Am I Expected To Accept This?
By Janey1966
@Janey1966 (24170)
Carlisle, England
May 19, 2011 9:46am CST
I can't begin to tell you how disappointed I am.
A few weeks ago me and John cut up our credit cards into tiny pieces after we paid them off. Since then John keeps receiving correspondence from Nat West tempting him with new rates, etc. I don't receive anything from Virgin Credit. Neither of us have actually cancelled our accounts which is the worrying thing for John as he's been tempted to use it online.
Now, I told him after seeing his credit card statement a while ago that whenever new ones comes in through the post I shall open them. He knows this, it's no secret.
So, imagine my surprise when I opened the latest one to find that he's been using SkyBet online again. He bet £25 then paid it off a couple of days later, therefore he is back to a nil balance.
What's wrong with that? Well, I naively thought that he'd cancelled his account with SkyBet. Obviously, he is able to place bets without having the physical card as the number is stored in the system, therefore it's automatic.
I'm fuming about this because he told me that he wouldn't be able to bet anymore without the card. Yet another lie.
I'm also in the dark if he's been using his debit card to place bets. My guess is he will be. If he can lie about the credit card he can quite easily lie about the debit card as well. I have no way of knowing what his bank account says because it's all online (as mine is) and I can't ask for a copy of it as it's not a joint account, thank God.
I will confront him about it as he's let me down (again). Granted, he now has a nil balance on his credit card but, to me, that's not the point. He's used it to gamble with, something that is as bad as squandering it on drink, like he does next door.
If he now expects me to trawl through the internet looking for a job he's got another thing coming. He can't be trusted so why should I do HIM any favours? His mother can slag me off all she likes, I don't care. Does she REALLY know what her precious son is up to? I think not and I'm sick of her thinking I'm the villain of the piece here. I'd ring her up if it wasn't so f*cking expensive to do so during the day!
If this keeps happening I shall leave him as one thing I cannot stand are lying, sneaky, secretive scumbags.
A few weeks ago me and John cut up our credit cards into tiny pieces after we paid them off. Since then John keeps receiving correspondence from Nat West tempting him with new rates, etc. I don't receive anything from Virgin Credit. Neither of us have actually cancelled our accounts which is the worrying thing for John as he's been tempted to use it online.
Now, I told him after seeing his credit card statement a while ago that whenever new ones comes in through the post I shall open them. He knows this, it's no secret.
So, imagine my surprise when I opened the latest one to find that he's been using SkyBet online again. He bet £25 then paid it off a couple of days later, therefore he is back to a nil balance.
What's wrong with that? Well, I naively thought that he'd cancelled his account with SkyBet. Obviously, he is able to place bets without having the physical card as the number is stored in the system, therefore it's automatic.
I'm fuming about this because he told me that he wouldn't be able to bet anymore without the card. Yet another lie.
I'm also in the dark if he's been using his debit card to place bets. My guess is he will be. If he can lie about the credit card he can quite easily lie about the debit card as well. I have no way of knowing what his bank account says because it's all online (as mine is) and I can't ask for a copy of it as it's not a joint account, thank God.
I will confront him about it as he's let me down (again). Granted, he now has a nil balance on his credit card but, to me, that's not the point. He's used it to gamble with, something that is as bad as squandering it on drink, like he does next door.
If he now expects me to trawl through the internet looking for a job he's got another thing coming. He can't be trusted so why should I do HIM any favours? His mother can slag me off all she likes, I don't care. Does she REALLY know what her precious son is up to? I think not and I'm sick of her thinking I'm the villain of the piece here. I'd ring her up if it wasn't so f*cking expensive to do so during the day!
If this keeps happening I shall leave him as one thing I cannot stand are lying, sneaky, secretive scumbags.5 people like this
18 responses
@hardworkinggurl (37063)
• United States
20 May 11
Hi Janey,
Gosh I am really sorry you are feeling this way and with reason. You have every right to be livid and upset. I despise lying and do not tolerate it easily. I can say do this and or that but seriously you have John at home and my honest most humble advise is that you tell him exactly how you feel.
Start out calmly but do get to the point that this is upsetting you implicitly. Point out to him how you have been doing all you have been doing for the two of you and there is no two of you when he does this behind your back. Do remind him of all you have been doing and what you DO not do for the sake of the two of you. I can't advise and or comment if he has a secret addiction to this because I/we do not live with Johna and personally it would not be right for any of us to advise what is right for you.
What we hear is that you have been lied to and it really upsets you, which it should and what I can advise is that you need to tell him exactly how you feel about it and what you will not tolerate. It is only fair since you do not any of this behind his back.
Wishing you all the best and hope that this all can be resolved, the many years you two have invested should not be taken lightly for the sake of love and without trust there is absolutely no love. 
@GardenGerty (157551)
• United States
20 May 11
I think HWG is very reasonable in what she is saying. We are not there and do not know if he is addicted. it is just that you have to talk it all over between the two of you.
@Janey1966 (24170)
• Carlisle, England
20 May 11
Hi Guys, thanks for your comments, they're much appreciated.
As for John, he told me it was a free bet online. He virtually begged me to believe him and I said I did BUT I've never known of a free £25 on this site. It tends to be £5 max. I've not pointed this out to him, mainly because Mum is coming to stay for a couple of days a week tomorrow and I don't want an atmosphere in the house.
I suppose if I was working and had my own money, then the fact that he is gambling with his money may not annoy me as much. I could just save it all up and do what I wanted with it. You see, he's not really interested in his surroundings, whereas I find it very important to enjoy living in a home you're actually lucky enough to have these days!
I guess our priorities differ.
@hardworkinggurl (37063)
• United States
20 May 11
Hi GG
I will never forget on how early on you have said to me that myLot is such a great place to vent because many of us are always willing to listen. I value those wonderful words because so true, as you and I tend to follow discussions to where we can be apply a listening ear, and humble advise. Whereas sometimes many on the exterior and or offline will be quick to judge and not be so willing to listen.
They have been together for a while so we will keep our prayers hopeful that all will work out for the best for the two of them.
1 person likes this
@zazen6 (169)
• Philippines
20 May 11
You are not expected accept dishonesty. However, your partner (is he your husband?) may be suffering from addiction that needs to be treated professionally. You may find this lame, but I have to ask whether you still love him enough to help him...
1 person likes this
@Janey1966 (24170)
• Carlisle, England
19 May 11
Luckily, his Mum isn't in the picture that often but if she knew what he's been up to she wouldn't be pleased. However, he's always gambled and they've always known about it but chose not to tell me when I started seeing him..you know, he may have a potential problem you need to know about. Nothing.
I thank God we don't have a joint account as I'd be up to my eyes in debt, alongside him.
1 person likes this
@Ladyobsidian (198)
• Canada
19 May 11
Agreed with Cher. Lying, by any type, is not healthy in any relationship, and you need to take care of yourself first. I'm sorry you're going through this. :(
1 person likes this
@Janey1966 (24170)
• Carlisle, England
19 May 11
Trouble is, if I ask him outright if he's using his debit card to fund bets he will probably say "no." Well, in that case he should show me his Sky Bet account..it's the only way of knowing if he's telling the truth or not.
I'm not very lucky with men lol.
@zukichucha (991)
• United States
19 May 11
It sounds like he is a binge gambler. He is trying hard to quit and even cut up the card. But he can't help himself sometimes and just has to do it. Hence, he went into the account gambled a tad and paid it off quickly. I would also confront him if I were you. But before you do so, come up with ideas on other ways he can gamble without wasting money. Has he tried playing these games without betting actual money? Maybe he can find that they are still fun and are not breaking the budget!
@Janey1966 (24170)
• Carlisle, England
19 May 11
I've no idea if he can play games, etc, without betting. He tends to bet on horses and the outcome of football matches. He also buys scratch cards which is something I don't actually mind as he's upfront about it and often wins the money back he paid for them. The online betting though, has to stop, especially when he told me he wasn't going to do it anymore. I think there are some areas (like Sky Vegas) where he could bet using a points system instead. I do this..it's like betting with "pretend" money.
@KrauseHome (36448)
• United States
26 May 11
Wow!! This would be a hard position to be in, and one that would be hard for sure. I know I would have a hard time dealing with something like this if it was me. I think personally you really need to confront him and let him know how you feel, and when it is things like Finances it can cause a strain for sure. I just hope somehow things will be able to improve.
@Janey1966 (24170)
• Carlisle, England
26 May 11
John told me it was a free bet when I confronted him about the statement. The only upside is that the balance was nil so I do think he is keeping a lid on his credit card. He knows that I see the statements so it's in his own interests to keep it that way.
As for his bank account though..no idea what's happening there but since we don't have a joint account, I'm not getting involved.
@mr_pearl (5018)
• India
20 May 11
Hi Janey... I am sorry that you have experienced this.. This is the first time ever, that I have read such kind of post from you... But I understand how it feels when one is being lied to...
Janey, men are like that... We can't control that temptation.. I guess the same happened with John... Forgive him! Talk to him, tonight.. Ask him why he did it and lied to you.. I am sure he is sorry too... This happens with men quite often... We make mistakes and repent it... Forgive him, Miss...
Take care...
@Janey1966 (24170)
• Carlisle, England
20 May 11
Oh, I always forgiven him, that's my trouble! I suppose if we had a joint account I'd have left him ages ago. His behaviour still affects me though, despite this.
I reckon I'll just have to get used to the idea that he's a gambler and grovels off his parents when it all gets too much.
I once told him that I could really upset him by telling his parents what he's like with money...and upset them too because they haven't got a clue. I refuse to do that as it's none of their business. It's OUR business what is happening but I do think it's cheeky of him to accept their money when he's gambling with his own!!
@BarBaraPrz (45487)
• St. Catharines, Ontario
19 May 11
Does he even ever win anything when he bets?
@BarBaraPrz (45487)
• St. Catharines, Ontario
19 May 11
I doubt saying something before you got married would have been any more effective than telling him now.
@Janey1966 (24170)
• Carlisle, England
19 May 11
Good question. He does win on the scratch cards, occassionally but those are the ones I know about. He works 20 miles away so I reckon he's probably bought a few there. I can cope with this BUT gambling online is a bad idea and far too easy to do, in my opinion. I'm one of those people that never wins anything so betting on a regular basis is a mug's game. No-one has ever said anything about his gambling until I came along. I guess I stuck my head in the sand as I knew what he was like long before we got married. If I'd said from the start that I won't tolerate the gambling what would he have done, I wonder? I often thought that Virgos are responsible people that think of others.
How wrong could I be?
1 person likes this
@derek_a (10874)
•
21 May 11
I am sorry to hear of your problem Janey. A family member had the same problem. To me he was a compulsive gambler, but would never admit it. The number of times that I heard him say that he was going to quit gambling forever, only to come up with another "system" that would make him rich. It never did, only caused severe problems from time to time with other family members.
As a therapist I have been consulted by many people who can't resist a flutter. The truth is, if you can take it or leave it alone, then you are just somebody having a flutter. If you conceal it, and takes risks, you are most probably hooked on the adrenalin and need to adress the problem with a professional. Gambling will cause us to lie and hide our activity. It is all part of the excitement to risk getting found out, but many of us will deny it is exciting and claim to be in complete control. Why bother to hide anything that you are in complete control of. I hope you manage to resolve this issue, but it will probably mean that you have to be strong. 
_Derek
_Derek@derek_a (10874)
•
22 May 11
Hi Janey,,, As a therapist, I have seen many compulsive gamblers and whilst it is true that they could cut down on their gambling, it didn't last. They were back to see me agan, but then it was more difficult to get them to quit. I would usually try and persuade a client to go to Gamblers Anonymous, if they weren't willing to do this, then I more or less knew it wasn't going to work. Incentive and commitment is needed after a person acknowledges they have a gambling problem.
The only place that I gamble is on the Lottery, which to be fair a very long-shot - not really gambling at all at just a few pounds a week, and if it ever got to the point where I couldn't afford that, then I wouldn't miss it. Apart from the lottery, for me, gambling on anything is a no-go area. I don't do it, and never will. I think it is taken far too lightly in this country at the moment with the way it being promoted. _Derek
_Derek@Janey1966 (24170)
• Carlisle, England
23 May 11
I know what you mean. Even in the advert breaks inbetween the first and second halves of live games on telly, on comes Ray Winstone on Bet365 with the latest odds on the actual game itself!
@Janey1966 (24170)
• Carlisle, England
21 May 11
Thanks for that Derek. I can't tell if he's in denial or not as I don't know if he has a problem with his gambling still.
I did notice that his credit card statement was a nil balance, which, believe me, is a major achievement in itself. I suppose, if he were to abuse his SkyBet account there's no way he'd have a nil balance on his credit card..the temptation would be too great.
Is it possible to go from betting a lot to betting now and again? Can it be done with willpower?
1 person likes this
@Janey1966 (24170)
• Carlisle, England
19 May 11
He has told me that it was a free bet (and they do offer them now and again) so I guess I'll have to trust him and believe he's telling me the truth.
@changjiangzhibin89 (16534)
• China
20 May 11
I am quite aware of how you must feel just now.The gamble can be a dangerous addiction.John hope to get rich but that perhaps leads to losing a family fortune.You must keep calm and warn him of the consequences,don't lightly say to his face that you shall leave him .
@Janey1966 (24170)
• Carlisle, England
20 May 11
I've never actually threatened him with the "packing my bags" scenario and the only reason I didn't go this time was the fact the credit card statement had a nil balance on it. John knows that I open the envelopes up so if he started betting in a serious way again, there is no way he can get away with it. He'd be very stupid to go down that route.
@stary1 (6612)
• United States
20 May 11
Oh I am sorry this happened. It's tough when you can't trust. I think perhaps he may have a bigger problem than he realizes. I sure hope you can talk to him in his calm, relaxed state and help him to help himself.
Maybe he could agree to spend just a small amount periodically and account to you for it? If that is impossible, then he probably does have a bigger problem than he wants to admit.
@Janey1966 (24170)
• Carlisle, England
20 May 11
The problem is, he doesn't admit to gambling at all and I know, with his nature being of the secretive kind anyway, he just HAS to be gambling at some stage. He went on his Mac earlier when I was on the phone to Mum and I joked, "Don't do any gambling!" It's the only way I can mention it without being "obvious" as that's when we go around in circles. With me saying it in a jokey way he realises I'm onto him if he IS tempted to gamble.
I hope all that makes sense!
@GardenGerty (157551)
• United States
20 May 11
Trust is essential, in whatever situation. I am sorry that this is a problem for you and John. Betting is an awful addiction.
@Janey1966 (24170)
• Carlisle, England
20 May 11
If he was like my Dad and put pennies on I'd be OK about it. In fact, someone who did just that won about a million quid on a 5 horse accumulator. Funny how that never happens to those who place bigger bets isn't it?
@Chastised_Dreamz (559)
• United States
20 May 11
I think you should really try to sit down and have a talk with him about it because it's a problem that effects both of you. I don't like the deception. The drinking is another issue. If he expects you to look for a job when he's wasting money the way he is then I agree with other posters, you need to look after yourself. Let him know how much it bothers you.
I also hate it when mothers pick up for their sons when they don't know what they are doing. I've seen it happen all too often. Families in general do it. If they're wrong I don't see why they have to be defended. It doesn't help make them better people. It just enables the bad behavior.
In the end you have to look after yourself if he isn't willing to see how his behavior effects you [or is too selfish to care (which I hope isn't the case)]. I hope everything works out for the best.
@Janey1966 (24170)
• Carlisle, England
20 May 11
Thanks for those kind words. He is a lovely husband in many ways..he's just not very good with money. However, having said that, the mortgage is something he NEVER gets behind with so I guess I should be grateful.
Thinking about the money he's sqaundered over the years, though, is a tad annoying and I'm annoyed with MYSELF for not mentioning it to him years ago when the alarm bells sounded then.
If I ever see another statement with SKYBET on it ever again I'm liable to go ballistic as I don't think the next one will be a free bet like he's told me this one was.
£25 free bet? Mmm, I don't think so!
@Sandra1952 (6047)
• Spain
20 May 11
Hello, Janey. I feel for you. I was married to a serial liar for 20 years. They don't seem to realise they always get caught out. He used to ask me how I knew he was lying and I said: 'Because your lips are moving.'
Seriously, if the account is closed, he can't place any more bets, as they should ask for verification - usually the 3 digit number on the back - to prove the card is in your possession.
He needs to be reminded that you are a team - there's no 'I' in partners, after all. He's being very silly, because he's destroying your trust, and that will ultimately destroy your love. When that's gone, he's got nothing, even if you physically stay with him. PM me if you need to talk.
@Janey1966 (24170)
• Carlisle, England
20 May 11
Thanks Sandra. I seem to attract liars. The last one I lived with was the same. I'm far too trusting for my own good.
I did suggest he cancel his account with SkyBet and he reckons it's "a good idea." Seriously doubt he will though.
@webearn99 (1742)
• India
19 May 11
Well, it seems a deception and you have the need to ask him. Do it in a calm and rational way. Men expect a rant and s shouting match when confronted. For all of it to end there will be tears. Do it different and that will confound his senses enough to scare him. Trust me it is an infringement not a unforgivable sin. After all we don't know what brought that about. It is all about being a male. I am a man, been on that side of the fence many times.
@Janey1966 (24170)
• Carlisle, England
19 May 11
Thanks for the advice, it's much appreciated.
The temptation is very strong to shout at him but I've never got mad enough to actually do that, strangely enough. What would it take for me to have a real go at him?
Probably another woman..now that would make me REALLY angry but then again she'd be welcome to someone who GAMBLES!
Haha!
The temptation is very strong to shout at him but I've never got mad enough to actually do that, strangely enough. What would it take for me to have a real go at him?
Probably another woman..now that would make me REALLY angry but then again she'd be welcome to someone who GAMBLES!
Haha!