Teaching my daughter a lesson today about money..was I too tough?
By JenInTN
@JenInTN (27514)
United States
June 5, 2011 8:30am CST
My daughter has been working at a little pizza place here to pay for her car insurance and to have some extra money. She had steadily been getting more and more hours. It is summer so there is no school. I opened her a bank account and because she won't be 18 until September, it had to be with me attached.
Money management is going to be very important for her future and to be honest..she hasn't been managing it very well. She is keeping enough to pay her insurance..but other than that..she has been spending alot on junk. McDonalds mostly. So anyway..she pops up yesturday and wants to borrow money to go to a theme park. She doesn't have enough to go and pay her insurance at the same time. I told her no. That if she was managing her money...she would have had money to go. She said she wouldn't have so we pulled up her account and I added up all the little McDonalds charges. She would have had plenty of money to go. She is mad at me right now...but I have to say that it might be a good lesson. So what do you think? Was I too tough on her? I love her and I want her to have a great time..but I have to teach her that money doesn't grow on trees. Was I wrong?
15 people like this
76 responses
@missybear (11391)
• United States
5 Jun 11
That's a tough 1, I know what you're trying to do and it's a good lesson but I think maybe you should have loaned her the money and that way she could have gone and had fun, you would get your money back{maybe}and she wouldn't be mad at you.
But I know what you were trying to do
4 people like this
@missybear (11391)
• United States
5 Jun 11
It's easy for me to say..I don't have kids I think you did good
2 people like this
@yoyo1198 (3641)
• United States
5 Jun 11
She's mad because she screwed up but she'll get over it. You did the right thing. If she's making enough to blow it on McDonalds stuff then she should be saving it. She surely doesn't need to eat that much from McD's. I know you are feeding her at home.
4 people like this
@JenInTN (27514)
• United States
5 Jun 11
There is always food here...lol...that's what bugs me. It's not like she was starving or had no choice. We just don't eat a lot of junk. We have food here and full cooked dinners.
I think she sees once we added up her McDonalds expenses that she was blowing too much there...she was probably paying their light bill.
1 person likes this
@GemmaR (8517)
•
5 Jun 11
I don't think you were too tough on her at all. Because I have a feeling that asking your Mum if you "borrow" some money kind of means that you won't ever be getting it back from her, which isn't fair on you because she's perfectly capable of having her own job and therefore managing her own money. I had "jobs" from the age of 13, and as a result of that never asked my Mum for money. My younger brother, on the other hand, never had that life lesson and he's 15 now and asks for money literally all the time. And, they give it to him, which I find a little bit annoying particularly when I know that I had to work for the money when I was his age.
4 people like this
@JenInTN (27514)
• United States
6 Jun 11
Hi Gemma! Yes..that can be irritating. Parents tend to do things more for the ones that don't seem to be able to care for themselves. They obviously realize how strong and mature you were. That doesn't make you feel any better..because he's not getting the "lesson."
She's not mad at me anymore..so maybe she understands now.
2 people like this
@Hvaniday1 (550)
• Malaysia
5 Jun 11
Hi JenInTN, you mean she spend all her monies on McDonalds...? she likes burger a lot, isn't she? I don't know whether or not you were wrong but I think if she really hungry then she have to spend on food. Otherwise she wouldn't have the energy to work...though. Does she get any free meal from the pizza?
4 people like this
@GardenGerty (160819)
• United States
5 Jun 11
In addition to teaching her about money, you are teaching her to plan ahead. It is never too young to learn. I think it is great that she learns to pay for her own car insurance, and it is not like the summer is over or the theme park is closing down. She needs to have a "contingency fund" stashed so that when these spontaneous little activities come up she is able to go. I am sure McDonald's is fun, and it probably has been something she has done with her friends, but in addition to eating up her paycheck, it is not the healthiest lifestyle choice she can make. My son does not manage as well as he could, but better than I expected (35) and my daughter manages pretty well and is having a good influence on her husband (32). Son pays his bills on time and if he really wants something he does save for it, but he and his soon to be ex lost a house. I am sure it took both of them to do it. Daughter gets to stay home with the grandkids and they bought a house and are remodeling it. She sometimes has to put her foot down for certain issues, though.
3 people like this
@JenInTN (27514)
• United States
6 Jun 11
Sounds like they are doing pretty good. I don't think any of us are perfect at the money thing. Maybe I can at least make a point to her that if she wants extra..she has to save.
The care insurance is her first bill. I wanted her to have that as soon as she started to drive. She was well in to 17 and it's very expensive to insure her.
And the food choice..yes..very unhealthy. Maybe it is because we don't eat a lot of McDonalds and she is spoiling herself..lol. I think she will be cutting back on that a bit now.
Thanks for the response.
1 person likes this
@finlander60 (1804)
• United States
5 Jun 11
You were not wrong. Be strong. May I say that I learned a valuable lesson many years ago? I worked all summer in the woods peeling pulp for my cousin. None of us that worked got paid until the pulp was sold, so we were earning money without having it every week. We got it all at once in September. I averaged about $3.00 a day for the whole summer. My Dad suggested that I write out a list of what I wanted to buy with that money. I wrote down that list with what I kind of thought each item would cost. I wrote out that list in August. Dad took that list and put it in his wallet that day. When I got paid, he suggested that we open up a savings account at the bank in town. We went to the bank with that check, opened a savings account and left to go home. Friday evening Dad asked Mom if she had seen my list? She hadn't seen it in quite a while she said. She reminded Dad that it was in his wallet, she thought. He went looking through his wallet and couldn't find it. He suggested that I rewrite that list that I had written back in August. I did. Like a miracle Mom "found it." Dad and I compared the two lists, and discovered that a few of the things were on both lists. His comment was that "I guess these are the things that you really want and need because they both match." He said "Let's go to town and get them, now." This was a very valuable lesson that I learned that day because I learned that, just because you want something now doesn't mean that you really need it, now. Patience is a virtue. Practice it.
3 people like this
@JenInTN (27514)
• United States
5 Jun 11
Wow..thanks for sharing that! I think that was a very good way to show that what we want right now are things that might change in the very near future..and how to establish the most important ones. I might have to try something like that with my youngest one. Hmm..it won't be long for her now..lol. Thanks again for sharing your story.
3 people like this
@ANTIQUELADY (36440)
• United States
5 Jun 11
Of course u weren't wrong. I'm proud of u for doing that. They have to learn & u are the teacher. U are a good mom, Jen.
@ANTIQUELADY (36440)
• United States
6 Jun 11
I know it is , been there done that. I bet she will remember this next month & not blow it all in at mcdonalds.I'm glad she's not mad at u but that will happen to.
1 person likes this
@anklesmash (1412)
•
5 Jun 11
I think you have taught her a valuable lesson and you absolutely did the right thing.She won't always be able to rely on you and when she is in the real world she wont be able to have everything she wants and if she wants to treat herself she will have to budget for it.People who don't learn this lesson could end up in serious financial trouble.
@JenInTN (27514)
• United States
5 Jun 11
I think that is a wonderful point. I also think that I will sit down with her..once she isn't mad at me anymore..and teach her how to do a good budget where she can plan for possible fun stuff and still have McDonalds every now and again.
Thanks for responding!
4 people like this
@thesids (22180)
• Bhubaneswar, India
5 Jun 11
Hi JenInTN
Reading this reminds me of my teen days when I would not tolerate anyone interfering in what I do - I did not start earning till I was 21(quite late).
And yes, I will also add - I am still a food relisher (this is a wrong word I know, but it kind of conveys what I want to, pls excuse the wrong word). Even when I am ill and not allowed much of the foods that I love, I still opt for them at least once a fortnight. These taste buds...
For your daughter, I feel she is reacting the way it should be and is quite natural. And the same holds for your reaction. You both are right in your own perspectives and in the longer run, your being right will definitely become more visible to your daughter. Money Management is one of the most essential requirements (as I have learned this - the hard way) and you are doing right.
Maybe, to pacify her, you can allow her a weekly lunch or anything at the McDonalds but a word of caution - when you are restricted to eat, the people who love food, eat beyond capacities when allowed So be careful in case you allow this.
3 people like this
@JenInTN (27514)
• United States
6 Jun 11
Hi thesids!
We do eat more at home than out..I think it might have been a bit of her spoiling herself with some junk that she loves..lol. I am really ok with her eating there some...but she was eating there every other day..sometimes everyday. I don't think she realized how much she was spending there until I added it up for her.
Oh..she wasn't mad at ma anymore last night..lol..I think she understands.
Thanks for responding and never worry about the word thing.
1 person likes this
@hardworkinggurl (37063)
• United States
5 Jun 11
Hi Jen
Oh no you were not tough at all, see not showing her the way means she will be careless in the future. She is learning what it is like to earn, therefore, she has to learn how to separate the saving/paying/spending.
I am sure it was painful to make the decision, but in the long run she will understand. Perhaps she will never say it was you who taught me to be responsible, but she will know and so will you by her actions.
3 people like this
@JenInTN (27514)
• United States
5 Jun 11
Heyya HWG
It was tough to tell her no..but I do think it's for a greater cause. Once we added up her McDonald's expenses..she saw she would have had enough money to go. I do hope she learns from it. I am going to hold a "budget class" with her once she isn't mad anymore
Thanks for the support!
3 people like this
@mythociate (21432)
• Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
6 Jun 11
No, you're not wrong. I think it would be better if she saw it as a choice between going to McDonald's a bunch or going to the amusement park once, in which case you can praise her for making the right choice.
Hey, when she's old enough to get married, why don't you send her my way?
@david2000 (97)
• Singapore
5 Jun 11
I think you did the right thing. Hopefully, your daughter would learn to be more self conscious. You are a great parent. I think that when teaching kids how to manage money. It has to start young, only then, will it become a habit.
It is important that you check her account on a regular basis to make sure she does not starts the habit of spending. Actually, teens going to Mcdonalds is normal, and you should not stop them from going out with their friends, provided they are good.
What you can advise your daughter is that when buying meals, you can choose not to upsize, or only to buy the burger. Money is a form of security, without it, you would feel insecure, by teaching your daughter this tips, im sure she will lead a good life.
4 people like this
@JenInTN (27514)
• United States
5 Jun 11
Hi David..thanks for the input! Yes..I think it is normal to go to McDonalds some with friends, but she was spending money there almost every other day..sometimes it was everyday. I think that most everything is ok in moderation but jeez..lol.
I am going to sit down with her and teach her how to plan. She knows a little..but it is looking like it is time to go a little deeper into it.
3 people like this
@Lakota12 (42600)
• United States
5 Jun 11
I know its hard to turn them down but her working she should have planned for this too if she really wanted to go.
My son was about 10 I think and he wanted one of those stech armstong action figures ya know the one with the goop in it?
any way I told him if he wanted it he would have to make money for it So he hunted up cans to seel I took him and helped him till he had enough then he found a way to go to town which he had to go to Laramie Wy from where we lived. with friend and his faily got the action figure came home had a ball with it till it sprung a leak red goop came out of it what a mess. but I think he appreciated it more since he had to work to pay for it.
2 people like this
@JenInTN (27514)
• United States
6 Jun 11
That's a good point! Appreciation! There is a lot more appreciation when you have to strive a little. If she got to go to that themepark everytime she turned around..she wouldn't enjoy it near as much. I am betting that fake chicken and fries is probably not as good now as it was when she first started having it every other say either..lol..Thanks for responding.
@idowrite72 (2213)
• United States
5 Jun 11
Wish I had been as tough with my kids, but they didn't have car insurance to pay for and I didn't care that they didn't have jobs while they were still in school. BUT they are all grown now and STILL ask for loans. At one point last month all four of them owed me. I CAN say no, but it depends on what they are borrowing for. I think you are doing the right thing since that is why she is working!!
2 people like this
@JenInTN (27514)
• United States
6 Jun 11
I wouldn't mind one bit loaning money if it were for something she really needed. And if she were hungry and that was why she was spending at McDonalds..well..that would be different too. I think she just needed to see how much those little charges really were adding up.
Thanks for the response.
1 person likes this
@Hatley (163776)
• Garden Grove, California
5 Jun 11
hi JenInTn I do not think so as this is a lesson one should learn when young not flounder around as an adult like I did and wake up to th
fact a credit card does not mean uou never have to pay the due amount. I had started out really well. I had a Meryns card, a J.C penny card and a Sears card. for the first year or so I was prompt in paying the fu ll amountof charges rather than the minimum but my part time job at the library depended on our country coffers ,. okay our Orange County went bankrupt thus causing the library branches to cut down hours. My wages took a nose dive and suddenly I was still buying stuff but was steadily not paying those 3 cards all up. I was paying the minimum 40 dollars on Sears, the other two I was still almost caught up then one fine day I realized to my horror I was in debt to Seard for 1200 dollars, how did I do that well five dollars here charges, ten dollars there etc. like your daughgter with her McDonals mine was Sears in small amounts. I did go to a company that helps you get out of debt with credit cards. amd they got JC Pennys and Mervyns to cut their Charges way down so I soon got those cleared up but after two years of forty dollars a mo nth and the principal not going down I gave up on Sears and it over ten years was outlawed., but had I given myself the lesson y ou gave your daughter I wou ld not have gotten into Credit problems. I think you were just right,not too strict at all.As this will prevent her when she is an adult from getting into credit card debt like I did. after that mess I tore up all my credit cards. I have a debit card and that keeps me honest, I do not b uy if my account if low. and with debit you are always paid up. no charges looming. good discussion.,
3 people like this
@JenInTN (27514)
• United States
5 Jun 11
Thanks for sharing your story! I think that it is the little charges here and there that can get us in trouble. I don't think she realized for one minute how much she had spent at McDonalds until we added it up. It's not like she is hungry either..we always have food here. What she spent was worthless expense. I do hope she realizes or at least one day realizes..I did it like that because I love her.
Take care Ms. Hatley.
3 people like this
@lumenmom (1986)
• United States
5 Jun 11
I definitely believe this is a lesson she should learn early. My question is how was discussed with her about money management before the issue of the theme park came up? I ask this because I use that as a gauge to determine what type of consequences I give my daughter in learning situations. If I have went over it with her a lot and she just doesn't want to respond or doesn't get it, I then let the school of hard knocks teach her the lesson. In that case I would have done the same thing as you. If however, I had not emphasized the importance of money management along the way as she was spending the money on McDonald's, then I would have given her a bit more learning curve by going ahead and helping her out this time but showing her (as you did) where she could have had the money and warning her that next time I will not be so helpful.
2 people like this
@JenInTN (27514)
• United States
6 Jun 11
Heyya two! No..it's not the first time we have discussed finances, but it is the first time she has had to "do without" because of her spending choices.
I have talked with her..without saying..you can't..because it is her money..but I also want her to realize that her choices where money is concerned carries weight. I think a budget lesson might be in order. She is still young and there is a lot to learn. She isn't mad at me anymore, but I think that some of the best lessons are the "wake up" calls per say. It's nice to think we can ease in to things..and in some ways we can..but I'm thinking the well..that is that and you made a choice is a good way to learn too.
Thanks for the responses!
@andy77e (5156)
• United States
6 Jun 11
No. I think you were more than fair. The whole point of being a parent, is to teach your children how life works. If you were a magic fairy woman, who could give her money whenever she needed for the rest of her life, then there would be no need for this lesson.
But you are not, are you? And nor is anyone. At some point you want your child to be able to live without you. We've seen what happens when that doesn't happen.
You have 3rd and 4th generation welfare recipients who can't pay for their own bread. You have dependent people in their 40s, unable to survive on their own.
Sometimes the lesson hurts. And it hurts the parent to give that lesson.
But she will not learn unless she is forced to. I personally can't think of one time in my working life, in which I didn't pay my own way to a theme park. It was always expected that I'd save my own money, and buy my own ticket. It was up to me if I wanted to go.
When I was 10 years old? Yeah that's different. But at 16, I was paying for everything I wanted.
I would urge you to not give in on this. This is a life lesson she really needs. Especially if she's angry about it. If she thinks it's your job, as if you are obligated, to pay for her fun times... yeah, that needs changed.
Your future son-in-law, and extended family you don't even know yet, will thank you for raising a wise daughter. :)
2 people like this
@JenInTN (27514)
• United States
7 Jun 11
I know it would only get worse if I allowed it now. She didn't stay mad long..she was more disappointed I think. That's ok too. I would rather her be disappointed now over a themepark than disappointed later because an important bill could not be met.
You make some very good points about her possible future if she's not taught well now too.
Thanks for the input from both of you!
@marie2052 (3691)
• United States
7 Jun 11
Liked your comments! I agree. There are so many young adults out there getting free food, subsidized housing etc.
And not work.
My husband got a call from his Son while we were out of town. He is 39. He is an Over the road trucker, wants to take his lease to own tractor back in has his girlfriend riding with him and called Daddy to send him two tickets so he could go to another state.
I looked at my husband in disbelief saying "if he is still driving the truck then he is getting a paycheck! Why do you need to send him two tickets to get to a new position for him and his girlfriend???
Hubby is still thinking on it...
yea I agree somewhere kids have to stand on their own two feet and quit living off state, government, and families!
@wealthybhavik (198)
• United States
6 Jun 11
i think you are right.we become tough to the people only whom we love we never care for the people whom we do not love.if your daughter is spending money unnecessarily then it is your right and duty to teach her a lesson.if it requires to become tough at some extent then i think its okay.but the more effective way is that you try to teach her some tactics and tips to save the money for the future.i found this site on money management hope this will help.
http://howtomanagemoneytips.com
please share your views after visiting this site.