How to keep the "Spark Alive" in a Relationship?

Philippines
December 7, 2011 10:08am CST
"The loneliest feeling does not come from being single. It is being married or living with someone, but feeling alone." This is exactly what i feel.. together but alone. We've been living together as a married couple for almost 4 years and the first year was great. But as the year passes by, i feel like my partner is too comfortable with me to the extent that we rarely talk much, laugh much, when he took a day-off from his job and he's at my side, he's not engaging or talking to me or if i asked him he will just simply answer me back with a "no" or "yes" or a nod. I feel like im in a bad position, i'm committed to someone and very much alone. Have you ever feel the same way? Have you ever thought of something or idea to share that will keep the spark alive in a relationship? Please let me know your thought. Thanks!
1 person likes this
13 responses
• Valdosta, Georgia
7 Dec 11
I have felt this way in the past and thank goodness it is gone now! The first thing I would do and what I did do was talk to him. Tell him how upset this is making you and how much it is hurting you. He might not realize. Men don't really think as emotionally as we do usually. The second thing I would say to do is once a week if possible have a date night for the two of you. Go somewhere you can afford or stay in and cuddle but that time is just for both of you to re-kindle the spark. You should tell him if you do stay in no distractions like the TV or the computer or anything like that (unless your watching a romantic movie or something). The third thing I would suggest is re-kindle the fire by writing little love notes for him before he goes to work put them where he will see them in the house or in the car so he will think about you all day long. I hope some of this has helped even a little! Good luck and please let us know how it turns out for you! =) And here is a hug to hopefully make you feel a little better.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
7 Dec 11
Thank you dear for the the wonderful advice, sounds good and effective. I will definitely try it and I hope it'll work for us (I'll keep my fingers crossed) coz' I really want this marriage work. Yes, i will definitely share it with you how it turns out. Thank you thank you and thank you for the hug, it made me feel a lot better :)
1 person likes this
@sizzle3000 (3036)
• United States
7 Dec 11
My daughter has only been married a year but has had this problem. Amazingly all they do is sit down and talk when it gets to that point. And what I think is really sweet is that her husband actually listens and turns around and does something nice for her. She would complain about him being on the computer all the time when he got home from work. When she had had enough she talked to him about it and now he only spends some time on the computer and when he gets done he spends time with her watching movies or playing games with her. It actually makes me proud how they handle thier problems. It used to be fighting and yelling and now they have civil conversations and actually talk about how to fix things. Believe it or not, just talking things out can work wonders. Mostly because sometimes your significant other doesn't realize what they're doing. Once they find out they want to fix things and they want to make things better.
1 person likes this
@viju0410 (2286)
• India
8 Dec 11
hi friend, i liked the user name of 'we prosper' and welcome to my lot. For any committed relationship we need to have open communication, understanding, love etc etc. I feel somewhere you are lacking in communication and that's making you worried. Just talk to him for a while and remind him your dating spots. Ask him to join you there. Are you sure he is not under stress due to his work, office or other problems.
@viju0410 (2286)
• India
10 Dec 11
hi, life is full of ups and downs so just cool down and don't think too much. Talk to him when you are also in a good mood and have a nice day.
• Philippines
9 Dec 11
Hello. Thank you for liking my username :) I think that's what we are lacking of recently, the communication. I'm planning to talk to him when he gets back from his business trip. (maybe after he rested and make sure that he's not in bad mood or tired) Thank you for the time and for the advice, I highly appreciate it. I will definitely do that
@cearn25 (3456)
• Philippines
8 Dec 11
Don't wait for the time to come that he will find another because he found you boring. Do something that will bring back the spark. Have a nice talk to him about the memories you both had when you were still girlfriend-boyfriend. Then it is a start. Go out with him.
• Philippines
9 Dec 11
Or maybe the other way around.. coz I'm the one who is bored.. but nah it will never happen that i will find or be attached with someone just because im bored. Anyway, thank you for spending time with my sentiments. I really appreciate it :)
@WakeUpKitty (8694)
• Netherlands
8 Dec 11
I know exactly what you mean. I don't have any tip for you since I left in the end after more as 8 miserable years. Since then I never feel lonesome anymore (already for 21 years). It still is a relief to me if I think back. The thing is he is just too comfortable with you. You are always there, arranging everything. There is no need anymore to say more as just "no" or "yes". You are not fun anymore since there is nothing new to discover. So what I would advice you is to start living. Have/create a life of your own. Make new friends, go out, skip cooking dinner because you are busy, etc. Might be your husband will be interested in you again, or in doing great, funny things together. Men are way more interested in single women, the ones who have a life, are hard to catch.. not in the one they already catched.
• Philippines
9 Dec 11
Thank you. Yeah maybe I should try to go out and create a new world and find some happiness with my friends and families and by that maybe i will stop worrying about how my husband treated me... and I hope later on my husband will finally realize my importance to him and miss how devoted I am in our marriage life.. then maybe he'll change for the good. Thanks again :)
@genix012 (42)
• Philippines
8 Dec 11
Well you see there are so much advice in there, :)) i just want to say it in a simple way...All you have to do is not to care of it at all..That's it.. NO more worries, No more problems..You see, your a gorgeous woman and your husband didn't see that? Well it's not your problem anymore its your husband,,Your husband is the problem.. remember do not care of it at all, and everything follows..Trust me..it's all in the mind.:) Hope this will work, PM me in a couple of weeks.. Im sure you'll be okey..:)
• Philippines
9 Dec 11
Thanks, yeah maybe you're right. I should not think more about it and maybe i should focus more in the lighter side of life. I'll definitely do that. Thank you for the simple yet very encouraging advice.
1 person likes this
@aprilsong (1884)
• China
8 Dec 11
Hi,i think it is the situation many couples face. After the first years being together, they enter into a cold period and take each other for granted. Because the hot love in the first years just disappear. Well,i have a question, do you have a kid now? You know, kids can bring so much happiness to one's marriage. It can also bring spark back into the relationship. Don't worry too much about the situation of yours. Maybe he is thinking that you are not as sweet to him as before, sometimes it is just misunderstanding, for example, sometimes we are tried because of the work or something else, and after work, we feel we are home now, we don't need to have a real rest. You are married, and he thinks there is no need to always say "i love you "to you as in the courtship. I think you should talk with him and try to solve the problem. Best wishes to you two!
• Philippines
8 Dec 11
Hello~ yeah i think most married couples have this kind of dilemma and i envy those couples who can overcome it. It might sounds "common situation" but very hard to handle and fix the relationship. Anyway, regarding to your question, we don't have kids yet.. well, i got pregnant once year 2009 (but unfortunately it was molar pregnancy, i conceived but there's was no baby.. only blood and placenta). But we are still working on it because he really wants to have a baby. Thank you for all the encouraging words, we will do our best to make this marriage work. I'll keep you guys posted :)
@Jezebella (1446)
• United States
5 Jan 12
For my boyfriend and I we make it a point to go out on regular dates. When we have an argument we always apologize for harsh words or even tone of voice. We spend time doing things each liked even if we dont, for example he.comes to craft shows with me and tries to figure out ways to help me sell jewelry I make and I go to anime.conventions with him. Its the little things that are keeping the spark alive. Little things that show.how imporyant we are to each other.
@yspmyl (3435)
• Malaysia
8 Dec 11
Relationship will only alive when both of you interact and work together. It will not work if only one of you work hard on it. Do you have kids? Sometime when a couple have been together for too long, there will be not much things to talk about, but if you have kids, you life will not be that boring since both of you will have a common topic can talk about. If not, both of you can try to go out together, like go for travel, or do things together, at least, you need to find something that interest both of you. If you wanted to take the initiative, it is always good to find something that he is interested in, so that he will join you when you ask him. So, the first thing you need to think about is what is his interest, what he like to do, if he like to go fishing, just go together with him, even though you do not like it. At least you can do something together, and at least you will have a topic to discuss and talk about. Work on this pattern, and you will find that your life will definitely change. Hope this will help on your situation and relationship. Good luck!
• Philippines
9 Dec 11
Hello. Thank you for finding time to help, I really appreciate it. I will do the first move and we will talk very soon. I'll keep everyone posted whatever the outcome will be.
@marie2052 (3691)
• United States
8 Dec 11
My husband is a very dull person. He has NO interests, sits in his recliner, goes to bed by 8pm, geez. Me on the other hand I am like this little bouncy ball and am always into something and doing something. After we were married about 9 years, cause when we dated he was willing to do anything and go anywhere type person. I think you settle into a relationship and because you no longer have to date etc they just start taking us for granted. I finally laid into my husband and he actually had tears in his eyes While I know he loves me he and his whole family are like funny about showing affection. But I told him I did not marry myself and there is another person in my space if I am NOT married and I guess I got the message across. He will never do anything about a vacation etc, in fact he was married twice previously and had never taken a vacation with either of them while married. I told him I did not marry him just to clean and cook his crap and he had better wise up! so Saturday we leave on a cruise for a week. Yep I booked it and he is coming along or I will have double occupancy and balcony all by myself for 7 days. If your partner is passive you have to take charge of the relationship. I do it in a comical way and make my husband laugh most of the time to get my way. but after nine years the comedy was wearing even for me. So I blew a fuse and he bought a vowel and got what I was saying. sometimes we have to do what we have to do to keep our relationship alive. When we think we should be the one recieving flowers, I remember the first time we went out on a date, I brought him a yellow rose. He was shocked. Every once in awhile I still go and get him a yellow rose to remind him of our first date. Sometimes the one that wants the love and affection has to work to get it and if they genuinely love you they will respect you and come back (at least for a day or two) then you have to kick em in the butt again to joggle the mind. Unfortunately its work. Just like everything else in life that is worth having. Good luck to you. I wish you and your relationship every chance of getting better.
• Philippines
8 Dec 11
Thank you. Yeah, i must admit that when we got married i found out that my husband is a dull person not unlike when he was still courting me.. he used to make funny jokes, he tells story that even sometimes i felt it it's nonsense but still i listened and laughed to it. And yeah, i think people changes especially if they live together. Now he barely talk and tell jokes. I think we need to talk again heart to heart and this time, i'll make sure that we'll both agree to patch things up and start our relationship all over again, for the best. Thank you for the encouraging advice, it gives me the strength and courage i need to fix our marriage.
@Xansus (946)
• Bulgaria
8 Dec 11
Well i think people change and tend to do that . As i find myself without words lots of times , but well i still try to say anything , ye and it sounds normally stupid . But well i think in your case you should talk with him about it . Well as i said i did not feel the same because i'm normally the more silent side , but well i tend to be silent from time to time :P And the simple keeping the spark alive is as i said , just talk about everything and anything , including this that you said to us :)
• Philippines
8 Dec 11
make him feel your love, make bonds with him, bring him lunch at his work everyday. But it cannot satisfy you much that it will bring spark in the relationship with your husband. Just say you love him and ask if he love you too.
@seemared (771)
31 Dec 11
I am sorry if I am too out of topic..I once had separated physically from my husband and it was worse and getting worse r as each day passed.. he would be available on phone but I wanted him was physically..near to me..but no and that time was so harsh for and my husband itself found a very daring idea which when tried quite eraded that eve though his presence wasn't there... he never talked slowly at me as you said in one word.. he always talked freely and still does..if he hadn't it would have been a worse life for me.. try sparking your life with something..like a different area or another honey moon trip..or try to make him miss you..something like that..as you know him better you would have the best solution to the problem..