Gotta Fight It
By Amber
@AmbiePam (85597)
United States
April 23, 2012 6:04am CST
I don't get on Facebook much, but this morning I logged on to write something encouraging on someone's wall. I happened to see an update from my sister. And I have to say, some resentment came into my heart. She was talking about a really good event that is coming up for her and her husband, and how excited they are, and how happy they are with their lives.
So many of you know my 52 year old mother has dementia, and my sister is no way helps me or my dad. I live only 15 minutes away from my them, and my sister lives three hours away. Yet she never makes a trip up here to stay with my mom to give my dad a break despite not having a full time job. She gives music and voice lessons part time from her house to keep from getting bored- not because they need the money. She also never calls me to ask how I'm doing with everything. Because of my own physical problems and to top that watching my formerly wonderful mother suck the life out of my wonderful father. And I have been a good sister to her over the years. You may think I just believe that, but if I told you what I've done for her, how I've been there for her - you'd believe me.
If someone asks about my mom and dad, she answers they are handling it just fine. She has no idea! She never sees it with her own eyes or calls to inquire! She's always been in her own little world, and we always thought it was funny growing up.
Without a doubt I'm not jealous. I wouldn't trade places with her. She couldn't handle my life. But I do resent her somewhat and I have to fight that because it only hurts me - not her.
4 people like this
20 responses
@bunnybon7 (50973)
• Holiday, Florida
23 Apr 12
i know how you feel ambie, if you think thats something try having a daughter that is exactly that way. 
i have a daughter in ohio that treats the family the same way. she never wants to do or face anything beyond her own little perfect world. my aunt who was like a grandmother to her is dieing of cancer. all the family is keeping up with how shes doing through phone calls and on FB. she hasnt posted on FB for a long time. then right close to the posts about my aunt, she posts a pic of her new country house they are using to get out of the city for vaca days they are fixing up like new. nothing about her adopted grand, nothing about how is mom doing, etc. etc.
3 people like this
@Yestheypayme2dothis (7874)
• United States
23 Apr 12
Amber, for some reason I had not been receiving my Mylot notices for a long, long time. And I don't get to Mylot as often as I did. Now the Mylot notices are coming like clockwork. Remember, I was the one who tried to get you to sign up for Facebook. I had no idea you finally got a Facebook account!!!! I am so excited. Please send me your name for Facebook so I can friend you.
Your sister (in my humble opinion) has always been someone out for herself. At this point in her life, she is not going to change. It's a shame because, she is in her own little world. I wonder if anyone else sees it. They must, right? How you have survived having her as a sister, I don't know. I do agree that you must fight your resentment because she is not hurt by it. You are. However, that is easier said than done. You can pray about it. That will be your biggest help, and I will, too. Please don't forget to write to my Mylot account so I can add you to my Facebook account.
@sarahruthbeth22 (43143)
• United States
23 Apr 12
If she was detached as a little girl, what made you think she would change now? She lives three hours away for a reason. I mean if she were going to be there for you and your dad , she would have moved back in town. So please don't give her any more thought. Or should I say it this way, Give her Just as much thought as she gives you.
2 people like this
@sarahruthbeth22 (43143)
• United States
23 Apr 12
How is your head. Please tell me your sister didn't give you a migraine!
2 people like this
@carmelanirel (20942)
• United States
23 Apr 12
I don't remember, but your sister, does she have children? Because if she did, one way to know the truth is to watch her children's page. My sister would put up stuff, (this is the sister that attacked me and caused me to remake another profile, and ironically the problem was all her and not her religion, because I have other Christians on my page who I am very close to), yet when I went to one of her daughters pages, wow, her little "everything is going great" post sure does conflict with her daughter's..
I think sometimes people just post the positive parts of their life, even to the point of lying. Though I don't necessarily hang out my dirty laundry, there are times I post up that I am struggling with something.
I am sorry what she is doing too, by not helping your parents, but you do know that in the end, you both will get your rewards? Not that I would flaunt that in the open, but G♥d knows what you are doing and trust me, it will be worth it..
I think sometimes people just post the positive parts of their life, even to the point of lying. Though I don't necessarily hang out my dirty laundry, there are times I post up that I am struggling with something.
I am sorry what she is doing too, by not helping your parents, but you do know that in the end, you both will get your rewards? Not that I would flaunt that in the open, but G♥d knows what you are doing and trust me, it will be worth it..@carmelanirel (20942)
• United States
23 Apr 12
Oh, I keep forgetting how young you are. Well my sister being over 12 years older than I, she has many children and some who are not happy with her and yet she judges me...
Anyway, I don't know what to tell you other than the last part, where everyone will get what is coming to them, whether good or bad..
Anyway, I don't know what to tell you other than the last part, where everyone will get what is coming to them, whether good or bad..2 people like this
@jazel_juan (15747)
• Philippines
23 Apr 12
You badly need hugs right not AmbiePam, we cannot tell how other people's mind works...sometimes they are all sucked into their own lives that they cannot see how other people are doing.
Maybe what your sister is trying to make you see is just a facade? maybe she cannot handle your mom having dementia as it hurts her too... that is why she is putting this gap between you and her. Looking at the person you love loosing the life out of her while she is still alive must hurts like hell AmbiePam but i do not think she wants you to feel resentment towards your sister. Why not reach out to her first? then tell her what is really going on, maybe invite her for dinner over at your parents?
hope things will work out best 2 people like this
@AmbiePam (85597)
• United States
23 Apr 12
These are good points. But while I know it hurts her too, I think, so pitch in like I do. I mean, it hurts me, and I still do what I do. As for inviting her to dinner. We see them every holiday and on her birthday, and sometimes for mine. I'll never forget a couple years ago I went back to my apartment, and my dad went out while my sister watched my mom. The next day she cornered me and told me she had no idea how bad she was until she saw it with her own eyes.
And over the years my mom has just gotten worse. And Mindy (my sister) knows this. And if she can't pitch in, can she at least call or e-mail me to let me know she supports us? Or that she's thankful that I'm there when she's not? I must sound like I want a pat on the back. I don't. I owe my parents. I'm glad to help. I just wish she recognized how much it costs me to bear this burden alone.
1 person likes this
@jazel_juan (15747)
• Philippines
24 Apr 12
maybe she isn't like you, she cannot cope with it.. 
2 people like this
@cynthiann (18602)
• Jamaica
23 Apr 12
I've read your posts before that have mentioned your selfish sister. She is truly selfish. I am always amazed that in a family the children are brought up in the same way by the same parents with the same love and care yet one is just so different that you wonder if a cuckoo was around at birth.
I do not think that she will change and she is selective in her thinking when she says that you are all managing well. I am sure that you have always been there for her but she does not care. She is just so into herself. I pity her really as she does not have a wondeful friendship with you - her sister. and you are a wonderful person.
right now, it is (pm and my sister is long drunk. Nota nice happy drunk but I recognise she has a problem and is not going to change. she will not give up drunk. Soon I will make an excuse to get to bed as she may turn nasty. But in spite of all her controlling ways and her wealth, I feel sorry for her as she is an unhappy person. forgive her Ambie - even though she knows what she does
2 people like this
@Thoroughrob (11742)
• United States
23 Apr 12
I am sorry you have to read something like that. It is a shame that she is not there for your parents. Although it is her loss. Just because she posts that things are great does not mean that they really are. She may be trying to convince herself.
2 people like this
@GardenGerty (157598)
• United States
24 Apr 12
Your last sentence sums it up completely. I have a cousin like that that believes that the whole world is about her. In fact many people in my family have that attitude. I think Facebook might be a good place for you to avoid most of the time. Some people get earthly rewards, others are good and faithful servants with rich rewards in heaven. However, my friend, I wish I could throw a little fun your way.
@Mirita (2668)
• United States
23 Apr 12
Is not good to keep all these feelings to yourself. Is time to share and ventilate your feelings to her in order to stop the resentment that keeps on growing. To be honest with you some people see things completely different than others. Maybe she just lives in her own world and does not understand the burden that you and your father have at this time with the illness of your mom. I really don't think that she is doing this on purpose ,and it might be a good time now to explain to her that your dad and you really need help with mom.
2 people like this
@AmbiePam (85597)
• United States
25 Apr 12
It's funny that you say that. Because that is exactly what I did about a month and a half ago. She got irate and we didn't speak or e-mail for three weeks. I was determined not to be the one who broke the silence because I'm always the peacemaker. I'm always the one who gets walked all over. This time, she gave in and contacted me. However, she prefers to just act like nothing happened. She didn't change.
@3SnuggleBunnies (16374)
• United States
24 Apr 12
You know what, I know it hurts you greatly. But you gotta remember you will be the one people know they can count on not her. Maybe being so far away is her way of not having to deal with things? Sometimes people live in denial and pretend if they don't deal with it, it's not really happening.
2 people like this
@macdingolinger (10386)
• United States
23 Apr 12
I can't say i completely understand - but in some ways I do. I am a full time caregiver for my son who was injured in an automobile accident. I moved him back to Oklahoma so family could "help"... one of my sisters helps some but I have been in my apartment for 2 years now and you know how many times my brother has come to see us? Absolutely zero! I have trouble with resentment sometimes because there was a short time (it seemed long then) that I was homebound and had to almost beg for someone to come so I could get out.. he doesn't offer anything at all. I guess maybe some family members just can't (or won't) step up to help others out... sad isn't it?
@macdingolinger (10386)
• United States
24 Apr 12
My son sustained a traumatic brain injury and still needs total care. He cannot do anything for himself yet - although he is slowly improving each and every day. I am single and provide all of his care. I do have a sister and a friend who help some and I have two aids that come most weekdays to help out some too.
2 people like this
@shylade (3132)
• Philippines
24 Apr 12
hello AmbiePam!
the way you feel is just normal because how in a world can she be that happy when she knows what is going on with her parents. but give her the benefit of the doubt since you said you are not communicating with her that much. maybe she has her why despite of what is going on, she still manages to talk about a good event.
2 people like this
@thechans (79)
• United States
24 Apr 12
Some people are naturally caring and sounds like you are one of those people. Maybe your sister can't handle it and this is her way of dealing with it. I believe that good things happen to good people. I believe in Karma. The fact that you help your parents shows that you are an unselfish person. I don't know how religious you are, but I think God sees everything and he knows who the good people are. Find peace knowing that you are doing the right thing.
1 person likes this
@Suebee (2013)
• Canada
23 Apr 12
Everyone is different and handles every situation differently. You sound as though, even tho you say you would never trade places, you are a tad bitter. As long as you are happy with what YOU are doing and the way in which YOU are living your life that is all that matters. YOU do what you feel is right in YOUR heart, and leave your sister to do the same.
1 person likes this
@AmbiePam (85597)
• United States
25 Apr 12
I can see how I would sound bitter. I was on disability by the age of 25, have had multiple surgeries because of a car accident when I was 18, and had to drop out of college because of my health. Then, my fairly young mother looses her mind. It isn't that fact that my sister doesn't help, it's that she never calls or e-mails or does anything supportive. I question what kind of daughter I've been, although my parents say I've been a good daughter. But I've never questioned what kind of sister I've been. I've been unbelievably good to her, and have gotten nothing but a slap in the face. The lack of support is what makes me bitter at times. She's selfish, and I just have to face the fact that that will never change. I'm so used to defending her that I ought to just cut that out and face facts.
@Suebee (2013)
• Canada
25 Apr 12
It appears that you have had a lot to deal with in your young life. You must be a very strong person! The old saying that "whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger" seems to apply to your situation. Your sister is gonna do what she's gonna do and I don't think anybody is gonna change that. Just think of how hard it is to change yourself let alone somebody else! You sound like you are a wonderful daughter and sister and your family should be very grateful for having you in their lives.
1 person likes this
@ladygator (3465)
• United States
25 Apr 12
Hi Ambie! I hope that you are feeling better today as this was written a day ago. I think that its such a tough thing when our loved ones begin to depreciate with age. It makes it very challenging to care for them once this happens. I do know this because my grandmother has taken this turn. And my mom and uncle and his wife take care of her. Its a very draining position to be in. I dont know what to say about the behavior of your sister, but I think that you are right to work on fighting the resentment because you are right. It will hurt you. I know that sometimes it can be very hard for people to see the ones that were once strong take that turn.
@betlynfrnds (4066)
• United States
24 Apr 12
I'm so sorry, AmbiePam, for what you are going through. It really is so very unfair for one family member to bear all the responsibility to care for our loved ones needs.
Both of my parents are quite youthfully challanged, as I put it. My mother has alzheimers and osteo-perosis. My father has a serious heart condition. Thankfully my brother who lives close by and I are here and he has been a great help. We now have someone that I basically hired to be their care taker as well.
I have 2 more brothers that are also supportive. Every bit helps that's for sure. I can't even begin to imagine trying to do this alone. I'm having a hard enough time with all the support that I do get.
I feel for you Ambie and I hope that you can find all the strength that you need. 
1 person likes this
@Hatley (163781)
• Garden Grove, California
24 Apr 12
hi ambiepam I think there are a few ion other families on mylot a
lot like your sister. they always let the one who cares the most take care of mom or dad, and then brag how kind they are if they send some little thing to the ailing parent. they always make me want to reach through my monitor and grab that uncaring person and give them a good shake.Did your sister ever think to ask you if you would like to be spelled once in awhile as a caregiver? What does your dad think of how your sister behaves? I know how a senile per son can work on you. sometimes I go down stairs and do not tell kathy I am going just to get a way for a short time. she resents my using my computer as she thinks she can use it and that it is something free. hard to make her understand some things.I know you are a good sister bu t whats with her, your mom is still her mom too has she no feelings towards mom that she will not help out occasionally?Does her husband ever ask about his mom in law?they seem very uncaring which is a sham/
/
@katsmeow1213 (28717)
• United States
23 Apr 12
Do you know that you can hide her status updates without actually unfriending her? If you hover around the right top corner of her post you'll see a little drop down arrow and you'll have a few options listed there for hiding those things from your news feed, if you want to.
My sister in law texted hubby yesterday to let him know she planned the in-law's memorial on May 12. That happens to be my birthday, the day before my son's birthday, and of course the day before Mother's day. I could be nice and assume she forgot when my birthday is, considering she hasn't been invited to help us celebrate it in probably about 10 years.. but still I was quite upset that she'd go and plan it on that day without checking with us first. I also figured that when hubby told her what day it was she'd give him a big problem saying his parents should come first, blah blah blah. She actually didn't and agreed to try to change it to the following weekend instead.
1 person likes this
@RitterSport (2451)
• Lippstadt, Germany
28 Apr 12
hi dear Ambie first of all let me tell you that you dont have to have a bad conscience just for feeling like you do. Would feel resentment too if I were in your shoes with all I know about your situation.
I think you are a hero of modern days caring for your mom like you do when everyone else would just say, all right I am disabled so I cant do that and take this responsibility on my shoulders. And I am sure God sees your struggles.Yeah it may not help knowing this...... thinking and how does God show he cares about me and the heartbreak happening in my life and my parents lives as well.
You know what to do if you need to vent....... hugs to you...... wish I could be there in person to help you out some.
@livefree246 (18)
• United States
25 Apr 12
Ambiepam,
I understand resentment. I too am working through resentment issues. I don't know why I am so angry and resentful. Your situation is more obvious. You want to share with your sister a common ground in regards to your parents. Your sister is the only one who could share your perspective. Actually, you are the only one responsible for your perspective. You are judging your parents relationship and their relationship is their responsibility just like your relationship with your sister is your responsibility. you are in charge. Not the outer circumstances that you perceive.
good luck and live free...
