"when you are married, love's in the past?" say what?

@Hatley (163781)
Garden Grove, California
February 13, 2012 2:00pm CST
I was looking for a topic and found one in a response to discussion on valentine's day. this person said when you are married, love is in the past. What a bleak sad outlook. Your take fellow mylotters Love does or does not die when you are married?
7 people like this
31 responses
@RitterSport (2451)
• Lippstadt, Germany
19 Feb 12
hi dear Hatley I am married now for almost 6 years and a half. The relationship changes when you are married, thats true. Men tend to think that they have done their job so to say with proposing marriage, hearing a yes and then actually getting married. Its as if we wives are sort of trophy they have obtained and then its time to move on to other things like career or whatever. They behave different when married than when just engaged or in a relationship yet without a real commitment. but it does not mean love is in the past. Its just getting different and is shown in small actions of care and concern one should not overlook. Like when my husband does the grocery shopping as he has car and driving license what I dont, and remembers to stock up on some stuff I need being diabetic. Or me getting home early on Fridays if possible to just spend more time with him.
2 people like this
@Hatley (163781)
• Garden Grove, California
19 Feb 12
hi rittersport I did not know you were diabetic,me too for thirty some years. yes married love shows more in actions like when my husband was disabled and I had to go back to work at the library. when I came home in the evening he would have dinner ready and on the table. I would be tired and hungry and it felt so good not to have to cook. He was a great cook always and his beef stews were to die for.We were there always for each other no matter what happened and thats the lovely part of a good marriage, two people working together backing each other up even to discipline of our children. so many couples fight over how t o discipline their kids.
1 person likes this
@Hatley (163781)
• Garden Grove, California
26 Feb 12
just lost a whole comment grrrt since my husband was inept at paying the bills and doing the balancing the check books he insisted I do it. I paid them immediately if we had noney before we spent anything then the groceries. we decided too we would have a household account k and a personal account for each of us. this was harmony all the wa y. we did not have a lot of money so we had to budget and to keep things in chedk. we did not have cable tv we did not even have a computer at that time.but we were never in debt although we may not have had a lot of money. we mever fought about money once he got the idea to always put do wn withdrawls at the time 'eh did themn. that way no scary surprises.
1 person likes this
• Lippstadt, Germany
26 Feb 12
when we got married we were a tad too old to still have kids....... but lots of couples fight about money and we dont although we live on a budget.
2 people like this
• United States
13 Feb 12
Huh? What's wrong with that person? That person must not have been in live when he/she married. Marriage takes work but the partners should love each other before and during the marriage. I think people who say that must be in love with love and not each other.
2 people like this
@celticeagle (157593)
• Boise, Idaho
15 Feb 12
Must have been a man and he has a bad attitude about marriage. Feels it is jail and i feel sorry for any woman who comes anywhere near him. What a dip.
@Hatley (163781)
• Garden Grove, California
19 Feb 12
hi celticEagle I had my first chuckle today as thats a term my mom used to use all the time. I loved it as its got a lot of truth to it
1 person likes this
@celticeagle (157593)
• Boise, Idaho
19 Feb 12
Same here. Good ones come to me occasionally.
1 person likes this
@celticeagle (157593)
• Boise, Idaho
18 Feb 12
That is great! Some men aren't smart enough to pound sand in a rat hole.
1 person likes this
@bunnybon7 (50975)
• Holiday, Florida
14 Feb 12
oh usually men think that way after being married a long time or anyone that hasnt married the love of their life. every day my late hubby was alive, we both felt like it was still a honeymoon. we loved till the end and i still love him like that. some days i miss him so i think i can hardly wait till we meet again up there i hope
2 people like this
@JenInTN (27514)
• United States
13 Feb 12
Well...I am hoping that it doesn't die. I have to say that I have heard before that things can change for the worst when people get married but I think that is something that is up to the couple too. I know there are extra pressures but I also think that they can bring a couple closer. Of course it can push them apart too if they let it.
2 people like this
@Hatley (163781)
• Garden Grove, California
14 Feb 12
hi JenInTn its being lovers and best friends. its keeping the fire'of love burning deeper , richer, more comfortable. having time for two by letting my mom babysit our children . we went to a movie,or shopping or for a drive or a walk just to keep making our love grow and burn brightly for the rest of our lives together. We had 33 great years in spite of ups and downs. we weathered the storms and reaped the happiness of just being togethere.
@mark_413 (19)
• China
15 Feb 12
I don't think so. if you want your love pass, it will pass. it's up to you.
2 people like this
@Hatley (163781)
• Garden Grove, California
17 Feb 12
hi mark wise statement and so true. we worked a l ittle all the time to keep our love thriving and we were lovers and best friends too.thats one key being friends, and communicating, trusting and also respecting each other. those will make a good' marriage even better.
1 person likes this
@julyteen (13252)
• Davao, Philippines
13 Feb 12
I am now married but I didn't considered love is in the past because just now we've started the magic of love with my wife.
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@julyteen (13252)
• Davao, Philippines
14 Feb 12
Just to return back what I owed my wife the hardship and love she did to me before.
1 person likes this
@Hatley (163781)
• Garden Grove, California
14 Feb 12
hi julyteen I wish the best for you both and think yours will be a very happy and hopefully long long marriagel
@Hatley (163781)
• Garden Grove, California
13 Feb 12
hi julyteen no in deed love is always there when we really care and as our marriages go on it gets better and richer no matter whether we have good times or bad times.Glad you have started the magic of love.
@RawBill1 (8531)
• Gold Coast, Australia
15 Feb 12
Hi Hatley, I am with you on that point of view. That is a bleak outlook indeed! Being married has nothing to do with it. If you are with someone long term, the way that you love them changes, regardless of whether you are married to them or not. Your love for them evolves and yes, there may be a loss of lust, but that should not be confused with love. Also, any relationship does have it's ups and downs. It is not always rosy. But when we are going through difficult times with our partner, does that mean we do not love them any more? I think not!
1 person likes this
@Hatley (163781)
• Garden Grove, California
17 Feb 12
hi rawvbill you are right, and that point of view made me shiver. Yes longterm relationships can be just as love filled as marriages. we are not promised to hear bells and whistles each time we make love or just any time we come face to face with lifes little nasty suprises like cancer, or surgery or the pain of losing a little child.if we support each other always with love, respect and trust our love will only deeper and beocme quieter s ans the bells and 'whistles.loss of lust does indeed not mean loss of love, and the deep sustaining love that bolsters us when we do not always get that rose garden. This term came from a book I read called "Life Never Promised You a R ose Garden. I do not recall the author but it was a very mo ving well written story of this woman's Journey through\ a nervous breakdown back to being mentall healthy..You know she was right ,Life has never promised us we will be hap py happy , joy joy every day til we die. It does promise us lots of adventgures and some are good, some not so good but if we can weather these as a couple we do h ave a great marriage. lol lol
@Hatley (163781)
• Garden Grove, California
26 Feb 12
hi rawbill I was just talking to my son on the phone asking him if he was coming over today as he usually does come on a Sunday but he made me feel amused trying to cover up that i had just woke him him up.He told me then he was groggy and not feeling well as He had been fighting a virus all week. I then let him off the hook saying if he did not feel well I could well understand. So finally he said he would stop by after work tomorrow Monday. I have never pulled that guilt trip on him like some mom's do on their adult children. I know from my own earlier years that sometimes I could not see my mm when she felt I should as I had my own family and other obligations.' she did do the guilt trip and made m e feel so bad and yet I saw her so much at times that my own hubby had to say,"Hey you are my wife, what am I chopped liver. I miss yuou." sorry I have got completely off the subject. but maybe my son is part og it as he is the product of our great marriage. he is so good about coming to see me and I am so grateful. so many here never see their families and its so sad.
@RawBill1 (8531)
• Gold Coast, Australia
19 Feb 12
That is a great quote Hatley. Yep, life certainly is an adventure and if it were all plain sailing, it would be very boring. Some of my fondest memories in life so far are from times when things did not go exactly to plan. From adversity there is always growth and strength. Troubles need to be accepted as learning experiences.
1 person likes this
@inu1711 (5285)
• Romania
14 Feb 12
Hello Hatley, I think that person was right. When you are married, love must be in the past. You can't marry someone if you don't love him/her, can you? But love must also be present in every day of a married couple. If not, you have nothing but a sad cohabitation. Love must not die when the marriage begins.
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@Hatley (163781)
• Garden Grove, California
17 Feb 12
hi inu yes thats it exactly an for love to survive we need to'nourish it occasionally by going out just the two of' you to renew those bonds of love.We made it a practice our early years of marriage to hire a babysitteror let mymom sit our children so we had some cou ple time. we might just'fo gor a quick dinner and a drive or a special movie or trying out a new restaurant.the thing was to feed our love for each other,then we started family time when we too our children and went out for]pizzas every Friday.Our children grew used to going out to eat so were very well behaved, unlike so manykids who act up like little brats 'in a restaurant.
@inu1711 (5285)
• Romania
15 Feb 12
That person was only half right. "Love must have existed before marriage" is only half of the true. The other half is "but love must survive the marriage, for all life long". That's what I wanted to say.
1 person likes this
• China
14 Feb 12
If the person who said it want to say marriage is the grave of love.For some people,maybe it is true,however he mustn't take a part for the whole.For people that love each other very much,the marriage implies that they are on the threshold of a new life.In fact,there is no need for those that take a dim view of love to get married.
1 person likes this
@Hatley (163781)
• Garden Grove, California
14 Feb 12
hik changjiangzhibin thats so true with that kind of view of love why did he or she marry to start out with. In my own marriage we worked a little to keep our love going and just to let each other no we still loved each other. we did so m any thins together and had date nights for just the two of us while my mom baby sit our little ones. we also had a f amily night every week too and our children never did misbehave in a restaur ant.adversities seemed]to draw us closer to each other and we saw our love deepen. a new life and always an adventure.We were married for 33 years.
@Hatley (163781)
• Garden Grove, California
17 Feb 12
yes I do think that for a couple who really care for each other that adversity can bring them much closer together
• China
15 Feb 12
You were really an affectionate couple that had gone through difficult times together.This is a case in point for us to refute that claim.
1 person likes this
@ravisivan (14079)
• India
14 Feb 12
According to present Indian customs after marriage we are advised to forget pre-marital relationships if any a person had. So on marriage previous love ends and a new love starts.
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@Hatley (163781)
• Garden Grove, California
17 Feb 12
hi ravi its been a l ong time she wouuld have been 52 had she lived, and mny son will be 53 in June. Yes life has never promised us that it will be all happy happy, joy joy and maybe thats wise as we wo uold not know how to appreciate the good times if we had never had some bad times.they often make us stronger and more courageous. thanks ravi
@jjzone44 (917)
• United States
14 Feb 12
Not true, and it should not be. Love does not go "in the past" when someone gets married, but the responsibilities associated with love change. Love is not a single minded emotion, and love can and does change, and it is different in situations. The love parents have for their children is different than the love they have for each other. The way that love is expressed is different as well. But what always remains the same is that love involves a commitment by the involved parties that must be honored. You actually become more responsible for the other person when you marry them, and thus love must change accordingly, but it is not in the past. The only thing in the past is the love that had supported the courtship commitment, and hopefully as the level of commitment changed with marriage, so did the love.
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@Hatley (163781)
• Garden Grove, California
17 Feb 12
hi jjzone yes it is and we sure did love one other all our marriage. the last words he spoke to me were"You will be alright, Patty Tricia as you will get my SocialSecurity ,its much larger than'yours would be." he thought only of me that last night.He was sure he was going to die, and I was pushing that away although I guess I did'know that they had told him he had not much longer to live. how you want to not believe the truth at times. lolHe used his pet name for me that last night. He seemed unafraid but he was a ver y devout Christain so he believed he was just going to a better place.
1 person likes this
@jjzone44 (917)
• United States
19 Feb 12
I was home when my grandmother passed away, and my experience was similar to what you describe. She came out of her bedroom, to the living room where my mom and I were watching TV. She stopped in the entrance way to the room, and she told us how proud of both of us that she was, and she loved us very much. She said other things, but those two things are what I remember most. She was very calm and composed when she said this, and then she went back to her room. Within moments we heard her having a difficult time breathing, and my mom went to her while I called the ambulance. She never spoke again that night, and she did not survive the ride to the hospital. I believe that people with strong faith know when they are going "hone" and they do not fear the return. They always tell us things to remember as we live on, awaiting our time to go. Bless you Hatley.
1 person likes this
@jjzone44 (917)
• United States
15 Feb 12
Hi Hatley, This person may have indeed meant that. That's the problem with words written on a screen, you can't really see the emotion of the person who is writing the words. Also intent can be lost. There is definitely a lusty kind of love that is experienced in new relationships, that changes over time. Your husband sounds like he is a very loved man, even posthumously, and you are a very loving person, that's rare these days.
1 person likes this
@enelym001 (8322)
• Philippines
14 Feb 12
Hello Hatley, I don't think that love should die once a couple got married. The reason why people got married is because they wanted to grow the love. Marriage is the most wonderful thing to happen and it is one of the ways for both of them to be more closer to each other.
1 person likes this
@enelym001 (8322)
• Philippines
15 Feb 12
Well I do wish to find my match too Your relationship with your husband is similar to my mom and dad. They are still like how they were before. Still like teens who are so sweet. My mom and dad supports and love each other so much. Suny, that maybe is because of your culture where love will only begin once the couple got married.
1 person likes this
@Hatley (163781)
• Garden Grove, California
17 Feb 12
hi enelym yet speaking of arranged marriages I remember my friends Shiv and his wife. they were Indians too. I sensed how close they were and how muh they loved each other. they had grown children a son and daughter who both had come back home to live with dad and mom.I was starteled to learn that their parents had arranged their nmarriage but I really had to laugh when S hive retorted"Ah yes our parents arrangedit but we had known wach other all our lives, and as you Americans would say,"we had the hots for each other." we all laughted at that. enelhym I am sure you will meet Rr.Right one of ]these days and you will know at once aha he is the one.
@loonys (418)
13 Feb 12
Marriage its just about living with someone whom you love but that doesn't mean that your life its going to be heaven. If a couple knows how to overcome those hard times than love its still going to be fresh.
1 person likes this
@Hatley (163781)
• Garden Grove, California
13 Feb 12
hi loonys welcome to mylot its about the ups and downs and sideways tghing and when you support each other it gets richer and deeper that love You are right when we overcome than love is stillgoing to be fresh.
• Philippines
17 Feb 12
Hello, and I would like to add some comment in this respond, your right loony its a matter of choice and to be more stronger person, past is a part of future, and being what is stored in memories lies different version of the choice have made from what you are in this present time, just think of the right things to do love is unexplainable and you can only defeat love if you are true to your self. and that is the way you'll find out that you have sacrificed to be inlove
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@loonys (418)
17 Feb 12
It all depends in the choice. However people can change,
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@gabs8513 (48686)
• United Kingdom
13 Feb 12
It is only in the past if People let it be, if they forget to keep loving respecting and just settling into a habit, this is what many People do, they forget about the Romantic Side of things, they forget to show each other how much they love each other, neglect to talk to each other and just take one another for granted then it is their fault that they have let love go and left it in the past, but it does not have to be like that and many People need to start looking at that and work on keeping the love alive
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@gabs8513 (48686)
• United Kingdom
13 Feb 12
Yes Sweet that is right, the problem today is that People are to busy working, trying to make a living that they forget to hold onto the Love they once shared, stress, no time, no money it gets to everyone and it is so sad that they can not sit together at Night after work and enjoy each other Company and enjoy their Children, People just let the Love drift away and when they turn round it is gone and to late to get it back Big hugs
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@Hatley (163781)
• Garden Grove, California
13 Feb 12
hik gabs oh wow you have said so much that is what I was thinking' but not finding the words for it. You and your mate have to work a bit at keeping that fire goind but its so worth it as you have a mate who stands behind ypu and beside you. the going gets tough but you support each other, with that support your love grows deeper the flame is now steady and you and y our mate realize it and make time'for each other inspite of your children. I mean you take a few hours for each other while a happy grandmother looks after your precious children.this is good for the children too to see parents who love each other and show it all the time. we worked at it and our love deepened and became richer over time. we never forgot to have a l ittle couple time all along the way.
1 person likes this
@blue65packer (11826)
• United States
15 Feb 12
Love does die in marriages but that usually happens over alot of years of marriage! I truely don't believe when you get married love is in the past! I think that is abunch of bullsh&t! This person should painted a bad picture and is so far form the truth for so many people! This person must of had a bad marriage and this why they put in a discussion.
1 person likes this
@shibham (16977)
• India
15 Feb 12
Hi hatley.. Love is evergreen as it was in past, is in present and will be in future. If someone think that when marriage is over, love does not survive, then i think prior to marriage the bond was just for lust, not love. Is not it? have a nice time.
• China
16 Feb 12
Love never die. For me,i think marriage like nutrition,irrigating the love seed to take root,spout and grow.
1 person likes this
• Valdosta, Georgia
15 Feb 12
My relationship has gotten stronger since we have been married. We have been through so much together and made it throughit all. I dont like valentines day because we never have the money to celebrate it but I love my husband more than anything... Maybe someone that said it just had a bad day with their spouse or something. We all say things we might not really mean when were upset. Maybe thats all itwas or I hope so anyway. Or else they have a really sad relationship... =(
1 person likes this
@Hatley (163781)
• Garden Grove, California
17 Feb 12
hi lovingMyBabies you and your husband have grown stronger because you support each other and so many never seem to learn that. It was to me so great to know that I could always depend on my husband through thick and thin. Trust and respect those are a must. I am hoping you are right and the mylotter lived on to find out marriage was great after all. if not I feel sad for them.
• Canada
14 Feb 12
I don't think that love goes in the past when you get married. Love might go in the background in your married life but it doesn't disappear. Some other things in life might take priority for a while but true love remains there forever. When you get married there are many difficulties with adjusting to your new life and or comprimising with your life situation and partner but if their is true love between the both of you then you can overcome any difficulites and lead a happy married life full of love
1 person likes this
@Hatley (163781)
• Garden Grove, California
14 Feb 12
hi mariab2000 yes you are so right if its true love you will be able to face things together and support each other. True love is unconditioonal not asking either of you to change and accepting one other as is. this is the keystone along with respect, and trust and being best friends.you must support each other through the best of times and the worst of times, if you do this your love becomes deeper and richer and calmer. You feel comfort knowing your mate will always be there and back you up.No true love goes through life happy haopy joy joy as life is real and often hands you slammers but with real love you can face them and solve them, you will be stronger and your love will draw you closer to each other. I would never have wanted to miss being married to my hubby and having tow children. sadly we lost a child when she was 8 b ut we raised a fine son.I have been widowed since 1991 but I still love him.