I Cannot Understand Why My Brother Doesn't Help His Son
By Janey1966
@Janey1966 (24170)
Carlisle, England
June 12, 2011 5:53pm CST
I spoke to Mum on the telephone earlier and she seemed a bit down in the dumps, so I asked her what was up. She told me that she wasn't pleased with Danny (my brother) after speaking to Tom (Danny's son, her grandson) when he came for his Sunday Dinner.
He told her that he'd been in the local club on Saturday night and in there was a chap called Billy who Danny works with at weekends. Tom asked Billy "if there was any work on" and Billy was surprised he even mentioned this to him. When Tom asked why he was surprised he said, "Well, a few years ago, when you were about 16, I asked Danny many times if we could let you come on board and we could train you up in all the different tasks, ready for when you are older..but Danny had always refused and said that it would be a waste of time asking you as you wouldn't be interested."
This means that Tom has gone all this time (he's 21 and still out of work) not realising that his own Dad has said this to Billy. Obviously, he's a bit upset and told his Gran that he shall be "having words" with his Dad to try to find out why he said this.
The work would involve "blocking" driveways and constructing vehicle crossings, that type of thing. Danny has done this type of work since he was about 18, ironically and could pass on his valuable skills to Tom and Tom would also get paid for his trouble. I do realise that Danny is more interested in his mates than his own family BUT wouldn't you have thought that he'd want Tom to gain a skill and get paid for it, rather than languish at home and gaining weight dramatically because he eats when he's bored?
I can't get my head round it and Mum will have something to say to Danny if he doesn't help HIS OWN SON out very soon.
What's your take on this? My own feelings on it are that he doesn't want Tom "cramping his style" as he's known Billy for years..but why behave in a way that stops his own flesh and blood from doing something he really wants to learn? He can't go on courses because there aren't any, which is why he asked Billy about work in the first place. He was using his initiative, bless his heart.
This means that Tom has gone all this time (he's 21 and still out of work) not realising that his own Dad has said this to Billy. Obviously, he's a bit upset and told his Gran that he shall be "having words" with his Dad to try to find out why he said this.
The work would involve "blocking" driveways and constructing vehicle crossings, that type of thing. Danny has done this type of work since he was about 18, ironically and could pass on his valuable skills to Tom and Tom would also get paid for his trouble. I do realise that Danny is more interested in his mates than his own family BUT wouldn't you have thought that he'd want Tom to gain a skill and get paid for it, rather than languish at home and gaining weight dramatically because he eats when he's bored?
I can't get my head round it and Mum will have something to say to Danny if he doesn't help HIS OWN SON out very soon.
What's your take on this? My own feelings on it are that he doesn't want Tom "cramping his style" as he's known Billy for years..but why behave in a way that stops his own flesh and blood from doing something he really wants to learn? He can't go on courses because there aren't any, which is why he asked Billy about work in the first place. He was using his initiative, bless his heart.3 people like this
13 responses
@marapplestiffy (2182)
• Philippines
13 Jun 11
Ohh..why?? How could he do that...I don't understand people who put themselves first against their own children...
I would be heartbroken if I were in his shoes, and bewildered too, because I think your nephew might be thinking that his own father doesn't believe in his capabilities...and that hurts and stings...had a row like this with my father but it turned out that he was just concerned for my safety though...and I hope that your brother has a very good reason for doing this to your nephew...
@GardenGerty (157813)
• United States
13 Jun 11
That does seem to be a real stumper of a question. I hope that you all get to the bottom of this. It is good to have some kind of an income. Doing without a job gets really wearing.
1 person likes this
@Janey1966 (24170)
• Carlisle, England
13 Jun 11
Tom does sign on for benefits but he hates it. No doubt (because of his age) he's under pressure from the JobCentre to get a job..any job. I know he would love it if he got something, just so he could stick two fingers up at them lol. It doesn't help when his own Dad makes it harder for him.
The thing is, Danny had a spell of unemployment when he left school and was let down by certain people, so he knows what it's like. Tom is a good lad and is willing to learn. I'm hoping that Billy may have some influence on the outcome and I shall keep you posted on any developments.
@dawnald (85135)
• Shingle Springs, California
20 Jun 11
Weird, is it possible that he genuinely believed his son wouldn't be interested?
@Diamond13088 (34)
• United States
14 Jun 11
Hello Janey1966 :-)
It must be quite hurtful for a son to hear abut this missed opportunity that was passed away by his father. As a sibling, you would know your brother best but my hope is that being that his child was only 16 and living an emotional teenage phase, he assumed that he was genuinely not interested in the field. Sometimes people choose not to involve their children in certain careers because they want their children to do better than the parent. I would say, talk to your brother lovingly and calmly to simply ask why that decision was made without talking with his child to see if an interest was peaked. Stay Great and positive.
@Diamond13088 (34)
• United States
16 Jun 11
Hello Janey1966 :-)
I truly hope that this matter results in positivity and love. Stay great and positive.
@Janey1966 (24170)
• Carlisle, England
15 Jun 11
Hi Diamond13088! I asked Mum last night if she had words with Danny but she did not (she has enough on her plate regarding her own job) so she's leaving it for both him, Tom and Billy to sort out between them. If Mum becomes involved I don't think it would help matters as Tom did say he was going to have words with his Dad anyway.
I shall keep you all posted if there are further developments.
@frontvisions101 (16043)
• Philippines
13 Jun 11
He could have at least looked for another job if he doesn't trust the other guy at the bar. I mean, keeping your kid at home jobless is something a dad won't usually do. If I had an 18 year old kid, I'd kick him out of the house everyday to get a job. That's a stupid move what Danny did to his son, making him stay at home and do nothing (but eat? really?). He should at least make him sell stuff on eBay for an extra income.
@frontvisions101 (16043)
• Philippines
13 Jun 11
Oh, that's sad. I think kicking someone out of the house and telling him to get a job would work, it worked for me. I was sent to look for work last time because we really needed money for the bills. If that worked on me, a couch potato, I'm sure it'll work on my kid.
@changjiangzhibin89 (16553)
• China
13 Jun 11
At first hearing ,your Mum and your nephew ,Of course,should get angry at that.However I guess your brother knows his own mind.No way has he doted on his son and lets he live off his parents.Perhaps your brother looks down upon own business.He hopes his son will become a promising young man.And again, He likely knows very well what sort of person Billy is .
@Janey1966 (24170)
• Carlisle, England
13 Jun 11
The reason why Tom approached Billy is that he wants to learn a trade. Working behind a desk on a computer isn't what Tom is about and manual labour actually runs in my family as they're well-suited for that type of work. In fact, my Dad's "flagging" work in front of the Town Hall is still there, some 30 years after he'd put it there. No doubt Tom would be as good at the job as my Dad and brother were before him. He needs to be given a chance to prove himself, in my opinion.
1 person likes this
@Janey1966 (24170)
• Carlisle, England
13 Jun 11
If it were a mate of his he'd let him work with him; this is what Danny is like. He finds it difficult communicating with ANYONE in his family but will do anything for a friend in need, so to speak. Really, it should be the other way round.
I think Billy will probably have another word with Danny as Tom is a grand lad and Billy will see this in him and (hopefully) want to take him on, with or without his Dad's blessing!
@p1kef1sh (45681)
•
13 Jun 11
What a curious and sad tale Janey. I think that most parents want to help their children especially now that work is so hard to come by. It sounds to me like your brother displayed some immaturity there, perhaps because he is worried that Tom will prove to be a better worker. I hope that it is not too late - 21 is not old - and that Billy give him a try.
@Janey1966 (24170)
• Carlisle, England
13 Jun 11
It is sad isn't it and my Mum was on the verge of tears telling me all this on the telephone last night. Tom's Mum is about to move away to her home Town so you would think that Danny would take the opportunity to make amends for his drunken past (he doesn't drink now and hasn't done for some years) and help Tom out.
I do know Billy is a good person as he's stuck up for Danny at the Council when he had his drink problems. This bond is very strong so I'm hoping that Danny wouldn't become jealous of his own son, if indeed he was "allowed" to join them. The thing is, Tom is his own man anyway..he can make friends with anybody, he wouldn't want to come between their friendship and Danny should know this.
Billy definitely holds the cards on this one and I hope all three can come to some sort of arrangement. I reckon an ideal scenario would be for Tom to work with Billy during the week and Danny to work with Billy over weekends, as Danny works for the Council Mon - Friday anyway. I'm sure they could work something out between them.
Not for the first time me and Mum have felt like giving Danny a good shake lol.
Billy definitely holds the cards on this one and I hope all three can come to some sort of arrangement. I reckon an ideal scenario would be for Tom to work with Billy during the week and Danny to work with Billy over weekends, as Danny works for the Council Mon - Friday anyway. I'm sure they could work something out between them.
Not for the first time me and Mum have felt like giving Danny a good shake lol.
@Hatley (163781)
• Garden Grove, California
13 Jun 11
hi janey I can see why your momw as upset with Danny for not letting
his son get that training and had actually cut him off from getting that.I wonder why your brother did that? It so hard now days to be a male 21 and out of work as men equate self worth with jobs.Perhaps Tom can get his dad to open up about that blocking his own sons welfare like that.I hope your Mum does have a lot of words with danny for what he refused to do for his own son.Maybe he is as you said afraid tom would c ramp his style but thats so childish for a dad to be like that and in this day and this economy a job is a job now and not to be taken lightly.This is sure a puzzler as most days want to help their own sons.
@neededhope (1085)
• United States
12 Jun 11
IT could be that.. it's not that he's tryin to hurt his own son.. But maybe he enjoys the time away from his family at his work. Or it could be that he's afraid his son will end up taking his position and he'll be jobless. Since the company maybe wanting to replace him since he's getting older.. Well it could be a possiblity..
@Janey1966 (24170)
• Carlisle, England
13 Jun 11
My brother won't be jobless as he works for the Council during the week. The work he does at weekends is a back-up system, in case he ever gets made redundant from the Council. My Dad did the same thing so it would've been nice if another generation were to follow suit.
I am hoping that Billy will let Danny know about the conversation he's had with Tom, as Billy has helped my brother in the past; no doubt he wants to help Tom as well, seeing as he's unemployed and keen to learn a new trade.
1 person likes this
@Angelgirl16 (2171)
• United States
13 Jun 11
This is a very sad story about a father and son relationship. I really don't understand your brother's reasoning for not wanting to help his own son be successful, which is what a father usually would want. I can understand why your mum is highly upset with your brother. 
Tom, is of age now and he can make his own decisions about his future. I know that this news is very disturbing to him and even heartbreaking to know that his own dad has, for a while, known about work which could have given him training with pay and constant work.
I hope this situation will not permanently ruin their relationship, but if I were Tom I would have to know why my dad had such little confidence in me? Why he didn't feel that I could not do the job? Our future relationship would probably depends on his answers.
Tom, is of age now and he can make his own decisions about his future. I know that this news is very disturbing to him and even heartbreaking to know that his own dad has, for a while, known about work which could have given him training with pay and constant work.
I hope this situation will not permanently ruin their relationship, but if I were Tom I would have to know why my dad had such little confidence in me? Why he didn't feel that I could not do the job? Our future relationship would probably depends on his answers. @Janey1966 (24170)
• Carlisle, England
13 Jun 11
My brother did have problems with drink a few years ago and that may have clouded his judgement on what his son may or may not be capable of achieving. However, those hazy days are long gone and this is a good time for him to make amends for not being interested when Tom was growing up. This is the bit I cannot understand as he gave up the demon drink for his son's benefit anyway. This is like taking steps back instead of moving forward and isn't helping their relationship. Tom's mother is about to move back to her home Town so this is an ideal time for some much-needed father and son bonding to occur.
I am hoping that Billy may be the catalyst for something positive to happen. I reckon all three would benefit from having Tom on board because he's got such an upbeat, friendly personality, which is amazing considering his tough upbringing.
@Janey1966 (24170)
• Carlisle, England
13 Jun 11
Unfortunately, there aren't any jobs Tom can apply for and he really does want to learn what his Dad has learned over the years. Also, there is always a demand for the type of work that they do as it is a skill and skills are at a premium these days. I do know for a fact that working behind a desk would drive Tom mad as computers aren't his thing.
Thanks for your response though.
@hardworkinggurl (37063)
• United States
12 Jun 11
Seems heart breaking if he really wanted to work during the whole time. Maybe his father did not want him in this type of business hoping he could find something better. Maybe the father thought it would be way too much work for him.
Although, I am wondering with the years going by that may be he could have mentioned it to him. There could be many reasons why the father did not want him working there, but the least he could have done was ask since he knew his son needed a job.
Is it too late? Maybe after a chat with his father they can agree to allow him to give it a try? I hope so if it means he can work and or get out of the house some. I know if I was in his fathers position I would have certainly thought of my son right away for the job.
@Janey1966 (24170)
• Carlisle, England
13 Jun 11
My brother is a weird soul and we find it hard understanding his motives at times. I realise that he had had problems with drink in the past (my brother that is) but he doesn't NOW so he has no excuse but to give his son a try at what Danny is very good at..working outdoors. My Dad did the same work as my brother so it would be nice if the skills could be passed down another generation.
No doubt, by this time next week I shall have more clarity on what's been going on in my brother's head and - more importantly, if he's going to change his mind about letting Tom learn his trade.
1 person likes this
