also acknowledges the wonder of life itself and that is to be alive.
@dpk262006 (58673)
• Delhi, India
4 Aug 10
To greet others is OK, however, if someone is asking you 'How are you', what do you expect, what is in store for you?
@tomitomi (5429)
• Singapore
4 Aug 10
"Good to be alive. God is good!"
• India
4 Aug 10
LOL Deepak, this really depends on the other person. My experience is somewhat mixed…by nature, I don’t like talking to everybody around, so its good when people start their own story instead of waiting to hear mine…I really feel its worthless to bother people about my daily personal grind. Everybody goes thru the same motions, so no point in further burdening others LOL…however, if somebody wants to feel better by sharing their woes with me, I’m always all ears. So when a person (who’s not too close) asks me how I am, I just reply the usual and then have nothing to say…so the other person gets a good opportunity to start his/her own story. However, with people I really bond with, we usually have good prolonged discussions about each others miseries LOL
1 person likes this
@dpk262006 (58673)
• Delhi, India
4 Aug 10
Hi sudipta! How are you? Congratulations on touching 8000 mark, I feel, for you 10000 mark is not far away! I was thinking in my mind, where are you and why have not you responded to my post so far because normally you do not miss my posts and here you are with your witty response. After reading your response, I wish - Alas! I could ask you in person - 'How are you', you would have said 'fine' and would have stopped there, thereafter, I would have started narrating my own problems/miseries to you with great details and would have felt very relieved to vent out. I think, to those to whom you listen and give your ear, are really lucky. Have a nice day! Deepak
• United States
3 Aug 10
I wouldn't ask How are you if I didn't want to hear the answer. Sometimes I know a friend is going through something stressful and I Really Want to know how everything is going. I think anyone who just asks about you Only to tell you about themselves is so selfish.
1 person likes this
@dpk262006 (58673)
• Delhi, India
4 Aug 10
Hi Sarah! You are wiser and practical that if you do not want to hear anybody's story, you won't ask her/him 'How are you'. I understand that if you are asking someone how is s/he, you really mean it and you want to 'hear' her/him patiently. Yeah, you are right those whose hidden agenda it to tell their own story are in fact selfish persons. Thanks for joining.
@Buchi_bulla (8298)
• India
3 Aug 10
This is the question which is asked to say hai in general. Very rarely it is meant what it is. If you really start telling your problems and sickness, they will not show any interest in what you say. Now-a-days people have enough of their own problems and many are not interested in other's problems or sickness.
@dpk262006 (58673)
• Delhi, India
4 Aug 10
Hi Buchi! I think, I should understand that when someone is asking this question, s/he does not mean it really or s/he does not want to know about me in details, it may be other way round. Many thanks for sharing your views.
1 person likes this
@attente (986)
• Philippines
3 Aug 10
well if I ask someone how are you, I am expecting to hear stories from her/him.. and I would wait for him to finish his story before sharing my own stories. but same with you, I noticed some people are good at telling stories yet not a good listener. :)
1 person likes this
@dpk262006 (58673)
• Delhi, India
3 Aug 10
Hi attente! You appear very wiser to me as you would first listen to his/her stories, if s/he replies to your question i.e. - 'How are you' and once s/he is done with, you may tell yours. Thanks for sharing your views.
1 person likes this
@krnavtr (285)
• India
3 Aug 10
It can be understood in 2 ways,one is that asking me how are you in a good sense and another is he or she might be having problem so they wants some help.Sometimes we gets misunderstand with this word.
1 person likes this
• India
3 Aug 10
heheh yes its funny sometimes. But for if somebody ask me how i am then i would answer and ask the same to her/him. Honestly i rather then saying my stories i prefer to be listener. Because i don't much about myself to all the people. I keep my stories bit privacy.
1 person likes this
@dpk262006 (58673)
• Delhi, India
3 Aug 10
Hi west! You appear to be very practical and a patient listener and your friends would be happy to see you amongst them. You are right, you can not share your stories with everyone. Keep it up.
1 person likes this
@06MLam (620)
3 Aug 10
I have not had the situation you had before. Everytime they asked me that question, I just simply reply " I'm fine, thank you!" and do not expect them to tell me their stories. However, if they do so, I will be willing to listen to them as I think that they need somebody to talk to. I think they start with such a question is because they want to find somebody to talk to but they got to start a topic themselves. Otherwise, they cannot start the conversation, right? So, I will ty to listen to them if this happens on me and to help them to find some solutions for their problems!
1 person likes this
• United States
4 Aug 10
I think its so generic i wish they would use "hows it is" or something else new and fresh.
1 person likes this
@SViswan (12051)
• India
15 Aug 10
For me 'How are you' means exactly that...and I don't ask people when I don't mean it. But I've realized not everyone is really asking about you...and now I'm often stuck because I don't know how the other person intended it. I usually answer with a 'Good...how are you' and then wait for the other person to respond and react accordingly.
@SViswan (12051)
• India
12 Sep 10
lol..Deepak..thanks for asking...as you can see...busy as ever! How have you been?
@dpk262006 (58673)
• Delhi, India
18 Aug 10
I can understand that when you ask someone 'How are you', you mean it. However, when others ask, you are not sure, what is coming up. Thanks for dropping in. How are you SV? Deepak
@Opal26 (17679)
• United States
4 Aug 10
Hi dpk! How are you and I really mean it! That is a question that people ask most of the time as part of the natural greeting when meeting up with someone and most of the time I do believe that it is just that! I don't think that when most people ask the question that they really want to hear the real answer, meaning a whole long story of exactly how you really are! I know that when I run into someone who I haven't seen in awhile the natural thing to ask is "how've you been", but do I really want to actually know? If it isn't a close friend and just an acquaintance then "not really". I don't mean that in an unkind way either. It is the same thing when someone asks me the same question. If it is someone who I am not close to and wouldn't tell my personal business to I would probably just respond politely an say fine, even if it wasn't the case, as most people would! So, be careful what you ask because you just might get more than you really want to hear!
@dpk262006 (58673)
• Delhi, India
5 Aug 10
Hi Opal! It is nice to see you in my discussion. You are very right that it is a way of greeting and we should understand that if the person is not very close to us, s/he may be asking it for the sake of formality or may be for narrating her/his own miseries. Many thanks for sharing your views. Deepak PS - I am still waiting (now for many months) for your PM/Email ID.
@dpk262006 (58673)
• Delhi, India
6 Aug 10
OK! I will, please check your PM.
@Opal26 (17679)
• United States
5 Aug 10
I know, I think you better send me your addy again.
@ckyera (17332)
• Philippines
5 Aug 10
hello deepak! how are you? lol! well, with me, whenever someone ask me how am i, i also think that they want to hear something from me, that they are asking how i have been in the last days that we are not together or haven't seen each other. but i also think that its one good way of starting a conversation. Just like with me, when someone ask how i will answer them then i will also ask them how they are. i don't mind listening to them instead them listening to me, what's more important is the talk that we have, i just hope that the talk will be like a healthy conversation of exchanging and sharing news and ideas and not just a one way talk... miss you friend!
@dpk262006 (58673)
• Delhi, India
6 Aug 10
Hello Ck! I am doing fine. It is always good to see your response on my discussion. You appear so kind and soft that you would give the other fellow an opportunity to talk, instead of you telling your stories to her.. I can understand your point that conversation is healthy practice and it is important but with those, whom we life or gel with in a nice manner. Deepak
1 person likes this
@ckyera (17332)
• Philippines
8 Aug 10
hello my friend! its nice to hear that you are fine. hehe, maybe this is just me, for i feel happy hearing good things and the what abouts and whereabouts of my family and friends. and on the other hand, i am someone who don't really talk much about myself when not being asked. hehe it gives me good feeling whenever my friend is sharing me things about them, coz i feel like they are trusting me.
@dpk262006 (58673)
• Delhi, India
18 Aug 10
It is true that when our friends are sharing something with us, it means that they trust us. Everyone needs a listener, after all.
@vandana7 (98526)
• India
3 Aug 10
Hi babyface! Here I come to trouble you - so how are you? Dont feel bad if your reply doesnt register. It is becuase my ears have got trained over the years to take a break when somebody is foolish enough to respond to the question. :)
@dpk262006 (58673)
• Delhi, India
3 Aug 10
Hi Vandana! I won't mind if you are going to ask me 'how are you' and then putting cotton buds in your ears.. It means you want to advice me that whenever someone asks me this question - 'How are you', I should get alert.
2 people like this
@saphrina (31552)
• South Africa
3 Aug 10
Vannie, mind your freaking manners.
1 person likes this
@much2say (53699)
• Los Angeles, California
3 Aug 10
Ahhh, dpk . . . excellent topic. I am faced with this often . . . it really annoys me! "How are you" can sometimes be a trick question . . . it's as if the other person expects you to ask the same AND THEN when you do, that's when the earful of "their side" comes rushing in. Then it seems the initial "how are you" is insincere. Now, there are some that will at least have some courtesy and realize they've been doing all the talking - and will ask about me afterwards. But it really irks me when the one sided conversation keeps going on and on and on!
@dpk262006 (58673)
• Delhi, India
4 Aug 10
Much2say! Many thanks for appreciating the topic. Yeah, after going through responses here and on the basis of my own personal experience, I agree with you that when someone is asking us - How are you, we should become cautious and should prepare ourselves what is in store for us.. Yeah, problem arises only when the conversation tends to be one sided.
@much2say (53699)
• Los Angeles, California
8 Aug 10
I realized this AGAIN when a certain friend was in town for business just this last week. He is friend, but a friend that annoys many of us. One reason is all he does is talk about himself - about work, or his travels, or master plan in life. We all know that if we go out together, he will be the one doing all of the talking. He already left - and thinking back, I see that he has not gotten any "new" information from me - simply because he was too busy yapping on about himself. Sometimes you just know "How are you" is a lead to "let me tell you how I am". It's because of people like this, I am more aware of how I talk!!
@annavi23 (6522)
• Philippines
6 Aug 10
"how are you" simple words which sometimes i long to hear from my loved ones,or people close to my heart.words that are seldom uttered by them,specially when they are too busy with their own lives. sometimes,i find it sweet when i hear those words from them.it means so much to me,i guess.lol! if i am asked,i surely want to tell them what's with me.what am i doing for the past few days or months since we have lost contacts with. these includes,what have i experienced in my everyday life.who i meet and what plans do i have in mind.or is there someone i had fight with.
@dpk262006 (58673)
• Delhi, India
6 Aug 10
Hi ann! I understand that you have some wonderful friends and they ask you very politely and nicely How are you and you love to tell them about your life. I also feel that it depends, who is asking you the question. Thanks for joining us.
@dpk262006 (58673)
• Delhi, India
18 Aug 10
It means you are comfortable with known to people/close friends.
@annavi23 (6522)
• Philippines
6 Aug 10
of course,it depends on who are the people asking you,if it's a friendly stranger i think i wouldn't tell all about me,right?i'm not that type.