I have a problem and need some advice...
By ElicBxn
@ElicBxn (63252)
United States
July 20, 2011 10:15pm CST
My brother is an idiot - I've known that for years, he's not THE problem, but he's the CAUSE of the problem...
You see, since he came back to Austin he's pretty much only had this one girlfriend that we've known about.
We, meaning the rest of the family, (all females) like her a lot.
Then, last year he started seeing another gal.
Now, she's tough, opinionated and a tad abrasive...
The former girlfriend is sweet, kind, caring. Even after she learned my brother was seeing this other gal, she still wanted to see mom.
I told her, on Facebook chat, that she was welcome, that Mom didn't remember who she was with, so if she went in and told her "Hi, I'm ____, I'm 'Elic's'* friend," Mom wouldn't care, she'd just be happy to see someone.
*I actually told her my sister's name not mine.
She went every weekend to see Mom, and took her grandchildren sometimes.
She took pictures and shared them with my sister and me, Mom really seemed to enjoy seeing her grandchildren.
Flash forward to Christmas and everyone thinks its over with the new gal and he's back with the former girlfriend...
Except, in June he "buttdialed" girlfriend #1 while he was with girlfriend #2...
Needless to say, girlfriend #1 was really angry and has totally quit of him.
This leaves his daughter, my niece, in kind of a problem, because she really likes girlfriend #1 and pretty much can't stand girlfriend #2.
My sister is also very fond of girlfriend #1, and besides, she's way off in eastern Tennessee, and probably won't get back to Texas until Thanksgiving...
So, the other day girlfriend #2 contacts ME on Facebook. After some chatting she asked if there was any way to get my niece to like her...
So, I suspect that she thinks that I might be on her side.
I told her that my brother and I really don't get along and I think he's an idiot - yes, I said that, but not just about this - after all, one time he went back to Ft Collins, CO, where he had lived for a few years and hooked up with his former girlfriend there, and that upset girlfriend #1 too.
I think girlfriend #2 kind of doesn't like being the cause of a lot of problems, she told me she really didn't like melodrama in her private life, she gets plenty in her work - she's a police officer... She told me that she told my bro that she's going to see other guys until he can make up his mind - but that she's crazy about him, and really doesn't understand why...
Don't ask me, I think my bro is an idiot - remember?
So, I really like girlfriend #1, but I've really like all his previous girlfriends since he ditched his ex - NONE of us liked her, not even DAD!
Okay, her daughter likes her, but you kind of have to expect THAT!
Anyway... I really don't want to act as in intermediary to make peace with the rest of the family with girlfriend #2.
I think she hopes I will do it, but... that's not really something I'm any good at... I can give good advice all day, but I can eff up anything pretty quick myself.
Am I doing the right thing just to be nice to her without trying to mend fences with the rest of the family?
I figure that either my brother will stay with her or move on at this point since girlfriend #1 really fed up with him and doesn't want anything else to do with him.
I'd really like to talk to my sister, but she's so busy, and I can't post on Facebook, for obvious reasons...
I did, however, connect my family life with my fannish life when I connected a writer friend with girlfriend #2 to "beta" read her new novel - she was looking for a person of the police persuasion to read it... I have NEVER done that before!
Help!!! I really am feeling torn by this problem, because I like my brother's girlfriends, all of them, a WHOLE lot more than I like my brother!
7 people like this
23 responses
@Hatley (163781)
• Garden Grove, California
21 Jul 11
wow lost my whole response. copy p aste grrrrrrrrrrrrrr. ElicBxn I would be honest witn the policewoman girl friend and tell her your limitations in trying to be a peacemaker in y our family . Maybe she can do this for herself with just a few words of encouragement.Your brother sounds very fickle as he cannot decide who m he likes or loves of all the girl friends. he will be lucky if the girlfriends do not gang up on him. lol lol lol.Gosh maybe your brother is an
' idiot oh I am just teasing really. as I do not know your brother. lol.
@ElicBxn (63252)
• United States
22 Jul 11
he's an idiot...
apparently he was seeing this gal, telling her that he liked #1 but still seeing her, and then he was seeing #2 all spring without letting anyone know he was seeing her until he did is "butt dial" this summer...
I really think #1 is taking herself out of the picture, but that's not going to change the way the others feel about her
when my niece came down from CO, she was about the only person she knew besides her dad, because she barely knows me, because of the cats she's never come over
@sid556 (30960)
• United States
21 Jul 11
I got really confused reading all of this. Bottom line is that I would not get involved in my brother's personal love life regardless of how I felt about him or his girlfriend. My brothers have had girlfriends that I don't really care for and others that I really like a lot. I just get along with them and stay out of their personal issues. As for helping this girl get your neice to like her...you can't force a person to like another person. It's up to her to act in ways that others either like her or don't like her. I would tell her that you don't want to get in the middle of these things.
2 people like this
@ElicBxn (63252)
• United States
21 Jul 11
well, I pretty much am of the opinion that you can't make someone like you - and I pretty much expressed that to her... but the ONLY girl friend my bro had that we never (and I mean the rest of the family here - not counting his daughter) was the one he married! before he even married her, she alienated the rest of us...
1 person likes this
@dragon54u (31636)
• United States
21 Jul 11
Stay out of it!! No matter what you do and what the results are, someone is going to be ticked off at you if you take any kind of an active role. Be nice to everyone but don't voice any opinions. I have known people that tried to keep peace in such a situation and someone is always mad at them.
2 people like this
@RJlady1 (144)
• United States
21 Jul 11
As family members, I don't think it's our business to be an intermediary in any way. You can't get one person to like another, and in fact if you are perceived as pushy you might end up being resented yourself.
I would say let people handle their own interpersonal relationships.
2 people like this
@Garythedevilboy99 (31)
•
21 Jul 11
If i were him, i would have not even thought about any girl instead of the first one, but know i shall say that he should choose any one but he should not play with one's emotions.
@KrauseHome (36448)
• United States
28 Jul 11
Personally I can see why this would be a hard thing to have to deal with, and personally I cannot imagine having to go thru something like this. My brother is one who has been with some STRANGE women in the past and one all of us HATED. When my brother moved to IL with her, we were shocked. He took his daughter and they were living with my Step Dad. For some reason my brother must have forgot about being abused growing up with him. (It is his real Dad.)
But what took the cake was when my neice was sexually abused, or touched by my Step Dad and the State of IL refused to press charges without proof. But at the same time contacted all of us kids to see what we would say about my Step Dad. My brother still stuck with this woman until finally he left her in IL and moved back to WA state. He is now back with an Ex Sister in Law of mine, or one of his Ex wifes last I knew and we really like her.
But sometimes I think when there are problems with your Brother all you can do is Pray for them, Love them and hope one day they will wake up and do something to help themselves for the best.
1 person likes this
@SViswan (12051)
• India
21 Jul 11
Hmmm...hard situation. I don't know what to say. If it was your brother asking you to do it for him, you could tell him that you think he's an idiot and that you wouldn't do anything for him. But you like this girlfriend (though you like girlfriend#1 better). Maybe you should just tell her straight that it's not her but your brother and you want to stay away from this melodrama too. It's too stressful for you to talk to everyone for HIM.
2 people like this
@GardenGerty (157873)
• United States
21 Jul 11
Keep being nice to all of them, but do not try to be the intermediary. If #2 is really nice deep down, then she will win them over on her own. You do not need a lot of drama in your life either. What scares me is I know a single youngish lady who is of the law enforcement persuasion in your neck of the woods. It would be a hilarious coincidence if she was the one.
1 person likes this
@GardenGerty (157873)
• United States
21 Jul 11
Nope, this one would be in her late forties. She is the little sister of a friend of mine. Also wrong county. I am glad my brother quit being an idiot about twenty six years ago, he is much nicer this way.
@danishcanadian (28953)
• Canada
31 Jul 11
Don't let them drag you into the middle of their opinions, sides, and arguments. Just like who you want to like, see who you want to see, friend who you want to driend, and don't get involved in any of the politics of other people's relationships.
1 person likes this
@MsTickle (25180)
• Australia
24 Jul 11
My brother is a moron. He's also quite obnoxious and if I'm going to be totally honest, he's an effing idiot as well. He's married and I don't think much of his wife either.
There's not much I can do about it except try not to cringe or gag when I'm in his presence.
Have you considered a voodoo doll?
I sortta knew that, just wanted to make sure you knew wasn't really hating my bro, just annoyed with him@ElicBxn (63252)
• United States
24 Jul 11
Well, that IS against my religion... and while my brother is an idiot, I like him a lot more than I liked the gal he actually married, I'm glad they aren't any more - but of course, she IS the mother of my niece, so I can't be too rude about her around either my bro or is daughter.
@moondancer (7433)
• United States
21 Jul 11
The way I see it is you have given some advice and usually if you stick your neck out and go any further then things can go wrong...not for them so much as for you. Oh yes it might go bad for them and they might blame you for what you did with so and so to fix this or that. You know what I mean?
I think if you just remain a friend with the girls and just offer what little advice you can remaining mutual with them is the best thing you can do.
The decision on who he will be with is his and unfortunately he will be with maybe the one you or the family doesn't want him with. But he is the one that has to live with, or deal with his decision and the consequencies.
I'd just be a friend when I can and let that be that. As for his daughter, it will work out somehow. The same thing as with your brother...he will be with who he chooses and his daughter will be with that one as well. But there is no rule that says she can not still be friends with the ex-girl friends of her father.
1 person likes this
@moondancer (7433)
• United States
21 Jul 11
I hope they don't talk to each other...
1 person likes this
@hardworkinggurl (37063)
• United States
21 Jul 11
Ouch sounds like you are in the middle of what is right but not accepted by your brother. Kind of hard to advise when he is the one who ultimately will be making the choices. I would say that you can be caring and friendly towards them both but remind them that his actions speak for themselves.
It is hard to really advise as girlfriend 1 sounds like the perfect one but then if he were to get back together and with anything perhaps that you might help with and if he ruins it again you will be caught in the middle.
I would say that you can advise them both to do what is right for them, and that though you can speak for him, you care about them both. This way if either one in the long run get hurt by him, you really had no doing in getting him together with either one he may hurt in the long run. Kind of confusing, I can see how this is stressing for you.
1 person likes this
@hardworkinggurl (37063)
• United States
21 Jul 11
I would suggest as GG below to simply be nice to both and whatever decision he makes of course it is up to him. So basically like being an ear but not really advising and this way your sister won't feel like you are siding.
1 person likes this
@apples99 (6556)
• United States
21 Jul 11
I suggest that you discuss your feelings, with your brothers ex girlfriend, and put everything out in the open and just explain things to her
Tell her that you've grown to care about her as a friend and that you wish to remain friends but you are now in a awkward spot also tell her that you do not want to alienate anyone involved, maybe this ex will understand and either move on or she will find a way to reconfigure the friendship to suite all parties involved, you said shes a kind well mannered person then maybe she will be understanding and be willing to deal with things differently just something to consider.
1 person likes this
@Bannybanzie (1397)
• Philippines
21 Jul 11
Well.. I was not able to read the whole thing but I see your point. I think you should talk to your brother calmly and try to make him think. LIke who would he choose? WHo would he want to spend his life with? Is he sure that's the kind of girl he wants? And your brother's girlfriend should try to at least please your family since she might be his wife some day.. so it'll be better to go well with the rest of the family, right?
My dad's family did not really like my mom not because she's a bad girl but because of her religion.. 
But she did try to please them and now they like her..
So.. I don't know.. Just.. just let it go and see what happens? Talk to your brother.. and see what happens.
But she did try to please them and now they like her..
So.. I don't know.. Just.. just let it go and see what happens? Talk to your brother.. and see what happens.2 people like this
@ElicBxn (63252)
• United States
21 Jul 11
problem is that he's not planning to settle down with either of them, I think he's just as happy if he never married again... and I think #1 wanted to go that way - probably what scared him off
and talking to my brother is an ordeal at the best of times, that's why my sister was in charge of things regarding our mom...
1 person likes this
@ElicBxn (63252)
• United States
22 Jul 11
I've told her that: "I really don't get too involved any more with *my brother's "musical girlfriends" "
and that:
"I just don't have enough time to spend not being with my friends, and I just don't bother making friends out side of fandom anymore"
So, I'm not making peace, I'm just stating how I feel about things...
1 person likes this
@bellis716 (4799)
• United States
22 Jul 11
My mother told me more than once, "If you can't say something good about someone, don't say anything at all." Does girlfriend #2 have any good qualities other than being an officer of the law? Don't praise her, if she's not praiseworthy. Just don't say anything. I'm breaking my own rule and agreeing with you that your brother is an idiot.
1 person likes this
@paula27661 (15811)
• Australia
21 Jul 11
I think that you have the right to choose your own friends regardless of who they are or where they come from and if you enjoy both of these ladies’ company why not have a good friendship with both of them and leave your brother and his situation out of it? Having said that I am not so sure spending time with them both at the same time would be a very good idea!
1 person likes this
@ElicBxn (63252)
• United States
21 Jul 11
I'm honestly not too sure about being good friends with either, because they really aren't the kind of friends I have - and besides, they live so far away - #1 in deep south Austin and #2 even FURTHER south! Austin is only like 10 miles east/west but more like 30-40 north/south and #2 lives on beyond in the NEXT county while I live within a few miles of the county north of us!
or figure it this way - a block is generally 1/10th of a mile and I live at 9900 block north of the river and #1 lives about 7500 block south, that's nearly 20 miles at the least, and I'm not sure about that 7500... might be more...
1 person likes this
@JenInTN (27514)
• United States
23 Jul 11
I think that as long as everything is kept in the open..you'll be ok. I would just be very frank about the fact you like all the girlfriends and that you aren't liking your brother and his choices. It sounds like the girlfriends will understand perfectly where you are coming from. That way they know too that your influence is not going to help or hurt them where he is concerned. I think the hardest thing is to have good people come in and out of your life...at no control of your own too.
I think that being friendly with them both keeps options open all the way around. I don't think the girls will blame each other..especially not if you are neutral and don't get in to any conversations that warrent you giving a negative opinion about the other.
Good luck on this one...it's a tough one for sure.
1 person likes this
@cerebellum (3863)
• United States
21 Jul 11
My brother is an idiot also. When he was going to be married, I asked the girl "WHY"? She said she thought he'd change. He did, he got worse. They are divorced now, but I am still friendly with her. Anyway back to your problem. I think you should try to stay out of it as much as you can. Explain that it isn't anything to do with them and that you like them both. Tell both girls the truth about how you see him, and tell them you want to stay out of it. It is his decision to make, and he may choose someone new. As long as you have been honest with them, you really can't be blamed for anything.
@Jacksheng888 (6)
• China
21 Jul 11
I'm sorry to say that your brother doesn't concentrate himself on a feeling.If you really like or love this girl,just go head to date with her.You also can talk with your brother about this problem. After all,you are kind to the girl. Come on,take good care of the girl.But I want to know if the girl also loves you.
1 person likes this
