I need some relationship advice
By aireanna18
@aireanna18 (1914)
United States
October 27, 2012 12:24am CST
myLot members and friends, I am in the need of some relationship advice. I really do not know what I should do, so I am hoping that you may be able to give me some good relationship advice.
I have been in this relationship with my boyfriend since 2003, so almost 9 years. I'll just say we have broken up and gotten back together several times. Truthfully, there are days when I feel like the relationship is . I cgoing to work out,but then again I do not want to lose my best friend either. It is complicated to say the least.
Well, a few days ago, the boyfriend who lives in another city (that is one of the many complications) called. I was trying to plan out my day. He asked what I was doing. I simple said I was trying to plan how to get stuff done. Then, he started giving me the third degree about what stuff is? I snapped because I do not like it when he acts like this giving the third degree. It is one of those buttons. He should know it by now. It is not like it something new, and everytime he does it I react the sameway. Well, he decided to hang up the phone. I was annoyed at him, so I did not call him back.
The next day I was not feeling good. I really need to talk to him. Well, he did not answer his phone. No big surprise he rarely answers his phone when I call him. It is complicated as I said before he is staying with his family, and they do not like the fact that he is divorced and do not want him to have a girlfriend. So, we cannot talk if they are around. I hung up like normal. I did not even leave a message because after all these years I have learned he really does not listen to the messages, so there is no point in leaving him a voice message. A little bit later he texts me saying he is busy. Odd, text message response but okay. I texted him back that I was not feeling good. I thought that he would care. He never called or text me back in response.
The day after, I was feeling lonely. I decide to try calling him again. Again, he did not answer and he texted back that he was busy. It was like 9pm. I knew better than to truthfully believe that he is busy at that time of the day because generally if he text me it it around that time of the day. So, naturally I was upset. I knew something was up. I just texted him back saying that I would not try calling anymore since it was obvious that he did not want to talk to me. His response was not to put it on me that I was mean to him a few days ago. So once again, he is using what I did to punish me by choosing not to call and if I call to be to busy to talk to me.
I text him back a little bit later once I had calmed down stating that I did not want to fight especially because I felt that he was trying to pick a fight. I stated what happened. He just texted back ok. I asked him to clarify by text message what he meant by ok. I did this trying not to get upset because nothing about how he is acting feels okay to me. He is being childish and freezing me out because I did not act the way that he wanted me to act. He clarified that he was saying ok to me not wanting to fight. It was like he just completely disregarded everything else that I said in the text message.
Then, there was something crazy going on around the complex where I live. Not really sure what was going on but it sounded like there was a police helicopter searching for someone. You could hear the announcement of them telling whoever it was to come out. No sirens. I was a little freaked out. I tried calling him again. Of course, he did not answer. I forgot the turn of events I believe I texted him that something was going on. His only response was call 911. We texted back and forth briefly the details. He did text to check that everything was okay before he went to bed.
Well, he still did not call today. I have not tried calling him as truthfully it is too hard to call him, and keep getting rejected.
I know he is depressed, and he plays these types of games when he feels like he is not getting my attention. He will freeze me out completely if I act a way that he does not like or if he gets hurt. In the long run, he just hurts me 10 times worse. I really do not know what I should do? Again, I am crying.
1 person likes this
5 responses
@jenny1015 (13359)
• Philippines
27 Oct 12
I think that your relationship has become a bore. So sorry for saying that, though. But I feel that since you are not together all the time, you just do not know yourselves that much anymore. It seems that you have lost the spark between the two of you. You have been together for 9 years and yet both of you still are not used with one another's reaction towards certain events.
How much do you love him? Do you see being with him for the rest of your life? I do not have the right to meddle, I know. But I am just trying to help you realize what is the worth of this relationship. If you want to be with him forever, why not come to his place of work sometime and take him out for lunch? I just think you are missing him. And he must be missing you, too.
2 people like this
@jenny1015 (13359)
• Philippines
27 Oct 12
Like most of us, I would want to be in a perfect relationship no matter how imperfect our world is. I also want to be in a relationship wherein you can clearly see how both of us can be together living in a normal life and just loving until we grow old. Surely there would be trials along the way, but the important thing is you learn to do something to patch things up before it gets even worse. You are fortunate that you are still single coz you have a lot more ahead of you.
If you do not feel the same way towards him anymore, might as well end it now and move on. Do not think of how poor his health us that you would only be feeling pity over him and not love.
1 person likes this
@aireanna18 (1914)
• United States
27 Oct 12
It is like I still care about him as a friend, but I do not know if I am still in love with him. I'm not sure if that makes sense. I do not feel pity over his health. It is just hard because if I end it he will say his whole world is over, and what is the point of living. Worse, he will make his friendship a condition of us being together, so if we break up it is like I lose my only friend. I do not know if I can do that either.
@jenny1015 (13359)
• Philippines
27 Oct 12
Well, you just need to be truthful of what you honestly feel about him. Why would you want to stay in the relationship and still make him believe that you love him when you really do not feel the same way as before? Don't you think it is unfair to both of you? Both of you deserves to be happy.
1 person likes this
@pals101 (2003)
• Philippines
27 Oct 12
I see, this is really frustrating for the both of you. Argument and conflicts is part of a relationship, you have to lived with it. Anyway, i think the best way is to give him time to think, I believe he still loves you and care for you. It's just maybe he's upset with you. For me, try to do what he wants, don't text or call, you have tried your best already. Let him feel what it feels to be ignore, if he really loves you, then I'm sure he will call and text, and when he do, I think its the best time for you to talk and admit each other lapses and forget and forgive each other. We are not perfect, so I really think you can pass this challenges in life. Be strong and have faith, as long as you have not done something wrong then you should be okay..Pray and have faith in God. Everything happens for a reason.
2 people like this
@aireanna18 (1914)
• United States
27 Oct 12
pals, thank you! I will try your advice maybe he will come around in a few days. It just hurts me so much when he completely abandons me over what I consider such a trival little thing. I will do my best to have faith, and believe that God has a plan. I just wish he would share it with me because I'm pretty much feel like there is not a much hope left in me.
@artemeis (4189)
• China
27 Oct 12
At a certain point of this time, I hope that you will stop what you are doing and start put on your thinking cap for a single quiet moment by yourself at what you are doing with this relationship which had not done anything other than bringing you numerous heart wrenching pain and repeatedly going back and forth with your decisions on walking out of this miserable relationship.
All that you have posted really spoke that the both of you are actually a mismatch and asking for a clean breakaway from each other. I am not condemning your boyfriend but I believe his divorce is actually his own asking when I am seeing his insensitive and vindictive character. I don't see any bit of him being an easy to get along, sociable, forgivable, concern, sensitive or a person that knows how to cherish or appreciate you. It is probably the reasons behind your numerous walkouts on him as far as the both of you is concern. I do not know why you have repeatedly walk back to get this repeated trashing which is really egging his narcissism and male chauvinist ego who simply perceive you as some helpless and useless social being that could not do without him.
The way I see it, he is simply trash eligible and should stay that way because he does not see similar value in these painstaking 9 years. Let me be cruel here, when I say that he does not see a single something in this 9 year relationship especially your efforts in it. After all, it is his freedom and right to do whatever he wants, which instead of being a better partner to you is actually becoming another candidate for St. Elm Street.
You need to understand and accept this fact that whatever you emotionalize or value this relationship is exclusive to you and you alone. So don't expect mutuality blindly when all his efforts and actions are actually no different to a hook-bait-reel-release technique where you are falling for it hook-line-sinker. So, please stir and be awaken before you crumble and weep on what otherwise is the poignant truth of who he really is - an unfit partner, ruining all the good memories that you had. Memories is what you probably have right now, and you cannot bring it along to go into the future when it is suppose to be history. History like expired games rules or outdated features in a computer program that will not allow you to progress and move on to the next higher stage. So do you see where you are? Miserable when you just could not walk further and especially walking together when the both of you are not looking eye to eye in the same direction.
I really believe that you should consider letting him go once and for all and move on, on your own. You do not need to run, you just need to take up courage to draw your first step. So start walking, one step in one day would mean ten steps in ten days and before you know it, you will find yourself out of this misery and into someone who deserves you and your true happiness. Remember we are responsible for our own happiness and misery as well. I am sorry that I did not persuade you to stay but for a man that simply cannot change to appreciate you after all this time, certainly justify your walkout. Take courage, and tell yourself that it is going to get better.
@aireanna18 (1914)
• United States
28 Oct 12
artemels, thank you for your brutal honesty. He used to be sensitive and caring. As you said, it is more memories of the past, and wishing / hoping that the past would return because that was better than the present. You are right, I do need time to think seriously about what I want; then find the courage and strength to make it a reality.
@Aja103654 (5644)
• Philippines
27 Oct 12
You have to communicate personally and state clearly what the both of you want to be able to compromise. If you have these kind of games often, it's really bad because in every relationship, communication is important above all. If there is a problem both of you have to solve it, not put it till later unless if both of you are really mad at each other. Once both of you have calmed down, talk about it properly and both of you must swear not to get emotions get the better of you.
If a man loves a woman truly, he'd put aside his feelings of anger for later and see to your safety first.
@aireanna18 (1914)
• United States
27 Oct 12
Aja, that is very good advice. The issue is that he does not want to talk about it. He keeps freezing me out. Then, he texts goodnight like nothing happened, which probably means that he has forgotten about the whole thing. The result is that I still feel hurt and abandoned. In some ways, I feel emotionally manipulated because I feel like I do something he does not like he will just shut me out.
@aireanna18 (1914)
• United States
27 Oct 12
Well, here lies the issue. It is not so much as that he chooses to forget, but he has a poor short term memory. This probably of him remembering things keeps getting worse as he health his continued to decline. Now, it is like I could have told him something yesterday, and he won't remember it.
There is yet another source of conflict. I have a memory like an elephant. You know an elephant cannot forget. Yet, he forgets everything. Then, I try to talk about issues and it becomes the argument of I never said that because he does not remember what he said or did. Yet, I am still hurt and frustrated. 
Him grow up now I have to laugh
that will never happen. He is childish, and imagine he is nine years old than I am? Yet, I am the adult. Even when I had health problems at one point I had to seriously tell him that I needed him to be an adult. There have been several times I've told him he needs to grow up, but it does not change anything.
Him grow up now I have to laugh that will never happen. He is childish, and imagine he is nine years old than I am? Yet, I am the adult. Even when I had health problems at one point I had to seriously tell him that I needed him to be an adult. There have been several times I've told him he needs to grow up, but it does not change anything.@Aja103654 (5644)
• Philippines
27 Oct 12
What he is doing is very unfair. I know a friend who acts like this and tends to forget problems and pretends they never existed. My friend regretted what she did because when she freezes out to her boyfriend, once they fought all the problems they have never solved before haunts them again to the point that there are so many issues that they overwhelm them.
You two have to face the problem together. You have to let it out and then let it go. SO that the problem won't surface again in the future and ruin your relationship. tell him that. He should be able to understand. He's a grown man and shouldn't act like a little boy any more.
He has to make time. Schedule some time together and talk personally. Because phone call s_cks lol. It will make it easier for him to avoid the problem.
@gary23 (425)
• India
27 Oct 12
Hi dear friend.. I can completely understand you. I have been in a 9 years relationship and though he is very caring enough, sometimes he behaves weird. I hate it when he fails to understand me. I am a very peaceful person whereas he is short tempered. Whenever he misbehaves with me, I stop talking to him. But he is ready enough always to say sorry. I think disagreements on trivial matter happens in a relationship. However I am sorry to say I can't find that sweetness in your relation. My boyfriend sometimes behaves rude, but after sometimes he realizes and hugs me back. I can see how sad you feel. My friend, is it worth getting punished so much just because he misunderstood you? Question yourself. Is this the life you want in future. He is much much mentally stronger than you. I hate to hurt myself. But he hurts me very easily. I never forgive him until he apologizes and understands his fault. You are crying? Now if he calls you , you must be more than happy. But he hasn't understood your pain. So just talking to him is not the solution my friend. You should talk elaborately on his attitude towards you with him.
1 person likes this
@aireanna18 (1914)
• United States
27 Oct 12
gary, thank you for your post. I appreciate both your empathy, sincere advice, and sympathy on the subject.
I have tried to talk to him about his attitude in the past. All that results in him saying that he is scum. Then, he will try for awhile to fix things, but it never lasts. It is like once I start to feel like things are on the mend then he will do something again. Why can't guy just be wonderful all the time. Even of late, I feel like I get the insincere empty words like when I tell him I do not feel good. It is just an I'm sorry. It is starting to just feel like words. The crux of the issue is that with him he thinks that it is should all be about the words or tone that you used whereas I think it is more about the actions. Words are empty unless you truly mean them, and back them up with your actions.
Well, I'm glad your boyfriend realizes when he has done something to upset you. Mine never does realize it unless I tell him; then he will apologize. Yet, in this instance, I feel like he wants me to apologize, yet I feel that I did nothing wrong. I mean I was telling him how what he was doing upsets me, and he could not handle it. Who's fault is that? I mean am I supposed to not tell him how his actions make me feel? That does not feel like a relationship, and I do not want to have to hide my feelings.
Yes, I think the truth of the matter is that I want something more for my future. I think it is time to clean out the clutter, reorganize, pick up the pieces, and make a new plan for the future. It is hard to believe this is where we are at when a few years ago he visited we talked about marriage, looked at wedding rings, and talked about planning a wedding. All for nothing. Three years later he still lives in another city, so proposal. Now, he is talking again of wanting to live by himself. Ironic, that was part of the fight a year ago. It is like history just keeps repeating itself. In the words of Albert Einstein I must be insane because I keep doing the same thing hoping for different results.
It is just hard to think of starting over again, and throwing away those 9 years. Then again, as you mentioned what would the future be like? He used to be supportive, but he has changed so much.
Thanks for listening friend.
@aireanna18 (1914)
• United States
28 Oct 12
gary, thank you friend. Well, he started texting, and tonight his message was good night I miss you. I texted him back stating the following:
[i][/i]Goodnight I miss you too but you have not wanted to talk to me you have been to busy being upset at me for something that you started its your call you hung up and you are the one freezing me out and choosing to not take my calls.
His response was as follows:
[i][/i]You are the one that does not understand that you were mean to me and there is no reason for what you said you really need to learn how to be nice. You never ever said sorry to me you blame me for your meanness that does not make sense.
I know I could apologize for snapping at him, but it does not change that my snapping was a reaction to him giving me the third degree. He does not want to take any responsibility for his part of what happened. He just wants to call me mean, and hurt me. It has been like that a lot lately. Maybe, I was still annoyed with him for his lack of support last week after a job interview that I had last week. I could not understand why he of all people could not even believe in me. He does not want to even consider why or what made me snap. He does not want to even consider that there was something that happened that caused me to snap at him. He just wants to say that I am not nice. Well, I feel that he is also not being nice.
@gary23 (425)
• India
27 Oct 12
you are wise enough to take your decisions. I guess you should take a break. Stop communicating and see whether he is desperate enough to get you. If he stays okay without talking to you for days, then it just means that this relationship is not that important for him. Give some time dear. I think things will become okay.
