Apology
By SViswan
@SViswan (12051)
India
January 20, 2011 11:26pm CST
There are 3 ladies in the apartment comples...who are friends. They think they own the place and can boss over anyone and can get away with it.
A couple of months back when my parents were visiting,the kids of these women (strapping young boys) were playing football within the complex. As per the rules, they need to stop and let a vehicle pass. We were returning from some place, my husband stopped the vehicle and waitied for them to stop playing and make way for us...which the kids did after making a face.
Just as we reached the end of the stretch where the boys were playing and we had to make a turn to get into our slot, my husband noticed that the boys were using our apartment benches as goal posts. He found it difficult but managed to go to our slot. He walked to the boys and my father followed my husband. KNowing that my husband gets very angry, my father went along with him to calm him in case he shouted.
But nothing of the sort happened. My husband asked the boys why they had kept the bench in the middle of the path. The boys said it was their goal post. My husband didn't say a word and both the men returned. In the meantime, I saw one of the mothers gesturing to the security guards and shouting (yes shouting at them from where she was standing and not asking) to re-route the cars another way so that the boys may play. Now this lady is a tenant (as opposed to an owner) and I happened to be an association member at the point of time.
Just as we were walking away, I heard her say something derogatory about my father. Though I didn't like the fact that she was ordering the security about, I thought I would bring it to the notice of the association members and take a decision without having a screaming fit right there. But I couldn't stand there listening to her talk about my dad that way.She didn't know who he was but my point is she cannot talk to ANYONE that way. I went straight back to her then and said 'the %&@#*&' man you just referred to happens to be an
owner of an apartment here'...she screamed back at me 'thanks for clarifying' and turns away.In the meantime, her friends starts yelling at me about talking to the boys the way I did (who did????) where the first lady also joined in the argument. All through this argument, I was keeping calm and telling the ladies that if they had a problem, they need to bring it to the notice of the association and we will come to a decision. But the ladies were yelling and gesturing like crazy. The President of the association(who was the root cause of the problems anyway) who was taking a walk then saw the commotion and without clarifying or even asking me what the problem was...asked my husband to calm me and take me home.
I returned home fuming and it was only then that everyone at home got to know what happened.My husband was furious.The rest of the story is a topic for another discussion.
But a day later, I got a half-hearted apology from the second lady (who had said nothing about my father)...this is how it goes. 'I'm sorry.We didn't know he was your father and he doesn't look like a senior citizen!' implying that it was okay to tlk about another person's father that way if he looked older??? I just stared at her and didn't say a word!!
What's your take on this apology????And how would you have gone about with your apology if you were in the lady's position? I don't like the lady but I think a proper apology would have calmed me down atleast.
1 person likes this
9 responses
@ElicBxn (64169)
• United States
24 Jan 11
well, I think she was feeling bad about how the other woman acted, felt the need to say something and just doesn't know how to go about doing it...
maybe implying rather than its okay to talk bad about an older person, but rather that he didn't look old, but that kind of means that you do...
lame, but at least she's trying to make amends - maybe she'll disassociate herself from those other women, doubt there's much to be done about the kids, they will hang out with who they hang out with...
1 person likes this
@SViswan (12051)
• India
24 Jan 11
She hasn't disassociated herself from the woman. But yes, like you said..the second lady was trying to make amends. But my point is that it's rude to speak about anyone that way. It doesn't have to be my father. And being a board member (at the time), I will have to uphold that myself first. I would have re-acted the same way if I saw the lady speaking that way about any resident or guest i the building. I probably wouldn't have confronted her directly in that case...but bought it to the notice of the other board members and figured out a way for it not to happen again.
1 person likes this
@SViswan (12051)
• India
25 Jan 11
I know what you mean. I have another friend in the building who has constant altercations with these women. But there are times when I feel my friend has been wrong and I tell her so. I don't disassociate from her....but I am clear and I don't apologize for her. She does the apologizing or making amends...whatever. As a friend I give another viewpoint and how she could have refrained from making the situation worse.
2 people like this
@ElicBxn (64169)
• United States
24 Jan 11
Oh, I'm not saying that she did it right, but some people just don't know how to do things the right way, don't know how to try to explain without making it into an insult - more of a social dysfunction than a mental one, but often goes hand in hand with mental limitations.
@drannhh (15219)
• United States
21 Jan 11
Personally, I consider apologies rather useless. If someone is a big enough idiot to be rude to strangers who are doing nothing wrong and to allow their children to obstruct common property, call me jaded, but I essentially feel there is little hope for them. The problem with this sort of association is people like you and me do not have time to be president of the association because we are useful citizens and have other things to do. So people who are rather useless often get those positions and abuse their authority. Where I live now there is no association and that works a whole lot better. We own our homes, but rent the commons from the person who owns the commons and she makes the rules and EVERYBODY follows them or they are kicked out. So we all know the rules and a paid manager enforces them fairly. No politics, no whining, and best of all, since I am a "senior citizen" NO KIDS! Naturally we do have some residents who think they are better than others, but they have nobody to hide behind, so I just tell them to stop acting like they own the place because they DON'T and that I don't care whether they like me or not, they will follow the rules like everybody else. I don't waste time being nice to thugs.
1 person likes this
@drannhh (15219)
• United States
21 Jan 11
PS: Of course, if you can get someone really effective (like your husband!) to get elected to a position of authority, that is a different matter. That would work well. But then you have to be nice to everyone. UGH. With power comes added responsibility, lol.
@SViswan (12051)
• India
21 Jan 11
Oh, the reason for the boys being allowed to play in a common area (which isn't big enough for them to play a game of football or cricket) is a whole other discussion! At the time of this issue, I was a member of the association and it made me more angry that the President didn't even want to listen to what I had to say. New members were elected recently (I stepped down and my husband is in).For a while, there was no President, Secretary,etc...and most of the members took joint decisions and are getting things done here...which was working out well..and things were going smoothly. The ex-President (who happens to be in the committee but not President) threw a fit about having no President and someone needs to approve things and a democratic majority doesn't work (*confused*). My husband made sure that one of the members who gets things done was elected....last year, the President took arbitary decisions even when all the other committee members were against it. As my husband said, he should be out of the committee...but most of the other members are just too nice....and didn't want to argue with him.
1 person likes this
@drannhh (15219)
• United States
22 Jan 11
Here the management is left up to the owner's paid employees, but there is a social club made up of members, and in that group they are having the same kinds of problems you mention, and if they were running the whole community instead of just throwing parties, it would be a mess. In fact the parties are a mess, because last years elected leaders of the social club do not like this years leaders, so they refused to transfer the money from the groups checking account to the new leaders, so the new president had to buy $400 of food with her own money to pay for the first dinner she hosted. That is ridiculous. Probably she will eventually be repaid, but it has been almost a year now!
@SHAMRACK (8576)
• India
21 Jan 11
Dear friend,
That is really disgusting, something irritating, tempting and may be even provoking beyond the limit. I feel if we keep silence and wanted the matter to solve amicably and peaceful, it seems there are people, they wanted to get into our head dance on it. We all are humans with dignity and feelings. Insulting our parents is something beyond limit. If it was done to me I hope I would have blasted moreover given some everlasting painful present if myself that person was alone. But in public I hope we should be careful, as long as the public comes to know the entire matter.
May be finally giving an apology. It is like slapping on face and saying sorry. Anyhow, I hope next time they will not mess with you. Moreover, they are neighbors. They may wait for a chance. I feel it would be better solve the matter peacefully in association so that all there should know what actually happened rather listening to their cooked up stories. With all best wishes.........
@SViswan (12051)
• India
21 Jan 11
No one here likes the first lady. Insulting my father was the last straw. All along I had maintained a dignified silence to this lady's nonsense. Last year's President would always cater to the lady's whims and fancies. This year the members have changed and in my place, my husband has taken over. lol...and he has put her in her place. She yelled at the security guards over something and my husband sent out a rule saying that anyone who has a problem needs to address it to the association and not yell at the staff here.
@SViswan (12051)
• India
25 Jan 11
I don't think she's the kind who would ever give an apology not even a half-hearted one. If something comes up again, maybe the new association members might insist. She's been very rude to a friend of mine a couple of times before the incident with my father. And one of the kids even showed her the finger....and the youngest son jumped on her car....and nothing came out of this either...except mutual yelling at each other! The earlier President was an &%%@#$^!!
@CatsandDogs (13963)
• United States
25 Jan 11
What do these ignorant jackasses expect you or anybody else to do? Run the boys over? Or shouldn't the boys move out of the way so one can drive through? After all it is a driving area, not a football court or any other type of court. IDIOT'S!! And as for that stupid woman to call your father all sorts of names?! Who the hell does she think she is?? Elderly or not, that doesn't give anybody the right to call anybody names! But especially the elderly! These people need to be put in their places and I'd be more than happy to do it if I were you! How DARE they act like that!!
1 person likes this
@SViswan (12051)
• India
26 Jan 11
Exactly my point...they have no right to call ANYONE names...period!
And as for the driving area, the boys play on one side of the pool and there is a one-way rule enforced in our building. The other side of the pool is right in front of one of the buildings. The women expect us to take a detour through there. Now the problem is since the bigger boys play in this area (I don't want them playing football/cricket anywhere in the premises...there's not enough space for that), the really little ones play at the other side of the pool. If we took a detour, we wouldn't be able to see any little kids playing there until it was too late and the kids (who are very little) wouldn't be able to move away either (slow reflex compared to the older children). When we had an earlier meeting on this issue, I don't understand how the mothers went on about the security of the 15-16 year old boys (when someone suggested playing on the private road outside) and totally ignored the safety of toddlers!
Happily, my husband (who is now one of the board members) has started putting them in their place...the earlier President was a wimp and didn't allow us to do anything constructive either.
@p1kef1sh (45681)
•
21 Jan 11
How unpleasant and uneccesary. The boys should have been well mannered enough to have moved out of the way when you drove in. They should also have explained why they used the benches and asked if they could keep them until the end of the game. In fact I might have cheekily asked your husband and father if they fancied a kick around with them! The woman acted offensively and with bad grace. A half-hearted apology is no apology at all. I suspect that it us the best that you are going to get though. The President should be balanced and ought to have calmed everybody down before investigating the complaint. Which he needs to do now.
1 person likes this
@SViswan (12051)
• India
21 Jan 11
The apology was given by the second lady who wasn't the one who commented on my father. I haven't considered it an apology at all. Except for the sons of the second lady, the other boys are well-mannered. It isn't their fault that their parents (who volunteered to watch them playing) didn't think it was necessary to ask permission before using the building property for their games. It was also the parents who told the boys that they were allowed to play and we would take a detour (which is very difficult because the smaller kids play on the other side and one can't see a small child there while they take a turn and it would be too late to stop when they see a child....and the reflexes of children as young as 3 are too slow to move away as soon as they see a car).
The President has been removed and he is very upset about it. He never liked to put up notices on rules despite many reminders (from me especially since I knew things could be misunderstood or taken for granted). The present association members (including my husband) put up notices for everything and rules are clear. Anyone who has a problem can speak to the association and solve their problem. The ex-President and the ladies do not like it one bit..lol
@snbutterfly (259)
• United States
22 Jan 11
Well first, I wouldn't have been in that position to make an apology, but she should have apologized for being rude no matter who she was speaking to. She should also apologize to the neighbors for being a loud, cranky person. I mean, it's within her right to feel and scream as she wants but she has to realize that she has a responsibility to show her kids how they should act as well. She should be kicked out for causing a disturbance.
1 person likes this
@SViswan (12051)
• India
22 Jan 11
Exactly what my husband felt (about her being kicked out). Of course, that's not possible though she is only a tenent and renting the place. She has the right to be loud and cranky...but then she also needs to bear the consequences. She cannot order the staff of the apartment around...when even owners of the apartments are not allowed to do so, how can a person renting the place do it? We board members are very polite to the staff and try to solve problems in an amicable way. We work on motivating the staff to do their job keeping the security and comfort of the residents in mind. How dare she orders them about?
I don't expect any apology from her. If it wasn't forthcoming in a day or two, it doesn't matter anymore. But the incident really shook me up...I usually ignore but that day I couldn't control it when she spoke rudely about my father (it's not about my father...she shouldn't be speaking about anyone that way.....even a person who is a guest of another resident in the building)
@GardenGerty (169448)
• United States
21 Jan 11
I cannot even imagine because I cannot imagine talking rudely about someone who had done nothing to me, whom I did not even know. I suppose the way to apologize would have been to say simply, "I am sorry, we were rude the other day." This is really not a nice way to have to live.
1 person likes this
@SViswan (12051)
• India
21 Jan 11
That would be the normal thing to do, isn't it?
A few weeks later, I had an argument with the older boys bullying my son over no fault of his. The second lady's son was in the group and pretty rude to me. I had this incident in mind too. And for the first time, I raised my voice and was not even willing to listen to the explanation of the other boys. When I calmed down later, I apologized to the boys who were patiently trying to explain and also told their parents that they were more mature than I was at that point of time. But I told the second lady that I wouldn't apologize to her son because he was very rude and I don't think I need to apologize to her son. She agreed that he could be rude.
@Lakota12 (42600)
• United States
21 Jan 11
Well I hope this is all settled at your eetings.
but no that wasnt a good applogy at all so what if he didnt look like a senior?
He was there visiting you and they had no rights.
as your hubby didnt say anything to the boys should have been left alone in the first place.
And you parked in your slot not right to have to reroute cars to let them play seems like it was ok with the kids and your hubby
@SViswan (12051)
• India
21 Jan 11
For one, there's not enough place to play a game of football. There had been another meeting earlier to let them play. These parents had put forth a lot of suggestions and vetoed all our suggestions. But the association didn't put up the rules on the notice board. The ladies assumed that whatever they said was accepted...I believed it wasn't (here the President played a bit of politics). Another point against re-routing the vehicles is that..since the older boys play on one side of the swimming pool, the younger kids (4years and younger) play on the other side. If a car is re-routed, not only is it difficult to navigate a turn but neither the driver nor the child will be able to see each other before it is too late....and as you know, the reflexes of little kids are slower than older kids and they might not be able to move away in time.
Not only is my father visiting, he happens to be the actual owner of the apartment we stay in. It's not like everyone knows the actual owners of each and every apartment here. And there was no reason to pass that comment. If my father had uttered something, I would have understood...but he didn't.
@kalav56 (11464)
• India
21 Jan 11
What a story! And what are these women doing here with no civic sense whatsoever? It is just intolerable and I think you are absolutely justified in being furious. THIS apology is an apology for an apology. The offender pretends to be the offended here when the President says that you need to be calmed.
@SViswan (12051)
• India
21 Jan 11
Ahhh...these are the US returned cultured people!! I'm not generalizing here....but I suppose you know the category and I also know cultured people from the US.
The President (ex-President I have to say...with reason) is the first one to be kicked...he would cater to all their whims and fancies and trying to butter me up in the process. "When living in a community, we need to adjust' used to be his refrain to me!! And I would say 'Why do the owners need to adjust to people who are uncouth? We aren't the ones creating a problem for anyone...they are...aren't they the ones to be adjusting to the rules framed by the association for the welfare of the residents?'
I'm so glad that man isn't the President anymore (though he is a board member). Atleast the rules are put up loud and clear with no scope for misinterpretation (which was partly what happened in my case...though it's not an excuse for being rude to my father)
