I am beside myself.
By celticeagle
@celticeagle (189838)
Boise, Idaho
July 23, 2011 10:39pm CST
I have been my daughter's advocate all her life. She was born with the umbilical cord wrapped around her neck several times. There was enough oxygen loss to have caused some brain damage. To look at Camilla you wouldn't know she has a learning disability or that there was anything wrong with her. Unless you are around her and witness her behavior. Infact my grandson's PSR worker who has been seeing him for several years now told me recently she didn't see the problem initially until she had been around her for a period of time. So, I am her ambassador as it were. I wrench my way into any new situation my daughter is embarking on like a counselor's or anyone new in the mix. I make sure they know Cami has some limitations.
Friday she and I had a confrontation. I was trying to remind her that my grandson needs to be on somewhat of a schedule and that if he has breakfast, lunch and dinner at given times he isn't so apt to be bugging her for food ALL THE TIME as she griped that he does. She got nasty, we had words and she is gone for the week-end.
She is also bi-polar and when she is in her manic phase she like a irresponsible teen ager. It is as if she has these goggles on and all she can see is what she wants. And her narcississtic tendencies come out full bore. And my grandson falls to the back of her list of things she needs to do and care for.
Last Summer 2010 things got so bad in one of her worst manic phases to date that my granddaughter and I had to move out of the apartment we had all been sharing. She was going to go and live with her boyfriend. It was hard to find a place we could afford but we did. Alittle one bedroom. My granddaughter slept in the living room and me in the bedroom. My granddaughter met some friends and she was off to her life. I stayed there.
My daughter came out of her manic phase and was and into her depressed phase again. Now she and my grandson had gone all summer long without their meds and my grandson was horrible. My daughter started begging me to come back to the old apartment we had shared. She had been able to go back there after leaving it all summer and the Housing people let her live there.
I did go back. I committed to helping her with my grandson. But, when she has these bouts of manic it takes so much out of me. I am so sick. Shaking, crying, diahrea, can't sleep, weakness, full body pain, can't think, etc. It is horrible. I know that in afew days things will be back to normal again. I wonder though how much help I am to my grandson and to her. The PSR worker told me today that she feels I make it much better for my grandson so that helped. That I add some normalcy to his life.
What is a person to do? It hurts my heart. Each time like this is so hard on me I just can't barely make it through to the other side. I can't see my counselor right now because my car isn't working and I can't afford a taxi. I can't go on the bus. I am so weak at times like this and so emotional. I have to keep my eye on what is important here and I am trying very hard but it is all so hurtful to me. She doesn't see it or care. I do it for him and in the hopes that he can grow up and have a normal life. I sure hope so. He is my gem in a world of rocks and gravel.
Thanks for listening. Your thoughts.
1 person likes this
9 responses
@QeeGood (1213)
• Sweden
24 Jul 11
I do hope you can give yourself time to take care of yourself. I've had my hardship of years with a disabled son, autism and retarded development, who still have his out burst, and self distructive behaviours. He can only say a few words. He needs 24 h 7 days care. he is now 21 years old. For the past 5 years he has been at a boarding school. I'm his trustee and standing up for his rights.
I have post traumatic stress depression after a marriage with a man who was abusive and domestic violent and much more things. I have suffered the aftermath of 10 years of total exhaustions ( burnt out)
I 've had sleeping disorder etc. Last year I begun to be able to sleep. i've done Tai Chi and Qigong exercises for making my body to recover from tiredness. it has worked out well.
Walking is also good. I've lost 10 years of my life to on my own try to recover from all I put my body through. Unhealthy stress. I'm limited with a physical capacity of 60 %.
I feel my body is slowly recovering... so there is hope to regain strength on the terms of my body's ability to build up again.
I'm writing this just to give you hope that there are hope to build up your body and your life again.
2 people like this
@celticeagle (189838)
• Boise, Idaho
24 Jul 11
Hello there and thank you so much for taking the time to respond to my post. I have most of what you have mentioned from the abusive(although not physical) marriage to stress on my body, sleep disorder, etc. I think my physical capacity is about 40%. Very weak. These bouts with my daughter just really take it out of me. It is good to hear that you are recovering. Having an autistic child must be awful at times. I have given up. I don't exercise, I stay in my room with no sunshine for days. I have a Vitamin D deficiency because of it. Pretty pathetic and I just don't care anymore. All I do care about is my grandson and being online Haha? I am working with a counselor to try to get me back to caring again. It is a slow trek up one step and back three sort of thing. I have a Tai Chi VHS tape with David Carridine doing it. I might have to listen to that. Thank you for your words of hope. I am going to send you a friends request and if you like we can stay in touch. Thank you again.
@QeeGood (1213)
• Sweden
25 Jul 11
I've noticed with myself, that to go on to youtube and watch funny videos to make me laugh heartily is also good. It brings good emotional feelings in your being. I would recommend you go there at least twice a day. Watch at least five funny videos that really make you laugh. Search videos that really make YOU laugh.
I've been so exhausted that I started up doing my physical exercises laying in bed. Before I could lay on the floor with out feeling dizzy. What is needed is patience. Write down every thing you do in a diary. Do an evaluation once every week to discover the little progress you do. Value it like priceless. It gives you motivation.
As a proof of improvement. It took me 4 years to walk 4km feeling well. I've struggled with dizziness and shivering in my whole being of tiredness. fresh tomatoes are good when you are tired.There is a substance in the tomatoes helping the body to regain strength.
I took 5-10 min walks regularly. I did TaiChi and Qigong.
I did like 3 circle movement with arms my legs for two times a week, then I tried 5 circle movements and did that during two weeks. Pilates exercises laying on the floor is the best.
And do indoor walking you stand on the same spot and walk 10 steps in a slow pace, then alternating it with 5 steps a bit faster, then 10 slow steps. Do it for 1 minute then rest. As you feel more strength you can increase the steps fast and slow.
There are days when I think of giving up. But then I think of that I should keep trying to make some of my dreams to become true.
Think of something you wanted to do all through your life. Something whach was or can be important for you again to become true. set up it as a goals.
My life long goal is to go to Scotland to enjoy the piping festival. I am working on my health to be able to manage the travel and to enjoy the visit. As I easily get tired I need to plan days when I can have my rest. But it is still doable when I am stronger in my body.
Have a very good healthy laugh, several of them. Find a video and laugh! It will give you the will of living a good life for yourself and all your loved ones!
@moondancer (7431)
• United States
24 Jul 11
We do the best we can do for our children and our grandchildren and that's all we can do. Our children do have minds of their own and being that they are of legal age to do as they wish makes it hard when they have these medical issues.
It's hard for us too when we have done for them all of their lives and to just stop, well that is just not possible for us.
We love our children and then our grandchildren too. We are there for them the best we can be.
I am at times at conflict with myself that I should leave them be and let my children do this on their own. I mean they must learn sometime and what about when I'm no longer here to help they must know how to do it, so they need the practice now. This is a hard thing for a mother to do.
The best thing I can tell you is to do the best you can because your daughter has thoughts and ways of her own. She is trying to be that grown up you taught her to be. She just needs to make sure she takes her meds and does as she needs to. Maybe if you watch from a distance and do for her and your grandchild without her knowing then she might not fight you so much on things.
But you can only do what you can do and making yourself sick is doing no one any good. I wish you lots of luck and bless you for doing what you do.
2 people like this
@moondancer (7431)
• United States
25 Jul 11
My daughter won't keep insurance on herself so she can be on meds she needs so it's so hard on herself and on the children. She has children that have medical issues that I have to push and push to make sure their needs are met. I hate it because my hands are tied, I'm not their legal guardian or anything so "she" has to sign for everything. I have to stay on her about taking the children when they need medical care because she gets caught up in other peoples drama and helps them and all sorts of other things but does not make sure the children are at all appointments they need to go to.
I try not to say anything about her or the children. It is very hard though when she has one child with seizers and another with parkinsons full blown with bad tremers at times. She has 2 that have severe adhd and 1 bipolar. I know at times she feels over-whelmed since she has heart problems and seizers too. But I have had the same problems she does and I make sure the children are taken care of no matter what. That goes for my own, my foster children when I had them and now my grandchildren when she doesn't give me too much grief over it all.
We all do what we can. I have had to distance myself from my daughter a bit at times but now I don't want to do this because of the children. Someone must be there for them. So I just do the best I can. That's really all any of us can do.
I hope your daughter does better by her child since that is what counts the most right now. Good luck to you. I know how hard it is for you and where you stand.
@celticeagle (189838)
• Boise, Idaho
24 Jul 11
We do do the best we can. It is just so hard sometimes I feel so helpless and sad for my grandson. She is so unpredictable. And I just worry for him. She can do what she wants. I try to help her when she is in the right frame of mind. Other than that I try to stay out of it. Try is the key word here. Sometimes I open my mouth when I shouldn't but for the most part I do okay. Just when it comes to him.
1 person likes this
@Lakota12 (42600)
• United States
26 Jul 11
Its got to be so hard on you but if ya can save him it will be worth it just wished there was more help for your daughter Is she getting the right meds for this sounds like she isnt as what I have read on this the right meds can get tehm into functioning pretty normal and can really be good for every one all around.
They said my son was BP but ony signs is he likes to spend money.
THe took hi m off th epills as he wouldnt take the blood test he just hates needles.
He says he can feel when a spell is coming on him and he tries to get off by himself so nothing will happen or tell his wife and she watches him but he dont seem to get violant as he once did.
He also had teh cord wrapped around his neck I was watching in mirror and was tell DOc to get it of him and he worked fst so dont think he lost any oxegen.
Sending energies that all gets better for you hugssssssssssssssss
1 person likes this
@celticeagle (189838)
• Boise, Idaho
26 Jul 11
It is hard! I am sick because of it. She changes her meds periodically. Doesn't take them occasionally(I sware!). Sounds like your son is very aware of his condition. That is great! I think my daughter's learning disability and tendency toward narcississtism makes her more proan to not take her meds and go manic.
Thank you for the energies and the hugs. Love ya, Hon. I really do.
@ANTIQUELADY (36440)
• United States
24 Jul 11
BLESS YOUR HEART, i am so sorry u are having to live like u are.I don't know how u do it but know why. Your grandson does deserve better than what he's getting from his mother. How old is he?I wish u could come up w/a solution to get him away from his mother & let him live a normal lifr. U need one to. Daughter needs to ge her stuff together, take the meds she needs to control herself etc. I wish things could get better for all of u.
2 people like this
@ANTIQUELADY (36440)
• United States
24 Jul 11
I know we have discusts are grandsons before but didn't remember how old yours was. Mine turned 7 testerday going on 25, lol. They are wonderfuyl for sure.
@celticeagle (189838)
• Boise, Idaho
24 Jul 11
My grandson is going to be nine in October.
2 people like this
@marie2052 (3691)
• United States
24 Jul 11
Celtic you are not alone. I have just went through something similar with my daughter and granddaughter.
I have also been down a road of very dark trying times. I wound up with blood pressure shooting up to 200/110 and I only weigh 98lbs so it was not because of weight or diabetes etc.
I was having extreme headaches finally had a bout of vertigo and it was horrible.
The doctor wanted to put me in the hospital because of blood pressure at that time, and they thought I would have a stroke. I laughed and looked them straight in the face and replied, I can't have a stroke I don't have the time!
And I didn't with all the burdens I had to face every morning head on.
I finally got diagnosed with fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue syndrome, IBS (irritable bowel syndrome) along with already having asthma, arthritis, and spinal desinegration.
After all this and seeing how many pills I am on, I finally woke up one morning and realized I can't pick everyone up. That the best I can do is be good to myself for the day and let whatever comes come.
Deal with it on a daily basis.
Find your higher power whether it be God or a simple stone. Focus on that and it may help you feel better about yourself
You cannot change your daughter. If you are healthy enough to raise your grandbaby then I am sure you could be a custodian over him or her.
The thing is you have to be true to yourself.
Being a mother, we are all taught to be caregivers and never take care of ourselves.
this was a long road for me to learn.
After basically being slapped in the face (not for real) with reality for the millionth time, I realized I had to take a step back start taking care of myself first and other things will fall into place.
I am turning 59 in a few days, and i have to tell you, its been a long time coming to finally find some inner peace.
While I still want to be a good grandmother and mother there comes a time in each of our lives that we have to start taking care of ourself and let our children take care of themselves. Its a very hard thing to do of course.
Find something you like doing, whether a simple walk, lunch with a friend, read a book, etc.
I cross stitch and read. It rounds out a hectic day of cooking, and cleaning. And I am finding that taking time for myself for the first time in my life is not so bad.
@moondancer (7431)
• United States
24 Jul 11
Marie and celtic, I have been in both of your shoes and dealt with the same things. My health suffered and your story marie mirrors mine. I too had to learn that I had to take care of me first and the rest would fall into place. If we don't take care of us we won't be there to take care of the young ones. But we must put it all in prospective. I now and again have one of my grandchildren living with me and I'm going soon to have a pace maker put in for my heart, but we all push on.
I wish you both the best.
1 person likes this
@celticeagle (189838)
• Boise, Idaho
24 Jul 11
Whoa! I think we are two strong sisters of different mothers. I was able to get ahold of some old friends and reconnected the last day or so. It felt really good. I DO need to be true to myself. She needs to live her life and I can't rescue her. My basic caring goes out to my grandson. I won't raise another grandchildren. Already did that. But I will continue to help and do what I can. I just get very hurt and take it all very personally. I feel totally at a loss at first and the panic attack takes over and I am a goner. Luckily it doesn't last long. I am going to send you a friend's request. I hope that's okay. Would like to stay in touch with folks who have this same thing going on. Take care. Thanks again!
1 person likes this
@marie2052 (3691)
• United States
24 Jul 11
Celtic and Moondancer no one teaches us or prepares us for motherhood. Every generation has their own way of doing things. This generation no matter how much we help most stay dependent on parents way after they should be on their own and figuring out their own lives.
Celtic I eagerly await your friend and accept you as soon as I see you.
With that said...Life can be peaceful, the power in each of us has to find that peace.
I did today I went on the Navy Base and sat by the bay and cross stitched.
Huggs to both of you!
@Awinds (2468)
• United States
24 Jul 11
First of, my heart [i]really[i] reaches out to you. You have sacrificed so much for you daughter, but it sounds like she doesn't really understand this and does not treat you with the love and respect she should - especially after all you have done. I bet half the people in this world don't have to deal with everything you just poured out up there. I can't imagine the situation and I am kind of surprised you still have enough of yourself together to type all of that with shining spelling and grammar no less.
First of all, it will get better. Your car will be repaired and you will see those who support you again. Plus there is the myLot family to be here for you to. I know its not the same as having people physically there, but we are here for you! :)
I would then say hang in there or leave there. If you grandson's survival is dependent on you (since it sounds like his mother's conditions causes repeat neglecting), hang on. Maybe even try to get custody of him and move somewhere else where you can actually live with some relative peace. It depends on if you think you can continue to handle this or not.
Either way, good luck! I hope it all works out for your sake. It sounds like you have suffered enough and are overdue from an up-cline in fortune.
1 person likes this
@celticeagle (189838)
• Boise, Idaho
24 Jul 11
Thank you so much for your words of kindness and understanding. I will not be raising another child! I raised her first child I refuse to raise this one. I just have to wait and tread lightly and things will come back around. Thanks again. It good to know I have friends out there.
@JenInTN (27514)
• United States
25 Jul 11
You certainly have a tough road and I hate that you are going through all that. It is hard to be the constant advocate when it seems that you are fighting a losing battle...like they don't even care if you are or not. I think that keeping your eye on the important thing...the grandson...is the best thing to do and a place where you can draw strength. That doesn't make it any easier though.
Is she taking medication for her problems?
1 person likes this
@celticeagle (189838)
• Boise, Idaho
25 Jul 11
Thanks for your concerns. I do have to keep my grandson in view above all else. It is just so difficult not to want to think of myself and what is easier for me at times. I had a really bad week-end but things are back to normal and as always comes back around. Difficult when I am so emotionally involved and she is such a headache at times. SHe does realize after a time. I just get scared for his sake and my own. It takes so much out of me.
@myfb2009 (8296)
• Malaysia
25 Jul 11
I feel sorry and sad to read about your situation. Just hope you will always be strong to overcome the problems which you are having in your daily life. One of my ex-colleague do have a brain damage brother living with her for a few years. Her brother having brain damage since from child birth. Because both her parents was a heavy drinker before. Only after her brother was born and they realized their mistake, then only they change and my colleague was born as a healthy child. Now, her parents had gone, she is the only sole close relative to him, so she take care of him like her own son. Sometimes, she broke down and cry in front of us, her colleagues because she just don't know how to solve her brother's problem. Because her brother unable to think and even eat well on his own. Recently, i heard from her that she is going to get married and going to send her brother to the nearest special care center. Her future husband's parents don't allow her to bring along her brother to stay with them. They think for the safety and happiness of her life.
1 person likes this
@celticeagle (189838)
• Boise, Idaho
25 Jul 11
Thank you. I hope that works out okay. She will miss him I am certain. We have to take care of our own.
@RitterSport (2451)
• Lippstadt, Germany
25 Jul 11
dear celticeagle I really admire you for what you do to make your daughters and grandsons life better. You are doing a lot for them and I think like being a caregiver to an older person there are simply times when you at your wits and and are simply out of power, of patience and of ideas how to continue and cope some more with the heartbreaking situation.
I wish I could do something actively to help you having been the part time caregiver to my mother myself for quite some time, over a year in the evenings from Mon to Wed and it doesnt really stop there when you have closed the door to the place and are on your way to your own place with a bit more quiet and rest.
Maybe it helps you that I admire you and I think you will have a great reward in your grandson doing great in his future and then saying thanks Grandma thanks to your help I have made it.
1 person likes this
@celticeagle (189838)
• Boise, Idaho
25 Jul 11
Thanks. I will hope that my grandson has a bright future.
