My Daughter in Law Abandoned Twins
By cynthiann
@cynthiann (18612)
Jamaica
November 19, 2012 9:06pm CST
I use the term abandoned because she told the twins ( six years old) that she was going to the U.S. for the weekend and would return home yesterday. But she is staying and looking for work.
I am horrified. Some of you may remember that she gave me the twins when they were 17 months to look after and I did with the help of a nanny as I was working full time.
When they were about three and a half she took them to the Middle East and would come home at Christmas and summer for vacations. And so it went on.
Now I have them again and they are so missing their Mommy. She hasn't called either and they are hurting as their father cannot be here every day and works very long hours.
Yes, I have help in the house but it is a big responsibility as I do have a part time job and am not really recoverd from open heart surgery. She says that she will probably stay a year and then come and take them.
I do not care if their marriage is over or what their problems are. I care about the stability and happiness of my grand twins. My GS is very sensitive and so misses his Mommy. My heart hurts for them both.
I know that as sure as the sun shines, if I had left my husband then I would have taken
my children. It is not money as she was offered a wonderful job out here starting at over US$3000 a month. Where I live this salary is considered to be extremly good. But no, she leaves her six year old children.
I am so angry - not because they are with me again as I so adore them, but because they are older and are hurting. If their Daddy was here every day it would be easier all around for us. If she hadn't told them that she would be back on Sunday they would not be so sad as she broke her promise.
We got through today okay and they are long fast asleep. Homework and school bags are packed and clothes laid out for tomorrow. I just have the snacks and lunch boxes to fill.
we will get through this but it is so selfish of their mother. At least, I think so. Do you think that she is selfish?
9 people like this
28 responses
@sishy7 (27166)
• Australia
20 Nov 12
I do think she is selfish. She only thinks of herself and perhaps just consider her twins as little children who would not be affected by her decisions as long as there is someone to look after them. They may seem to get through today, tomorrow, and even the whole year thanks to your kindness; but their mom's actions will affect them for the rest of their lives.
@cynthiann (18612)
• Jamaica
20 Nov 12
I so agree with you on this. You are right as they are learning not to trust their mother
1 person likes this
@lilybug (21107)
• United States
20 Nov 12
I read this discussion last night and I started to type a reply, but I couldn't word it just right.
YES, I think she is being extremely selfish. First of all, she LIED to her children about coming back. You cannot do that to small children. Secondly, they are not your responsibility. Your are their grandmother. You are supposed to love them and spoil them and send them back to their parents.
You just had surgery not that long ago and should not be expected to take care of them. You need to take care of YOU! I understand that you love them and they are lucky to have you in their lives, but it is not fair to anyone involved for this to have happened.
My kids drive me insane and sometimes I joke about running away, but I could never actually do it!
You really are a wonderful person taking care of them as much as you have throughout their lives. Hopefully she wakes up and realizes that those kids are growing fast and she needs to be there for them.
2 people like this
@cynthiann (18612)
• Jamaica
20 Nov 12
I relived a memory of when you, Kat, Dawn and Rocket gave me advice re twins about 4 years ago or more when I hshe first left them with me. I so hurt when they left but little children need to be with their mother.
I do hope that she begins to think straight and returns. She can stay nwith me until she finds a place to live and I will still be there as a backup whenever she needs help.
1 person likes this
@cynthiann (18612)
• Jamaica
21 Nov 12
She was living with me and the twins when she left and we got on well. My son was coming anf going - staying some nights to be with the twins. I would always assist where I could. My home is where the twins consider to be home. And my DIL mother doesn'tlive 2 miles away and she is much younger than I am but I would not think that they would be happy living there as she does not really want them.
@mzz663 (2772)
• United States
20 Nov 12
I think its selfish for both of the parents to live their lives, doing what they want and leaving the boys with you. Its sad. If my daughter or son put me in that position I would have to say enough is enough and either come take care of the boys or just leave them with you forever and just visit once in a while, make them tell the boys they'll be there to visit.its not fair to do this to you or the boys.
2 people like this
@cynthiann (18612)
• Jamaica
20 Nov 12
I have to explain that both she and my son together with the twins were already living with me. So this is my son's home too for the time being. It is just perhaps 2 or 3 nights that he is not here to assist with them. Sorry to have been so vague
1 person likes this
@sid556 (30953)
• United States
20 Nov 12
Its not only selfish, it is extremely neglectful. She deserves to lose those kids for good. They are old enough where they will probably forgive her if she does come back and get them but they will probably have abandonment and trust issues because she lied to them.
I don't like to judge but I really don't understand how a parent could leave their children for long periods of time. I know sometimes there are circumstances where it is unavoidable but when there are choices, I just don't get it. And the lying is inexcusable. They are very lucky to have you in their lives,Cynthiann.
1 person likes this
@sid556 (30953)
• United States
20 Nov 12
Well, it is good that she called but it is not anywhere near the same as having their mother right there. There is no way that I would have ever ever ever left my kids even for money. My ex hardly ever paid child support and we had almost no money to spare while I raised them. We did it though and one of my daughter's commented once that she never "felt" poor. We worked it. I know a lot of mother's like the one you are describing and I agree...they do care but they seem to be oblivious to the fact that their kids care more about having a mom than anything material. I have some trouble wrapping my head around this one. And the lying ...there is no justification at all.
1 person likes this
@cynthiann (18612)
• Jamaica
21 Nov 12
Oh Sid - I will just try to keep the peace and would never show any disrespect to their mother no matter how I felt. None of our family would as she is their mother and by that fact alone is worthy of respect. I would keep my thoughts and opinions to myself. She should not have lied to them. This has hurt them and they are confused.
@cynthiann (18612)
• Jamaica
20 Nov 12
Sid, I just can't bear to see them unhappy and missing their mother. She did call this morning so at least they spoke to her
1 person likes this
@LovingMyBabies (85923)
• Valdosta, Georgia
20 Nov 12
I do find it to be extremely selfish of her and wrong. I could NEVER leave my children like that ever! I do not understand things like this when I hear them. I want to give them a hug, poor kids. =( My heart is hurting for them. A mother's promise should be kept no matter what it is, children should be able to count on their mother's word. That is the saddest thing ever. I am so sorry for you and them. It is unfair for everyone involved! I am truly glad they have you in their life though. At least they have someone to love them like they should be loved!
@cynthiann (18612)
• Jamaica
20 Nov 12
I do love them dearly and missed them so much when she took them but little children should be with their mother. I am just a substitute although they do love me dearly
1 person likes this
@LovingMyBabies (85923)
• Valdosta, Georgia
20 Nov 12
Oh I absolutely agree with you on that. I am just glad they have someone to love them, how much worse would they be if they had no one to love them?
@cynthiann (18612)
• Jamaica
21 Nov 12
I think so too. I will just do my best until this is resolvedone way or another
@leeandrew (1225)
• Philippines
20 Nov 12
There is probably a more deeper reason why she abandoned her children with you, money is probably not the issue with her, I assume it's more personal-I mean more marital issue. People have different views in life specially when they are being hurt, your son and your daughter in law must have something in between them that causes her to leave her children behind.
I will feel the same as you, I would never leave my children behind unless I really have to. I know as well that it's gonna hard for you to take care of them specially that you yourself is not that well enough. Kids these days needs more patience and understanding. I just hope though that thing will be good with all of you specially your grand kids and their parents. God bless and happy mylotting.
@cynthiann (18612)
• Jamaica
20 Nov 12
You hit the nail on the head. Definitely marital problems as for the past 5 years out of 7 years being married she has opted to live and work in different countries. I will just do my best for them. Thank you for your kind words
1 person likes this
@cynthiann (18612)
• Jamaica
21 Nov 12
Thank you so very much for yuour sweet words. I do appreciate what you said and may our God bless you too
@carmelanirel (20942)
• United States
20 Nov 12
Wow, I don't think I could leave my kids at that age for that amount of time. I am not saying she is bad, I also couldn't leave them when they were babies for more than an hour if that, but that is me. I wonder if she would really be able to get a job here though, because businesses are shutting down, no one is hiring. You are a great grandmother too, I pray that He gives you the strength to care for these litte ones..
1 person likes this
@carmelanirel (20942)
• United States
20 Nov 12
No, I didn't mean that she couldn't get a job because she wasn't approved, as a natural born citizen, I am also approved, but it is nearly impossible to get a full time job. I am fortunate that I have a couple neighbors who needs a lot of dog sitting done, otherwise I would have no money coming in, other than mylot and another site, and of course that doesn't pay much..
2 people like this
@cynthiann (18612)
• Jamaica
20 Nov 12
She jas been approved to work in the USA and will get a job but where? She is not bad but is beinga bit selfish. I have always got on well with her and she did call tis morning and asked after them. She also spoke to the twins but told them she wasn't returning just yet. Little kids need their mothers. But I looked after them for two years when they were younger and will do it again
2 people like this
@cynthiann (18612)
• Jamaica
21 Nov 12
It is okay - I did not take you wrong at all. She has her Mssters in Education and has vast international experience so she is in demand. she did her first degree in the U.S. so knows the system. I now cannot look for another village to manage because I would not simply have the time
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85137)
• Shingle Springs, California
20 Nov 12
A friend of Richard's family once said to me (in German), "never break a promise to a child". If she couldn't keep that promise, she shouldn't have made it. Marital problems shouldn't ever rebound back on the children, but they so often do. My heart goes out to them.
1 person likes this
@cynthiann (18612)
• Jamaica
20 Nov 12
They crept into my bed in the early hours. She did call them a short while ago but told them hat she wasn't coming home 'just yet'. I am gutted!
1 person likes this
@SomeCowgirl (32189)
• United States
20 Nov 12
Yes, I do. I also have to wonder what she is running from, because as you say she has had a job offer there, and a very good one for the area. To come to the USA to look for work, I'm just not sure why she'd do that. I hope that she pulls her head out from behind her and realizes what she's doing.. I'm sorry, because it does seem as if she's being selfish.
It's just good they have a wonderful grandmother like you, still, like you said they are older and do understand what's going on a little more.
I believe that sometimes it's not the job you have or the hours you work, it's the time you spend with family and what you do with that money to make itseem bigger then it really is...
1 person likes this
@SomeCowgirl (32189)
• United States
21 Nov 12
I just hope that she realizes what she is missing out on and comes home. Will she be back for Christmas, do you know?
@cynthiann (18612)
• Jamaica
22 Nov 12
She actually told me that she would be away for a year and then would come back and take the children. But I don't really know what she will do. The twins have not only attended three schools this year but three schools in different continents let alone different countries. They are so adaptive socially and just fit in and make friends. But they are not parcels and she cannot keep dragging them around at her will not theirs. My son will have to take legal advice.
@cynthiann (18612)
• Jamaica
20 Nov 12
I expect that she is running to something and you are very wise for someone so young. She could live more than comfortably on that salary especially with what my son would contribute too. All such a mess and I hope that I can help them a little whilst she is away
2 people like this
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
20 Nov 12
I agree it is very selfish. When you have children, you make a commitment to them. They must come first. Before money, before fun, before you!
Kids don't want to be dragged from one country to another so that mommy can have the best job. They just want mommy.
I don't know how she can do this. It would kill me to be away from my kids. Even if I know they are well cared for, because I know you are taking the best care of these babies (I can't believe they're 6 already!!). I couldn't do it.
Not to mention she really is taking advantage of you, expecting you to care for her kids. You are still not well.. and you're dealing with your sister's loss still I'm sure. You've raised your babies and they all turned out beautifully. I know you love the twins, but they are your grandkids.. not your kids! They're not your responsibility and you should not be expected to be their caretaker! Just their grandma who loves and visits them.. then they're supposed to go back home to their mother.
1 person likes this
@cynthiann (18612)
• Jamaica
21 Nov 12
No it doesn't! And here I am again with the school run most mornings and spelling tests on Fridays
I laugh because this is the only way that I can handle this
I laugh because this is the only way that I can handle this@cynthiann (18612)
• Jamaica
20 Nov 12
Thanks Kat. I was just saying to lilybug how you all gave me advice on the twins over four years ago. I do agree with hyou that they are not mykids but my frnadkids. But I have been put in this position and will do my best until she returns.
I could not have left my children at all. I do have help in the house so I don't do their washing or ironing or clean house but yes - I still get so very tired at times.
1 person likes this
@ANTIQUELADY (36440)
• United States
20 Nov 12
i THINK SHE IS WORSE THAN SELFISH!!!! U are being very nice to not say more to. I have no use for any mother that will do their children like she has done hers. They are very blessed to have u to take their mother's place in their lives. If she was offered such a good job there u know there is more to her move to the us involved.I'M SURE IT IS CALLED 'ANOTHER MAN'.I have done alot of things in my life i shouldn't have done but deserting my sons wasn't one of them.U must take care of yourself, u know what all u have been through w/your health. Their father needs to step up & be more involved no matter what it takes.Please take care of yourself. love & hugs.
@ANTIQUELADY (36440)
• United States
20 Nov 12
I know that's what u are concerned about , Cynthi , me to but i'm also concerned about u. U are right about the parents. They both need to be concerned about the children, the poor babies. I was 16 when my parents divorced & it bothered me. I always swore my sons would never have to live where there was soneone raising hell all the time like my parents did especially my mother. I had to raise them by myself but that was fine to. Their happiness was more imoortant to me than mine was. mWish more grown-ups would think about the children more.
Bless u to, Gina. LOVE & HUGS TO BOTH OF U.
2 people like this
@cynthiann (18612)
• Jamaica
20 Nov 12
Thank you Jo. We are going to work out a schedue when he comes tonight so this will give them structure but young children need their mother. They are all grown up and can sort themselves out but it is the children that I am concerned with Jo.
1 person likes this
@RitterSport (2451)
• Lippstadt, Germany
20 Nov 12
Amen to that, bless you, my dearest Jo.....
2 people like this
@wilsongoddard (7291)
• United States
20 Nov 12
Lying like that to the children was wrong.
If she wants to break away, she needs to just go and stay gone. It will be easier for the kids in the long run if she just goes on with her life elsewhere as she so clearly seems to want to do.
1 person likes this
@wilsongoddard (7291)
• United States
20 Nov 12
Yes, children need their mothers. However, it doesn't sound like your daughter-in-law really wants to be in the role of mother. If that is the case, she should decide that now instead of putting the kids through the pain over and over of dealing with a mother who will just disappear on a whim.
My point is that making a clean break early can be more merciful than continuing to toy with the kids' emotions.
1 person likes this
@cynthiann (18612)
• Jamaica
21 Nov 12
Ah, I understand now. You are saying that it is better for them to face the truth now and deal with it rather than the state of uncertainty lingering on. You have a good point here that I had not considered. Thank you.
@cynthiann (18612)
• Jamaica
20 Nov 12
Children need their mothers in their life. I am ot saying that she does not love them but she has caused them to suffer by leaving and lying to them as to when she would return.
1 person likes this
@RitterSport (2451)
• Lippstadt, Germany
20 Nov 12
Dear Cynthie I was as shocked as you are. Yes I think she is the most selfish person I can think of.
I know that Grandma Cynthie will do everything for the two little angels so they are pampered and helped through this experience but its neither fair to them nor to you. After all as you said you had this surgery and are still recovering. So who is she to just dump her own children only cause caring for them is not convenient for her right now?????
I also agree with you that this outright lie to the kids is downright inexcusable. Would be different if she had said mom is looking for work far away and will get back as soon as she can, instead of just dumping the kids at your place.
Where are the morals going???? Mainly when it simply was not even necessary to go to the US to find work, for her as she was offered a good job home in Jamaica. For the Lords sake, this island should really be big enough so she can work and support herself and the kids without running into her husband if she doesnt want to live with him any more.
I am married but was too old to have kids. I got married to someone with a disability so I knew I would have a bit on my shoulders when I got married but I would not use his disability to just leave him stewing in his own juices so to say to live a ME ME life........ shudder......
1 person likes this
@cynthiann (18612)
• Jamaica
20 Nov 12
Tears cam eint my eyes after reading this wonderful response. I will try to do my best. The job offer was great and only 20 hours a week!!!! I too had issues with my mother and my GM was the world to me too.
1 person likes this
@RitterSport (2451)
• Lippstadt, Germany
20 Nov 12
I know you will make a great impact on the twins lives and like I say it today freely without fear and shame I bet you will also hear the sentence from them, Grandma lovingly shaped me to who I am today and if asked they will also be able to count down all the good things you did for them like I do when asked about my Grandma.
So as you had issues with your mom and your Grandma also was your world you know how things will be going for the little ones........ you are sort of Guardian Angel to them.......
my Grandma is in Heaven since 1987 and I still do miss her terribly though I am 50 already and sometimes I say to my husband, I guess Grandma looks down here and sees me and is pleased with what she sees.......
@RitterSport (2451)
• Lippstadt, Germany
20 Nov 12
I feel I am not yet done with my response. I know that there is one thing good coming out of the whole mess and thats the kiddies knowing they have an exceptional Grandma who is more like a mom to them than their own mother. As you may remember same here, my mother did not leave me but only neglected me emotionally as soon as I did not dance to her tunes but my Grandma was a safe harbour for me, she also was in the same house so it only was one flight of stairs to HOME for me. Like you she did everything she could to make sure I feel loved, cared and appreciated for who I am. When she got older and bedridden and I started working and earning money, she often said to me your mother is weird, come on I also have money, so lets move out of here and find a place for the two of us.
1 person likes this
@LovingMySon (224)
•
20 Nov 12
I do think she is being selfish. I would never leave my son without telling him when i will be back and i will keep to my word that i tell him. I leave for work and feel bad that i am leaving him. I cannot imagine me leaving my son for a year after i tell him i will be back in a week. I am sure it is hard for you working part time and taking care of your grand kids but you deserve alot of credit. i personally and very happy that your grand kids have you in there life and have you to take care of them in this hard time for them.
1 person likes this
Hang in there. You are doing a great thing. You shouldn't have to but you are doing what is right. 
@cynthiann (18612)
• Jamaica
20 Nov 12
That is kind of you but the probem is that my energy level is low after heart surgery but I will cope and hopefully, fill the gap.
1 person likes this
@GardenGerty (169585)
• United States
20 Nov 12
Yes, I think she is very selfish and I do not think that a year from now she should be able to come take them away. She should be allowed to visit, but they should be allowed to live in a stable home environment. There are so many grandparents that are finding themselves caring for their grand children, either part or full time and it is so sad. It is like the parents never really grew up themselves. Is this the son that just was elected to office this year?
1 person likes this
@cynthiann (18612)
• Jamaica
20 Nov 12
Yes, same son. They have not got long for a long time but they were both in different countries. My DIL's choice. It is sad - so very sad
1 person likes this
@redredrose (1105)
• United States
20 Nov 12
She is very selfish because she wants to go places and do things and have a job for herself not the kids. I do not have kids i was unable to get pregnant, but i love kids so dearly and can't understand why someone who has them would leave them. I even see and hear about people that never wanted kids that had them and this is so sad for those that want kids and can not have them. I am so sorry for your grand kids but i am so happy they have you in their life , because they least have some family and good people to care for them. As hard as it is for you to care for them they will know in the end who stayed who cared for them and who loved them and they will love you more for it in the end.
@cynthiann (18612)
• Jamaica
21 Nov 12
I have received so many kind responses from mylotters and I thank you for being kind too. I just want her to come to her senses and be a mother. They are adorable funny, bright children.
@cynthiann (18612)
• Jamaica
20 Nov 12
I think that she may be temporarily unstable at present.I am being kind but I do hope that she comes to her senses and returns as he children need her. I am just the substitute
1 person likes this
@lacieice (2060)
• United States
20 Nov 12
She is not only selfish, but completely irresponsible. She has no right to just assume you are willing to take responsibility for two young children. She is, apparently very immature and self centered, thinking only of herself.
In my humble opinion, your son needs to step up and take on the responsibility of raising his children, since their mom is not going to do it. I realize he has to work, but his main responsibility is those children. He needs to get things arranged so that he is the primary care-giver to them...he is their father and you are not their mother.
As far as I am concerned, the kids are better off without her.
1 person likes this
@cynthiann (18612)
• Jamaica
21 Nov 12
He is taking legal advice right now. My son is a Parliamentarian so his hours are crazy - but he adores his children and is very concerned about them. He arrives tomorrow so we will talk some more about the situation. He is concerned too on the amount of work placed on me. But I do have help in the house. Jst that I have not fully recovered from open heart surgery
@Raine38 (12387)
• United States
20 Nov 12
Wait what? I have to re-read your post just to be sure. Your DIL is really unbelievable! How can she lie something like that to her own little kids? She should have at least told them the truth in ways or words that they can understand. Lying to them like that and by the obvious neglect that she's displaying (you said she hasn't called, what mother can stand being out of contact from her own kids for a day?) her kids are bound to harbor lots of pain. At least they're lucky to have someone like you. I just hope their mom gets to her senses and her motherhood instincts start to kick in soon. For the sake of the children.
1 person likes this
@cynthiann (18612)
• Jamaica
20 Nov 12
The thing is, is that she told me the night before that she was leaving and also said that she had told the children that she would be away for longer - but she didn't. They expected her to come home. She told me that she would skype but she hasn't. I hope too that she does not stay away that long for their sake. They will stop trusting her and that is bad
@mariaperalta (19073)
• Mexico
20 Nov 12
Why do people do these kind of things, to their very own. I know you will take great care of them. Hope they understand whats going on there.
1 person likes this
@cynthiann (18612)
• Jamaica
21 Nov 12
They do not understand as when she caled them this morning they kept asking her when she was coming home and she was still not truthful with them. It is so awful but their Daddy comes tomorrow and they are looking forward to seeing him
