I Now Pronouce You someone else!?

United States
September 29, 2012 6:20pm CST
I just saw this as a title of a book by Erin McCahan and it made me wonder. How many people completely change after getting married. I do not mean they get better , more mature and happier . I mean they go from nice to be with to a nightmare! I knew at a very young age that I should Never marry. At the time all I could say is no, it isn't for me. Now I can explain it better. I know I would completely change. Resentment would grow and grow and I would become petty and mean. All this made me wonder. Is it common for people to completely change for the worse after marriage? Your thoughts.
7 people like this
12 responses
@jillhill (37379)
• United States
30 Sep 12
My son is getting a divorce...and he is dating a very nice woman. He is finally getting back to his old self again....during the marriage he was rejected by her physically and he basically did nothing right...so he got so defensive that it was unreal....now he's finally getting back to his old self and I am so happy he is rid of the crap he had to put up with!
4 people like this
• United States
30 Sep 12
His soon to be ex sounds like me, married. Nothing he could do would please her because she isn't happy period. She blamed him when she should have Never gotten married! I'm so glad he is happy now.
1 person likes this
@mommyboo (13198)
• United States
30 Sep 12
It's really frustrating when you can do nothing right. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.... it's a losing battle and usually means the person wasn't the right one lol.
2 people like this
• United States
1 Oct 12
Exactly! Or they shouldn't have married!I know for my guy right now I'm " perfect" but if I were to marry him, that would change real quick.
@mommyboo (13198)
• United States
30 Sep 12
Well some people do... you know... like the ones you hear about on Dateline who went on a rampage and killed 7 people, including a fiancee or wife, a couple kids.... or went to work one day and suddenly shot up their coworkers. OR... they were such a nice lady, pillar in their community, headed service projects, the charity dance - and then 5 years later the town is rocked because they find out she poisoned her husband and drowned her baby. I don't know why this happens.... 90% of the time lesser issues that lead to couples splitting or leaving might be just because they weren't really compatible and didn't get together/stay together because they were actually good friends AND in love with each other. People get together/stay together for all sorts of really weird and inappropriate (in my opinion) reasons, and they include arrangements, interference by family, interference by friends, abuse and control factors, fear of being alone, money issues, children, medical problems, etc. In a perfect world, people would only be together/stay together because they were in love and the other factors wouldn't even play into it. Of course, even if you're in love with someone, they COULD still conceivably go nuts, but you have no control over that, any more than you have over whether they get sick, run over by a car, or have a heart attack. My ex was a great guy when I met him. He was fine for over 6 years. When he went nuts, I figured I didn't want the rest of my life to be 2 weeks of hell so.... hence why he's my ex and I haven't spoken to him in over 10 years lol.
3 people like this
@mommyboo (13198)
• United States
30 Sep 12
I think you are wise. I was just talking to a friend about this today - about stupid men actually, and I told her I'd rather be alone than with a stupid man. I don't want any men to take offense to that statement, it's kind of tongue in cheek - but stupid covers a multitude of sins here.... controlling, chauvinistic, garden variety stupid as in not intelligent, completely different goals in/for life, no sense of humor, inability to take care of himself (health problems, financial ruin, etc etc). It's a pretty big umbrella of crap lol. As far as money and divorce, my advice to anybody facing it could go one of two ways. If you honestly don't NEED them or any support they could be forced to provide, tell your attorney you want NOTHING. Tell them all you want is to be completely separated from that person so you do not have to stay in touch to receive alimony, child support, income from property or business, etc. If you DO need them because they owe you alimony and child support (because you have full physical custody of the kids) and you can't make it without that money and support, then take everything you can get. You don't have to be nasty about it unless you are forced to, but I've told friends who get backed into a corner by their ex's attorney that they need to start punching back, and ask for much MORE than you need, that way you will probably GET what you need and your kids won't suffer.
2 people like this
@mommyboo (13198)
• United States
14 Oct 12
You are so funny I make jokes all the time that it's a good idea my husband is my husband and not my boyfriend. If I had a boyfriend, he would end up chopped and frozen or something lol.
1 person likes this
• United States
16 Oct 12
Woo! You needed to marry. Me I Need Not to marry.
@bagarad (13968)
• Paso Robles, California
30 Sep 12
For me the question is whether the person was really who he or she was when they were in a pre-marriage relationship (dating, living together, whatever.) In dating situations, people tend to bend a lot more to what the other person wants because they are afraid to assert themselves and what they want for fear the other person will break the relationship. Then, after they marry, they gradually move back to who they really were before. That's one answer. The other answer is that some people are simply blind to the faults of the other because they are in love with love -- not the person they have decided to associate with their love. After they get married, somehow their eyes are opened to all they were blind to before and they think the other person changed. Then they become disillusioned with both love and marriage and may get bitter.
• United States
30 Sep 12
So... I was lucky. How? As a child I Never changed who I was. I never fit in and I never tried to. I assumed no one was for me so I just remained myself at all times. So when my guy met me I was the real me. He got to see the Real me. Somehow he fell for me, not the act I put on! I assumed he would leave , so I didn't bend!So that is why he knows what I am like! Plus having all this time to know myself and how I would react to things I can say I should Never marry. The nice Sarah would die. All those traits he likes would fade away and a bitter Sarah would emerge!
@mommyboo (13198)
• United States
30 Sep 12
So you have a guy and just should never marry him? I actually applaud that stance, with all the divorces in hollywood, there are several couples who have been together for years and years.... my guess is their secret is they have been couples but never got married.
1 person likes this
• United States
1 Oct 12
And they have complete understanding of one another. My guy likes and loves me as Is. Why would I f@ck it up with marriage?
@ShyBear88 (27245)
• United States
30 Sep 12
I think it can go either way a person can change for the worse or get better after getting married. It all really depends on that person although some times other factors push them to change in either direction. For me and my husband I think what changes if any has been for the better and not the worse. Some people hide who they really are till after they get married and are comfortable to show there true colors and most of the time those are people that are abusers that do that.
2 people like this
• United States
30 Sep 12
I would expect to change for the worse. As Sarah I get to be my true self. As someone's wife I would have to act like someone else, and that's where the resentment would set in. I think acting one way then changing after marriage is not fair!
@ShyBear88 (27245)
• United States
1 Oct 12
I agree acting one way and changing after marriage isn't fair at all. But if a person changes because they want to then it's fair because they where the one to do the change no one forced them or made them they did it on there own.
1 person likes this
• United States
2 Oct 12
I agree. If a person decides to change that is completely different. I have heard of a spouse changes and thr other does not and the marriage ends. All say " They grew apart." I think that is so sad.
@inertia4 (27931)
• United States
2 Oct 12
Well I have witnessed this first hand. I thought that I was the marrying type. Maybe I was. But I have witnessed the evil ex go from a nice sweet innocent girl to this sneaky, cheating, money grubbing bit@h. It is sick how people change. I have never changed all my life. I only know how to be me. No matter who I am with I am who I am. If she felt that she could not be married to me, she should have left way before the kids were born. So it would have been nice if someone in my past told me not to marry. Or if I had a better insight. I have major resentment. And I will take that to the grave with me.
1 person likes this
• United States
3 Oct 12
I understand. I didn't mean to upset you with this post. Forgive me.
1 person likes this
@inertia4 (27931)
• United States
3 Oct 12
You didn't upset me. It is an unfortunate situation for me. I made a fatal mistake with her when in fact I should have just interfered in my cousins relationship and took T. But that was not me, still isn't me and I never pursued her. But looking back, knowing my cousin would have two timed me, and he actually did a few years before T ever came around. But I did not believe in stepping on toes. Thats my fault, my mistake. I guess nice guys really do finish last. Well, now is now. Nothing I can do about the past.
1 person likes this
• United States
7 Oct 12
If you had " stolen" T away, you two wouldn't have worked. Why? You would feel too guilty to have it work. You did the noble thing and that's you! The Brooklyn T fell for! So just be happy now. You two are together.
1 person likes this
@Paper_Doll (2375)
• Philippines
30 Sep 12
Hi, I have read this quotation from Doug Larson the other day which says that "more marriages might survive if the partners realized that sometimes the better comes after the worse". This can be really true to many. What happens to some marriages are they don't realized that they are on the adjustment period which may take years. This is very true to my case. I am a newly wed and thought that everything did change after the marriage. Upon talking to my husband, he told me that I too have change so much. That was the time we have told each other why we became like this and why things turn this way. But talking to each other does not really solve the problem, it takes a lot of maturity to accept things that we can't seem to understand. We have learned to ask and know first his motives/reasons for doing or acting this way. That way, we have avoided so many fights lately. We still have to understand that even though we're a couple, we're still people with individual and different personalities. I don't when this adjustment period will end but I am really motivated with this quote by Larson that the better comes after the worse. This made me help me to hold on to my marriage no matter how hard things may be.
• United States
30 Sep 12
I wish all the best! I'm glad you two can talk things out. I'm a pessimist by nature And I see marriage as the end of hope. That is why I would assume I would change for the worse and I refuse to hurt my guy that way. I love him too much. I have been told I don;t have to change after marriage but I know myself too well to marry.
• Philippines
1 Oct 12
They say that there is nothing constant in this world except change. People do change, some are for the better and others for the worse. But in every relationship especially marriage, couples should really have to made adjustments, and I believe that adjustments are part of change. You both change to meet in the middle to make the relationship harmonious so as to make it lasts. But like you have said, if you think that this person is making you a bad person instead of bringing out the best in you, I think that it is the time to think of leaving this relationship. True love does not make a person bad. It is the other way around. So I would suggest to give more love to make it work. Giving more love may sometimes mean to be more patient to your partner. You marry your partner because you love him. I hope that now that everything is not as good as it was, I hope that you can also use that love and not pride to solve this issues. This is what an old lady told me. I hope you can also use that advice to save your relationship. Thanks.
1 person likes this
• United States
1 Oct 12
Where did you get the idea my guy and I were having problems? We are fine. I will never marry him , that's all. We love and like each other so why marry and have it be ruined. More love will not make resentment and the feeling you are doomed and trapped go away! So I will never marry.
• Canada
30 Sep 12
I remember how my mother always said my father changed when they got married. He was sweet before the wedding, and controlling afterwards. On the other hand, when she married her 2nd husband, there were no changes after the wedding, and when my sister and I married our husbands no one changed after the wedding. Every situation is different.
1 person likes this
• United States
30 Sep 12
Funny I expect a husband to be controlling! A boyfriend is not . He can't . He doesn't own you ... yet. Or maybe your dad didn't want to marry? But instead of being as direct as I and saying No! He resented it and became controlling. I guess I assume any husband I would be forced to marry would resent it as much as I. So I assume he would be mean and controlling because he resents my every breath, like I resent his.But I know that your marriage is completely different . both of you wanted to marry. You both got to know each other. I know your marriage is perfect.and thankfully I don't have to marry my guy so I get to remain me.
1 person likes this
@mommyboo (13198)
• United States
14 Oct 12
LOL! I expect anybody I have a relationship with to just be the person I wanted to be with. I am completely against any arranged types of anything, nobody gets to choose anybody's mate, anybody's friends, etc. I will never bend on that attitude because truthfully, if anybody thought they'd attempt to choose my friends or mate or 'steer' me toward or away from somebody, I'd find out and not only do exactly the opposite, I'd get revenge on the person or persons behind the scheme as well. I never interfere with my friends' relationships because it's none of my business. I don't tell my grown kids who to be friends with, date, or marry, because again, unless they come to me about it, it's not really my business. If someone asks me for advice though, I'll be honest, like if their current mate is an obnoxious controlling jerk? Yeah, I'll tell them. If I don't like the girlfriend or boyfriend, I'll tell them. However, that doesn't mean I tell them what to do about it. I might tell them were I in THEIR shoes, I would leave, break up, or want to smother them with a pillow, but I can't make them do it lol. People you have relationships with, regardless of the type, don't 'own' you. Nobody 'owns' you. Except you. I do think when minors are involved though that parents are the final authority, provided they are alive, sane, and have legal custody
1 person likes this
• United States
18 Oct 12
Mommyboo, I prefer to choose whom to love too. I just don't equate marriage with love. Warfare yes , love no.If I were forced to marry I would resent it and I would seek revenge Everyday.
@flowerchilde (12535)
• United States
1 Oct 12
I guess it would depend on the people involved! I've been happily married 32 years!
1 person likes this
• United States
2 Oct 12
Wow! Wonderful! My parents made 44 years. Me? I know I wouldn't survive even one, lol!
• Philippines
30 Sep 12
There are marriages that are not well planned..in fact some marry for wrong reasons. It could be that the girl got pregnant and because her family is the conservative type, they don't want their daughter to raise a child out of wedlock. There are also the types who are living the present, feeling so in love that they think no other better reason why they should not marry. Why married persons change is because they've to dance with the tune. They've to do what it takes to make the marriage work and the list is endless when it comes to making it work. Some are successful and some are not, as simple as that so eventually some are happy with their marriages and some are bitter. Bottom line, it is always best to plan, prepare and think about the marriage several times before the couple say "I do".
1 person likes this
• United States
30 Sep 12
That is why I say I Don't. I don't want to be a wife or a mother. I don't want to have to deal with a husband. I don't want to have to compromise and to become bitter.
• Philippines
30 Sep 12
I do believe people change eventually. Some for the better, some for worse, some not at all. My husband changed a lot. He was really different when he was still single and now that he's married. When he was single, all he though about was partying. The usual kind of thing. I think all of us are usually like that, especially the party animals. I know I used to be that way. But when we got married and had kids, he became more responsible. The money he earned he would put away to make sure we had at least some savings. (And I admit, I'm a pretty bad job in the financial aspect of things). The only probably would be he became a little more dependent on me and very clingy. He would keep calling and checking to see where I was throughout the day. I also lost the party animal in me when I became married. And frankly, I don't miss it either. It's not like something I would go back to if I suddenly became single again. I think we all just get more mature about things. Of course we grew up without these people in our lives for a very long time, and when you start living with each other you're going to get a taste of what your partner is like when he is at home alone. There are definitely things you won't like, things that you'll be so thankful for, and things you'll wish you never had to know. It's like a rite of passage, it's all part and parcel of getting married. It all depends on how you take it. Are you open enough to accept the person you're going to marrY? That's another reason why most people turn out worse than they were when they weren't married, is because probably they either didn't really like the person or they just sort of went along with the decision to get married, or they didn't know what they were getting themselves into.
1 person likes this
• United States
30 Sep 12
I never partied as a teen or when I was younger. So that wouldn't change. But I would go into a marriage assuming I would Never be happy. I would never open up to a husband! Why? So he could have more ammo? I see marriage as a war of wills. I would have to play like I was something I am not. That is why it is better that I don't love my husband. I knew this about myself at age 13. So I will never marry.But I do love my guy. That is why I will never marry him.
@WakeUpKitty (8698)
• Netherlands
30 Sep 12
I never changed into the worst as I was married. I stayed the same. The person always giving in, always willing to help out, always that listening ear, I was the perfect wife and housewife and cook and mother. My ex also did not change. He stayed the bachelor, loved to play the student and kept his many gf's while cheating around. Only spend his money on his, stayed greedy for me and his kids and demanded a lot (while I was making his (expensive) wishes come true. I never met people who completely changed into what you describe. Only women who become mothers and housewifes next to a full time job dealing with everything alone. Why? Because that is how society wants them to be. In the meanwhile hoping their husband will give them a hand. The wife is tired out, worser dressed or even the husband wants her to dress more dull since she is married now. Many live next to eachother their own lives and a part of the men suddenly wake up and go cheating around because their wife is changed into a dull person without any fun (although he made her like that). A marriage is different from living together (for some reason) and that is why people change into something society wants them to be or act like.
1 person likes this
@drannhh (15235)
• United States
23 Jan 13
Wow! My experience is that people can change for the better, not for the worse after marriage. However, there have to be exceptions] and it sounds like you have meta few. Perhaps they married in haste and maybe for the wrong reasons. In some parts of the world marriage is still_sort of a trap,but where I live, fortunately I we can make am own fortunes live autonomously to a certain extent. So with this relative freedom there is no need to change for the worse. Men and women both can grow.