Did she overstep?
By carpenter5
@carpenter5 (6782)
United States
June 28, 2011 3:12am CST
I have a dilemna and I need to know what you guys think.
My youngest daughter Lauren is still living in Arkansas. She plans to move out here to Arizona at the end of the summer, just in time to start school at Arizona State University in August. Currently, she's working and living with my best friend and her family.
Last week, Lauren got a migraine headache. Two trips to the doctor and a new prescription for whatever reason, just didn't get rid of the headache. So her dr told her to go on into the emergency room and he would meet her there. My friend Angie, that she's living with has a 4 year old son, and her husband is a Paramedic. Anthony was working a 24 hour shift, and she didn't have anyone to leave Payton with. So I called another friend who agreed to meet Lauren at the hospital, stay with her and drive her home. I knew they were going to give her a shot and she wouldn't be able to drive. Of course with the migraine, she didn't feel like it anyway.
So Leah and her husband met Lauren at the hospital and stayed with her. Leah texted me several times giving me updates on what they were doing and the tests they were running etc. Now, I need to mention here that Lauren has dated Leah and Mark's son off and on for several years. He is two and a half years younger than she is but no one seems to have a problem with it....except his mother.
For whatever reason, she simply doesn't want the two of them to see each other. She tells me it's nothing against Lauren, she just doesn't feel like it's right. Well, Shane is 18 and Lauren just turned 21.(He's almost 19) and they're once again seeing each other. Evidently behind his mother's back.
Today, Lauren called me and she was so mad she was in tears. It seems that while they were in the ER last week, and Leah was keeping Lauren's phone, because she was zoned out from all the medications they'd given her for the headache, Leah went through and read all of Lauren's text messages. Including several lengthy conversations between she and Shane!
Yesterday, Leah confronted them about their relationship and has now taken Shane's phone away from him and forbidden Lauren from contacting him unless she or his dad can listen in on the conversation. Personally, I think this is way beyond extreme. Shane is 18, but as I told Lauren, he still lives in her house, so he has to obey her rules. BUT I have a huge problem with her reading Lauren's text messages!
She told Lauren that when she saw Shane's name on her text messages that she just felt like it was something that she needed to read. I am so angry about the whole thing. But I don't know how to go about it. Lauren is an adult, and I feel like she should probably handle the situation herself. But, at the same time, this woman is someone that I have been able to call a friend for many years, and I'm really hurt that she would invade my daughter's privacy like this.
What would you do if you were in my shoes? Should I confront her on this, or leave it alone and let Lauren and Shane handle it.!????
4 people like this
10 responses
@willwood123 (66)
• Australia
28 Jun 11
If you confront this, you may lose a very valuable friend. Not everyone would go and stay in the hospital with your daughter.
I don't agree with reading the text messages and then blowing up about it and confiscating his phone of all things. He is 18 years old for goodness sake.
If it was me and I read the messages I wouldn't let on that I had and try and subtly go around it as it could all blow up in her face.
IF they are meant to be and want to be together they will find a way no matter what she says about it. She will most likely just lose him in the end.
Do you confront her though? Depends on what type of person she is? Can you maybe wait and see if she brings it up? and then subtly make your segway in to it and give your thoughts?
Its always hard when its not face to face as she might blow up about it and you wont be able to do as much about it being so far away.
If its just happened now perhaps waiting a day or to about it and then make a phone call.
Good Luckx
4 people like this
@carpenter5 (6782)
• United States
12 Jul 11
After alot of prayer by myself and with my husband, I chose not to confront her. Though it was really hard when she called me to ask about when Lauren is leaving to come out here because they wanted to throw her a going away party. I wanted to blow up and ask her if she was going to ground Shane to his room while Lauren was at the house. Instead I just let it go. All you mylot friends would have been proud of my reserve! LOL
@paula27661 (15811)
• Australia
28 Jun 11
I would be as tempted as you are to confront your friend in regards to her invading you daughter’s privacy because it was not the right thing to do and I can see how it will affect how you feel about her because if I was in your position this incident would portray my friend in a different light. I don’t respect people who don’t respect others and this includes their privacy. I would let your daughter handle the situation herself and when the dust settles possibly have a chat with the friend.
3 people like this
@carpenter5 (6782)
• United States
12 Jul 11
Shane's brother is actually trying to smooth things over. He has done his best to try and talk to his mother about the situation and to let her know that Lauren is upset that she is trying to come between a friendship that they both feel like might lead to something else. I fear that Shane's relationship with his mother may be adversely effected by this, and I worry because if she kicks him out of the house, he has nowhere to go.
1 person likes this
@GardenGerty (157915)
• United States
29 Jun 11
I would first ask Lauren what she would feel comfortable with. I think Shane's mother will drive them together with forbidding the friendship/relationship. I would say your friend overstepped, and probably is not that good of a friend anymore. Shane is almost nineteen, but his mom probably does not see him as an adult. I would probably tell her just about the last sentence you said before you asked what we would do. I would let her know that you will miss her friendship, but your daughter is more important to you. By the way, my terrific son in law is three years younger than my daughter.
1 person likes this
@carpenter5 (6782)
• United States
12 Jul 11
My husband is younger than me, but only by 14 months. I just don't think the age difference is a big deal, but evidently his mother does. But Mike and I spent alot of time in prayer both separately and together. We talked to Shane and Lauren and told them that we just didn't feel like it was our place to step in unless we needed to. I think they can handle it. I also think that Shane will have enough one day and step up to his mom. I pray for that confrontation even now.
@kalav56 (11464)
• India
28 Jun 11
Hullo Carpenter ! How are you? It is quite a while since I responded to your discussion; today I happened to see your changed profile and peeped in into your Profile page and saw the topic.
Regarding the issue-- I cannot forgive the lady peeping in into another person's phone and checking messages. I would not do it with my own son's.THis is one thing. But, regarding the issue, if the mother has a view and the son is not too sure then there is no point in your daughter pursuing with it.THat is my feeling.
WHatever, happens, there is a lot of independence given to eighteen year olds in your culture. So, I would suggest you just leave this wothout confronting the friend.Now you know this side of the friend. So, you can behave accordingly regarding future confidences. But, she has been of great help in your time of need.See! you could count on her and ask her to go take care of your daughter at the hospital. SHe has taken a similar liberty. In life, transactions are never equal. SOmetimes , such things happen and we have to bear this if we need the relationship to be smooth as ever. Just leave it.THings would normally run their course and find a conclusion by natural means.YOu do not ask her anything about this.
2 people like this
@carpenter5 (6782)
• United States
12 Jul 11
I'm glad you decided to respond. I've been gone for awhile, not really having the time to devote as I should I need to try and do better.
As for this issue, we talked to our daughter and told her that we weren't going to step in. I'm really angry that she took liberties with my daughter's cell phone that I do not believe she had a right to. But we have been friends for so long and I hate to lose her.
@AmbiePam (86009)
• United States
28 Jun 11
I would let your daughter handle it, definitely. It's one of those things she really has to figure out herself. And I think it may be really important for her personal growth to learn how to handle it. It's difficult to be sure, but as an adult, we all have to navigate awkward and hurtful situations. I actually can relate somewhat to her situation as unlikely as it seems, and as much as I know my mom wanted to do something, she and my dad held back and let me handle it myself. And I know I'm better for it.
3 people like this
@carpenter5 (6782)
• United States
12 Jul 11
Mike and I are much stronger when we are able to work through things together rather than the times when we stuck back and asked our parents to handle things. We had to sometimes but many others they simply guided us instead of doing it for us. I worry that the two of them will do something crazy to spite Leah, and I don't want that. I think that may be a cutting off your nose to spite your face decision! Amd I've told lauren that...but she's 21 and doesn't always think things through despite my best efforts.
@donquack03 (131)
• Guam
29 Jun 11
I'd say confront her once only about it. Pray before you do so.
It is wrong.
It is better if Shane does the confronting though.
Because now you are getting into Lauren and Shane's business.
He is a man, regardless of the rule.
If their relationship is God-granted so be it, let God lead the way.
1 person likes this
@carpenter5 (6782)
• United States
12 Jul 11
I agree. My husband and I did pray about it...separately and together. We decided to talk to both of the kids about it and let them know that we were going to back off. Unless his mother and dad come to us, we are going to let the matter rest and let Shane and our daughter handle it as best they can.
@danishcanadian (28953)
• Canada
28 Jun 11
Definitely Confront her. She had no right to read your daughter's phone. It's bad enough she did it to her own kid, but someone else's? I'd be calling my attorney!
1 person likes this
@carpenter5 (6782)
• United States
12 Jul 11
My daughter and I talked for a long time the other night about this and we agreed that Mike and I are just going to let her handle it. She is determined to have a relationship with Shane...with or without his mother's consent. I hope it doesn't come to that because I know what it's like to not talk to your kids..even for a little while. The hurt is unbearable.
@ElicBxn (63252)
• United States
29 Jun 11
I do agree that she's probably overstepped her bounds, and because your daughter is leaving the state in a couple of months, I think she should just let this blow over - after all, she won't be able to do more than call or text him soon enough.
I think she's being WAY over protective of her son, if your daughter were 30 it might be different (that's what my roomie's nephew 18 now 19 yr old nephew has gotten involved with.)
I would leave it alone, I suspect that when Lauren comes to AZ it will become a lot less of an issue. I don't think its worth losing a long term friend over what a couple of youngsters (all be they adults now) are doing. Especially since you had NO control over your daughter because of the distance.
Let your friend have her snit, and let your daughter and her friend work it out WITHOUT escalating the hostilities.
1 person likes this
@carpenter5 (6782)
• United States
12 Jul 11
that's what we finally decided. My husband was FURIOUS when he found out. He said had he still been her pastor (Which he used to be) he could have confronted her in that aspect, but now he would just sound like an overprotective dad. That's one of the things that she's always critized ME about is coddling my kids. Now it seems like she was like the pot calling the kettle black as my grandmother used to say
1 person likes this
@carolscash (9492)
• United States
28 Jun 11
This is a very sensitive subject, but I would be tempted to talk to my friend about this. Her son is 18 years old and he should be standing up to the fact that she done these things as well. I personally, feel that she disrespected your daughter by going through her messages and I think that she is disrespecting you as well. If your daughter is not causing her son any problems, then there is no reason for them not to see each other if that is what they want as they are both adults.
I would contact her and ask her why she did not want Shane talking to Lauren? She must have a reason or she is very controlling and really doesn't need to be involved in her son's dating life.
1 person likes this
@carpenter5 (6782)
• United States
12 Jul 11
She is very controlling. That has been my biggest problem even in our friendship. She has always overstepped in many areas that I didn't feel like she had any right to. Our older children dated for awhile when they were younger, and both of them married other people...she was a huge reason in their breaking up. I'm not a perfect mother by any means, and I probably coddle my children in many ways where I shouldn't. But I don't read their cell phone messages, their mail or their email.
@Nadinest1 (2016)
• Canada
29 Jun 11
IMHO, don't get involved.....just stew over it like I would do. lol
Leave it up to the kids....Shane needs to grow a pair and tell his mother he is an adult and she can't take his phone...even if he is living in her house. Shane also needs to confront his mother about reading Lauren's texts....Lauren can confront her about it, but I think she is his mother....more will get accomplished if he talks to his mother.
This is where we want to help our children at any age....but they must live their own lives.
Good luck with everything...the sad thing is that you also lost a good friend for her being nosey.
1 person likes this
@carpenter5 (6782)
• United States
12 Jul 11
Unfortunately, this is the last straw in a long line of things that have deteriorated our relationship over the last year. Her attitude toward me when my husband resigned as her pastor really hurt because of some things she said in anger. (He resigned due to my health)
We have backed off and are letting the kids handle it. So far she hasn't contacted Lauren again....
