My dad is through with my brother...

Philippines
June 13, 2011 7:49pm CST
I feel so , I don't like what my bro has done...wasting time and money by transferring courses...but my father was very harsh when my bro confessed to him that he has shifted to another course again this semester...he called him names, and I really feel bad...I know his a very unbending person, and he is so harsh but his words to my bro was off hand ...isn't he a father? and in part it's his fault because he wouldn't let my bro choose his own course, he wanted computer courses for him...he expects us to do what he wants ...now he is like I have done my duty by you, I'm done...are we just a duty to him? doesn't he love us? I know he grew up with no parent's affection because his uncle who was a priest raised him, and though he was raised with no cruelty, it wasn't a warm and affectionate environment...but I thought that when he lost my little brother that he has changed...I guess I'm wrong... He would never be able to take back the words he said to my brother, or the pain it has caused...and I don't think he even cares, sure, my bro is at fault...but the words he said were too hurtful...he said some of those to me too before, like I'm just a burden, but I'm a hard person like him it got to me a bit...my brother isn't a hard hearted person I'm not sure how he's dealing with it now... I don't know how to handle this, my mom was crying over the phone telling me what happened, he blames my mom for everything...and my father is coming home next month which on the 3rd is my mom's birthday...all I know is that it's going to be really awkward and chilly when he gets here...I'm like hoping he would not be here on her birthday, but I guess that would make my mom sadder... I'm so confused, hurt for my bro and mom...and I don't know this other emotions inside of me!!!
1 person likes this
12 responses
celticeagle
@celticeagle (159105)
• Boise, Idaho
14 Jun 11
Sometimes we just get to the end of our rope as parents. He is probably angry. Why it really matters I don't know. People change their courses several times. Losing one son and then having the other one going ascew is a scarey thing. Maybe your dad feels like he is free falling and has no control over things anymore. Maybe your dad is hurting too. Grief takes a while. Maybe someone he knows well and respects could talk to him. --??
celticeagle
@celticeagle (159105)
• Boise, Idaho
14 Jun 11
A man's ego and pride can really get in the way. Sounds like he is burning alot of bridges. Sometimes all we can do is them, be there for them and hope they come back around.
celticeagle
@celticeagle (159105)
• Boise, Idaho
14 Jun 11
Well, I am sure glad it worked out! Men can be so hard to deal with sometimes.
MarappleStiffy
@marapplestiffy (2182)
• Philippines
14 Jun 11
I guess so...got to thinking about that earlier, and knew that my father would never break his decision to avoid looking weak so I thought of a way where he could give in but not seem to lose his pride and it kinda worked!!!!
1 person likes this
shattered
@shattered (1728)
• Philippines
14 Jun 11
Its a sad situation. I am a parent myself, and a very firm one at that. I understand what you see and feel, but you also have to take look from the point of view of your father. Its not that you are just a duty, but he has done what he can, if you fail to mature the easy way then maybe its time for your brother to mature the hard way. You have to realize that part of being a parent is letting go of your children to help them mature and bale to live life by themselves. It can be done the easy way or the hard way. Maybe, your father now believes that the only way for your brother to grow up is for him to know how hard life really is. I'm sorry to hear about your little brother as well. But the loss of your little brother may have been one of the reasons for your father reaching the breaking point this time as well. I do believe your father loves your family, I still believe that everyone has good in them. Maybe the way your father delivered his message was not that good, but could it be the reason behind it is still that he loves your brother? Just tossing up my 2 cents.
MarappleStiffy
@marapplestiffy (2182)
• Philippines
14 Jun 11
I understand his emotions but it doesn't ease the pain of the words he said to my brother... I know he loves us in his way, but it always seem to be like we have to be what he want's us to be or else we are nothing to him...
shattered
@shattered (1728)
• Philippines
14 Jun 11
I know where you're coming from. Sticks and stone could break bones but a cut made from a sharp word cuts really deep and causes a lot of pain. We try to live out our lives under the roof of our parents until we are ready to live on our own, that is the rule of nature. But if you live under the roof of your dad you have to live by his rules. I know, I had to in my day. If you do not want to live by their rules, you better work hard to be independent and move out when you can for you to live your life. But chances are, when we are breaking their rules, we know we are not ready. We also know that they are right. But its how they make it known to us that really gets to us. I hope you are able to get over this incident soon.
MarappleStiffy
@marapplestiffy (2182)
• Philippines
14 Jun 11
yeah, your so right...it hurts more than the beatings he used to give... I abide by his rules, as do my sister...my brother tries but he just is so different from us...he doesn't rebel, he follows but he was really unhappy and the result was he failed his classes that he had to change his major...and my mom thought that maybe he needs to follow his dreams...sadly, papa thinks not...
1 person likes this
zandi458
@zandi458 (28102)
• Malaysia
14 Jun 11
You reminded me of my own upbringing with a father who ruled his children with iron fist. I was never close to my father as he has put a barrier that prevent us from having a loving relationship with him. I had both the feelings of fear and respect for him. But towards the end he mellowed down but it was too late to change the situation as I grow up not knowing him real well. It was painful to recall the moment of his final days lying in his deathbed no longer able to utter words which hit us like thunderbolt. Lying sick, fragile and helpless in his deathbed he was at the mercy of his children to care for him in his final days. The tyranny of my father shaped my life to be who I am today. Of course in the early days of growing up I despise his communist way of laying out rules of obedience. But today I am so grateful that I come out to be a strong and independent woman. I am grateful to have a disciplinarian father who have given me a strong foundation in life. Be grateful as you still have a father figure in your life as nobody will waste their time giving you all the worldly advises except from the love of a father who wants his children to be successful in life when he is no longer around. Harsh it may be words from his mouth but think deeply as every words that come out from a father's mouth are words of wisdom that will be your guiding force in this walk of life.
MarappleStiffy
@marapplestiffy (2182)
• Philippines
14 Jun 11
so you feel my pain huh? sigh...thanks for understanding Yes, I can take his harsh ways since I have the same attitude he has... But my brother really have emotional issues because of the way he raised us, he has a very soft heart, my sister and I seem to be okay, but he just seem to feel like he isn't worth anything since papa showed no appreciation for his culinary skills, nor his very artistic mind...
1 person likes this
SimpleBB
@SimpleBB (1329)
• Philippines
14 Jun 11
Hi marapplestiffy. I can feel you, actually. Most father is so difficult to deal with. They used to hold on their being a father. A responsible one, but their ways usually not appropriate. But to my observation, such fathers are those who really have difficult and a not so-good past. A very traumatic experience of maybe experienced such maltreatment from people around them. There are also some who doesn't want to feel the sufferings they had in the past. But I don't know, if ever what I have cited are the reason, of course, the emotional factor of being a father must also manifest in some situation. In your statement, probably he just want your brother to be more responsible thinking only about his future. But in some ways, you're right, that's so harsh. Probably the only thing you can do is to be always at your mom and brother's side, to support them and show them that you would be always there, show them your strength for them to inspire and encourage to be tough to survive the agony they're going through. If ever your father would not be enough atleast you can be there for them. Wishing you to find things in its lighter side and share your courage to your mom and brother. Take care. Happy mylotting.
MarappleStiffy
@marapplestiffy (2182)
• Philippines
14 Jun 11
He wasn't maltreated when he was young but he was not shown love either, his parents, my grandparents were separated and had different families he was the legal child since his parents were married but they didn't want him...so he was raised by my grandpa's cousin who was a priest since he was 10 yrs. old...and though he was treated fine, he wasn't treated with love either.... I understand why he is what he is.... but, it doesn't take the pain away though...
rebel_woman06
@SIMPLYD (90722)
• Philippines
14 Jun 11
Some fathers are like that. But they do love us very much. It's just that, he was hurt that after spending so much for your brother's schooling, he would tell him that he doesn't like the course. Well, that happened to me too. My father told me to get Accounting as my BA major, but i don't like it because i wasn't good at Math. When i took the Board exams i did not pass, but still he sent me for the second time. He said, it's his money he is spending so i don't have to worry. So, i failed again, and this time i told him that i will find work. So, i got work and from then on, i never heard any complaint from him anymore. But i know and i can feel he truly loves me. I can feel that specially now , that he is retired and older. Just bear with your father and continue your studies.
MarappleStiffy
@marapplestiffy (2182)
• Philippines
14 Jun 11
I'm actually done studying...and though I didn't have the same problems you did since I came to love teaching and passed the LET exams my first time to take it, still he was like study for the exams first...blah, blah, blah... He knows that my bro doesn't really love the course but he just thought that since I obeyed him and found the course he chose for me likable my bro would be the same....sadly, that is not the case...
sophiecheer
@sophiecheer (931)
• Philippines
14 Jun 11
That's a rather sad situation you are undergoing there. But for a moment, I think that your father inwardly love all of you. He might be showing it in a manner contradictory to his statements but I am sure he loved you. During times of overwhelming emotions, we sometimes say things that are much hurtful. But you must see beyond the words and focus on the intention of your father. He is trying to communicate the importance of "commitment" to education by instilling to your brother's mind about trying his best to pass the course. It is sad to know however that the course is not favorable for your brother. Try harder to let your father know about your brother's real desire, perhaps it is just plain shortsighted on his side to fail to see your brother's real passion. Just tell your father that things could be better if he allow your brother to choose his own career. Who knows, it might help. Hope you all get through this. Nothing is more depressing than having a family argument. God bless!
MarappleStiffy
@marapplestiffy (2182)
• Philippines
14 Jun 11
I know that he loves us...but he just is hard...I understand but I can't keep nor can my siblings from getting hurt with with his very hard way of dealing with us... I can talk to him, yes, but knowing him, that wouldn't help a bit!!! I'm so afraid right now of what he'll do to my brother...
sophiecheer
@sophiecheer (931)
• Philippines
15 Jun 11
Looking through your latest discussion, I know that things are rather doing well at your family now is okay. I may add up that you are rather intuitive on your way in dealing with the concern and for that... God bless.
TheRealDawn
@dawnald (85135)
• Shingle Springs, California
22 Jun 11
He cares, but he is letting his idea of what he wants for his son take precedence over what will make him happy. Sad, but a lot of parents are like that...
america220
@america220 (67)
• United States
14 Jun 11
Maybe it won't be that awkward. Maybe he will apologize. But I agree, he was being a bit harsh to your brother, but to blame your mom for everything? Where the hell did that come from? I'd be angry with him. Just protect your mom and keep her calm and strong.
kingparker
@kingparker (9673)
• United States
14 Jun 11
Sorry to hear that, but I think your father love you and your brother too. He probably care so much about your brother and he was mad at the moment, so he would say something hurtful. I hope that you can understand it. Nonetheless, he is your father, and he would do anything to protect your family and you too. Please do forgive him.
MarappleStiffy
@marapplestiffy (2182)
• Philippines
14 Jun 11
I do understand and it's not me who should forgive him but my bro and mom, still it hurts...
asliah
@asliah (11137)
• Philippines
24 Jul 11
hi, there are many parents out there who dont have any consideration with their child,because they want a course for their child but never like of their child,thats why the result is the child dont have any interest to the course they get because of their father wanted,so they transfer again to other course which tnhey really wanted,and this kind is a wasting of money and time for the parents and also to the child.
miadsoriano
@miadsoriano (884)
• Philippines
17 Jun 11
As a daughter, I feel your pain. As a new parent, I also understand your father's "disappointment". As a person, we are all human. My parents are the same way with me and my siblings. They are actually sweet people. But they too can be very hard at times. I've had my share of disappointments with them. They too, with me. There will always be disappointments in every and all kinds of relationships. And it is during these disappointing and heated moments when we all say the meanest of things. Things that we regret saying soon after we have uttered them. The thing is...I've learned when and when not to fight my battles when it concerns my parents. If I think that I can let the issue slide and that it won't really affect my life, then I just let it go. But if it's something I think will consume me unless I get it out of my system, then I tell them...as gently as I possibly can. The thing is again, not all families can openly and calmly "communicate" that way. Families argue with their hearts simply because they LOVE the person they're arguing with. When you love, you care. And because you care, you get disappointed easily. When you get disappointed, you tend to say things you don't really mean because you're objective is to "inflict pain" for the disappointment you felt. Remember that when you try to rule with your heart, you tend to get emotional than factual. I know my brain is kind of scattered. But I hope this helps and eases your pain in some way. I pray that everything works out in the end. Godspeed!
ashleyccms
@ashleyccms (17)
• United States
15 Jun 11
My brother switched his major and pretty much stopped college for awhile, but then picked it back up with online courses. It made my dad very angry. Him and my brother haven't been on good terms since then. My brothers original major had to do with computer sciences, which would have been good money I'm sure and he's really good with computers too. I think my brother is stupid for giving up on it, but it's not a reason to be angry. Then again my parents are the ones who payed for his college so