As a single parent how would you expain to 21 year old I have only so much money
By unique16
@unique16 (1531)
United States
August 24, 2010 1:50pm CST
Hello,
Here is my delima. I have two daughters ages 21 and 18. Both will be college this fall. The oldest R seems to feel I do not do enough for her in finaincial area comapred to my younger daughter S. First all for "R" I have been paying her car insurance and she is under my policy to get a cheaper rate. I been paying her tuition for her since in my name the A Plus Loan to get her into college which came due this past January which $130.00 and her renters insurance which is $25.00, the extra to have her on my car policy is like $130.00 per month which like like $265.00 per month plus for her apartment which she need because the college she goes too does not gauranattee a room after sophomore year which I shell out $410.00 for months last year and I got her brand new bed for her apartment Queen side frame and mattress which like $800.00 plus I help pay her car loan last year like $50.00 per month and now that her car needs major repairs and it cost $500.00 or more she expecting me to pay for it. Remember I have another daughter here "S". I told "R" I could put $200.00 towards that is the max I have and and Nanna is helping put $200.00 into it. My ex-husband is on welfare and does not have a job yet. "R" thinks I favor "S" who does not have a car and I am paying out my 401K Loan to get her into college and her books that I treat "R" like crap and "S" like aprincess.
"R" works two part time jobs. Does pay me her car loan when she can. "S" worked part time too and went to be cousnolr at summer camp for handicap adults and got paid every two weeeks. "S" bought her own clothes this year and pay to eat my dinner as well as her at times. I work two jobs one full and one partime. I on days I work both jobs I do not get till 1:00am in the morning on Tuesday and Wednesday and Friday night I do get home until 3:00am or 4:00am in the morning.
I broke down and wrote out all the money comeing and my bills going out to show "R" i do not have this kind of money. I also sent Nanna a copy because she also thinks I make alot. I have no credit payments right now but I do pay mortgage and car payment and heat and Phone.Internet service and DirectV etc...
I am not sure why she so angry at me "R" she does this too all the time. Over the summer I spent a lot time with my boyfriend think she would like the house to herself. I took her out to dinner once and tried to talk to like 2 times to see how she is doing. I e-mailed and facebooked her too over these months and now she took me off facebook. I never wrote or comments on anything her friends says.
I need to know how to handle her and why she is soselfish. "S" never got a new bed and buys her clothes at Good will or walmart ot K-Mart. "R" stores are Eagle Outfiters and Gap and store like these. I am not sure what she is doing with her moeny. I have her food money $80.00 each twice this summer and I gave $60.00 for her parking permit at school because she did not have the money?
Where did I go wrong? I know I am not perfect but I am doing my mothering duties even she thinks I am not!
Any suggestions?
Thanks Unique16
2 people like this
12 responses
@JessicaVaq (9)
• United States
25 Aug 10
The problem is, is that now a days, quite a few young people expect to get everything they want or need without trying very much at all to obtain it. Here's a prime example. My friend who is 24 got laid off of his job and collected all his unemployment, lost his apartment, moved back to his mom's house and finally called up his ex-girlfriend to be with him again, of course because she made life easier financially for him. He currently doesn't have a job or had tried to get one and buys video games with his unemployment check. My mother's friend who is 47 was laid off her job, she had to fight for her compensation which was rightfully hers, and has been hustling her butt off. She has been babysitting kids multiple times a week, she's had garage sells,to selling plasma and she will be getting her back unemployment check this week. OH and to top it off has also managed to find employment temporarily at least. So you see the good age gap their? Yeah it's called maturity, responsibility and discipline. The younger one will eventually drain all resources of current income. The elder has made it and is being rewarded with not only back compensation but also has a job for now.
"S" sounds like she has nothing but good things to look forward to in life. No stressing over unpaid bills, no debt, no shame in calling mother to ask for money. Oh what's that? It's pride. :P Be proud of her. A parent can only do so much teaching until you have to realize the child just thinks that way. She will never learn until she hits rock bottom. And as hard as it may be to watch a child fall physically or metaphorically sometimes they just have to learn on their own. Hope you don't feel too bad about "R". But you'll manage somehow. Peace and good luck.
@unique16 (1531)
• United States
25 Aug 10
Hello jessicaVaq,
I understand where you are coming from you sound just like my "S" daughter. Always working and trying to do the right thing and not ask for much or what she her parenet can handle etc... My "S" does try to pay me back where "R" does not even say a Thank you or give any portion of the money back... sometimes I wish she did but I have given up on that.
You should be proud of what you accomplished and I know it not easy in your circumstance but you are getting there.
Yes, I sometimes feel "R" should hit rock bottom in order to realise or feel what it is really like not having a job etc... but then I give myself the guilt trip that majority parents do etc...
Thanks for your reply and have a wonderful and Good Luck on your situation.
I hope it gets easier for you.
Sincerley Unique16
@pastigger (612)
• United States
24 Aug 10
Don't feel bad you have done nothing wrong. All kids are different. This kind of sounds like me and my sister. I was the worker she was the one who wanted everything handed to her. Your daughter is 21 years old now and an adult. You are doing the best that you can and that should be enough. If it is not stop helping for a while and see how she feels about it. I know that it is hard as she is your daughter. But you are working two jobs to pay your bills, you should not have to prove to her that you don't have the extra money your work should be enough. Her telling you that you treat your other daughter differently is just a guilt trip. Maybe you should point out to her that her sister treats you differently then she does. My sister when she wanted something would whine to my dad and he would help, I could of done the same thing but I chose to work for what I wanted. So you are not to blame this can happen to anyone some people are worker and some are not. If this is the ways she is going to act I would cut her off and explain to her that you can no longer help her and you have been helping her with these things for a few years now and it is time that you help her sister. You have been doing plently for her and maybe if you stop she can start to appriacate what you do do for her. Good luck with this and do not feel bad.
@unique16 (1531)
• United States
25 Aug 10
Hello Pastigger,
Yes, I agree I need to do less with "R" and more with "S" who beeb patiently waiting in the background get her turn with me etc... I have thought about not sending her the check because she said in the e-mail the other day I do not need your money...but I her breaks done in highway and she gets killed or maime someone else I could not live with myself knowing I should of sent the check. I did asked after the work is done to show me a receipt proof that this was taken care of. If she cannot then i will think twice on giving that much money anymore and let her sweat and realise how good she does have it.
Thank you for the compliment and good thoughts here. It is neat to that you went through with your sister so i am feeling a little better that other single or who have both parents have gone through this.
Thanks and have a great day!
Sincerely unique16
@DeenaD (2684)
• United States
25 Aug 10
It sounds like you are doing more than your fair share for your 21-year-old, who is after all an adult. I have three daughters, ages 24, 20 and 17. The oldest is already on her own, the second is in college and the third still in high school. The two oldest had jobs since age 16 and both saved to buy their own used car. They have always had to pay their own car insurance on their own policy. As for school, they've paid so far with a combination of grants, scholarships, loans and their own money. It will be the same with the youngest, who as of now still does not have her license. I only buy clothes for the youngest, and I told her this is the last year for that. I feel this is the road to independence.
@unique16 (1531)
• United States
26 Aug 10
Hello DeenaD,
Yes, after reading all the comments I do not feel alone in this and that I am seeing other parents be just as strict if not more than what I have been doing.
I am so glad your children understand this from you. I am glad they are independent. It is funny because that is all "R" said through High school and now that she is it like she wants to beabied again and I do want too to that. She is smart, bright, likes to compete etc...
Yes, this is the road for independence and it is hard I do relaise that for college students and there loans etc... looking for a good job to pay them off.
Maybe she is afraid of life in general and relaise it not as easy as it looks on TV etc...
Thanks for the reply!
Have a great day!
Sincerley unqiue16
@lovinangelsinstead21 (36850)
• Pamplona, Spain
25 Aug 10
Hiya unique16,
How many of us would have wanted our Moms to be like that? Like you are I mean. We just did not have anything like that it cannot compare at all.
We had second hand clothes and second hand everything else a lot of the times. Or things bought out of Sales.
However my Mom worked really long hours for a pittance and now that I understand it all I realize she could not have given us any more than that what she gave us already.
My ex two Brothers will not agree with that but I know different I know how many hours she worked just to be able to put food on the Table.
How would you handle it I have had a bit of that situation too well many times to be exact and I never did spoil them either.
If she has´nt reacted and realized how your money situation is when you told her. I think in the end it will be up to her to realize what the whole situation is. I would give it a bit more time and see if she comes to her senses. A Girl of that age should be old enough to understand what you are going through too.
Sorry I can´t be of much use because although my situations were similar I dealt with them on the spot and I let them pass by.
They did come to terms with me but to this Day they still have it in their thoughts about what I had to do to make ends meet.
I don´t think you can make them change their minds altogether. I tried to talk to mine like two Grown Ups but they were not having it.
Hope things work out for you anyway.
@lovinangelsinstead21 (36850)
• Pamplona, Spain
26 Aug 10
Hiya unique,
Like ocean says below you are a wonderful Mom. I could not have given my Kids any more than what they have had either.
They will have to realize as things are getting tougher and sure mine moan about what they did not have but I say to them "wait till you have your own" and then you will know what it´s like (grin).
Don´t worry I have heard that story so many times I could cringe "In my Friends House they have this and that and the other" yaagh I have become immune to all of that.
You have a great weekend too and you also ocean.
@ladybugr2d2 (575)
• United States
24 Aug 10
I call it first born syndrome my oldest is only 5 at the moment but she is what they call "high maintenance" she has this i wan atatoode i think it is normal. I can totale wait on the teenage years. but i think your oldest "R" thinks the world owes her. I don't think you did any thing wrong. dang i wish i had financial help like you give her. don't get me wrong my mom is always there but we never had much money for any thing i earn d what i got by baby seating or working. She may just need a realty check we all do at some point i know i did. and i got it hard at 19 with an infant in my arms that i love more then life but i grew up.
@unique16 (1531)
• United States
25 Aug 10
Hello Ladyburg2d2,
Thank you for the reply. Yes, i agree I think "R" thinks the world owes her.
I never got this much from my mother or father and we had Nine children in the family and 6 of us were able to go to college. The three decided on other paths.
My parents did not have a lot money and we had were handyme downs from my sisters
and colleen who was older then me but about the same height and shape I got her clothes and I hardly got new except for shoes. Funny how we wear our shoes quicker than clothes (lol). I hope you have it better with your daughter when she hits the teenage years and that she listens to your wisdom and not always her friends etc...
Thanks and have a wonderful day!
Sincerely Unique16
@ladybugr2d2 (575)
• United States
26 Aug 10
I hope so to. but i doubt it. She is a good girl. but she already expects the world. as a mom i know we all wish we could give are kids the world but this is not possible. The funny thing is my "r" (her name starts with r lol) is complaining wile i wright this and work. My "A" is satisfied with the pop-tarts and milk i gave them and watching a movie. I guess i just expect her to be the way she is. I believe she well be a kind and caring person i just also expect her to be a bit more high maintenance then most. I don't think that it is any one person's fault. I think it has a lot to do with every thing that has happened in her lifer and heaving a big family who likes to spoil her. She is very lucky to have what she has and dose not understand that. As hard as i try to teach her it dose not seem to matter. but i love her no matter what.
@unique16 (1531)
• United States
26 Aug 10
Hello dccell,
I hope she will understand soon or if she has children she will relaise what I did for her. Thank you for the prayers. I hope you have a wonderful weekend
I hope when you children they treat well and respect you.
Good Luck!
Sincerely Unique16
@GardenGerty (157555)
• United States
24 Aug 10
Often the second child works harder and is more thrifty than the first. They have learned by seeing what the older child does. I do not know what else you can do for that older child other than put her on a budget. You have done far more for her than I did for both of my kids combined. I do not know if she feels like she is missing out because you and her dad are divorced? You are doing a good job, and I think you need someone to tell you so.
@unique16 (1531)
• United States
25 Aug 10
Hello GardenGerty,
Yes, My co-worker friend she told me the same thing. Yes, I will seriously think about a budget for but I want to know is with "R" working two jobs is how many hours is putting in and what is she doing with rest of her money. I am not allowed to look at bank statement. i do get the Credit Union statement from the Millersville University and maybe get idea what she spending the extra money on. She blow her stack because I am invading on her privacy etc... Where "S" she does not mind me opening her bank statement to make sure she is saving etc... I know she like clothes but she only buys so much at at like I saw Liberty Store which is another Good will Store, Good will and Wal-Mart etc..
Thank you for the compliments GardenGerty. I also sent Nanna my ex-husband mother the same letter and said THank you for all that she has done for these two children and see if she can talk "R" because even she gave her money for her car.
I wanted Nanna to know I do not have anything at the end of month inspite of what "R" maybe telling her etc...
Have a wonderful day!
Thanks for the reply!
Sincerely Unique16
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
6 Sep 10
Jealousy is something that is natural for children, but I do think that your daughter is asking too much of you. When I look back on things, I can see that there are certain things that my mother does for my younger siblings that she didn't and doesn't do for my family. However, I really don't let that bother me. The biggest example that I can think of is that my husband and children and myself lived with my mother for several years, but during the entire time that we lived with her we paid her rent. My little brother, his wife and their two daughters live with her now and they don't pay her rent. It makes me mad at times, but I also realize that in paying her rent when we lived with her made us more financially secure when we did buy a house of our own two and a half years ago. There will come a time that your daughter will appreciate everything that you'e done for her, but she isn't mature enough to realize it yet.
@mauie0918 (337)
• Philippines
30 Aug 10
I know how you feel. Don't blame yourself! Financial problems are always knocking at our door. Let your daughter understand your situation, let her feel that you're really doing your best for them. We all know that attitudes of children now a days are different and sometimes it's too hard to meet their needs. Talk to them. Just try to be a good mother to them and extend your patience with them.
@mai200725 (77)
• Philippines
24 Aug 10
Hello unique16! Like you I'm also a mother, a single parent too(by choice) with only one daughter(4 years old). And I guess I'm just lucky that my kid is such an intelligent, sensible and a fine child at her young age(well, i just have to wait 'till she's grown up for some changes=). I know by experience that I'm too far from handling parenting than you as shown by having an eldest daughter of 21 years old.But I just want to give you an advice as a mother and in the best way that I can.
As a mother, you did not do wrong.In fact, at her age you're still there for her giving finances. Sometimes, no matter what we have done and no matter how we instill good things to kids, they have their own way of thinking and own interpretation to things that surrounds them. And to think that your daughter is 21, I believe more than anything that she will understand if you give the two of you a quite time to sit and talk out things. Good communication can solve problems, i believe in that.You have to communicate to her clearly, that in as much as you would want and you would love to give her everything she needs, but your finances do not permit it. It is because we cannot give what we don't have and we cannot give things that are beyond our capacity. Give her constructive advice as well, that she's not getting any younger and you're not too, and so she must learn how to be independent and also sacrifice a little too if she wants to get some extras in life(extra comfort,extra luxurious things and so on.). Also, assure her of your undying love and support towards her. Our child/children will always be our child/children and we'll always be their mother. We could critized, be violent at times when push to limit but we know this not the most effective way to handle problems. We don't want them to fear us because they knew that punishment will come their way(to others it could be physical or cursing their child/children), but we want them to fear us because they respect us..because they are afraid to hurt us. I believe your daughter will get the overview of what you want to convey given the proper communication. Always pray and keep the faith!
More power and Gudluck! =)
@unique16 (1531)
• United States
25 Aug 10
Hello mai200725,
I did try twice over the summer and she would shut down or say I got only like 10 minutes half way through the conversation instead of telling me upfront so I can pick another time. It like she seeing or hearing what she wants to hear and if does not sound good she out of the house or needs to do something else. When she in high school I did use the phone and she did not like that because felt I was keeping tabs. It like when it covient for her then she talk to me but if it something she does not like she will not listen. I thought with being in college she want her freedom and less of me around her. She has to make up her mind whether she wants me in her life or not. I offered to talk to her but it nevers seems to right the time or right topic... I do not know where she is emotionally.
Thanks for the reply and suggestions and I will think about them and see how she responds at later date. I want things to cool down for awhile before I approach her again.
Thanks and have a wonderful day!
Sincerely unique16
@babyimp (151)
• Estonia
24 Aug 10
I think if she's 21 and sulking because she thinks you haven't done enough for her, it's her fault, not yours. I won't go into that 'You're her mother, you made her grew up to be that woman she is now stuff'. If you have done everything you can and she won't listen to you no matter what you say, let her be. Maybe it's time she came to terms thats she's adult and she has responsibilities to you as her mother. Show her the truth and if she can't accept it, you have done everything you can. See if your daughter 'S' can do anything, or other relatives. You are not alone in this.
@unique16 (1531)
• United States
25 Aug 10
Hello Babyimp,
Thank you for the reply. I agree with here. I have sent her in letter in the mail the break down of my bills and what I bring in as take home pay every month etc.. and what is left over if I am lucky is like $174.00 for food money. Does leave room for break down of cars and what would happen if my car broke down too. I need to save for that and if one of them get sick doctor payment and pharmacy payment etc... I just wish I knew what she spends her money on! I mean last year in both her jobs she $8,000 because I do her taxes for her and one of the jobs forgot take out federal and who had pay that one? Your guess it me. On the other job they forgot take out local. So I had show her and tell her that these companies messed up and how to get it fixed etc...
yes, i did send the same letter to Nanna my ex-husband mother who done a lot for these two girls and I thank her and hopefully she can talk to her we will see.
Thanks and have a wonderful day!
Sincerely unique16
@unique16 (1531)
• United States
25 Aug 10
Hello jailo12,
Thank you for your reply. Yes, i think she has a differnt perspectiv on life and what her friends are getting from there single parents and I will not compete with that. She also has tendcy to hang out with richer friends and that get into her because I am not like them. She wants to be just like them with money!
Thanks and have a great day!
Sincerley eileen
