Bad things I cannot forget
By suspenseful
@suspenseful (40193)
Canada
November 15, 2012 2:56pm CST
When I was in my early twenties, there was this little baby boy sitting on a stool, and when he fell, I did not catch him. Oh his mother was on the other side, and she was able to. Then just recently there was this little baby girl standing on a chair, and she started to fall twice, and I did not catch her, but the lady on the other side did. Then when I was in my twenties, this boy asked me where the cards were when I was in a drug store, I said, yes, and he ran out without paying for them.
So ever since I have felt bad about those things. And I feel that God has decided not to let me bear children when I was in my fertile period because of that. I am now in my late 60s but I could have had more grandchildren or even great grand children if I had stopped the first baby from falling towards the floor or had told the storekeeper that that boy was stealing.
I am so upset about because these are things that I actually remember and there was a physical consequence and worse then when I shoplifted and got a punishment from my father and the storekeeper when I was a teenager. At least then I was able to stop my behaviour, but what about those three other times? Sometimes I think I have no empathy. There was a show on Dr. Phil about that. Maybe I am like that woman.
5 people like this
6 responses
@ElicBxn (63235)
• United States
15 Nov 12
I don't think God punishes people like that. I doubt that any of those are the reason you didn't have children.
People don't have children, even when they try, for any number of reasons, but if any of those reasons you have stated were a reason to NOT have children, the a lot of abused children would never have been born to BE abused.
3 people like this
@suspenseful (40193)
• Canada
10 Jan 13
I heard it could be because of sin in the world. That people who want children and should have children do not get them and people who are nasty vicious child abusers get them.
1 person likes this
@suspenseful (40193)
• Canada
16 Nov 12
So true. My friends remember the good things, and I sort of forget I did them. It is the non-friends or the strangers that seem to bring things up. And yet I wonder why they did, because I feel what I did was worse then what they brought up.
1 person likes this
@desertdarlene (8910)
• United States
15 Nov 12
I don't think you have a lack of empathy at all. Maybe when those events happened, you weren't sure what do to about them while they were happening.
I had a lot of problems with guilt about everything, even things that were not really my fault and it got worse as I got older. I found out that it and a couple other things may be related to OCD and I started meditating and taking st. John's wort to elevate my seratonin. The guilty feelings have, since, gotten better. I still feel guilty a lot, but it doesn't rule my life and I can move on.. I researched St. John's wort a lot before taking it, so I wouldn't recommend people start taking it without doing their research. I take very little of it.
Sometimes, prescription antidepressants can help with these things, especially if it is impacting your life and thoughts a great deal. Everyone feels guilty about something, but it shouldn't rule your thoughts. Some medications can also screw around with our thoughts, as well. If you are already on medication, I would bring this up to your doctor.
I hope I didn't offend you with my answer.
2 people like this
@suspenseful (40193)
• Canada
16 Nov 12
No you did not. I do know that I have low grade depression and feel that someone can say something and that will affect me. It is not reading something, but the person actually has to say something like my mother did, "You have to learn things the hard way," and presto it happens. I do not take any medicine, but maybe that St. John's Wort wold help. I do take multi vitamins, plus herbals to reduce my sugar as diabetes runs in my family, but they have no effect on my mood.
I guess I should ask about one of those lights for SAD. It is also that I am also worried about my second daughter-in-law who is expecting twins and one may be in trouble. So there is a lot on my plate.
1 person likes this
@danishcanadian (28953)
• Canada
16 Nov 12
QUIT DRIVING YOURSELF NUTS!!! Everybody makes mistakes, and if people spent their lives dwelling on what they perceive to be the cobsequences of those mistakes, we'd all be in mental hospitals.
1 person likes this
@suspenseful (40193)
• Canada
17 Nov 12
It is just that I felt rather anxious then and was brought up that someone else or everyone else can do that but not me. And once in a while I get these thoughts.
@dragon54u (31636)
• United States
16 Nov 12
God doesn't work that way. He is our Father and what kind of decent father do you know that would mete out a punishment that was way, way, worse than the crime?
You should get rid of that guilt. Did you ever stop to think that God knew that the children you adopted needed you in their lives and that you would not adopt if you had children of your own? Maybe it was not them that needed you but the grandchildren they gave you. Look at the bigger picture and stop thinking of God as a mean, vengeful monster. I'm sure that breaks His heart.
1 person likes this
@suspenseful (40193)
• Canada
16 Nov 12
Thank you. That made me feel so much better. Although it hurts that I could not adopt more because that next social worker did not think it was nice of me to get upset if we adopted a girl and she got in trouble. She wanted me not to care and it is hard when I am nervous about taking care of babies because I do not have the ongoing experience that other mothers who had three or more children have.
1 person likes this
@zstang777 (37)
• United States
15 Nov 12
I have heard of this type of thing many times before and shows like that make it seem logical but it's not. People try to rationalize things happening to them and things they can't rationalize they contribute to this idea of karma or even punishment by God. Do all events have to be caused by things that you have done? The world works in strange ways. Things may happen for a reason, but why would the reason just be punishment? It seems to be almost a waste of energy just for things to happen just as punishment. Things happened for other reasons and you just happened to be caught in the middle. People need to understand that things happen for the well being of the universe and not just humans. It's rather a selfish view. I am not saying that everything I presented to true but it seems more logical than punishment.
2 people like this
@suspenseful (40193)
• Canada
15 Nov 12
It is not as if I felt I was better then everyone else, that is what some do not understand. They think I am assuming I am better then everyone else and that I should not have felt bad, that it was an accident. My foster mother was like that, when I told her that I felt God was punishing me for something it was for her as if I felt I was so important, when it was the opposite. I felt I was terribly bad. And it was not because I was naturally slow, it was that I was distracted. I hope it was not because maybe I am really a sociopath, but since I am not a great talker, I would be a failure at even that.
But if someone tells you, it is not your problem or you cannot do anything, if that person is like me, that is the worse thing you can ever say. I have to do something.
2 people like this
