Why is it that when people are desperate for someone...?

United States
March 23, 2011 2:58pm CST
Why is it that when people are desperate to be with someone because they feel lonely, they end up getting into the wrong kinds of relationships? I have seen this all too often now, and I think I know the answer to this, but I would like input from the people here on mylot. When we (human beings) are desperate for love or desperate for comfort, we find people who are not what's best for us. Lately, some of my friends have gotten into relationship with men who are no good for them, and my friends replied, "But I was desperate for someone to love me", and the person that they ended up with was the worst kind of person to be with. One of my friends got into a relationship with a man who cheated on her, she broke up with him, but was almost going to take him back, and then she is now seeing another guy who has a criminal record. Again, her excuse is, "I was desperate for someone to love me." Chime in if you or someone you know have been in situations like this one.
6 people like this
17 responses
@nikramos (698)
• Philippines
24 Mar 11
i once had a really wonderful boyfriend, everything that i could ever ask for. problem is, the relationship got too boring for me as he would just always say yes to whatever i want; he was too nice. i think the problem was with me. so i cheated on him, but of course never admitted to doing it. and this new guy i am with, is his exact opposite. i cant say i was desperate to be in love, because someone was head over heels in love with me at that time. i didnt know the reason behind me falling into the wrong kinds of relationship. i guess, subconsciously it must be the challenge i was up for. i wasnt looking for it; it has always been the trend for me. and i want to break from it.it did me no good.
1 person likes this
• United States
24 Mar 11
Yeah, but there had to be a reason why you felt that you wanted a challenge? What really compelled you to go from being with a great guy to being was a guy who wasn't so great? Other than the relationship boring you. Did you ever talk to the guy that you were with and tell him how you felt about the relationship, see if maybe that would change things a little bit?
@nikramos (698)
• Philippines
24 Mar 11
i can never tell him because he's done everything he can to make it work for us.i knew he loved me too much and i dont want to hurt him just because he bored me. ive even asked some time off from him to help me realize that i will miss him if he will be away from me. it led to nothing. the feeling just never got back. but i have him as a friend now.if i would ask him at this time to get back with me, i know he will. i sometimes pity myself why i have to choose someone not worth my effort over someone who loves and cares for me too much. i really dont know. im not sure why i was up for a challenge. and i mean really big, life-changing challenge... that is something i have yet to figure out.
1 person likes this
• United States
24 Mar 11
Maybe you just need to figure out who you really are, what do you want, what direction do you want to go in, what are your standards, what are your priorities, and what do you really want out of life and what do you want out of your relationship/s? You have to be honest with yourself. I have a cousin who is in an abusive relationship with a man, and she knows it because the family has seen what the guy has done to her. I am thinking that she might be in the relationship for the same reasons that you have mentioned, but that in and of itself can be destructive. I have seen him yell at her, manipulate her, control her, tell her what to do and I have seen him tell her that she wasn't good enough to really be with him. My mother and my other family members had to hold me back from wanted to murder him, and that made me realize what I didn't want in a relationship. Seeing bad relationships made me see what I didn't want in a relationship.
• Philippines
23 Mar 11
A lot of people married to an OFW happens to experience loneliness at times and they can't give in to temptations. I saw a lot of broken marriages because of desperate reasons that they are lonely..We should learn to be happy on our own because nobody can give you happiness instead of yourself.
1 person likes this
• United States
24 Mar 11
Okay, OFW? I am not sure that I am clear on that one, or have heard that one before. Can you clarify what that acronym stands for?
• Philippines
24 Mar 11
Oh sorry, OFW means Overseas Filipino Workers or someone that works outside your own country.sorry again.
@BethTN81 (564)
• United States
25 Mar 11
I've had my share of bad relationships because I was desperate. The last serious relationship I was in ended up being abusive. Learned alot though. Now I just hate men and don't trust them. Couldnt be happier :)
1 person likes this
• United States
26 Mar 11
I guess that is one good way to look at it, if you can't be in a great relationship, I guess it's best not to be in one at all.
• Philippines
24 Mar 11
That is always the case when someone is desperately seeking to be in a relationship...you tend to grab the first person who pursues you even though he may not fit what you are really looking for...you are blinded with your desire to be with that "someone" so as not to feel alone. That's why it's much nicer if we just let everything flow. It's less complicated this way.
• United States
26 Mar 11
It is much nicer if you just let it flow, but some people just don't want it that way for some reason.
@cream97 (29151)
• United States
24 Mar 11
Hi. rogue13xmen13. My sister-in-law has been in this situation too many times that I can count. She will end up dating this guy and then she will find out that he is not the one for her. I have seen her jump from relationship to relationship. She has four baby daddies. And she has six kids. Four boys and two girls. She also has another child on the way right now. She is still married to one of her baby daddies that she has the three boys with. Her oldest son is living in Georgia with his father and his stepmother plus his stepbrother too. I love my sister-in-law but I feel that she should just take care of herself and leave these men alone. She don't need the stress of trying to stay in a relationship with them when all they want to do is just get what they can out of her. It is very sad! We all know that she is just going back and forth because she wants a man to love her. Which is not wrong at all. She is just looking for love and stability within the wrong man. I am not trying to put her personal business out there, but it is the truth. If I was a single mother, I would just worry about getting me and my kids straight, before I let another no good man in my heart and in my bed.
1 person likes this
• United States
26 Mar 11
And she never learns from her first mistake? She just keeps making the same mistakes, right? Have you talked to her and told her that she shouldn't be in these bad relationships?
• United States
24 Mar 11
I think low self worth has a lot to do with it. Taking trash in as a lover is a tell tale sign. My heart goes out to people in these situations because I was there once or twice before. I say learn to love yourself and things will get better.
1 person likes this
• United States
26 Mar 11
I agree. It is low self worth, and low self-esteem.
• India
24 Mar 11
Desperation is the sign of instability. The first thing we should remember about any kind of relationship is to keep is safe by keeping it free. We human being are not animals. We don't like to be chains. Even after marriage or a serious relationship, one should give space to other. That is emotionally and psychologically, both. Love is free. Its divine and its freedom of expression and emotions. When you break this law of love, then desperation come and mess up the love story.
1 person likes this
• United States
26 Mar 11
Love is free, but love should never hurt.
@bird123 (10484)
• United States
24 Mar 11
Lots of lessons will be learned through it all. In time the discovery will be that true love can't be forced.
1 person likes this
• United States
24 Mar 11
Oh that's for sure. People certainly learn a lot from bad relationships, but there are also so people who don't learn anything from that bad relationship.
• Canada
24 Mar 11
I say look deeper. Maybe you/anyone lack the love that a parent/s failed to give them when they are young or even now. Maybe you have not discovered your love language yet. there are many reason why we tend to find love in all the wrong places.
• United States
24 Mar 11
Yes, that certainly plays a big role in the desperation. When a person has not gotten the love that they needed as a child, it can effect what they do and how they feel as an adult.
@sashakiddo (1104)
• United States
24 Mar 11
When people are desperate, they are likely to be not in their best shape emotionally, physically, or mentally. Maybe they aren't fulfilling their own personal goals, so they feel inferior to others. They just aren't reaching their own potential, so they may think they aren't capable of getting into a relationship with the right guy. On the other hand, people who are accomplishing all their goals might think, I am going to get mr perfect because I deserve him.
1 person likes this
• United States
24 Mar 11
That is very true. It goes both ways. I know, and you know, and most rational, sane, and logical people should know that there is no such thing as a perfect person, but on the other hand, you don't want to get with a person who is going to hurt you so badly that they might end up killing you.
@flookie (31)
• Philippines
24 Mar 11
When somebody is desperate they all end up doing the wrong decisions because their judgement was biased due to their emotions. the tendency is that they will jump into the soonest situation that they encounter without thinking of the consequences. Easier said than done but you need to analyze all decisions that you make may you be depserate or not.
1 person likes this
• United States
24 Mar 11
That is all too true. People really are at their worst when they are desperate. Thing is people do need to analyze their decisions more because they never know how their decisions may effect them or other people. I know many people who have made terrible decisions because of their desperation and their emotions, and they hurt so many people in their tracks. They didn't just hurt themselves, but they hurt their parents, their children, their siblings, friends, anyone who was involved in their lives ended up getting hurt because of irrational decisions that they made.
@lilaclady (28226)
• Australia
23 Mar 11
We all want to be loved, and when we lose someone we feel very alone to we reach out to ease the pain I think, I don't think we deliberately grab for the wrong type of person because nearly everyone puts on a facade and when we are in this frame of mind we fall for it, its not til a little later we see these people for what they are but by that time our hearts are reliant in them.
1 person likes this
• United States
24 Mar 11
I get that we all want to be loved, I mean, who doesn't want to be loved? But what leads us to being with people who are going to hurt us? I think that for some people it might subconscious, but I think that for others, it is intentional.
• United States
23 Mar 11
I suppose it is because they are not thinking clearly and hoping that the person will comfort the lonely feeling. Although they may see signs that this is not for them they somehow turn a blind eye with hopes that they are no longer alone anymore, is my thinking.
1 person likes this
• United States
24 Mar 11
That's pretty logical.
• United States
23 Mar 11
I haven't been in a relationship like this but i have witnessed a lot of these. My sister is one of those people who can never be "alone". She fears that no one loves her when she is alone and has to constantly be in a relationship to fulfill something mental about her appearance i think. There is this fear that is inside a lot of people that they are going to get old and no one is going to fall in love with them. I think it's funny how rushed people are to get into relationships as if there were some kind of deadline set for happiness. Of course I can't speak for everyone who is like this but that's what I've learned from these kinds of people. There just seems to be a need to be wanted a need to be needed by someone else. I guess it doesn't really matter who it is in the end as long as we aren't alone, although in a world filled with over a billion people i don't really see how they feel so alone . As an outsider looking in, I feel that these people are ridiculous and put up with more crap than its worth. I don't know if they ever really find love, but they are always in love.
• United States
24 Mar 11
That is how I feel. You just can't rush love, otherwise you are going to get into a relationship that will be detrimental to your health, or it will end up killing you somehow. People need to have some kind of standards so that that way they will prevent themselves from getting into those bad relationships.
1 person likes this
@yopyyop (187)
• Romania
23 Mar 11
In some moment of our life we can feel lonely and run for someone just to fill that gap. But most of the time we just need to offer and to get love, affection and be in the arms of someone who is loved by us. We need that heat or chemical reaction. I can say we are addicted to love because we search it all the time and we do it like an animal instinct.
1 person likes this
• United States
24 Mar 11
Like that song, "Might as well face it, your addicted to love".
@jaiho2009 (38988)
• Philippines
23 Mar 11
When someone is desperate,it means,he/she won't choose the best or better one,as long as he/she feels that ,that someone is showing care and affection he/she will jump into having relationship with that person. That is why mosts of relationship that is not taken with deep emotion,or just taken for granted (just to have someone to love and care) didn't lasts for long. Relationship should not be taken desperately,or for granted. It must be love,respect,trust and honest feeling that matters most. or else,it will just end up with another wrong choice and wrong decision.
1 person likes this
• United States
24 Mar 11
Exactly, people take many relationships for granted, and so many end prematurely because of irrational decision making.
• India
3 May 11
Yes i know many girls and guys of my city, who are mad in love and feel so desperate, i see them talking for hours on cell phone.. Thanks for sharing Cheers. God bless you, have a nice day ahead. Professor ‘Bhuwan’. .