Getting to know people better when they pass on to the afterlife
@bagarad (14283)
Paso Robles, California
December 30, 2012 8:25pm CST
Have you ever attended a memorial service for someone you don't know very well and after listening to his close friends talk about him and seeing the videos they now play about his life, you discover it's a shame you didn't know him better? Time is precious, and we have so little of it to really get to know people we often see and talk to a bit, but don't really know.
I attended such a memorial service yesterday. I learned so much about the man who died. I talk to his wife every week, and neither of us expected that one of our husbands would die suddenly. I realize now that I don't know the wife very well, either, but I intend to get to know her now, because I suspect and have now been told, that the husband was the extrovert who took his wife, N, everywhere. Now I wonder if N has many close friends at church to help her through this. I suspect not. I think we should get to know each other and develop a friendship. Who knows? My husband could be next to go.
4 people like this
7 responses
@drannhh (15219)
• United States
31 Dec 12
This sounds like a good idea. When my husband passed away about three years ago although we knew a lot of people there were few other than ourselves with whom we associated. When he was gone, I learned how supportive other widows could be. It was amazing! No reason to wait until we are widows ourselves to reach out and be friendly with others. 
I do wish you and your hubby both happy, healthy, and long lives, however.
I do wish you and your hubby both happy, healthy, and long lives, however.2 people like this
@bagarad (14283)
• Paso Robles, California
31 Dec 12
Thanks. I hope my husband continues to be healthy for many years. His dad lived into his eighties and his mom to 89 and he's trying to take care of himself.
How did you connect with the other widows? Was there a support group involved or did you already know each other?
2 people like this
@drannhh (15219)
• United States
31 Dec 12
They just all showed up! For reasons connected with his medical condition and insurance I had to suddenly relocate into a community two states over where I knew nobody. I had never lived in a "fish bowl" community before, but it was one of those places where everyone knows everyone else's business even if they haven't met each other. So the day he passed, about 16 people came over, bringing flowers, and food, and just generally hanging out with me all day. When the policeman came he looked around and asked "Which one is the widow?"
1 person likes this
@GardenGerty (169505)
• United States
31 Dec 12
You are correct, you never know when you will be in that situation. I was at 42. I was fortunate to have some really good connections and family to help me out. I think we all need new friends, often.
2 people like this
@bagarad (14283)
• Paso Robles, California
31 Dec 12
Exactly. I began to realize a few months ago that I have pretty well isolated myself from forming new close relationships simply because I didn't have a lot of time to invest in them. Political involvement began to also take a lot of time. I have formed new relationships through political activities, but only a couple are potential friends, and they are as busy as I am. Since we do have living husbands who need our attention, it's hard to find time. But I also know if I don't invest the time now in getting to know a couple of people well, if anything happens to my own husband, I'll be pretty lonesome. My closest friends are still at least 180 miles away.
@KrauseHome (36445)
• United States
18 Jan 13
Personally this sounds like a Good idea, especially since she recently lost her husband, she probably does not know where to turn, and might be one to keep quiet and not let others know when she is hurting. And it is true many times we never take time to get to know people like we should because of being too busy, and then when they all pass on we often regret we did not take some time to get to know them better.
1 person likes this
@bagarad (14283)
• Paso Robles, California
9 Feb 13
I've called her several times now, but she's really busy trying to sort out her husband's paperwork to give to the accountant at tax time. Her sister has also been with her for a couple of weekends to help with this. Two weekends ago she went to her daughter's for her granddaughter's birthday. This week I've had the flu. But one of these days we will get together.
@wolfie34 (26770)
• United Kingdom
31 Dec 12
That is why I find Eulogies of people so fascinating, they could be a SOB in life, but once they have passed on, all you hear is good things about them. It's also sad because you only find out someone's qualities once they have gone, it's like taking them for granted and having the salt rubbed into the wound of grief realizing that they were such a lovable life loving person and now they are gone, as though you should have appreciated them more when they were alive. It is important we cherish those close to us as no one knows how long they will be with us for.
@BarBaraPrz (51837)
• St. Catharines, Ontario
31 Dec 12
Since you already know her a bit, she most likely will appreciate your interest in her. It's unfortunate, but I suspect some of their friends will abandon her now that her husband is no longer around to carry the conversation.
1 person likes this
@BarBaraPrz (51837)
• St. Catharines, Ontario
31 Dec 12
Not really. Stay active in her church, I guess.
@JenInTN (27514)
• United States
1 Jan 13
I am sure she will be very open to getting to know you better too. I bet she can really use a friend.
I have attended services of people I didn't know out of respect for one of their relatives that I worked with or knew well. I have worked with the same people for over 14 years now so you do tend to feel like you should be supportive when they lose someone close.
1 person likes this
@bagarad (14283)
• Paso Robles, California
1 Jan 13
N's husband seemed to pick up new friends in even unlikely places, such as standing in line at the movies. He had also been in many youth organizations where he made life long friends, many of whom were at his service. At the service a couple of young men still in middle school talked about how he had helped them with improving their drawing. I know he is a person my son would have loved getting to know, since they had some very similar interests. I'm sure the wives of some of her husband's old friends will probably try to get together with her, but that's a bit different than just trying to be there for someone to talk to when she may not really be feeling sociable, but rather sad or depressed.
@smiling_ja (261)
• Philippines
31 Dec 12
It's true. there are people who value privacy so much, even though we get to talk to them, somewhat know them one way or another, there is still something they keep hidden from us. Plus, we don't care much as we have our own life to live, our own stories to tell, our own roles to play but it's nice knowing there are people who do so much in their lifetime, not only for themselves but for others also. I've known someone who was very passionate in helping others but the extent of his deeds were known only when he passed away.
1 person likes this
@bagarad (14283)
• Paso Robles, California
31 Dec 12
I think part of the reason I never got to know this man is that he was a man's man. When people were talking after church, he was always with the men. We weren't part of any small group with them. That's one reason I wound up talking with his wife. Now I realize that probably both of us simply weren't involved much with the other women at church and so we wound up talking mostly to each other.
