Should the Wife know how much the Husband is making? (and vice versa)
By laydee
@laydee (12798)
Philippines
June 25, 2012 3:49am CST
I was talking to my friend earlier and we came into discussing about another friend of ours who has troubles with her husband because of financials these days. They have been married for around 13 years now and have 3 children.
The wife is a stay-at-home mom who was actually an architect but opted not to work or have a career because of the husband's wishes. The husband works abroad as a seafarer for several years. She was complaining a lot about her difficulty keeping the budget because the husband cannot send fixed amounts of money and said that she never knew how much he was making in the first place.
Now, we thought it was odd that she didn't know how much the husband was making and thought that she shouldn't be having these sorts of problems because he's been at sea for a long time now and they're known to have good earnings.
Then when she finally asked him about such stuff, he tore the payslip to pieces and claimed that she didn't trust him that's why she was asking such nonsense.
Anyhow, my question now is, should the wife know how much the husband is making? or should husband and wife know how much the other is making? Do you know how much your partner is making and does he/she know how much you're making?
What are your thoughts on the matter?
Have a great MyLot experience ahead!
4 people like this
32 responses
@xmichelletarax (370)
• United States
25 Jun 12
i know how much my fiance makes. i cant work due to a disability but he has no problem telling me how much he makes, as far as he is concerned his money is my money, he makes the money, sets like 40$ a week aside for himself and gives me the rest to pay the bills.
i do find it odd that he would react like that.
now my father and step mother are completely different from me. they are both nurses and make around $2,800 biweekly. my step mother does not pay any bills, they almost had their house foreclosed on because she claimed to be paying the mortgage but really wasnt. she demands to know where every cent of my fathers money goes but he has no idea where hers goes and when he asks she freaks out on him.
3 people like this
@laydee (12798)
• Philippines
4 Jul 12
Any idea why your stepmother freaks out every time your father asks where her money is? I don't think she's supporting another family, do you think?
I think what you and your fiance have is something good, I just hope that it doesn't end there while you're still planning on marriage. I could remember that they were the best of friends prior to marriage. I guess they both took each other for granted over the years and thought that they were okay when they aren't. I am sad for my friend but I am more sad for the kids who are still young.
Have a great MyLot experience ahead!
@Graceekwenx (3160)
• Philippines
25 Jun 12
I am not married but in my humble opinion, i think wifey should know how much her husband is making. The reason for this is to gauge their expenses. Now that youve mentioned hubby being disappointed when asked, i think he is hiding something. Furthermore, the money that he has been giving to his wife should at least be consistent.
3 people like this
@laydee (12798)
• Philippines
4 Jul 12
True enough! The money he sends is never consistent and is far from how much a regular seafarer is earning. He's been a seafarer for the last 13 years and yet the amount he's giving her is the same (or almost) as the first time he was at sea.
There really is something fishy, and I think she's discovering it little by little. I'm just sad for the family.
Have a great MyLot experience ahead!
@GemmaR (8517)
•
25 Jun 12
I don't think that there should be any need for secrets in a relationship, because if you're married then that means that you're supposed to be working as a team and not keeping money from each other. I would always tell my partner how much I was earning, because I believe that it is very important for him to know about it. I would never really ask him exactly how much he's earning, as I do have a rough idea, but I trust him and I don't really mind how much money he's bringing home as long as we can afford to pay the bills and everything like that.
2 people like this
@laydee (12798)
• Philippines
26 Jun 12
Good point! I don't think it's about 'monitoring' the earnings of the husband, but rather just knowing how much should be included in the budget. It was really fishy for me that he was furious when she asked about it and it was also weird for me that she never knew how much he was earning when they've been married for a long time and they were 'best friends' before marriage.
I guess this shows that relationships do change but we always have the chance to rekindle it, only if we don't give up easily.
Thanks for the points!
@sishy7 (27169)
• Australia
25 Jun 12
I think she has every right to know how much her husband is making. I don't know, couple with different situations have different arrangements when they get married.
I suppose if they stick to their pre-nuptial agreement, then it would be good even if it means "his money is his and her money is hers" or something like that.
If they don't have such agreement, then it is fair enough to honestly share everything between a husband and a wife including their financial situation.
@laydee (12798)
• Philippines
26 Jun 12
As far as I recall, my friend said that our friend said that when she asked about his payslip, he was furious and tore up the payslip to pieces in front of her face. I don't think she saw what was inside because he tore it up finely.
I too guess that he's doing something wrong, which is why he was defensive when she merely asked - take note, they were not fighting yet, she just asked.
@laydee (12798)
• Philippines
25 Jun 12
I just didn't know why it started out that way. She says that she never asked him how much he earned and never thought of it till now. It's just weird for me. But now that her eyes have been opened and she asked, I think the husband thought of it as an insult. But I think it's just an excuse, I think he's hiding something.
2 people like this
@sharonla (25)
• South Africa
25 Jun 12
Reading your post, the one thing that really stands out to me is the way the husband reacted to her question. Sounds to me like he has something he is trying to hide from his wife...
I think especially in this situation the wife should know as she is expected to keep the household running and I can only imagine how difficult this would be without knowing what money is coming in.
2 people like this
@laydee (12798)
• Philippines
25 Jun 12
I strongly agree that I think he's trying to hide something. There are a lot of occasions when she said that they fight because of money even if he just came home (which is weird because most would be buying stuff that time).
I definitely think he's cheating or doing something with his money. I just hate the fact that she was treated that way.
True. How does one make a budget when one doesn't know where to begin with? Whew!
1 person likes this
@LetranKnight25 (33121)
• Philippines
25 Jun 12
That is so not fair to the wife because she has a good career and just gave it up because of hubby? no. I know and understand what sharonla is saying here, because if the hubby is aware that wife doesn't know how much, he can do it to something else. he might be dating another woman there for all i know
.
.2 people like this
@laydee (12798)
• Philippines
26 Jun 12
Exactly what I think @LetranKnight25. I guess wives should demand these things rather just waiting for what is given to them. She gave up something for the family, the guy must give up his 'privacy' in terms of financials for their family.
Thanks for the response!
@Gautam1002 (730)
• India
25 Jun 12
well...i wish to answer your doubt with the best of my experience dear. I m not married yet. I do not think i will have any issues with my wife(future wife offcourse!!!) taking account of my salary. Infact despite of "ladies" being more indulged in shopping then men are, i strongly feel a woman can manage a sum of money much more than a man considering her family sense and family management. As far as trust is concerned,there is no point doubting your wife if she wants to know how and what her husband earns. You need to believe your wife and more often than not should strongly support her for the same.
That is all from my side. I tried to put all that i could extract from my life account.
2 people like this
@laydee (12798)
• Philippines
26 Jun 12
I believe most people, even men, would think that the wife does have the right to know these things. However, I am thinking that there is indeed something going on which is the root of his anger and tearing up the payslip to her face.
I don't think anyone who's not hiding anything would do such action.
It is good that you know now (even before marriage) that it's important to work together and be partners - and to let your partner know all about you including the earnings because, as you say, the wife has better judgement with money matters because she manages the home.
Thanks for the response!
@katcarneo (1433)
• Philippines
25 Jun 12
I am not married but I am living together with my partner. We know how much each other makes. I don't see the need to hide. I am also thinking about reasons why your friend's husband would react so negatively. Perhaps he doesn't like the idea of the many jokes regarding husbands surrendering all their earnings to their wives? In movies we see such comic situations wherein every payday the husband comes home to the wife with her palms open, ready to take his earnings from him. Your friend should probably list down all the household expenses, including her personal needs, so that the husband can see how things are spent, and he can allot a regular household budget. I guess it is really hard to be a woman without any personal income because we all have personal needs. Her husband wanted her to be a housewife so he should give her a regular allowance for personal needs as well.
I think it is important for partners to work together on all things---including budgeting. It is important to be honest about all things. They say if there is something you are doing that you can't tell your partner, chances are, it's wrong.
2 people like this
@cher913 (25782)
• Canada
25 Jun 12
if you love each other, why wouldn't you trust them? however, in saying that, although my hubby pays most of our bills, i know how much (or how little, actually) he makes. we have no secrets between us. i don't understand what the big deal was with the hubby. clearly he WAS trying to hide something!
2 people like this
@jazel_juan (15747)
• Philippines
25 Jun 12
Yes the wife has the right to know how much the husband is earning, my brother is also a seafarer and i tell you he is making big money but then again since he is into gambling nothing is left of it sad to say.. therefore your friend needs to find out how much he is earning. But i cannot understand why the amount is not fixed? as far as i know if the husband did put her as her number 1 allotee therefore a percentage of the salary goes to her, but then again the husband has the right to not to put any allottee thus the wife is not getting the fixed amount monthly.
I also know they are earning big as their over time is also being paid, they have the right amount of food and necessities, they do not have anything to spend for unless they are docked in a country and go on shopping...
1 person likes this
@laydee (12798)
• Philippines
25 Jun 12
That was something that my friend asked our other friend about. The couple were best friends before they got married, but somehow now, she could no longer talk to him like before. It's sad really.
I know for a fact that they do have a lot of benefits and as you said, allotments. I just don't know what happened that made things change. But I definitely am thinking that this guy has another family somewhere else. It's sad.
But we're telling her now that she should put her foot down and demand that he do something about their finances. I think they're going to separate now but I am sure that she's going to demand money for her kids.
1 person likes this
@laydee (12798)
• Philippines
26 Jun 12
She asked her if the guy is gambling, or how is his 'ways' when he's home. She said that unlike any other seafarer, he doesn't celebrate his homecoming with friends, no drinking, no parties. But she noticed that he's really tight with money.
Whew! Tough not to think that there's another family he's supporting!
@jazel_juan (15747)
• Philippines
26 Jun 12
Yes it is a terrible thing but it is sadder if they would separate unless the husband will change his ways. The thing is, distance can really create a barrier unless a solution is done, my brother tells me that from all the loneliness they do feel there it can create some devoid and a hole inside unless you are strong..
her husband might have other reasons too, i hope not another family. unless the guy is into gambling too..
1 person likes this
@LetranKnight25 (33121)
• Philippines
25 Jun 12
Hello laydee, I think the guy is sensitive and didn't like the idea of being asked about his salary. he must be afraid that wife would set a plan on which percentage will she get from his salary so that what would remain will only be his daily expenses. though, i would have thought at first that he's having an affair. but of course, maybe he also wants to save and give the rest to his wife.
there's trust issues here, at least let the wife know what kind of expenses he is dealing with just to know which is to give or not. I can't believe he tore up a check because of that question. I can't maybe because they need save a lot.
2 people like this
@shello (964)
• United Arab Emirates
25 Jun 12
Hi Laydee. I have been married for almost five years now and have a one year old daughter. Married life is not easy but thanks to God we did not have such encounter as what happened to your friend.
Of course,in my perspective, it is the responsibility of the husband to let her wife know how much is he earning and at the same time the wife should take a record of all the expenses and let it be known to his husband as well. That way, both of them will have a clear view of their financial status. Then, financial arguments and discussions can be avoided.
My husband is giving me all of his earning every month. In return, I'm giving him his monthly allowance in return. That works for us maybe it will work for them too.
Best of luck to your friend.
2 people like this
@laydee (12798)
• Philippines
25 Jun 12
That is the standard and I think that is what should happen in a marriage. Even if the husband doesn't give his full earnings, the wife should at least know how much he earns and where the money goes, right?
I truly found it odd that she didn't know this information. But well, we never know what happens between them both. But I just hope that they could find their way back to how they first fell in love and decided to be together.
I hope that nobody ever experiences these sorts of stuff. But it's a fact that most of the marriages break because of financials. Sigh!
Have a great MyLot experience ahead!
1 person likes this
@randylovesdar (4932)
• United States
25 Jun 12
I find that odd as well. I know when Randy and I were engaged we started discussing finances and also got copies of our credit reports. We felt it was important to know what we owed on our credit cards before we got married and to try our best to pay some off before the wedding. randy is not working now because of his health and therefore he does not make much. I had worked before we got married and I always told him how much I made. I always tell him what I make online and we take turns using the money from paypal. I am now using it for tickets to a Dodger Game for his birthday. I think that it is odd that the wife has no idea how much the husband makes and I know if I were in her shoes my first thought would be does he have another wife and family to support.
2 people like this
@laydee (12798)
• Philippines
25 Jun 12
True! I mean, it doesn't need to be big as long as the husband and wife has open communications about their finances. I mean, it's awkward for friends to be discussing this but this is different - they're married and are considered as one.
I think she didn't really ask him before because he would always provide. My other friends says that perhaps it's because she never experienced living a tight budget before because she came from a rich family, but still why didn't she ask about these things when they got married?
Whew! I would never know that answers to my question, but I just hope that they could find a way to find themselves again.
Thanks for sharing! All the best!
1 person likes this
@allknowing (130064)
• India
25 Jun 12
It speaks volumes about a relationship when there is transparency and this includes letting each other know how much they earn.
2 people like this
@asdomencil (4265)
• Philippines
26 Jun 12
I think yes it really needs to know the salary of the couples. It should be opened to both couples. This is important for the budgeting for the family. However, money should not be considered as reason for misunderstanding of the couples. This is a bad reason for such quarrel.
2 people like this
@MsTickle (25180)
• Australia
7 Jul 12
I think it's wrong for this sort of thing to happen. To me this guy is leading a double life. He has a family yet he is obviously living as a single man while he is away.
He could be cheating or gambling or both. We will never know what his story is but it just sounds like he is hiding something from his wife. I think a lot of sailors are untrue to their wives. I really hope she can get back to work. She needs to regain the confidence that being married to this man has stripped from her. He is a selfish, thoughtless, unappreciative ratbag in my opinion.,
@laydee (12798)
• Philippines
8 Jul 12
Yeah, she's re-learning to stand in her own two feet again. It's just sad that she has given up something but he isn't ready to give up being single or leading a single-man's life.
I think she can make it well, she's a strong person.
Thanks for the response. Have a great MyLot experience ahead!
@bellis716 (4799)
• United States
27 Jun 12
My husband is the one who does not know how much money we have in the bank . We have direct deposit, and he can never remember how much money with either of us draws. I keep the checkbook because I can keep it straight, and he can't. Your friend should have her husband make out an allotment to her so that she can make a budget and stick to it.
1 person likes this
@laydee (12798)
• Philippines
29 Jun 12
We were talking about the allotment thing because the other seafarers I know have this type of option where part of the money or income goes directly to the wife. Some said that perhaps it's because he opted not to do that - which is fishy because why wouldn't a husband do that to the wife with kids?
I have a strong feeling that he has another family or is supporting something or someone else. It's indeed sad. I have yet to hear her words about the matter.
Thanks for the thoughts! Have a great MyLot experience ahead!
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
27 Jun 12
For budgeting purposes, I think that it is a very important thing to know what the total household income is in a family. For example, I'm currently a stay-at-home mother and my husband works full time outside the house. I know what he makes every week and this is something that is very important because of the fact that I am the one in our house that is responsible for making sure that the bills are paid.
Now, if I wasn't the one paying all of the bills, I don't think that it would be necessary to know exactly how much money my husband was making as long as the bills and basic needs in our household were met.
1 person likes this
@laydee (12798)
• Philippines
29 Jun 12
Yeah. I think as a housewife, you do need to at least know if the bills would be met and other expenses could be covered. It's tough to do a budget on things if you don't know how much the source of income is.
Thanks for the thoughts! Have a great MyLot experience ahead!
@sharryCD (121)
• China
29 Jun 12
Hi,although i am not married yet, i agree wife and husband should have a open communication about their finance, esp. when the women is a housewife. She spends all her time and energy in taking care of the family and children instead of finding a job and making monkey. Therefore, it is natural for the man to let her know how much money he can earn each month.
Maybe girls in my city is much luckier. I am in Chengdu, China, where most husbands will give his card(the one which his salary is kept)to his wife and only leave some money for himself. He gives all that he earns to his wife as a way to show love and trust. Isn't it great to have a Chengdu husband? lol~~
Have a nice weekend.
1 person likes this
@gottasayit74 (99)
• Canada
26 Jun 12
Of course they should know how much each of them makes!! Especially if you are married! If each other doesn't know.. Then someone is hiding something! Marriage is about sharing everything... If they cant do that then they shouldnt be married! Its not 1920!
1 person likes this
