Hugging your dad or mom when you aren't accustomed to it
@PointlessQuestions (15397)
United States
September 7, 2011 10:23pm CST
Hi my fellow Lotters!
I was just on another discussion and it reminded me about showing affection to our families when they are stoic or not used to being hugged. First, let me say that I grew up in a family that never said they loved us as kids.. we were never hugged. Once when I was little I fell asleep in the car while we were traveling, and I was sort of hugging into my mom.. my head was on her breast. My mom said, "Al, her head is on my breast." And he shook me to wake me up so I wouldn't touch her. Looking back I see how sad that was.
I grew up without ever hugging my mom or dad.. and one day a friend of mine said just do it. It will feel funny at first, but just do it and the more you do it the more used to it you and they will be. So I started telling my family I loved them and I would give them a hug. It never did get quite natural then, but now I can hug people easily and truly tell them i love them... and now I wish my family was alive so I could hug them.
your thoughts?
2 people like this
10 responses
@ANTIQUELADY (36440)
• United States
8 Sep 11
I can certainly relate to what u are saying. My parents weren't huggers either. I'm sorry yours wern't. I was determined when i had children that they never doubted my love for them. they were hugged every day sometimes numerous times & i told them every day that i loved them numerous times, i still do.My oldest son has strayed from me but i would still tell him if i could. My youngest never leaves w/out us telling each other we love EACH OTHER. My grandson does the same. I think our parents did us a big injustice by being the way they were.
1 person likes this
@ANTIQUELADY (36440)
• United States
9 Sep 11
Thanks emjay, i tried real hard to let my children know they were loved, still do.
@PointlessQuestions (15397)
• United States
8 Sep 11
Hi Anti L! I never felt loved. When I was little I asked if I was adopted. In my mind that would explain why I never felt like I belonged to my family. I asked my mom and she said no. The next thing I asked was was I retarded. I thought maybe that's why no one loved me. Mom just said 'don't be stupid.'. It really took me until I was an adult to learn how to love people and show that love.
1 person likes this
@emjay86 (640)
• Philippines
8 Sep 11
I applaud for you for not repeating the mistake of the past. You have become who you want to be, a loving mother and grandmother. As much as you can, you find your way to show and tell people you love them. And that loving is never a shame but is beautiful much more when shared. :) More power!
2 people like this
@stephcjh (38473)
• United States
8 Sep 11
I know how you feel. there was not alot of hugging in our family either. Mom did hug more than dad though but not very often. Dad always pushed us away. I never felt that dad did not love me though. He was just shy and backward and didn't liked to be hugged by us kids. I wish he was still around so I could hug him again though.
1 person likes this
@PointlessQuestions (15397)
• United States
8 Sep 11
Thank you Steph for the hug. I accept it with all the live you sent with it. I send you a hug back too!
@winterose (39887)
• Canada
8 Sep 11
my family is exactly the same way. They won't change though.
1 person likes this
@PointlessQuestions (15397)
• United States
8 Sep 11
It's really sad when you want family to hug you and love you... fortunately my immediate family does love me and hug me. I get a hug from SIL almost every night.. at least 4 or 5 times a week.. and my daughter gives me a hug a few times a week.. she would really miss me if I were gone.
1 person likes this
@MsTickle (25180)
• Australia
14 Sep 11
I get a nice hug from my sister and my Dad but my brother in law and my brother are really awkward about hugging me. I get the feeling that they think I will contaminate them some how.
When I tell any of the members of my family that I love them, they are awkward and ignore what I have said...like you, our family never said "I love you" but we did hug and give a peck on the cheek for "hello" and "goodbye".
@PointlessQuestions (15397)
• United States
16 Sep 11
Hi Ms Tickle! Good to see you pretty pink avatar! I used to be just like my parents, because they were my frame of reference. I'm so glad that I do love to hug and let people know what they mean to me.
@AmbiePam (120749)
• United States
10 Sep 11
I come from a family who says I love you and hugs a lot. Well, my dad never starts the hugs, but he won't shy away from them. He and my sister only hug briefly, but they'll say return the I love yous with ease. But I know people who grew up like you. I had a best friend when I was younger whom I hung out with a lot. And like when we would hang out and it was time to leave, I'd give her a hug. And I'd sign a card "Love you!" That was how all of my friends were. Except this friend. About a year after hanging out she asked if I was gay. She obviously knew I liked guys, but she thought because I would hug her and sign things 'love' I might be gay. I thought that was so sad. She had so little affection that she took an occasional hug the wrong way. I mean you could have knocked me over how shocked I was.
1 person likes this
@PointlessQuestions (15397)
• United States
11 Sep 11
It's really sad how people's minds are set to believe such nonsense. If they were raised without affection, I guess any affection seems unnatural somehow...It's awful that a hug could be suspect of anything but plain love of one friend to another or family member or whatever.
@sweetaprillynn (207)
• United States
8 Sep 11
What a touching story PQ. Affection comes in different forms for all families. Personally, I love to hug and kiss my parents and sibling. This form of affection did not happen overnight. My father went away to prison, and with him being away we were only able to visit him once a week. We always hugged, kissed, and expressed our love for one another at the end of every visit. Once he came home and my family was reunited, the affectionate behavior just stuck.
Your situation was a bit different. I imagine that your parents would have loved to hug and kiss you throughout their growing years, but for whatever reason they withheld. Some people are not very comfortable showing affection, but that doesn't mean they don't care!
@PointlessQuestions (15397)
• United States
8 Sep 11
Amen Sweetaprillynn. Families show their love in different ways. For my family it was food on the table and a roof over our heads and clothes on our backs. It wasn't much else, but my dad was a hard worker. He held 2 jobs all of my growing up life, and he was a pilot also of small planes. I flew with him from when I was just 2 years old. He enjoyed taking me places and called me Dolly. Once in a while when I was a grown woman he would forget and still call me Dolly... I liked it... but it was like he tried not to use endearments after I reached puberty.
@sweetaprillynn (207)
• United States
8 Sep 11
I imagine many fathers do the same thing. I can remember watching my little brother change one of his daughter's first diapers. He hardly cleaned her! He was so afraid to even touch her! He is obviously more comfortable now that she is potty trained and mommy takes care of all the bathing. But I imagine, like your father, my brother may go through that awkward stage as well.
@hardworkinggurl (37062)
• United States
9 Sep 11
Hi PQ! 
Yes I can relate to this too as I was not raised with my biological parents. I bounced from several foster homes for most of my childhood years. I was not shown what love and hugs were about and have to admit that upon having my first child, somehow I craved it. So I did assure to be loving and hugs to both of my kids as this to me was important for them to learn so that in the future they continue doing so as well.
Yes although I do not know my own biological parents I too wished they were in my life so I could hug them too.
Yes I can relate to this too as I was not raised with my biological parents. I bounced from several foster homes for most of my childhood years. I was not shown what love and hugs were about and have to admit that upon having my first child, somehow I craved it. So I did assure to be loving and hugs to both of my kids as this to me was important for them to learn so that in the future they continue doing so as well.
Yes although I do not know my own biological parents I too wished they were in my life so I could hug them too. @PointlessQuestions (15397)
• United States
9 Sep 11
Hi HWG! Reading your post brings tears to my eyes. My best friend in childhood was raised in a foster home. She was never hugged either. I think that is why she got involved with grown men as a young teen. She wanted to be loved. That is wonderful that you craved affection after your children were born. It is so important to kids to KNOW they belong and are loved.
@jeanneyvonne (5500)
• Philippines
17 Sep 11
Well, My parents and I were not really affectionate. I guess it stems from that have to work and they are not really at home at times. When I was still a kid, I would often wish for a different set of parents due to this experience. When I got older, I understood why and my parents tried to reconnect even though we as children kinda maintained the status quo. We never saw it as a problem, more like a something that happens everyday.
I guess they will be a time when we do reconcile and talk about this issue. But our parents and us children enjoy the Independence we have now. We do bond with each otehr but we weren't still ready for true affection and all it entails.
@moneywinner (1863)
• Brazil
8 Sep 11
I agree with you. It's kind sad that your mom and you dad did not let you hug them, actually I think most parents like when their sons do this. In my family, we never had problems like this, because my parents hug us all the time and they like when we hug them. Me and my sister we are older now, but we always hug our parents when we see them.
@PointlessQuestions (15397)
• United States
8 Sep 11
That is wonderful that you were raised with affection. I wish I could have my parents back just one more time for a real hug.
@emjay86 (640)
• Philippines
8 Sep 11
Hug and "I love you" is (thank GOD) commonplace in our household. We grew up that way. Before anyone goes to work, any one would instantly say "Take Care". I am fond of my family. Love is abound and it is being portrayed firstmost at home, shared among ourselves and extended to people around us. Hugs? I love them. :) Especially from family. My brothers and sister gives me some once in a while. :)
@PointlessQuestions (15397)
• United States
8 Sep 11
Hi Emjay! You are so fortunate to have grown up with that kind of love. It can be very difficult for people to feel love and affection when they have never had it.
