help me out of this guys!!!!!! please....

India
June 30, 2011 9:49am CST
Hello All This is my first post after a long time. Please help me guys..... I am very confused emotionally and in my relationship. Please suggest me what should i do? Here is what i am going through: I have got to an age that is considered perfect for marriage in my area and so my parents are pressing for my marriage. They know that I have a girlfriend, and they have met her too and her parents. Everything is fine and both the families are ready for the marriage. The confusion begins when I imagine my like after marriage, i feel that would i be able to take all the responsibilities of a marriage relationship. When I think about this i feel really afraid and dont know what to do. I love my gf a lot and dont want to loose her for anything. Another problem is that both of us are working in different cities and there is no scope for her specialization in my city and I am in a govt job that is considered very good, so my parents will not allow me to leave the job. I know how much she wants to work(because of some of her past circumstances), so i dont want her to leave her job and find a job in my city. I feel very tense of the thought that if i ask her to resign from her current job. what if she does not get a good job in my city? She will loose her confidence if she did not get a job here. Also my salary here is a bit less than enough to make our both ends meet. If i think that we should wait for an year or two, that is also not an option as she is getting past the best age for marriage and her parents does not want to wait long for her marriage now. But i dont want to loose her........ I really dont know how to solve this and i am really into a mess.... please help me guys.... thanks
5 people like this
17 responses
• Philippines
30 Jun 11
I understand how you feel but I know where your confusions is coming from, it's not because you are scared of your responsibility after marriage but it's because of the pressure you are getting from your families. Talk to your girlfriend and tell her how you feel but make it a point that it will not make you look like you are not yet ready to settle down with her. Before pushing through, both of you will need to decide and plan for the best. If you think you she cannot give up her work then you will be the one to give up your job just to be together after marriage. Think of all possibilities, it's better to be prepared. But if none of you could not give up your current job then think deeply if you could go on being far apart even after marriage. Settling down is not easy since you will need to begin from scratch but it is part of it. Give up one thing and pray that a better opportunity will soon replace it but make sure to be super wise with all your decisions and no one will make it right but just the two of you. Try to consider the pieces of advice from your parents but at the end of the day, the final decision will all be coming from both of you. Courage and support for one another is the best that you will need to make things work. I believe in you and I know you will soon figure things put before your marriage. Good luck.
• Valdosta, Georgia
30 Jun 11
I'm not sure I understand the whole best age for marriage thing. Is that something religious or in your place of dwelling? I don't think any age is the best age. I believe when you both feel ready and everything seems to fall into place with that person then your ready for marriage. I think you should wait until you are both completely ready. Others should not dictate your life and your marriage. If your not ready then don't do it yet. Work and things like that they will work out. But if in your heart you do not feel ready then your not! Be strong and don't let her go. Even if you have to wait a while, I wouldn't let go of your love for each other. I hope everything works out for both of you! =)
@kalav56 (11464)
• India
30 Jun 11
You are in a government job and if you are happy in it, I feel you have no option as far as your job is concerned.So, your job, however much it fetches you is in tact. THta question is settled. COming to this girl friend, first of all, talk to her. Tell her that you are not in a position to leave your job and see what she says.Is she willing to compromise and come to your place to get another job? Why are you thinking on her behalf? WHat has she said? What is this "not being able to make ends meet"? If it is a question of being unable to maintain basic needs it is cause for concern.If it is just case of high expectations , then you would have to make a rational choice. TOne down your monetary expectations and opt for togetherness or wait to save up and take life as it comes.
2 people like this
@carmelanirel (20942)
• United States
30 Jun 11
I read in the first box that your girlfriend is also confused, so I suggest that until you both are comfortable and clear on what you want, just continue the way you are..I don't know what your age is, but truthfully, it's better to wait than to rush in and have regrets later..
@kiran8 (15348)
• Mangalore, India
30 Jun 11
Hi ashish,I feel that you should carefully consider all the options before rushing into a marriage with your girlfriend.There is no such a thing as the best age for marriage, it depends solely on the two people who are entering into it.If your girl friend s unable to move into your town, why don't you move into hers ? Is there no way you can get a transfer or something? I think it is unfair to put pressure only on her to give up her job - it works both ways.Marriage by the way is a major step and unless you are fully prepared and mature enough to take the responsibilities it is better not to enter into it. Ideally you both should discuss the matter thoroughly and then only come to any decision...
@kiran8 (15348)
• Mangalore, India
30 Jun 11
Setting up a a home from scratch is what new life is all about, that shouldn't bother you, in fact you should look forward to it...If you want to start a new life and also be together you have to look at all the options . When one is in love and wants to settle down in life every single option should be considered...
• India
30 Jun 11
i have discussed the option of transfers in jobs, There is an option that i get a transfer to a third city(there is no scope of my transfer to her city) where she has a good scope of getting a good job. But that too comes with a tradeoff that we'll have to set up everything from scratch...
• India
30 Jun 11
and also for the transfers to the third city she fears that how long can it take to find a new job....
• Denmark
30 Jun 11
They say that love conquers all. If you really love her make things possible then. But maybe I am saying these things because I'm not in your shoes. Why not tell all your concerns to her and seek for her opinion. Try to be open, maybe she felt the same way either. Anyway, the heart never grows old. Don't rush because they are pressuring you. Marriage is a very serious thing and a big responsibility. Why not go into it when everything is stable and you are emotionally ready too? Everything can wait. It's just a matter of perfect timing. Cheers!
• India
30 Jun 11
she knows everything, i have discussed everything with her already. she is also confused. both of us want to wait but our families are not willing to wait as in our region a certain age is considered perfect for marriage and after that people think of the unmarried in the wrong way thats why our families fear of our age...
1 person likes this
• Philippines
30 Jun 11
If both of you are confuse then why not try to settle things on your own without your parents pressuring you. I am not telling you not to listen to them but it is better to listen to your feelings first.
@lingli_78 (12822)
• Australia
1 Jul 11
i'm sorry to hear what you have to gone through... have you try discussing this with your gf and seek her opinion with regards to this matter??? i believe that love will conquer all things and as long as both of you stay together, i believe that you will be able to work something out... i had gone through what you experience before so i believe that nothing is impossible as long as both of you stay strong and committed together... take care and have a nice day...
@LittleMel (8743)
• Canada
8 Jul 11
like some people have said on here there is no 'best' age for marriage but then again some things you can only find out by doing it why don't you keep both jobs, but look for a house somewhat in the middle of both locations that way nobody needs to sacrifice job
@dawnald (85129)
• Shingle Springs, California
6 Jul 11
It sounds like you have your head on straight. One more year does not make a woman any less marriageable. And you have to take both her needs and yours into consideration. I think you should both stand firm with your families, and tell them that you are going to get married, just not yet. Good luck.
@ebuscat (5935)
• Philippines
1 Jul 11
For me just to said that in your spouse if they not go for it in the married life the man is the one who to decide the woman is to follow along with you if she not go what you said then she is not got in love in you and that's the big no that you relationship would good because she not subject you.
@jagjit273 (1754)
• India
1 Jul 11
If you want to get married get married ,dont think of anything else
• Canada
7 Jul 11
I feel like all of your problems are coming from your parents unreasonable pressure that you worry about what "everyone else thinks." Why are your parents so worried about this age thing? If their friends poke their noses into your business, your parents can simply say "they are betrothed but their job situation does not allow a marriage right now." Take your parents' pressure out of the equation and you and your gf are not confused at all. You both know what you want, and what's more, you both want the same thing! Perfect! So do what you know is right for you. If others think you are less of a person for not being married at the "right" age, that is their problem, not yours.
@SIMPLYD (90727)
• Philippines
1 Jul 11
I think you have some trepidations because of your job situations. Given the chance that you are both in your city working, there wouldn't be any hesitation on your part to go for the marriage at the soonest. Hence, it is necessary that you talk to your girlfriend about it. Tell her your concern. You can get married and your girl could still work at at her work meanwhile looking for a job in your city. I know, she will understand your concern for the situation, so i am sure she will do what you will request her to do. Cheer up.
1 Jul 11
hey friend, off course, you are in difficult and decisive situation but believe me you are still much more lucky than thousands others who are bound to breathe every movement of their life in deep grief of loss and misfortune in terms of true love.Accordingly me, you should do one thing.First, be confirm that is also in true love with u and then blindly hold her hand for ever.Because earning a true love for ever is an asset nonparallel.Best of luck.
@savypat (20216)
• United States
30 Jun 11
Can you get married now and sill live in the same way you do now? You could get together as often as you do now, just postpone setting up house together. I know many families where the home is in one city and the husband or wife work in another country under a year or two year contract. Could you tow do something like that, only it would be easier because you are just in different cities? Can this be worked out?
• United States
1 Jul 11
Hi ashishp Welcome back and sorry you are under these circumstances. I see from the responses and comments that you really do love one another. I am wondering if both of you can sit with both sets of parents and explain that each one loves one another and do want this to work but explaining the reasoning behind waiting. Surely her parents would understand that rushing would not be advisable. I am not sure if they will listen to both of your reasoning but it is worth a try. They have to love you enough to see your responsible reasoning. I do wish you a world of blessings and hope you are not pressured right now. Please update us and will be hoping all goes well.
• China
1 Jul 11
hello ashi, u want to get married cause the age and ur parents, and u want to wait cause there's no jobs suit for u and GF in a same area, right? So if u wait for one year or three year can u find suitable jobs? Maybe u have to give up ur jobs both. So why not solve this problem today not evade? I gave up my job in a big city and came to be with my fiance in a small city which it's hard to find a good job as ex-job. But i did, and gain my love and hubby. There must be a person who gives up something to touch his real love. That's called sacrifice. Waiting for ur good news.